Has anyone had an emotional lesbian affair?

[loopylou246]

Feel like I’m going through it. Married heterosexual,
two kids. Need advice.

I would never feel guilty unless there's something to feel guilty about. Your priority should be your husband here. I suspect if your husband felt the same about someone else you wouldn't find it acceptable.

Is she gay? sorry if I missed that detail

if she is gay perhaps consider if you are misinterpreting your close bond as something else because she’s gay (in other words you probably wouldn’t be thinking this if she was straight)

Then what you have is an amazing friendship.

Its kinda normal to have an infatuation with a friendship when you find someone who makes you feel good about yourself.

Kids do it all the time. You will hear the same name over and over. I guess it doesn't happen so much with adults as life changes.

I think you’re making a big mistake firing these feelings all up again. But then you know that don’t you? You don’t get lovesick like this over’just a friend’. You clearly have feelings for her. At least be honest with your husband if you can’t be honest with yourself.

I had this - it ticked all the boxes for limerance. It can last up to three years and is hormonal driven I think. Or if you’re the type of person to get obsessions on things/people/subjects. It went, she’s still a friend but I feel so differently about her now. The need to see her all the time has completely gone. I read the book on limerance and it sounded exactly like it and I realised I’ve been prone to it on and off all my life - either male or female but I’m heterosexual except when I had limerance I was convinced I wasn’t. V strange!!

Is this friendship a threat to your marriage? If your H was listening in on your conversations or reading your messages would he have reason to feel betrayed? Would you like to replace your H with this woman? Does the friendship take away anything that was formerly and rightfully given to your husband?
If you can answer no to those questions then I think you're doing nothing wrong. Relationships with platonic friends can be very intense indeed and be all the more enriching for it. The acid test is whether they are taking anything away from, or harming others we have commitments to.

I had a straight younger female friend tell me she thought she was in love with me. I told her I thought she wasn’t she just felt a strong connection and didn’t have another frame of reference for feeling strongly connected to someone. I gave her a bit of space after that but ten years later we are still close friends. My female friendships are the most valuable meaningful and long lasting relationships in my life. I am straight and have been married for over 20 years. None of my female friendships pose a threat to my marriage.

Yes I did, for over a year... But then I slept with her and it was no longer only emotional. I fell for her over a period of time, took a while to recognise friendship wasn't the only thing I felt for her, but one of the reasons I knew that was because I did want to flirt with her, have her attention in a way that wasn't platonic, and had sexual feelings for her. I'm not sure it sounds like you do want anything beyond close friendship?

Everyone’s perspectives are helpful. I think deep down there are definitely more feelings but I also have a really nice friendship with her which I really don’t want to lose. No matter what happens I wouldn’t ever jeopardise my husband and two kids for anything like that. Ever

Honestly I’d give the L Word a watch and see how you feel about the sexual tension between the characters. It can be hard to understand feelings of same sex attraction when you’ve grown up without a real model for them.
I don’t think you need to stop seeing her but stick to meeting her in public.

I sent her a message to ask if she is free to meet this week and she replied to say she would love to and is really looking forward to it as it’s been so long. I’m hoping all will be fine and I can just continue as normal

Is she gay?

She is married to a man. But she’s had a female relationship in the past.

Oh dear, OP. I think you might have to start being a bit more honest with yourself. This sounds more than a friendship for both of you. I think you need to be careful as a number of people might get hurt, including you, but I fear that might be unavoidable.

That kinda blows my theory out the water that you were crushing because she was gay and would perhaps not feel like this if she was totally straight.

have you had indication she may be crushing on you?

It sounds like the excitement of finding a new friend who you feel very connected with and nothing to worry about

No one would get hurt because I absolutely would never come on to her/tell anyone or leave my husband. My head will be a bit messed up but no one else

I had this. I then realised the underlying feeling that I was trying to work out was actually sexual attraction. I’ve got lots of close female friends, who I’d known for years, and this felt very different - to some extent it was because we were different and not natural friends, that I realised there was something else that was driving me to think about her and spend time with here. My whole sexuality shifted and I’ve been with a woman for 5 years now. Not my catalyst, nothing ever happened there and I never tried to make anything happen as I was in a relationship. But when that relationship ended a few years later, I just knew I would be with women from then on.

Is she openly bi-sexual or did she tell you in an almost secretive, confessional kind of way that she'd had a relationship with a woman?
If the former, she might have picked up on something in you and might be playing with you or she might be falling in love with you or neither.

I understand what you're saying in your reply but as pp describes, sexuality can shift and it might be for you. It might just be an intense friendship too. I guess time will tell. Good luck

She told me in more of a secretive confessional way over a drink. It wasn’t a relationship that was out in the open by the sounds of it. But it was a while ago over a drink and can’t remember the full story really

@Fallenangel2014I think saying your relationship with the trans woman is lesbian you are appropriating the word lesbian which means a sexual relationship between two biological females (observed and recorded female at birth). You are therefore saying there is no need for a word that means asexual relationship between two biologically female women. If there is no word for a sexual relationship between two biologically female women it makes relationships between two biological women invisible. Can’t you and her settle for “queer”? Or does he insist that he’s a real, biological woman and entitled to everything?

@loopylou246 Ok, well she's told you for a reason. Whether just to tell someone she felt it was safe to tell or whether she wanted to specifically tell you and, if so, for what reason, I don't know.
It sounds like things could get complicated. Just be aware of that and be careful.
Sounds like it's a pretty big head fuck already and could get a lot bigger.

No.

I think a lot of people innocently enjoy the "frisson" of an attraction and it just remains in their head.

You're massively overthinking this OP, don't deprive yourself of a good friend as they're hard to find in life! I've always been prone to limerance, had limerant crushes on men and women over the years (mostly men but one of the most intense was a woman - although similar to you i didn't want to actually sleep with her). They always fade out in the end even if it takes a couple of years. Then she'll feel more like your other friends with less of that excited feeling. If you don't want to sleep with her or leave your husband you're not in danger and you can carry on being friends.