Bedroom dilemma

[soniiaa]

Me and DP are moving in together and we don’t know how to sort out the bedrooms. It’s a 4 bed house.

I have -
DS11 (is with me 90% of the time)
DD18 (is at uni but stays with me 100% of the holidays)

DP has -
DS16 (with him every weekend and every school holiday)
DS19 (with him ad hoc - maybe once or twice a week)

DP would ideally like his kids to have their own rooms, but then so would I. Maybe this is unreasonable with DD being at uni? Would really appreciate peoples thoughts!

Nope. Nowhere have l said that or even implied it. What l said was that the simplest solution seems to be DPs two boys sharing the largest room and OPs two having their own rooms because they’re opposite sexes. DPs older child is 19 and only stays once or twice a week, so the younger child will essentially have his own room most of the time anyway.

What’s important is not that everyone has their own room, but that everyone is allowed a voice and an opinion. What they all want may not be possible, but including them equally in the discussions of the various options is important to foster good relationships if they’re all going to be sharing the same home.

And holidays.

So at best he'd be spending 3-4 nights with the OP in term time.

The five bed option has been done to death. OP says it’s not an option as they can’t afford it, so is asking for suggestions for the situation as it stands.

And?

I would have no problem doing that for another year or two if that caused the least disruption for all the children, and especially ensured that my oldest still came to see me every week.

Of course kids can share, you can tell them to deal with it, but if the outcome is they visit less then it's not really worth it. Sounds like both OP and DP realise this, hence the impasse.

But that’s not OP’s situation. The relationship is six years old. I can’t imagine that they are all strangers to each other at this point.

This.
It would be awful for your daughter not to have a room in either parents house.

You shouldn't be moving in with anyone in such circumstances IMO.

For another year or two?

What is the difference between a 19 year old not having his own guaranteed bedroom at his dad's house where he sleeps once a week and a 20 or 21 year old not having one?

So you'd be happy to share your house with somebody else not of your specific choosing for one or two days a week?

Or maybe a family member starts a weekend side-hustle, so they now need to use half of your bedroom for admin and storing stock and processing sales. They have to use your bedroom for it, rather than their own, because... reasons... but it's still exclusively yours for most of the week, hey?

After all, you still get it to yourself for 5 or 6 days, so you can just accept that change happens and you need to learn to be tolerant and resilient?

Nobody is saying that children (including those who have ticked over into adulthood) are the most important people on the planet; but they certainly should be very important people (and not considered a problem to have to be dealt with) in their own home.

Ridiculous. No one is saying they’re not important, least of all OP, but the fact is that this is the simplest solution and compromise is needed if this is going to work. The relationship is six years old so they’re clearly not strangers to each other and two brothers sharing isn’t unreasonable. OP says her ex does the bare minimum and doesn’t even have a bed for their daughter, so clearly she’s trying to do her best for all concerned.

Then don't do it?

Sounds like DS19 has a permanent base elsewhere if he is only staying

the odd night with his dad. If so, why would he need a bedroom at the new house?

Do we even know if everyone even likes each other?

Yes he has his own room at his mums house, he just stays at his dads now and again when he feels like it. It usually works out around once a week.

They all get on very well.

I’ll be honest. I wouldn’t be coming back from uni for the holidays to live with my mums random partner and his random boys. I really wouldn’t.

Ask them then

Are they happy with various scenarios

And if one of them is unhappy, don't do it

None of them are random to her. They’ve been in her life for nearly 7 years. Weekends, holidays, days out. He moved her in to uni. They aren’t strangers.

Not for much longer.

Same.

Well, when she's told she's no longer important enough to her mother to warrant her own room I'm sure that will be very comforting.

I think this might not be the issue. Look at the figures again. It makes no sense for it to be anything other than his sons share a room. His behaviour and attitude around this issue of rooming will tell you much more than his attitude towards rooming.

Dors he want final say? Does he expect his kids to benefit and yours to put up with outcomes and be grateful?

Very unfair on your children to make them share. Perhaps discuss with them and see what they would like to do. Options include:
Not moving until 1 or more have left home
1 or more of them choosing to spend almost all their time at their other parent and giving up having a permanent home with you
Them agreeing to share. It would be worth trialling this tho
Looking harder at getting a bigger house, perhaps in a cheaper location or otherwise less desirable

Do your children currently share a room?

No but living together is a whole different ball game isn’t it.

Imagine being a teenage girl having to live in a house with unrelated males. No privacy. Can’t lie around in your pjs etc. I’d have hated that.

What I would say however, as someone who always shared a room with my sister, is that I don’t think room sharing is that big a deal really and it is such an overblown issue on here.