Bedroom dilemma

[soniiaa]

Me and DP are moving in together and we don’t know how to sort out the bedrooms. It’s a 4 bed house.

I have -
DS11 (is with me 90% of the time)
DD18 (is at uni but stays with me 100% of the holidays)

DP has -
DS16 (with him every weekend and every school holiday)
DS19 (with him ad hoc - maybe once or twice a week)

DP would ideally like his kids to have their own rooms, but then so would I. Maybe this is unreasonable with DD being at uni? Would really appreciate peoples thoughts!

What area do you live in and what is your budget?

Please read the thread and understand that you are being utterly self centred. I know it's a shock to hear that, but it's true.

There's no need to move in with your boyfriend. Do the right thing and put your children first.

You seem really angry. I genuinely hope you’re ok 🙁

It is possible that your DD at uni may return home to live permanently once uni has finished.

Looking at the 4 bed houses, choose one with a garage you can convert part of, ie retain some for storage or have room for a large shed to store paint, tools, garden stuff etc. You can keep the front section where the garage door is, use that front part for storage, a lot of people have up and over garage doors so build a wall behind where the garage door intrudes. It will be classed as a change of use and will need building regs but not always planning permission.

Or choose a house with a reception room you can make into a bedroom. We converted a double garage into 2 rooms, plus we still have the lounge and the dining room.

Think Murphy beds not necessarily sofa beds. Look further afield in your search, consider commute to work/school, draw a map around that, there are tools online to do this for Google Maps. Then look at what properties there are available in your price range but also with potential to change it to make it a 5 bed.

No, I don't.

First it was "I'm a hero because I raised my kids" then it was "Stop comparing me to Rosemary West" then it was "Why am I not allowed a sex life" then it was "Am I supposed to wait till they're 30?!"

And now it's "I will pretend I am not absolutely seething over being dealt a piece of truth pie and try to turn it around on you instead".

These silly logical fallacies are all you can manage, because you don't like being told the truth.

Stop being so self centred, there's no need for you to move in with your boyfriend.

Everything I said stands.

I'd have the boys share but make your daughter's room a games room/study room so they can make use of the space when she's not there. Does the 19yo work or study?

Op have you already put in an offer for a house? Surely you could find one with space for a garden room or garage to convert if all four must have their own rooms? It doesnt take much to convert a garage.
Alternatively find a way to partition the largest bedroom.
The eldest kids are likely to fly the nest soon anyway and are hardly there so a 5 bed seems like an unecessary expense long term.

Could you look at the floor plans with the kkds and see what the solutions could be. There are loads of options to partition rooms or if you have two reception rooms then make a bedroom out of that.
Garden rooms are great, especially for an older kid who is hardly ever there.
I do know a couple of people that live three generations in a four bed with blended family, and sons girlfriend and new baby, I actually know two nice families that are living in their four beds like this and manage to make it work.
It sounds like you are all a happy blended family with kids that are older and you could talk to them about how to make it work and they might have some good ideas.

Good question. We might be able to offer actual help instead of just arguing about the morality of the situation

On this basis, DSS19 should be happy to share with his brother - or go on sofa-bed even - for his ad hoc sleepovers. There comes a point as an adult child where if you live somewhere (in this case it’s with a parent, but he could be in a house-share for example) you can’t expect a dedicated bedroom in a parent’s house. It’s different for your DD as she is living with you, and being at Uni doesn’t count as living elsewhere imo.

I guess it’s not just about where the children sleep, it’s about having a room that’s theirs, whether shared or not. I think both of your DCs need their own rooms. Are your DP’s sons full or half brothers? Do they have own rooms at their Mums? If they full brothers I think it’s least worse that they share a room, ideally the biggest in the house with partition for privacy. Would it be better for you and your DP not to move in together at the moment if you can’t accommodate the children’s needs? Is status quo possible?

@effortlesslyannoyingis so bored with the thread but is now quoting themselves with yet another long rant 😂😂😂

If your partner’s sons are seldom in the house at the same time then they could share the biggest room, maybe with a partition set up if feasible - there are lots of potential creative options for this - & maybe the eldest could be allowed to sleep in your daughters room on the odd occasion both lads are staying at the same time, if they prefer to (they might not be arsed!). I’d chat to them asap though and see if they’d be okay with that. Good luck- some of the responses here are absolutely wild.

Fourth room is DD's when home, but 19 year old DS gets to use it whenever she isn't. Put two lockable cupboards/wardrobes in so they can each leave stuff in there.

They'll cope. I shared a room until I went to uni, and after that I had my brother's room if he wasn't home, and shared with a sister if he was. I didn't go home much after the start of my second year, so it wasn't a big deal.

I think a bigger question is what happens when DD finishes uni. If she comes back home, then DS19 loses any time when the room is his. Hopefully one of them will get their own place at that point, which will solve the problem.

Three of the young people need a room to be their base there. The 19 yr old just needs a bed one night a week.

Several of us have asked how many reception rooms you would have but I don't think you've answered. Could you put a sofa bed in one reception room so the 19 yr old could use that once a week with drawers to keep some of his things in?

Ooh yes, lockable cupboards / storage is a good idea for the room sharerers.

You can't figure out how to make it work because it's simple maths! Both of you want the kids to have their own rooms but you only have 4 bedrooms. There's no hidden solution here.

You stretch to 5 beds/conversion, or you wait another year or two, or his DS share. That's it.

@soniiaa

I posted earlier asking if you could share the floor plan, but realise you might not have chosen the house yet. Do you have a particular house in mind? Could you share the floor plan?

my other thought is can you think about converting the attic. I’m not sure what’s needed legally to state it’s a bedroom if you were ever to sell on. But if you ignore that, do you think you can make space for one the of the kids who is there less to sleep in the attic?

and again, I think it sounds like you have done brilliantly by your kids. And you are allowed to think about your own needs/wants too. It’s not like you’re bulldozing into this without considering them. You’re going your best. Please ignore the more extreme negative comments.

I agree.

Blimey @soniiaasome of the responses on here are unhinged.
‘just get a 5 bed’
’just do a loft conversion’
’you’re a terrible mother’

the only thing I can suggest is a 4 bed with a dining room that can be made into a bedroom ?

good luck.

4 bed and re-purpose the dining room? I can't see how any of these children can share or should be asked to.

Exactly what I was saying. Only it doesn't have to be a permanent repurposing, just one night a week.

I honestly think that could be unsettling for the child. Suck it up for a year or two and reassess then.

Could you and your partner take a smaller bedroom and put a partition in the largest bedroom, to create enough separate space for each child?

I realise that compromises are clearly needed in the scenario that OP is looking at, and that it's not the biggest issue here; but personally, I would really hate the very idea that there was a cupboard in MY room that had been locked to keep ME out of it.

I think it sends out a signal far deeper than the actual fact of it.

I get if it's a small child's room and there is a door/cupboard that leads to/contains something that can't go elsewhere that could be unsafe for them until they're older - e.g. an en-suite or medical supplies for the child to be administered by a parent - but the very thought that a teenager could have a part of their own room that's been effectively annexed and secured to keep them out... just horrible.