Am I being petty about money?

[Blackberryandcherry]

Apologies for the incoming rant!

My brother is visiting from France (for a week) and my parents&him both expect that I am going to run around after him for his entire trip. I feel resentful about the expectation that I have to make myself available for his entire visit, but also I end up out of pocket too.

I’ve already been asked to pick him up from the airport on Saturday for which I’ll have to take a 2 hour trip and pay for parking at my own expense.

We’ll be getting takeaway on Saturday night at our parents house which I’ll be asked to collect, and no one will offer to pay me back.

We are going out for the day on Sunday and it is expected that I will be the designated driver as well as potentially covering the costs of entrance tickets as ‘he’s had to pay for his flights’.

I’m expected to make myself available after work during the week even though I work a busy job and I’m often not home until 7pm, but if I even hint that I might need some time to myself I get told ‘he is your bother so you should make time for him’. Apart from Thursday and Friday when he has made his own arrangements to see friends, and this was without any consultation as to whether that suits anyone else.

I have booked theatre tickets for the following weekend and no one will offer to pay me back for those either. I don’t mind this, I am happy to pay for a ‘treat’.

When I go and visit him, we stay in his flat which is lovely but again I end up covering the cost of almost everything else as he’s hosted us in his flat. Flight costs seem to be conveniently forgotten about.

I have always been brought up to be kind and generous with money, but lately I’ve been feeling a little resentful. I work hard for my money and I am very careful about what I spent it on. I also really need some time to myself and I am suffocating under the expectation of making myself constantly available.

Am I just being mean?

This

I cant believe they are being CFers

No Im not free to pick up
No I paid last time
No Im just paying for myself

Then SILENCE
Do not say another word

You are in FOG , your parents,are using this
Fear
Obligation
Guilt

That would annoy me so much.
Can you try to avoid being the ‘default payer’, for ex drink a glass of wine before someone has to drive to the takeway place (or misplace your licence).
If you have already booked tickets for something you could casually ask your DB to pay for the food when you are there « will you pay for all of us? It should even out with the tickets I paid for » or « don’t worry about the tickets, you can pay for lunch » - just how you would do with friends. Just be casual, don’t make a big deal out of it,

You say nobody will offer to pay you back. Do you ever ask? Do you always jump in and do it proactively so they have come to expect it, or even somehow formed the view you want to?

For entrance tickets, do you go to the front of the group and ask for 4 tickets, or do they send you up? What would happen if you hung back at the ticket desk and let one of them ask for tickets?

Your parents are out of order, and your brother is a pathetic freeloader. I’d pick him up at the airport and tell him straight - “you’re a grown man and it’s a shame that our parents never taught you basic manners, but you don’t visit and let your hosts pay all your costs, you treat your hosts”.

If he’s come without any money in his account, then he stays in at your parents and eats all his meals there.

Why can’t your parents pick him up from the airport given you work and they’re retired? Why did you buy theatre tickets?

that's why I use the "not in my budget" line. Its not about what you can afford its about what you have chosen to do with your income.

So Golden Balls is brazen enough to sit back and let YOU/parents pay for everything while he's here? I would lose all respect for him, not to mind your parents and their golden child.

First thing I'd insist on is for Golden Balls to get public transport from the airport to a place nearer to you. Then you can pick him up from there. Let him do a bit of legwork, the lazy presumtive so and so. I don't like him already!

Out of kindness and to show good will, I'd buy the takeaway, but not the tickets. Be subtle but be firm. You are his sister not his ATM or his carer.

I’d really like to know why you, your parents, and your brother don’t take the time to sit down, talk, and work out fair solutions for everyone involved.

It seems like there’s been a consistent lack of communication and miscommunication going on for quite some time.

I truly believe families fall apart when they don’t make the effort to come together, talk things through, and find what’s best for everyone.

Airport pickup - I think most people would do that for family.

Takeaway get it delivered and only have the cash for your own.

Sunday driving again I wouldn't have an issue but I'd breezily say oh everyone can get their own tickets and walk ahead

Declare your not avaliable after work as you have project etc so wont be finishing until later

I'm confused as to why you can't just say....no. No I'm not paying for all this, no I can't be taxi service etc.

If you :

Won't say "no"
Won't say "I'm not paying for everything "
Won't say "I can't do all you're suggesting as I need some me time"
Won't advocate for yourself
Won't put yourself first and protect your own finances

.....then you'll simply have to suck it all up and seethe silently 😀

This

all with a martyrish pained expression etched on her face!

Some people just fixate on individuals as being "less responsible" than others, and don't see that they're piling responsibility on others to a crazy extreme.

My mum does this with my brother, but my friend is also the same - she has it fixed in her head that another friend isn't responsible or well-off enough to do her share or pay for her share, but the truth is, she's a total enabler for her.

I actually get on better with the other friend/my brother just fine when the enablers aren't acting as intermediaries.

Can you engineer seeing your brother without your parents? Invite him to something just the two of you?

It’s cultural within our family. My brother is very much viewed as the irresponsible ‘baby’ of the family who needs looking after. He has high rents where he lives, and he chooses to spend his money on city lifestyle..eating out, drinks etc. He is left with much less money at the end of the months.

I am viewed as the ‘wealthier’ older sister but in reality, I am just more sensible with my money and will save up and splash out on travel occasionally. It would be viewed as ‘mean’ should I start attempting not to pay as my family view the travelling as fairly lavish.

Never mind this visit, I think I’d be starting to create some healthy distance from your family more generally OP.

It’s none of any of their business what you earn and how you spend it, and they certainly aren’t entitled to stick their hands in your pockets whenever they like.

If this was a partner you were taking about people would rightly be citing financial abuse. Think about going low or no contact with your family for a while until you’ve all got some healthy boundaries.

It’s cultural within our family. My brother is very much viewed as the irresponsible ‘baby’ of the family who needs looking after.

You don't need to keep perpetuating this though. It can stop, and you can stop it by creating some distance with your parents and taking a long hard look at your family relationships. If your brother can spend his money on city living, you can spend yours as you seem fit. You don't have to keep babying your brother, he's not 'little' any more. He's an adult who's making own choices. So should you.

Ok so your started the thread to just have a whinge with no intention of actually making any change whatsoever?

Got it

To be fair op… you have started a few threads about sticky situations between you and friends / family and… money!

“Embarrassing situation with tradesperson and quote”

”WWYD” about you paying for a thank you meal for a friend but saying that you think you spent too much on the meal when you considered the condition of the clothing she gave you.

and then a thread about feeling obliged to buy presents for your friends children.

common theme…. Money

I wouldn't care if they thought I was mean. Your brother is an adult and has chosen to live in a place with high rents and to spend his money on a city lifestyle. That doesn't mean that you need to subsidise him when he visits your parents.

You travel at your own expense to visit your brother and no-one expects to pay for your meals when you are there. Your parents have massive double standards and it would make me really cross.

Stop pandering to them and paying for stuff. If they worry about your brother spending his own money when he visits, it's up to them to pay for him, not you.

You clearly have no intention of standing up to your parents and brother, so just pay for everything and stop complaining. You are an adult FFS, so is your brother. You are choosing for people to walk all over you. If you would rather please everyone else for the rest of your life, then just carry on as you are. If you want to change it, then grow a backbone and say no.

In short… this

Ok fair point. It is a topic that I find difficult.

And you start a thread about it; you’re given advice; you push back on everything; and then leave.

Then start another thread about same issue but different people

Rinse and repeat

have you considered therapy?

I just wanted to sense check ahead of taking any action. I do have intention of changing as I don’t wish to carry on feeling resentful but it’s helpful getting thoughts/feedback of the group before doing so.

What are you planning to do?

He is here soon? Just knock it on the head. Today. This morning. Now