DH missing parents evening to play football tonight

[HannahU]

DH was supposed to be accompanying me to parents evening later. He messaged me this afternoon to say his mate is short on numbers for his 5 a side football and asked him to do a favour, so he ‘didn’t want to let him down’ he said yes.

He says it doesn’t need both of us at parents evening and I’ll be better at remembering what was said to update him after!

AIBU to feel a bit peed off at how casual he is with this?

This. Why does he get to have a night out with his friends, when OP gets an evening discussing their joint children’s’ education?

Lol.

Says it all really.

Because parenting should be a shared activity and you seem to think it's a joke.

that's only Primary, and knowing how many families have several children and one parent need to stay with the siblings, I don't believe it's such a rare experience.

In Reception and Year1, there are often 2 parents to be seen. It doesn't last long

I'd be fine with my husband doing the football instead if he asked. Being told like this would be really irritating.

I really wouldn't care at all. If he was the only one able to go and then did this it would be another story but you're going anyway, I don't see why you need him to be there too.

Fwiw I'd say the same if you'd been invited on a night out and DH was the only one at parents evening.

Think it all depends on age of child and whether there is likely to be anything of importance said. We have both always gone but to be honest I wish we had tag teamed it, as invariably it ran late and we were told our child was doing well and nice to have in the class. If my child was in year 1 and doing well and husbands football team needed a player would be happy for them to go. If child choosing GCSEs and struggling I would be cross if other parent skived off to football. I miss the online parents evenings as they had no chance of running late.

We've also always attended parents evening together to show DC we both equally value their education and support the school.

I'd be pissed off to and be asking DH why he felt is was acceptable to let DC down.

My DD is now 30. Her dad never missed a parents evening and neither did I.
We both WANTED to go because DDs education was important to us.
We divorced when DD was 4 and always went to them together throughout her education.

Suggesting projection from a poster who doesn’t actually have children but has spent most of their evening arguing about the irrelevance of parent’s evening is rather funny.

It is 10 mins [30 mins if you want to include your parents travelling back and forth) once a year to find out how your child is doing in the 30 hours each week they are away from you. I think that’s a small little gesture parents can do for their children, even if they think it’s pointless.

(Sports day is truly pointless in that respect, and you need to spend the best part of an afternoon to watch multiple other year groups of children you don’t know - yet we still do it to show to our children we care and are interested).

Yanbu. I sincerely doubt this is the first or last time he’s put his own wants first.

i go to all my kids parents evening because i want to hear from the teachers and it’s also important to my children that I attend. I go with my ex.

The problem with the ‘taking it in turns’ idea is that he has already said the OP ‘is better at remembering anyway’

Chances are hed be going and then come out with ‘yes. Teacher said dc is fine’ with no question asked, no details etc….

And yes parents evenings are tedious.
But they’ve also been essential with my dcs. I’ve learnt one of them was really struggling (like being a year behind) at one of them. I could talk about issues such as who they were sat next to (teacher hadn’t realised - brand new teacher who then acted around it once aware) etc….

It’s not just about hearing ‘yes dc is doing well/struggling with xyz.’ And then moving on because there’s nothing new

If your child is doing well in school and there are no concerns on either side I don’t see why this would be a problem.

I think I would have been a bit annoyed not to have been consulted first. If asked if I minded, however, I would have said ‘yes - go play football, I’ll update you later’.

In primary school, it was mostly just me who went as I did most of the school runs and had a rapport with the teacher, more familiar with the school system - I also work in education.

In secondary, actually, we both try to attend, because it's a real rush seeing so many teachers and we don't always have time to make decent notes. It's only one parents' evening a year and DD has ASD and struggles, we get little contact with school so try to attend any school meetings together whenever possible. Plus the kids can stay home alone now.

I think it depends on the precedent. If you both agreed you were going together, it does feel like he's chosen his friends.

Online parents evening were awful because if there was anything to discuss, you couldn’t do it.

Fine if your dc is doing well. We were done is less than 10 mins. Easy.
When there was an issue? The fact you couldn’t extend it by even 1 minute was crap. Even more so for secondary school where there was no way you could just see the teacher at the end of the school day for clarification etc…..

I don't think both parents need to attend though it's helpful if the non attender looks after the other children at home.

Personally though I wouldn't be that bothered if I'd planned to go anyway. I liked doing that sort of thing.

At the school where I work, we get quite a few couples, lots of dads on their own and mums on their own. All depends on the family circumstances.

And I think there are better, more productive ways to show you care than attending parents evening once a year.

Again, I’m sorry your parents were a bit shit (your words) but mine weren’t, and aren’t. They’re fantastic and didn’t need to waste their time on parents evening to try and prove it.

They showed it to me every single day in more important ways. And still do today. The fact that they didn’t attend Parents’ Evening means absolutely nothing, really.

So a teacher has to suffer yet another parent interview to appease your domestic problem! Grow up. It's quite common to have just one parent at the meeting, the other is usually still working or with other children.

It’s not one of the other.

They are exclusively in the care of teachers for 30 hours a week so showing an interest in what they might be doing there really isn’t a massive ask. Hell I’d think most parents would want to know how their children are getting on in those time frames.

I’m not really looking to fight with you though and as a perspective from a child I acknowledge you were fine with your parents not being bothered. From a parents perspective, irrespective of how dull it can be, I can’t even imagine not wanting to do it anyway to a) see if I gleam something that I don’t know about my child and b) show him I’m interested and care. I would never tell him I can’t be bothered.

@StormyPotatoes but you don’t need to attend Parents Evening to know what’s going on or to show an interest - that’s the whole point I’m trying to make.

There are so many other ways of doing that, and if parents are engaged in other ways, then it won’t matter if they never attend Parents Evening. But if they don’t bother engaging in any other way then yes, they should probably spend ten minutes a year engaging with their kids school.

We were both at parents evening tonight. Took less than 5 minutes because no concerns. It really would not have bothered me if he didn't go. Couple of times he's not been able to because away with work. And once I couldn't go because I had something else on.

If there WERE concerns, that might make me feel differently. But probably not. A lot of parents go by themselves and it's easy enough to pass on the info.

Also, most parents I know keep up to date with teachers regularly. And if there are any issues you call the school or they call you.

No, both parents don’t NEED to attend but my DH could’ve been offered England tickets and he’d still have prioritised his children. (I’d have given him the pass and told him missing it once wouldn't hurt). So no, missing it once isn’t the issue. It’s the level of giving-a-shit that matters. YANBU op.

When children are small, you do. They can barely remember if they had English much less what they learned in it.

But even then when they are older, it’s the gesture from the parents - it’s showing that you have an active engagement in their lives. They are away from the best part of a working week.

Not just that, but if there’s no concerns (I.e. actual things parents need to be notified about like frequent absences or other misdemeanour) how often do you think parents find out from the school how their children are doing?

Or.....his wife could just update him. I don't see the drama. He can go next time.

It’s not just showing your face. Some of us have good communication skills. It’s an opportunity to get feedback as to where your child is and where improvements can be made. If you go in, with a laissez faire attitude then you will be met with a similar attitude.

Serious and engaged parents are met with the same attitude. It’s a two way relationship and should be treated as a collaboration for the over all well being and achievement of the child.

I never said it’s the most important thing but attending parents evening together is certainly important.