Am I being petty about money?

[Blackberryandcherry]

Apologies for the incoming rant!

My brother is visiting from France (for a week) and my parents&him both expect that I am going to run around after him for his entire trip. I feel resentful about the expectation that I have to make myself available for his entire visit, but also I end up out of pocket too.

I’ve already been asked to pick him up from the airport on Saturday for which I’ll have to take a 2 hour trip and pay for parking at my own expense.

We’ll be getting takeaway on Saturday night at our parents house which I’ll be asked to collect, and no one will offer to pay me back.

We are going out for the day on Sunday and it is expected that I will be the designated driver as well as potentially covering the costs of entrance tickets as ‘he’s had to pay for his flights’.

I’m expected to make myself available after work during the week even though I work a busy job and I’m often not home until 7pm, but if I even hint that I might need some time to myself I get told ‘he is your bother so you should make time for him’. Apart from Thursday and Friday when he has made his own arrangements to see friends, and this was without any consultation as to whether that suits anyone else.

I have booked theatre tickets for the following weekend and no one will offer to pay me back for those either. I don’t mind this, I am happy to pay for a ‘treat’.

When I go and visit him, we stay in his flat which is lovely but again I end up covering the cost of almost everything else as he’s hosted us in his flat. Flight costs seem to be conveniently forgotten about.

I have always been brought up to be kind and generous with money, but lately I’ve been feeling a little resentful. I work hard for my money and I am very careful about what I spent it on. I also really need some time to myself and I am suffocating under the expectation of making myself constantly available.

Am I just being mean?

What are your parents doing for his trip? Why can’t they pay the cost of somethings? Why do you have to pay for entrance fees but your parents don’t when it’s their son? Have you ever asked your brother for a contribution to anything?

Learn to say ‘no’. Tell them you are not available for x y z. It’s ok to say No op!

Tell them you’ll meet them at the place if they put pressure on you. It’s not reasonable… you can say no. It’s on them! And don’t offer to pay. Just pay for yourself and let them stand there..!

It’s time to set boundaries and stick to them.

Mumsnet likes “that doesn’t work for me. I can do this”. Or even “Err, no”.

But if you don’t take care of yourself, no one else will.

Just repeat, when I pay for my fights for France I also have to pay for XYZ so I expect the same in return.

If you don’t want to do the airport run tell them you can’t.

I have always been brought up to be kind and generous with money

Why wasn’t he brought up the same?

I get told “he is your bother”

This is the most accurate typo ever seen on the internet.

Stop it. Just stop. Pick him up, ok, I’d probably do that. Ask for the money before you go and collect the takeaway. And stop being guilted into seeing him so much this week if you don’t want to.

Stop mumsnetting
Start looking for your spine

My parents are both retired and therefore not earning a salary. My brother will stay with them and therefore they’ll cover the costs of his meals etc for the time he is here.

How bizarre. I mean unless your brother has been working for free for medicines sans frontier in a war zone, previously funded your entire university career or bought you a flat, and you have just won the lottery I don't see why you'd be expected to pay for him.

Why can't him and your parents do it? Just say I can't afford it. It's a piss take in the extreme.

You use the phrase "it is expected". Who is expecting it? Have your parents or your brother explicitly said they expect you to do this? Or are you just taking this role on because its what you've done historically?

Maybe you need to sit them down and spell out that you find this quite burdensome. Have you tried this?

But PPs are absolutely right, ultimately you need to learn to say no and put some boundaries up, as opposed to going along with things and becoming more resentful.

Use your words, hey DParents, can you transfer xxx for the takeaway before I go and pick it up for us all and just to let you know I’m asking DB for a contribution towards, theatre tickets and XYZ.

I am the one who visits rest of the family from abroad and fucking hell. No. This 2ould absolutely nlt be ok with me. Is he aware how much pressure is on you? Time and money wise? I would be embarrassed.

Start saying no very very strongly.

I'd get an emergency at work which kept me late on overtime for the next few days so I couldn't participate in any of this. Be called a bad sibling whatever, their all being CFs!

No...

Go get the takeaway - no,get it delivered.
Go get your brother- im not available, he can get an uber from the airport.

Theres always an alternative. You just need to find your NO.

If someone can get a flight to the airport then they can make their own arrangements for onward travel - why should you spend all those hours driving there and back?
Stand up for yourself and I wouldn’t be available for more than one day per weekend.

Op do you have a history of getting yourself in to sticky situations regarding family / friends and money?

I Hope you are at least going to make him a massive shopping list of things to bring you from France…
Start with la Roche Posay and go all the way through to maille cornichons, le petit marseillais and bags of carambar.

Surly just say - I got the theatre tickets so who’s buying the take away tonight. Then ‘well I got the theatre tickets and X got the take away so Y it’s your turn to buy the Sunday entrance fee’. Just manage the situation if you’re not happy with it. And do the same when you go visit them rather than paying for everything. Then get them flowers / chocolates to say thanks for hosting us.

I think this is one of the blockers to saying no as I can afford it, I would just choose to be more careful and put it towards my mortgage.

I am actually on a very similar salary to him, but we are at a different stage in life as I have a house which I bought a few years ago, and he is renting due to living in various places abroad over the past 10 years.

I've voted YABU as you can always speak your mind!

if both parents receive RP then their joint income is £1842 per 4 weeks.

Should they also have private pensions, this amount will be greater.

Their home is possibly paid off (unless renting)

@Blackberryandcherry rather than feeling resentful you must speak up.

It is not on you to subsidise your parents nor your brother.

Where’s your backbone?

Woman up and say no!

No I don’t actually, I just find this situation difficult as it’s my little brother, I don’t see him all that often and my parents are very protective of him.

Use the word no. Do not be so accommodating if it doesn't suit you. Just stand up for yourself.

Decide what you are willing to do with your time and money (e.g. pick him up at the airport; buy the theatre tickets for everyone as your treat) and do those things willingling and generously. And be explicit about them "I'm so glad I'm able to pick you up, it's lovely to have an hour together in the car." / "Please don't think about paying for the theatre tickets, it's my treat and it's nice to be able to spoil everyone once in a while".

For the rest, just say no. Why are you paying for the take away for everyone? Maybe be direct with your brother (while you're on that long car journey), say that you're happy to pay for your own meal but suggest he should pay the remainder since your parents are feeding him the rest of the time.

The day out on Sunday, you make your own way there and meet them inside the venue at the cafe (where you'll already have bought your coffee/cake, so you're not in the position of being at the cash desk with them).

Well this

Presumably you have the faculty to say no?

Or ask people to contribute?