Am I being petty about money?

[Blackberryandcherry]

Apologies for the incoming rant!

My brother is visiting from France (for a week) and my parents&him both expect that I am going to run around after him for his entire trip. I feel resentful about the expectation that I have to make myself available for his entire visit, but also I end up out of pocket too.

I’ve already been asked to pick him up from the airport on Saturday for which I’ll have to take a 2 hour trip and pay for parking at my own expense.

We’ll be getting takeaway on Saturday night at our parents house which I’ll be asked to collect, and no one will offer to pay me back.

We are going out for the day on Sunday and it is expected that I will be the designated driver as well as potentially covering the costs of entrance tickets as ‘he’s had to pay for his flights’.

I’m expected to make myself available after work during the week even though I work a busy job and I’m often not home until 7pm, but if I even hint that I might need some time to myself I get told ‘he is your bother so you should make time for him’. Apart from Thursday and Friday when he has made his own arrangements to see friends, and this was without any consultation as to whether that suits anyone else.

I have booked theatre tickets for the following weekend and no one will offer to pay me back for those either. I don’t mind this, I am happy to pay for a ‘treat’.

When I go and visit him, we stay in his flat which is lovely but again I end up covering the cost of almost everything else as he’s hosted us in his flat. Flight costs seem to be conveniently forgotten about.

I have always been brought up to be kind and generous with money, but lately I’ve been feeling a little resentful. I work hard for my money and I am very careful about what I spent it on. I also really need some time to myself and I am suffocating under the expectation of making myself constantly available.

Am I just being mean?

What stops you asking for the money for the takeaway and entrance fees before you go?

I voted YABU because you could easily turn this situation around by asserting yourself better.

The other week mil got stuck in the airport and it drove me mad that everyone was going on about how they’d miss an hour or two at work because they’d have to collect her. You’re looking at it like you’re being pushed into all of this- how about you just say ‘it’s going to be a fun time, I’ll try to get in on their excitement’.

Wrong thread?

Just say no. It's none of anyone's concern whether you can afford it it not. You shouldn't have to fund him. He's a grown ass man! He should be embarrassed not to put his hand in his wallet. Who does he think he is?!

I think picking him up from the airport is OK and I'd definitely do that and not expect any payment, but the takeaway and day out?? It's pretty weird that everyone would expect you to pay for those, even your brother himself?

If you get asked to pick up the takeaway, I'd ask if anyone has any cash you can take as you don't have any on you or something like that.

How often does this happen? If it's once or twice a year I would do it apart from all the evenings, just say you're too knackered to do evenings out and work when you don't get home until 7pm. The parents can entertain him for a few evenings or he can entertain them. If your parents are retired I would give them a pass on paying. In my family I have the opposite problem it ends up with people fighting to pay, I'll pay, no let me, no I insist, that drives me mad too, I invited you I'll pay!

Taking your experience and mine and extrapolating wildly I want to say that parents are always weird about little brothers! Trying hard to buck that with my dc but currently the girls are stroppy teens who get annoyed with me a lot and the boy is still cute and cuddly...

Sorry op, this is on you.

Say no.

Are you close? If you are then I think things like picking him up from the airport and haveing a very busy week without much 'you time' in order to see him a lot are fair enough as expectations for just one week.

But paying for everything, especially when he doesn't do the same when you visit him, aren't on. I wouldn't make a big thing of it but I'd say things like 'can you give me cash now as I think the takeaway prefer it' or, more directly, 'I'll go and get it but you guys are paying for it, I had high petrol costs yesterday and I've bought the theatre tickets.'

If you're not close then no, I wouldn't do much beynd the airport pick up and a c ouple of visits to your parents with no cost involved.

If you're on similar salaries, he can pay his own way! Presumably his choice to move abroad so him already paying for his flights is neither here nor there.

Its great he's coming to visit but why should you pick up the financial tab (meals etc) as a result of his choice to live abroad?

He sounds like the golden child and I’d be telling your parents that you cannot be there to run him around constantly.

I assume you want to spend as much time with him as you can but not at the expense of feeling used.

I would say that you can only visit once or twice during the week after work but you can’t on the other days and so you’ll see him on the weekend instead.

Be careful that you’re not cutting your nose off to spite your face.
My brother is the golden child and I used to resent him for my parents behaviour but now we’re much closer to each other than our parents.

Yes, I voted this too. Yanbu to not want to do these things but yabu to not say no.

I think this is one of the blockers to saying no as I can afford it, I would just choose to be more careful and put it towards my mortgage.

Well then in effect surely you can't afford it as you have other priorities for your money.

And of course it is your money to spend as you wish-not for others to decide how you spend it!

Honestly this is something you speak about with your brother, not your parents. Just ask him to split costs and make yourself less available. It doesn’t sound like a reciprocal relationship.

Yabu - this is up to you

you can say sorry k am too tired
you can say can I have the money up front please

You still shouldn't be asked to pay for him. He's your brother, not your child. Just tell them that you can't afford it.

Many retired people often have very generous pensions and savings and are much wealthier than their working adult children.

Make it clear AHEAD OF HIS VISIT that you can pay for only your share of things. Do this before the visit so everyone can manage their expectations. Cost of living has escalated so quickly that you could reasonably send a message now saying, 'as you all know I am having to budget more due to increased costs, so can only really pay for myself. On that basis, what activities is everyone happy to do?'

Don't pay for takeaways or activities! Your parents can cook a cheap meal at home and you can bring a dessert to contribute.

No one should be doing activities or takeaways that they can't afford to pay for, and they definitely shouldn't be expecting others to pay for them.

Well let them, doesn't mean you need to find everything no what what is "expected". The word you are looking for is "no".

Your 'little brother' is an adult with a similar salary to you.

Learn to say no.

OP, you say your parents are very protective of him. Is he the golden child?

How much are flights from France anyway?! They are being CFs

You're not a walking cash machine, your Dbro and parents are extremely cheeky.
I wouldn't mind the airport run, one takeaway, guests cost money and a bit of extra effort, granted he is not your guest.
Can your parents afford the extra expense? It isn't fair that it falls on you.

The meals for your brother will barely make a dent in their pension!!! If they are ordering takeaway then they should be paying for it!! Not expecting their daughter to cover everyone!! That’s very rude as well as entitled! They should be paying for everyone or saying we will pay for ourselves and brother himself etc

"‘he’s had to pay for his flights’."

Isn't that about £100 from France to England, So, probably a lot less than you're paying out. All a bit of a joke, really.

You have to speak up. Practice saying - "I've paid for the theatre, I can't pY for this as well; shall we all chip in for our own?".