Am I being petty about money?

[Blackberryandcherry]

Apologies for the incoming rant!

My brother is visiting from France (for a week) and my parents&him both expect that I am going to run around after him for his entire trip. I feel resentful about the expectation that I have to make myself available for his entire visit, but also I end up out of pocket too.

I’ve already been asked to pick him up from the airport on Saturday for which I’ll have to take a 2 hour trip and pay for parking at my own expense.

We’ll be getting takeaway on Saturday night at our parents house which I’ll be asked to collect, and no one will offer to pay me back.

We are going out for the day on Sunday and it is expected that I will be the designated driver as well as potentially covering the costs of entrance tickets as ‘he’s had to pay for his flights’.

I’m expected to make myself available after work during the week even though I work a busy job and I’m often not home until 7pm, but if I even hint that I might need some time to myself I get told ‘he is your bother so you should make time for him’. Apart from Thursday and Friday when he has made his own arrangements to see friends, and this was without any consultation as to whether that suits anyone else.

I have booked theatre tickets for the following weekend and no one will offer to pay me back for those either. I don’t mind this, I am happy to pay for a ‘treat’.

When I go and visit him, we stay in his flat which is lovely but again I end up covering the cost of almost everything else as he’s hosted us in his flat. Flight costs seem to be conveniently forgotten about.

I have always been brought up to be kind and generous with money, but lately I’ve been feeling a little resentful. I work hard for my money and I am very careful about what I spent it on. I also really need some time to myself and I am suffocating under the expectation of making myself constantly available.

Am I just being mean?

I find it odd that it's "cultural" to get involved with how adult kids spend their earnings.

It's not their business.

If you no longer want to treat everyone, sub your brother-what are they going to do?

As you haven't said no to any of this this time, I think you'll have to suck it up. Difficult to suddenly put the brakes on if everyone thinks it's all sorted. Then either at the end of the visit or next time, tell them to lower their expectations as it isn't fair that they take it for granted that you are at their service constantly.

Do you actually like your brother? He sounds pretty spoilt and entitled. Probably because your parents have brought him up like that and everyone dances round him. If this is your culture it will be difficult to dig your heels in and you would have to be prepared to be ostracised. But you have to make that choice. If it were me, I would invent a contagious illness preventing me from doing anything after you have collected him from the airport! Good luck.

I understand it’s hard to break away from these sort of expectations, but for your own wellbeing you need to care less about what your parents think of you.

My DH could have written this his set up is very similar. He is living in the "big city" and is "wealthy".... 🙄
Back in reality the sibling has move disposable income pm than we do combined.

He found it is very difficult to challenge this status quo, there ia a huge often unspoken pressure.
Qhen we met he paid for everyone's birthday meals Inc his own 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 and barely got a thank you Every. Single. Year. 😱

He has out manoeuvred them with my help (and also having kids has helped as its a bit of a reset)

You need to preempt the situations and outfox them.
So you text and be crazy late for takeaway meal and suggest "someone else" collects... literally "forget your wallet"

if challenged say "oh I'm surprised by that. I already paid for x years and z. Why do you think I should pay for X for everyone too?"
I asked this question on behalf of my husband regrading a takeaway and the silence was absolutely DEAFENING...😅
Mil gave me cats bum face all evening 🤣🤣🤣

One of my faves is also at a dinner with him sibling and mil (thry were giving wild wine, 3 courses, disgestifs etc) he stood up as if to go the bathroom and came back and said "I've just paid half the bill you two can settle up the rest i am popping to the toilet...." he hid there for 15 mins or so then re-emerged.
I thought it was genius!
As he paid more than his share and they were staying with us ... they couldn't accuse him of stingyness or kick off too much and he said when he got back they were still arguing on who should pay! Lmfao 😅😅😅

So everyone has said the same thing - when are you going to tell them no?

Stop being a bloody doormat. You’re an adult ffs 🙄

I don't think that anyone who has responded to your OP has said that you should pay for your brother and your parents when your brother comes to visit. It's pretty unanimous which is unusual on here.

The question is, how will your parents react when you try and set some reasonable boundaries for your brother's visit? Will they become upset and/or angry? Are you worried about their reaction?

Your brother is obviously the 'golden child', but are you the 'scapegoat'. Have you always been treated less favourably and less kindly?

Yes I think parents reaction is definitely a big part of it. I feel the expectation is that I will look after my younger sibling and my worry is I will be deemed uncaring or unsupportive of him if I try and pull back.

Thank you everyone who has taken time to reply - I have carefully read each and every reply so thank you for this.

So I have decided that I will still do the airport pick up and drop off, I will drive for the day trip but won’t cover any other costs that day.

I won’t call round during the week after work, and I will go for takeaway but only pay for my own.

If I am made to feel guilty by my parents I am going to speak to them once my brother has gone to explain how I have been feeling.

For those asking, I wouldn’t say my brother is the ‘golden child’ but he does cause them more worry as they deem his lifestyle to be less settled/less responsible which is where this has stemmed from.

You don't need to "look after" your younger brother though as he earns enough to look after himself.

If he stays with your parents hen he visits then his costs are only his flights & what he chooses to spend on himself once there.

So minimal!

Do they think that if the red carpet isn't rolled out he'll visit even less?

as they deem his lifestyle to be less settled/less responsible which is where this has stemmed from.

But you paying for stuff when he visits has no bearing on that at all!

You sound like a drama llama to be honest

If you can’t face the conversation you are going to have to play things a bit smarter.

Airport- you have already agreed to the collection run, someone else can do the drop off when he goes back. Be unavailable.

Takeaway- you drive but someone else comes in the car to collect, so they can jump out while you wait in the car in a safe stopping place. Have enough cash for your share .

Day out - buy your ticket online in advance (it’s often cheaper ) and then message family to suggest they do the same for their tickets. If they say they’ll just get them on the day, send them off to the ticket booth while you sort parking.

This isn't about you being generous Op this is about your DPs view of their DC, they see you as older and sensible and him as young and vulnerable but that isn't fact, that's their mindset. Your DB makes the same salary so he's capable of paying his way, he could wise up and stop his party boy lifestyle and buy a house but he doesn't want that, doesn't mean he's wrong but not your job to baby him.
Your DP haven't raised you to be kind and generous, they've raised you to put yourself last and that's not good, far too many users out there who will take from you. Time to stop worrying about their views Op, you're a grown woman, they can't guilt trip you unless you let them

I think that’s a good way to start putting some boundaries in. Don’t let them guilt trip you.

Well done OP. Please use this thread to update on progress.
It will be hard for you to move out of your role of downtrodden provider, so I would use some of the techniques on this thread and have some stock phrases that you can repeat in tricky situations. For example I would give everyone the heads up about not paying for the daytime attraction. I would perhaps message your parents “I checked on the entrance prices for X, gosh things are so pricey these days! The theatre tickets that are my treat were a lot more than anticipated, so I just wanted to give you the heads up that everyone will need to pay for their own tickets. If that’s an issue happy to go for a nice hike instead .”

Blame everything on the cost of living and make frequent reference to the theatre tickets you so generously treated them to. Maybe for the takeaway you could remove yourself from the equation “I am trying to avoid UPFs /takeaway food gives me a dodgy tummy/on diet. Happy to go pick up your order if someone gives me their card or pays in advance.” Just be very busy at work for the extra days.

For the theatre visit, I suspect they will try to up the ante. Find somewhere with a cheap pre theatre menu “ I have booked Carlos. Their pre theatre is £12.95 each so should be good for everyone’s budget.”

I have thought of another couple of sneaky tactics.
When driving DB back from airport, casually enquire how much his flight cost.Then when you’re challenged about it by DPs as the reason you pay for everything else “Actually DB said it was £50. Amazing how flights cost less than one ticket to the theatre these days <tinkly laugh>, gosh now I think about it, even the airport parking was almost £20. It’s great how cheap flights are these days, so lucky for us all.” Or offer to pay for the air fares if it gets you out of paying for everything else.

Another thing you could do if you think DB is amenable is get him onside “DB I don’t know if you noticed on your last visit but DPs got me to pay for everything, they must think I am rolling in it. But I am really not, everything is so expensive these days and last visit cost me over £500. Please can you help me with this, they are much more likely to listen to you.”

Also I think your DPs sound lazy. If you’re the one trekking to the airport at back, surely they could at least put together a lasagne or roast or something to eat, not opt for a takeaway.

bloody hell op
ignore this
you are an adult.

just be clear
none of this kind of silliness

One of my sisters is much much wealthier than the rest of us, and I wouldn’t ever expect her to pay for everything. We always split things equally . It doesn’t matter who has more or doesn’t, he’s not your responsibility and you shouldn’t be shamed into paying for anyone! It’s really mean of them to expect you to do so and it might make it a bit awkward ( their fault) but stop putting up with it from now on x

I think a parental expectation that one sibling takes care of the other, unreasonable in any culture, unless a sibling is disabled in some way maybe, but even then it's a parent's responsibility to provide care. Your brother is perfectly able, has no special needs or impediments to adulting, he's just making different choices. Those choices are not yours to make up for. They're setting you up to mother him when they are gone, unless of course he finds a wife, in which case you'll be off the hook. I'd either come down with norovirus or adopt some of the strategies given, get your ticket online, get the take away delivered etc

It's another situation where the precious son is obviously valued much more than the daughter. ("Dombey And Son" puts it plainly.) I wish the parents of these wonderful damn sons would realise that without somebody else's daughter they wouldn't have their almighty sons. What would they do if you genuinely developed Covid, and were too ill to do much?

You need to sit down with your brother and your parents and let them know you will not be shouldering all the costs of this visit and you will not be available after work as you need time at home and your sleep, you have no time for socialising as you do not get in until 7, once you have changed and eaten, digested and set up for work next morning you watch the news and maybe half an hour of something and it's time for bed.
Emphasise you are sacrificing your Saturday to collect him, and would appreciate it if the parents could do that sometimes as it is a chunk out of your weekend and parking charges are substantial.
Point out you will not be paying for entrance tickets on the Sunday- the cost of flights is irrelevant as you have to cover that cost when you visit him, but he is not expected to pay for entertainment because you had to pay for flights. You expect reciprocity. Hand everyone your collection of takeaway menus and say who it going to treat us? I picked up the bill the last time.
Your brother and your parents are not going to accept you pick up the tab all the time unless you point it out to them- it's far more convenient not to, so they won't- the fact you can afford it is besides the point- so can they, but they are not taking their share of the burden-speak up

To quote Gabor Mate

If refusing something leaves you feeling guilty, but consenting leaves resentment behind, choose guilt. Resentment is suicide for the soul.

You need to grow a backbone and stand up to them. No I am not going to collect the takeaway. Stand back when you go anywhere, do not offer. Stop being a doormat and stand up for yourself.