Am I being petty about money?

[Blackberryandcherry]

Apologies for the incoming rant!

My brother is visiting from France (for a week) and my parents&him both expect that I am going to run around after him for his entire trip. I feel resentful about the expectation that I have to make myself available for his entire visit, but also I end up out of pocket too.

I’ve already been asked to pick him up from the airport on Saturday for which I’ll have to take a 2 hour trip and pay for parking at my own expense.

We’ll be getting takeaway on Saturday night at our parents house which I’ll be asked to collect, and no one will offer to pay me back.

We are going out for the day on Sunday and it is expected that I will be the designated driver as well as potentially covering the costs of entrance tickets as ‘he’s had to pay for his flights’.

I’m expected to make myself available after work during the week even though I work a busy job and I’m often not home until 7pm, but if I even hint that I might need some time to myself I get told ‘he is your bother so you should make time for him’. Apart from Thursday and Friday when he has made his own arrangements to see friends, and this was without any consultation as to whether that suits anyone else.

I have booked theatre tickets for the following weekend and no one will offer to pay me back for those either. I don’t mind this, I am happy to pay for a ‘treat’.

When I go and visit him, we stay in his flat which is lovely but again I end up covering the cost of almost everything else as he’s hosted us in his flat. Flight costs seem to be conveniently forgotten about.

I have always been brought up to be kind and generous with money, but lately I’ve been feeling a little resentful. I work hard for my money and I am very careful about what I spent it on. I also really need some time to myself and I am suffocating under the expectation of making myself constantly available.

Am I just being mean?

You’re being massively taken advantage of and you know it. You need to start saying no to things.

Takeaway........I'd say if someone wants to order and pay over the phone I'll go and collect it! Your brother sounds very entitled, which sounds like is encouraged by your parents.

Or covid is going around🤒 a few days rest may be required and he can get a taxi from the airport!

I'm always the go to driver and airport taxi too, is a bit annoying that your just expected to pay the exorbitant charge for 5 minute drop off and pick up but like you say sounds petty to ask for it.🙄

Just say no - it will come as shock to them as they obviously don't expect you to 'rise up' and complain but as an outsider this strikes me as very skewed to his interests ? Is he their favourite child ? Do they think men need to be 'catered to' more than women ? Why do they think this way ? You say you pay whether you are in the UK or France !

You say no one offers you money for the things you’ve paid for but do you actually ask?

You're not being mean, but you're not speaking up for yourself either. You should not be uncritically obeying your parents at your age, and you don't have to agree with them about what they think is an appropriate way to treat a visiting sibling.
Say no to whatever bits of their plan you don't want to take part in. If you don't want to drive and park at the airport, ask DB to get a train to somewhere more convenient to pick him up. No need to discuss that with your parents. They are not the boss of you!

Can he get anywhere from the airport that would be more convenient for you to collect him?

A 2hr round trip is quite a big ask imo!

Are you near to your parents?

Staying with them but expecting you to run him around is just batshit imo!

Is it coming from your parents or him?

If you are the only driver then people go when & where is convenient to you & be bloody grateful.

As for him staying at mum & dad's for nothing-why doesn't he treat everyone to a takeaway?

As a thanks to you & them?

Ok @Blackberryandcherry , petty is when someone reminds you that you owe them 20p from lat January. The P word you are searching for is Pushover.

i suggest you install one of the many cost splitting apps available and message the family with, ‘hey everyone, looking forward to Jack’s visit and have got this brilliant app to work out each person’s share of the costs. I’m treating you all to the theatre tickets but we’ll need to split the rest since I still haven’t won the Lottery. See you next week.’

Then do it.

Are there some cultural reasons why you're expected to provide as the eldest and feel unable to say no, or question the status quo?

Retirement doesn't mean they don't have an income - or they'd still be working!
Do you know how much their state & private pension is? Mortgage/council/private rental?

Most airports have good public transport links. Can't your parents pick him up at the nearest train station?

Learn to stand up for yourself and set boundaries. Attend the events you want and stop paying for everything. You're treated lole this because you allow it.

I would do all of that and more for my sister. But she does the same for me and more when I visit her! And no one in my family assumes, everyone offers to pay their way, and everyone is gracious and grateful when treats and favours and kindnesses are shown.

It's the difference in behaviour that is the kicker.

As someone else said, OP, find your no.

Blimey. What's the Earth going to do for a light source if your brother sits down?

You know you're being taken advantage of. They know they're taking advantage of you, AND how to shame you into continuing to do so.

It's high time their game was ended.

I have booked theatre tickets for the following weekend and no one will offer to pay me back for those either

Stop going out of your way to book stuff as well.

If you know nobody will pay you back for this, don't go with them. Go to the cinema with some who doesn't treat you like a doormat.

I sometimes say that other people’s expectations are none of my business. In other words, they can ‘expect’ all they like but it’s up to me to decide what I’ll do.

If it were me (and assuming I was in good relationship with my parents and brother), I’d be fine with doing the airport pickup and paying for parking - that seems reasonable. As for the other areas, this is where you do need to speak up. If they ask you to order a takeaway, say ‘whose card am I putting it on? Or shall we just split it?’

If they’re expecting you to be available every night, you say ‘I’m free on Monday and on Wednesday but have other plans on the other nights’. And so on. But definitely don’t pay for park tickets ahead of time or anything like this unless it’s your own decision to offer everyone a treat. People will often keep on taking advantage until you put a stop to it.

Generosity is a lovely thing but if they’re expecting it, it removes all the joy from giving and only leaves you feeling resentful. Boundaries are beautiful things and you’ll feel 100% better once you put a few in place.

A 2 hour trip?! I wouldn't do that! The takeaway I wouldn't pay for either. I'd make myself busy those days. I wouldn't mind eating out with them one day, but I'd be busy the other days. You'll have to learn to say no.

Whose choices are the takeaway and the activity on Sunday? That person should pay for those, OR everyone pays for themselves. Why should you be subsidising your parents and brother? If they can’t afford these things then they need to make other plans.

As for having to visit every night of his trip, just say no. Some requests aren’t reasonable, and you’re already spending several hours over Saturday and Sunday with the family. Including an hour 1:1 in the car with your brother. Give yourself some time off in the week, your job sounds full-on.

You need to grow a spine and just say no, he's a grown up and he'll need to pay his own way. I'm his sister, not his bank account.

You make the same money.
Your choices means you are paying a mortgage.
His choices means he's frittered it away travelling over the year.
His consequences from his choices are not your problem to fund or solve for him.

I would reset from the point of arrival. Google where someone can go to be picked up with the lowest parking costs - even better if it requires your DB to walk for a bit.
Speak or email your DPs.”This time we’ll need to split entrance and food costs, or we can change plans to go somewhere for a walk instead.”
I would be angry and upset with your DPs - fine if they want to roll out the red carpet, but not at your expense!

I'd fetch him from the airport, other things costs should be shared.

This 100% …why is all the expectation on you and none on your mum and dad?

I can’t understand why you don’t ask for a contribution to the cost of the take away before you go to pick it up, same with entrance tickets, and just say no when they ask you to make yourself available after you finish work?? Why is that difficult?

Say no! You are not a taxi, a takeaway provider, an organiser or a charity!

YANBU but at the same time, just say no.

You're not being mean but you're being an ABSOLUTE DOORMAT. 🤦

Stop being so passive!

Agree you need to put boundaries in place. As others have already said, not all pensioners are poor! A fair few are lucky to have retired early, with private pensions and also get a state pension. They may have bought a home years ago and be mortgage free. Pensioners also get free travel (which maybe your parents make the most of hence no car for the airport run?).

It is up to you whether you maintain the peace and do these things and silently resent them all or speak up and start saying no.
I don't understand why you have to pay for everyone's takeaway, if you are there and they want one say sorry you are cutting back on these things to save money, but if they want to order for delivery that's up to them.

The trip out, again just say you are treating everyone to the theatre. Can you plan an activity which doesn't cost e.g a walk somewhere nice - you could even suggest going by train or bus to avoid being the taxi, and if they expect you to pay say you bought your ticket in advance.

I have a useful phrase which is "That's not in my budget" or "that's not in my budget right now" rinse and repeat.