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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being petty about money?

174 replies

Blackberryandcherry · 10/10/2025 14:00

Apologies for the incoming rant!

My brother is visiting from France (for a week) and my parents&him both expect that I am going to run around after him for his entire trip. I feel resentful about the expectation that I have to make myself available for his entire visit, but also I end up out of pocket too.

I’ve already been asked to pick him up from the airport on Saturday for which I’ll have to take a 2 hour trip and pay for parking at my own expense.

We’ll be getting takeaway on Saturday night at our parents house which I’ll be asked to collect, and no one will offer to pay me back.

We are going out for the day on Sunday and it is expected that I will be the designated driver as well as potentially covering the costs of entrance tickets as ‘he’s had to pay for his flights’.

I’m expected to make myself available after work during the week even though I work a busy job and I’m often not home until 7pm, but if I even hint that I might need some time to myself I get told ‘he is your bother so you should make time for him’. Apart from Thursday and Friday when he has made his own arrangements to see friends, and this was without any consultation as to whether that suits anyone else.

I have booked theatre tickets for the following weekend and no one will offer to pay me back for those either. I don’t mind this, I am happy to pay for a ‘treat’.

When I go and visit him, we stay in his flat which is lovely but again I end up covering the cost of almost everything else as he’s hosted us in his flat. Flight costs seem to be conveniently forgotten about.

I have always been brought up to be kind and generous with money, but lately I’ve been feeling a little resentful. I work hard for my money and I am very careful about what I spent it on. I also really need some time to myself and I am suffocating under the expectation of making myself constantly available.

Am I just being mean?

OP posts:
Blessedbethefruitloopss · 10/10/2025 16:40

At the very least ask them to transfer the theatre tickets. Their “treat” money is now going towards all the other stuff they expect/demand.

Original poster
Blackberryandcherry · 10/10/2025 16:47

SchrodingersParrot · 10/10/2025 15:01

OP, you say your parents are very protective of him. Is he the golden child?

Edited

Yes it’s because he lives abroad and will only come home a couple of times a year. They expect me to drop everything and make myself available. We are close and I do want to see him, I just need a little time to myself to recharge too.

OP posts:
willowthecat · 10/10/2025 16:49

There is a big difference between seeing him when he's back and being superglued to him. It sounds like they don't value your time or appreciate what you do

TotallyUnapologeticOmnivore · 10/10/2025 16:54

Why does a grown man need to be picked up from the airport? Has he not heard of trains?

Pinkysparkles · 10/10/2025 16:55

What about saying ?

I’m struggling financially. Im sorry but with COL I can’t afford to do x and y but I will pick you up as I have put money away for the fuel and parking which will cost me X.

Would you consider this?

PhuckTrump · 10/10/2025 16:57

TotallyUnapologeticOmnivore · 10/10/2025 16:54

Why does a grown man need to be picked up from the airport? Has he not heard of trains?

Or National Express? OP, you can volunteer to pick him up from either the train station or the bus stop.

Confused118 · 10/10/2025 17:00

Families are all different so if thats their expectations/normality then they're not being unreasonable. It sounds as though that none of this is being reciprocated and thats the catalyst for you being annoyed. If they expect it off you but not him then I don't think you're being petty at all.

Siblings can literally fall out forever due to parents golden childing or favouring. It's unacceptable.

Grammarnut · 10/10/2025 17:01

Have the takeaway delivered and pay your share i.e. one quarter. Say you don't want to drive on Sunday, thanks, you want to have a drink. Other than that, practice saying no, and do not offer to pay for anything. It's only a week, you should be able to manage to fend them off.

Grammarnut · 10/10/2025 17:02

TotallyUnapologeticOmnivore · 10/10/2025 16:54

Why does a grown man need to be picked up from the airport? Has he not heard of trains?

Depends which airport, I think. He could arrange a hire car.

Bjorkdidit · 10/10/2025 17:11

Who's expecting all this? If they ask, say no.

If they're not asking and you're just jumping in and running around after them all the time, stop doing it.

You're retired parents could easily have more disposable income than you so they can pay their own way.

Can't they also collect him from the airport seeing as they're retired so have time or he get public transport or a taxi?

It sounds like your brother has decided to travel around so it's his choice if he's not bought property or grown his career like you have.

If you're busy at work, you're busy at work. Why can't they all come to yours and bring a takeaway or cook dinner for when you get home from work?

Honestly some people are their own worst enemy.

canchewcashew · 10/10/2025 17:12

I'd find that so annoying! My parents wouldn't put any of their children in this position, much less guilt us with that 'he's your brother' crap. Yes, if he was in desperate need of help and you had the ability to give him a hand, that would be one thing, but expecting you to pay almost all the expenses because he's chosen a more expensive, less settled lifestyle? No way would I subsidise that. If your parents and brother can't afford to pay some of this themselves, they need to lower their expectations.

diddl · 10/10/2025 17:12

So you're collecting from the airport & all having a takeaway together on the Sat.

Day out all together on Sun.

Plans for the next weekend also.

So I'd probably pop round once in the week.

He's staying with Mum & dad so they'll be seeing plenty of him.

I wouldn't be paying entrance to something I was driving everyone to.

Surely they want to go so they pay for themselves.

Likewise the theatre I would have thought tbh.

allmymonkeys · 10/10/2025 17:18

Have a good look at the week's schedule, decide for yourself which bits of it you are happy to take on (including the outlay), and make it clear that you are not available for the times you don't want to join in, and equally make it clear that you expect e.g. the takeaway to be a shared expense. If bro or parents say something like "but I'm/he's only here for a week, surely you can spare the time!" you reply that yes you're looking forward to seeing him but your other interests are important too.

If the pressure builds and builds, remember at all times that "No." is a complete sentence. They can spoil him to their hearts' content if they like, and you can enjoy spending time with him as much as and no more than you like.

Cornishclio · 10/10/2025 17:23

I would feel resentful too. I think you must have
fallen into this default position as a monied older sibling and I would be making clear you won’t be covering costs for activities etc beyond the one you booked. How do they know what you can or can’t afford? Suggest you split the takeaway three ways so it doesn’t all fall on you. Providing home cooked meals are much cheaper.

Createausername1970 · 10/10/2025 17:25

Having read your updates, I would pick him up from the airport and have a catch-up with him in the car back to your parents place and drop into the conversation that you are really busy this week and you will see him at the theatre, but won't be able to pop over much this time.

Then do not take part in the weekend excursion or takeaways.

If you find this difficult then arrange to meet them at the excursion later, say you will see them in the cafe at 2.30. And tell them to get the take away delivered as you don't know what time you can get away from work.

You can extract yourself if you want to.

LittleBitofBread · 10/10/2025 17:32

All these things that you're being 'expected' to do.
In the immortal words of Bernard Black, they can expect away.

I've been asked to pick him up from the airport: 'No. He can get the airport bus/train or a taxi.'

We’ll be getting takeaway on Saturday night at our parents house which I’ll be asked to collect, and no one will offer to pay me back. 'Who's collecting the takeaway? I've done it plenty of times; someone else can go today. Or we can get it delivered.' And before any money goes out on it: 'Right, that's £xx each. Do an instant transfer into my bank account, or hand over the cash if you have it, and then I'll place the order.'

We are going out for the day on Sunday and it is expected that I will be the designated driver as well as potentially covering the costs of entrance tickets as ‘he’s had to pay for his flights. 'Someone else needs to drive today, I've done more than my share. Or shall we get an Uber to share?' And just walk away from the door/entrance after you've bought your own ticket.

I’m expected to make myself available after work during the week even though I work a busy job and I’m often not home until 7pm Just don't Confused Don't go to their house/the restaurant they're meeting at/wherever. When people call or message, 'quiet night in for me tonight! See you on X day.'

I have booked theatre tickets for the following weekend and no one will offer to pay me back for those either. I don’t mind this, I am happy to pay for a ‘treat’.
I would mind given the context, and I think you should too. Don't give anyone their tickets until they've paid you.

parakeet · 10/10/2025 17:52

Little Bit of Bread has said nearly everything that needs to be said here. You are only having to do all this because you let them walk all over you. Re the money, your family presumably have no idea if you can afford it or not. Just say, Sorry, can't afford to pay for you all, can you transfer it please. It sounds like you're more bothered about the time than the money - just politely decline. See him three days out of seven, you'll enjoy those days much more as a result. Picking anyone up from the airport these days is insane with the charges - suggest an Uber. £60 isn't much on top of a flight. Grow a backbone!

Orpheya · 10/10/2025 18:00

I wouldn't agree to any of this
Your parents are alive, they'll entertain him.

ForPlumReader · 10/10/2025 18:15

Do your parents realise what happens when you visit DB in France, perhaps they assume he covers all the costs? It's possibly ok for you both to cover the costs for parents (assuming they can't afford it) but DB should be paying his fair share.

C152 · 10/10/2025 18:24

Your feelings are valid, OP. But it's worth keeping in mind that saying yes to one thing doesn't mean you have to say yes to everything. Personally, I don't think it's unreasonable to ask family to pick you up from the airport - it's one of the perks of having family! But you're not his parent and you're on a similar salary, so I don't see why you should have to pay entrance tickets for everyone on outings, or theatre tickets etc. Just say no to these. When you rock up to the entrance, get in line first, ask for one ticket, then go in. They'll have to buy their own tickets. Same for the takeaway. Ensure someone else orders and pays for home delivery, then just hand them a £10 note or whatever your share costs. If you're tired after work, just say you're tired after work and won't be doing whatever they have suggested.

Goldbar · 10/10/2025 18:28

If you want to avoid being asked for money/favours going forward without any unpleasantness, my advice would be to ask your parents/brother for money. Claim you're in financial difficulties or something like that. They won't give you any, but they'll hopefully leave you very much alone after that.

Original poster
Blackberryandcherry · 10/10/2025 18:30

Pinkysparkles · 10/10/2025 16:55

What about saying ?

I’m struggling financially. Im sorry but with COL I can’t afford to do x and y but I will pick you up as I have put money away for the fuel and parking which will cost me X.

Would you consider this?

Edited

I think they’d know this simply wasn’t true. This is why I wonder if I’m being mean/petty, as I can afford it but I just feel it should be fairer cost wise.

OP posts:
Thatmoves · 10/10/2025 18:39

Op you’ve had issues with family / friends and money in the past.

Come on… you can do this.

Sure I’ll pick up from airport, happy to in fact
but let’s all chip in with….

Linenpickle · 10/10/2025 18:51

Just don’t go there every evening. Get him to go in and collect the takeaway due to parking issues etc. Just because you’re parents pander to him doesn’t mean you have to.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 10/10/2025 18:54

If you are close with your brother then I would use the opportunity of a drive home on Saturday afternoon to say that you are growing weary of the expectation that you cover all the logistics and costs of treating him when he comes home. He is a grown adult with funds of his own and your parents are treating him like a coddled child. Point out that you are expected to drop everything to drive him about, cover all the costs of any thing external.

Take the piss. Start calling him Golden Balls. Humour can often take the edge of a pointed message

Also, ask him to come with you to the takeaway so he can jump out and collect the food. If he has the nerve to ask you for cash, give him a hard look and mention mildly that you saved him the cost of a train ticket / uber whatever that afternoon.

And if you Iive in London, tell him to get the train home. It's bonkers to pick someone up by car unless they are elderly and enfeebled or travelling with a metric ton of stuff and small children.

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