Has anyone had an emotional lesbian affair?

[loopylou246]

Feel like I’m going through it. Married heterosexual,
two kids. Need advice.

Thanks. I think this is the perspective I am going with. I really enjoy her company and really value her. Even if it is ‘limerence’ (probably, I have read a lot recently) I won’t ever act on it. I just want to see through it and enjoy having her as a friend in life

This is a really rough one.
Ask yourself do you find her sexually attractive? As in could you see yourselves in bed together?
Do you find yourself flirting or being coy? Do you try and look your best for her?
Do you value the friendship? Or do you imagine scenarios with the two of you, not necessarily sexual but maybe after something sexual? Do you like the way she looks/presents herself? How old are you? Do you have a good sexual relationship with your significant other? Does she have a part in any fantasies wether sexual or domestic? Answering these questions may help. If you purely like they way she looks and she behaves herself but have a solid sexual relationship with a significant other this may be a case of want to be as opposed to was to be with. But ultimately I think deep down you will know. I'm sorry you're in this situation.

Sorry to keep prying but did you feel like you were crushing on her before she told you that or did your feelings start after?

It’s hard to pinpoint when as I have been thinking about this too. I think maybe slightly before but amplified after she told me this in some weird way

that’s interesting @loopylou246 it’s like knowing she’s open to same sex relationships has fuelled your crush.

i had a huge crush on a girl once many years ago and I think part of the driver for that was the fact she was openly gay

I’d kissed a couple of girls (her not being one of them) and I don’t think I’ve ever really had a huge desire for it to move forward.

if my huge crush had known i was into her and made some kind of move - I don’t know what I’d have done but in terms of sex - I think at the time I’d have been open to exploring that and would have probably found out it wasn’t for me. I genuinely don’t think (when I really think on it) that I’d want to go there. I think the expression is bi-curious. And I still find I have little crushes on some openly gay women on occasion and I would say I tend to have a type although they are all “famous” crushes and not people I know IRL.

is there any indication that she has any kind of feelings for you and how does it make you feel when you think about that?

There’s been no concrete thing that she’s done to suggest she does. But it’s hard to say - more of a vibe I get. Which could be in my head completely. I am seeing her tomorrow, feeling a bit nervous really

It’ll be okay

it’s clear you are both really fond of each other. Maybe it’s just one of those things where you both are bit fonder of each other than the usual friends but perhaps are both aware that it can’t go anywhere.

Perhaps if you have the willpower to keep it there you can have a really deep friendship, knowing deep down that it’s probably a little more than a run of the mill thing but knowing you are both never gonna go there, but still just be able to be each others person

maybe she’s your lobster

This is a good perspective, thanks for that. I 100% have the will power. It’s just what goes on in my mind that is messing me around. But I wouldn’t ever act on it and break my family up, I am absolutely sure of that

And what if she has feelings for you?

Then I think you can stay friends with her - it would be a shame to lose her from your life if you know there’s no risk of giving into those feelings. Maybe try to change the way you are perceiving them

instead Of being confused and beating yourself up try to see it at as a happy little crush and take all the good vibes and feels you get from spending time with her and enjoying her company. X

Thanks, this has been of a real help in the way I have been looking at it. I hope the feelings I have subside but I do want to continue being friends with her because I have really missed her over the last few weeks

Aww then yeah do that. I honestly think if you can just separate out and compartmentalise those “crush” feelings and keep that just for you then you can retain a healthy friendship that you value.

Just be aware that she may ask today why you’ve not been in touch so you may need to think of something to say around that. She may have been worried she’s done something to upset you so may ask that so just be prepared to reassure her in a way that you feel comfortable with in terms of discussing or not discussing your own feelings.

i hope today goes well and keep us posted. I’m invested!

OP, you said several times that you won't break up your family. Just make sure that that is best for everyone. I speak as someone who comes from a family where the parents should never have been together and one party is very likely gay.
I'm not saying your situation is the same and I don't for one minute think it would be a good idea to run off into the sunset with this woman but parents who stay together when they shouldn't cause terrible damage to the children. Your situation doesn't sound like that at all but if things do change in whatever way, 'breaking up your family' might be the best thing for all concerned. I hope it never comes to that and I know I am not saying anything new but you sound adamant that you will stay together and it's not always for the best.

But your head being messed up, does impact on on other people surely you must know that. Is your husband really get the version of you if your head is want the OW.

We had lunch, it was really nice. She did ask me why it had been a while and I said because of plans and the kids so it wasn’t too suspicious. She had said she missed me. I am quite an anxious person and I find her infectious and she’s a lovely friend. I don’t want to lose that. I need to just hope it all subsides which I think it will. I wouldn’t ever tell her the truth so it’s all a bit redundant, what’s the point in worrying about it? The other option is I cut contact completely but I know I don’t want that. I feel like it’s a loss of a great friendship

I think even if you did ditch her as a mate you’d be desperately unhappy so it’s not worth doing that.

I think you can move past this and retain your friendship. It’s gotta be worth a try.

why not park the thread and come back to it in a few months and see how things have changed? X

Lost a close friend as she tried to take things further on a spa weekend.
Had to tell her no after she said I was giving her the come on. We were hanging out naked in our huge jacuzzi suite
Disappointed as she was a great person

Yes I think I will do this. Thanks for your replies through this thread. It’s been helpful!

Your welcome. I hope that when you come back to this in the future everything will be sorted and happy.Good luck x

@loopylou246 in a similar situation. How has this worked out for you?