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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being petty about money?

174 replies

Blackberryandcherry · 10/10/2025 14:00

Apologies for the incoming rant!

My brother is visiting from France (for a week) and my parents&him both expect that I am going to run around after him for his entire trip. I feel resentful about the expectation that I have to make myself available for his entire visit, but also I end up out of pocket too.

I’ve already been asked to pick him up from the airport on Saturday for which I’ll have to take a 2 hour trip and pay for parking at my own expense.

We’ll be getting takeaway on Saturday night at our parents house which I’ll be asked to collect, and no one will offer to pay me back.

We are going out for the day on Sunday and it is expected that I will be the designated driver as well as potentially covering the costs of entrance tickets as ‘he’s had to pay for his flights’.

I’m expected to make myself available after work during the week even though I work a busy job and I’m often not home until 7pm, but if I even hint that I might need some time to myself I get told ‘he is your bother so you should make time for him’. Apart from Thursday and Friday when he has made his own arrangements to see friends, and this was without any consultation as to whether that suits anyone else.

I have booked theatre tickets for the following weekend and no one will offer to pay me back for those either. I don’t mind this, I am happy to pay for a ‘treat’.

When I go and visit him, we stay in his flat which is lovely but again I end up covering the cost of almost everything else as he’s hosted us in his flat. Flight costs seem to be conveniently forgotten about.

I have always been brought up to be kind and generous with money, but lately I’ve been feeling a little resentful. I work hard for my money and I am very careful about what I spent it on. I also really need some time to myself and I am suffocating under the expectation of making myself constantly available.

Am I just being mean?

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 10/10/2025 15:13

You need to man up and start setting some boundaries.

'Sorry I can't afford a takeaway for 4 this month, I'll pop round to see you after you've eaten'

I'd probably be having 'car problems' and won't be available to either collect him from the airport or carry anyone around on Sunday either. 'Would be lovely to go to x-I'm going to get the train as my car is on the blink, so I'll see you all there'.

Come on, OP-they can 'expect' all they like, but you don't have to do it!

Wishimaywishimight · 10/10/2025 15:15

Stop being such a doormat, seriously. So what if they 'expect' this, that and the other. You are not compelled to meekly carry out every request.

Start by making an excuse; "I need to work late tonight so can't do X". "My credit card is maxed out, you will need to pay me before I book the tickets" etc.

It will get easier as you practice standing up for yourself and they discover you are not a pushover anymore however nothing will change if you continue to behave as you are.

nomas · 10/10/2025 15:19

You need to keep your hands in your pocket!

I’ve already been asked to pick him up from the airport on Saturday for which I’ll have to take a 2 hour trip and pay for parking at my own expense.

Tell him you have plans the day of the flight so won't be able to pick him up. Does he pick you up when you visit him?

We’ll be getting takeaway on Saturday night at our parents house which I’ll be asked to collect, and no one will offer to pay me back.

Just offer your share in cash! Take a tenner and fiver and just give your share, whatever it is!

We are going out for the day on Sunday and it is expected that I will be the designated driver as well as potentially covering the costs of entrance tickets as ‘he’s had to pay for his flights’.

Again, just offer your share in cash! Take a tenner and fiver and just give your share, whatever it is!

I’m expected to make myself available after work during the week even though I work a busy job and I’m often not home until 7pm, but if I even hint that I might need some time to myself I get told ‘he is your bother so you should make time for him’.

Just don't show up! Say you were working late and will see them on the weekend.

I have booked theatre tickets for the following weekend and no one will offer to pay me back for those either. I don’t mind this, I am happy to pay for a ‘treat’.

Text everyone now and ask for their share!

BonneMaman77 · 10/10/2025 15:20

How old is the little brother OP?
You can be firm on paying for a few treats but not be paying for his chosen vacation itinerary. Especially as your earnings are similar.
He is clearly taking the piss, maybe also your parents.

A few Mumsnet responses have been mentioned and the MN wisdom here is that by coming up with excuses for those who are taking the piss in repose to posts - clearly you’re doing this to yourself or letting this happen to you

Dollymylove · 10/10/2025 15:21

I voted your are being unreasonable because you are letting these people walk all over you. Tell them you're busy and will see them when you can fit them into your busy schedule

BoredZelda · 10/10/2025 15:25

Blackberryandcherry · 10/10/2025 14:23

No I don’t actually, I just find this situation difficult as it’s my little brother, I don’t see him all that often and my parents are very protective of him.

Show quote history

You are also protective of him “my little brother”

My brother uses the “little” moniker despite me being 50, and it is because he sees himself as something better than me. It’s awful.

Does he take time off work when you visit him? I can’t imagine having a sibling I like, visit from another country and not taking time off work to spend with them.

You can refuse to put your hand in your pocket if you want, that’s your choice. Set your boundaries, you’re an adult you can do that. I’m not sure why you are making this anyone else’s fault.

ConcernedOfClapham · 10/10/2025 15:26

Have you tried saying no?

RedAdmirals · 10/10/2025 15:26

I once had a sponger family member who used to come and visit and pay zilch. Once I asked him for a contribution for groceries when we had a full trolley at the supermarket.

He told me I was 'rude' to ask 😮

He hasn't visited since 🙂

Coconutter24 · 10/10/2025 15:29

Blackberryandcherry · 10/10/2025 14:08

My parents are both retired and therefore not earning a salary. My brother will stay with them and therefore they’ll cover the costs of his meals etc for the time he is here.

Show quote history

Do your parents drive? I would just say yes to things I wanted to do and say no to the things I didn’t want to do or pay for. If you’ve always just paid for things that’s why it’s expected but it’s quite cheeky if him to not offer money for a take away or trips out

Millytante · 10/10/2025 15:31

Blackberryandcherry · 10/10/2025 14:08

My parents are both retired and therefore not earning a salary. My brother will stay with them and therefore they’ll cover the costs of his meals etc for the time he is here.

Show quote history

Retired people often have a decent living all the same, if they have private pensions for example. A mortgage free home, shares dividends.
Others of course do live on the state pension alone, and things are tough. (But they have time, which you do not.)
Pensioners per se aren't exempt from all family obligations just because they are retired.
I think you should put your foot down and declare that none of this is doable or acceptable, and leave them all at it. See him while he’s here, but at your own convenience.
I don't like tit for tat but really, it’s your brother who originally laid down the terms of engagement himself. Let him abide by them.

Vaxtable · 10/10/2025 15:31

I would probably do the airport run, but the takeaway I would say before I went, ok it’s going to cost x amount, can you all give me your share of cash. No cash, no takeaway

if it doesn’t suit to run him round during the week I wouldn’t, he can pay for an uber.

I would also point out that when you stay with him you cover your costs there, so it’s hardly fair you cover his costs when he visits here

you have already given a treat with the theatre tickets

Millytante · 10/10/2025 15:34

Shinyandnew1 · 10/10/2025 15:13

You need to man up and start setting some boundaries.

'Sorry I can't afford a takeaway for 4 this month, I'll pop round to see you after you've eaten'

I'd probably be having 'car problems' and won't be available to either collect him from the airport or carry anyone around on Sunday either. 'Would be lovely to go to x-I'm going to get the train as my car is on the blink, so I'll see you all there'.

Come on, OP-they can 'expect' all they like, but you don't have to do it!

Exactly. No matter how wrong it may be of them all to expect a lot from you, you are a hell of a lot ‘wronger’ if you agree to any of it.

NimbleDreamer · 10/10/2025 15:34

YABU for being such a mug.

"No" is a complete sentence.

Itiswhysofew · 10/10/2025 15:35

He's an adult and it's pretty poor of him to expect other people to fund his trip. If your parents want him to have an expense-free visit, let them fund it. You don't owe them or him anything.

Stand your ground and tell them that you're not available the whole visit.

Big girl pantsGrin

caringcarer · 10/10/2025 15:35

Just say if each transfers money for takeaway you will collect it. If each transfers you cost of theatre tickets then you can buy them otherwise you won't have enough money to cover cost of all tickets.

Therealjudgejudy · 10/10/2025 15:38

Good grief op, speak up for yourself!

MorningFresh · 10/10/2025 15:40

You need to get clever, OP.
Pick your brother up from the airport? "Sorry, im busy then, doing xyz at work".
Get the takeaway? " oh dear, I seem to have forgotten my purse (or other means of paying), surely it's someone else's turn to pay"
Stop allowing yourself to be used in this way, or it'll never end.

Toofficeornot · 10/10/2025 15:43

They want you to act as his parent. In actual fact you are equals. Why is he so tight not offering to pay his own way and his share of food and nights out. Presumably he chose to live in france?

YourPeppyAmberTraybake · 10/10/2025 15:43

caringcarer · 10/10/2025 15:35

Just say if each transfers money for takeaway you will collect it. If each transfers you cost of theatre tickets then you can buy them otherwise you won't have enough money to cover cost of all tickets.

This would be my approach plus having to ‘work overtime’ on Tuesday and Thursday or similar.

Aposterhasnoname · 10/10/2025 15:44

Stop waiting for people to offer to pay you back and outright ask for it.

"Right family, Im off for the takeaway, are we splitting the cost equally or is everyone paying for their own"

"The tickets for Saturday are here, they were £30 each, are you giving me cash, or bank transfer"

Right, Ive paid for the petrol and parking, DB has paid for his flights, so are you paying the entrance fees DP"

Simple.

Imbusytodaysorry · 10/10/2025 15:46

@Blackberryandcherry no wonder you are feeling resentful .
Pick 3-4 times you would like to see or help him.

  1. collect from airport and pay for parking
  2. Go out Sunday but say you are having a drink and some else will have to drive. ( is this the night you have bought and paid for tickets ) ?
  3. If I was going round for takeaway I’d pre empt and say you will be running late and can they order for you this time and tell them your meal. OR go round and get the money as your heading off to collect food.

you can choose which suits you best . As for going after work . Just say no you are working late and shattered .

Gothzilla · 10/10/2025 15:47

We’ll be getting takeaway on Saturday night at our parents house which I’ll be asked to collect, and no one will offer to pay me back.

You ask for money before ordering or don’t pick it up.

We are going out for the day on Sunday and it is expected that I will be the designated driver as well as potentially covering the costs of entrance tickets as ‘he’s had to pay for his flights’.

Are you buying at the venue? Go to the kiosk, ask and pay for one ticket.

I’m expected to make myself available after work during the week even though I work a busy job and I’m often not home until 7pm, but if I even hint that I might need some time to myself I get told ‘he is your bother so you should make time for him’. Apart from Thursday and Friday when he has made his own arrangements to see friends, and this was without any consultation as to whether that suits anyone else.

Text no you’re unable to and mute the chat if you have to.

I have booked theatre tickets for the following weekend and no one will offer to pay me back for those either. I don’t mind this, I am happy to pay for a ‘treat’.

When I go and visit him, we stay in his flat which is lovely but again I end up covering the cost of almost everything else as he’s hosted us in his flat. Flight costs seem to be conveniently forgotten about.

Stop letting them take advantage of you

WallaceinAnderland · 10/10/2025 15:48

I voted YABU because you don't actually have to do any of this. You are choosing to do it.

Genevieva · 10/10/2025 15:49

May I suggest a kitty? 25% each. Tot up the cost of your petrol, takeaway, theatre etc in your head and ask everyone to put that much in.