Has anyone had an emotional lesbian affair?

[loopylou246]

Feel like I’m going through it. Married heterosexual,
two kids. Need advice.

It sounds a bit like how i felt about a colleague when I was in my early 20s. It felt like a crush but it wasn't sexual because I definitely didn't want to kiss or sleep with her. I just admired her so much and felt excited to be talking to her. I thought about her all the time and made up fantasies in my head about scenarios we would be involved in together (again, not sexual). She left the company and I was heartbroken. It took me ages to stop crying. Eventually I realised that she had filled an emotional gap in my life due to my childhood, and that being a naturally emotionally intense person I fixated on my colleague as a way to fill a deep inner void.

Could this be part of what's happening with your friend op?

I’m hoping you are just a troll. But if you aren’t, then what you have said is homophobic and insulting.

There are times when I’ve thought about other people and fantasised. I’ve never had the opportunity to get to know or be close to someone that I’ve felt like that about.
What do you do? Keep in contact and explore where it goes? Do you cut all ties and potentially feel regret later on in life?

Have you spoken to this other person about it or how they feel about you?

Have you spoken to your husband about it at all?

Sounds like you have romantic feelings towards her but maybe not sexual? Does she remind you of another woman in your family who you were particularly close to or wanted attention from? I've definitely had these kinds of intense feelings towards women despite having no sexual interest in any of them, and usually something about them reminds me of my aunt or my grandma, whose approval I craved as a child.

Struggling with this today.

I’ve been where you are OP.

I couldn’t stop thinking about her, every time my phone went off I wanted it to be her, I wanted to spend all my time with her, when I was out and about I would scan crowds in the hope I might see her, it became consuming. I started feeling attracted to her and even started to tell myself that maybe she felt the same. It was like an infatuation.

A point came though where I realised I was in very dangerous territory (I was married with two children), and I knew I had let it go way too far.

She was a very good friend but ultimately I had to completely step away from her.

Have a read of what Limerence is and see if you can relate to it.

Thanks. I sent a message yesterday saying we have a lot going on leading up to Christmas and so won’t be able to see her until the new year. I am hoping in this time I can redirect my thoughts and feelings. Feeling sad though

Have you told your husband yet? Would you feel sadder if he then disclosed similar feelings for someone else and his response was 'that's great, we both want to be with someone else, let's split to do that'?

No I definitely don’t want that. It’s weird as I don’t want a relationship with her at all!

Is it more then than rather than wanting to be with her, you want to be her?

I don’t think it’s that either at all! I think I just like being around her a lot but more in a way that I do other friends!

I have a best female friend that is probably the most important relationship in my life. We talk everyday and share every detail. We’re closer now then we’ve ever been in over 20 years of friendship but it’s not an emotional affair, it’s a deep and loving friendship.

I also have a happy and loving relationship with my husband of 20+ years.

Just a perspective that both relationships can co-exist very happily.

A man then ?

A very helpful perspective, thank you. Maybe I am really overthinking this and could be a different type of friendship that I have been useful. I definitely wouldn’t want to leave my husband and have a relationship so I suppose that’s a good sign too

If it helps I am a lesbian who had a series of friendships like this in my 20s where the lines were blurred emotionally, but I knew that I wanted to sleep with them, there was no uncertainty. If thinking about kissing her or sleeping with her isn’t doing anything for you, then it’s not ‘lesbian’.

It sounds like it’s just a platonic but emotional thing for you. Is she giving you something that your other relationships are not?

I’ve had experiences like this. I think you are probably just a bit ‘star struck’ by her? Think of a celebrity or public figure that you admire and just think is amazing, might you feel the same way about them if you met them and you hit it off and became friends?

I think it’s a non-sexual infatuation, common when we’re young, but can happen at any age, and it will pass in time.

I think it’s limerence. Is there a bit of uncertainty around her? Does she gives you attention sometimes and then you don’t know where you stand at other times?

Do you sometimes wonder if she likes you as much as you like her, and replay conversations in your head trying to figure out if you are important to her ?

Thanks to everyone that has taken the time to reply. I appreciate everyone’s perspectives. The more I think about it the more it is probably a case of being ‘star struck’ (not sure why, she’s no more ‘attractive’ I would say than many of my other friends). And limerence. I had no idea what this meant until I have just read. Seems like it could be that to be honest

Posting on this thread again because I’m feeling sad. It’s been 6 weeks since I’ve seen her and I’m really missing her. Not sure if to suggest a coffee one day soon or to just wait it out.

I think you're massively overthinking this.

You are in the lucky position to have found such an amazing friend.

Of course you should go out to coffee with her!!

maybe I am. But where there are blurred lines with my feelings I feel I am doing a bad thing in terms of my husband. Maybe I should give it a bit longer

What has the space shown you? Do you have any sexual feelings for her? Lust after her? If not and you just miss her company then what’s the problem? You’ve found a close best mate - do you know how rare that is? Don’t give that up! It’s very rare and super lovely when you get it - hold onto it and nurture it. Hope u haven’t lost her. She’s probably feeling v rejected.

A close friend is important - if not more - than a husband because we are more likely to have them for life. Platonic relationships can still feel as intense and overwhelming as a romantic one - we can almost ‘fall in love’ and feel infatuated by that person - especially when they feel like a soulmate. That can all be so normal - and wonderful! If there is zero sexual attraction just embrace it op and know how lucky you are.

I have really missed her and thought about her a lot. I sort of thought I was infatuated with her but I suppose the thought of sex with her makes me feel weird. But then I’ve never been with a woman sexually.

I have decided I will send her a message today and see if she is around

If there's no chance of something physical happening I'm not sure how you differentiate between an intense same sex friendship and an emotional affair,
If it is not impacting on your relationship with your partner negatively then I personally think it's ok.

Are you a man?