DH missing parents evening to play football tonight

[HannahU]

DH was supposed to be accompanying me to parents evening later. He messaged me this afternoon to say his mate is short on numbers for his 5 a side football and asked him to do a favour, so he ‘didn’t want to let him down’ he said yes.

He says it doesn’t need both of us at parents evening and I’ll be better at remembering what was said to update him after!

AIBU to feel a bit peed off at how casual he is with this?

Maybe he just doesn't see it as a big deal. It's not like they'd planned a date or something.

Because it's an easy way to feel smug without actually doing much, I guess.

why? does your husband need a hand hold to go into the school?

Because I always wonder about parents who are too shy and intimated to attend a parent evening by themselves. There's generally a couple of them (and a couple of divorced parents who do not communicate at all 😂), it just feel so weird.

He didn’t want to let his mate down. It’s ok to let his kid and wife down. Ok.
and yes, I know it doesn’t require both parents but his priorities are messed up.

Or maybe it's that football can't go ahead without enough players, Parents Evening doesn't actually require any parents to attend if they don't want to.

I have always found them to be a two way dialogue, an opportunity for us to give feedback on how we feel our children have been getting on and any concerns we have.

Is there a fundamental difference between state and private in how parents' evenings work?

As a teacher, I find it's pretty evenly split between families where one parent comes on their own and families where both parents come.

When it's only one parent, I've always assumed that the other parent is either working or at home with the children, both of which are obviously really good reasons for not going.

I would be extremely unimpressed with a parent who didn't bother coming because they are more interested in playing football than they are in their own child.

I get the point about him simply saying yes to his mate without having the courtesy to ask if you mind him skipping off to go to footie. He should have done that of course.

But I dont agree that he is anyway "letting his child down".

As a teacher, presumably you have a communicative relationship, there is no need for you both to be at parents’ evening. I’d go even further to say that very little important information can really be communicated in the 5 allocated minutes (and if there is a real problem a teacher shouldn’t wait until parents’ evening to tell you) so I wouldn’t worry if you need to miss a couple down the line too if life gets in the way!

I was thinking this tbh. It's not relevant if both parents are 'needed' there, it's relevant to the children that both parents want/try their bear to be there. At our primary the children are expected to attend their parents evenings, so they know who has shown up for them. And it's the same children that have both parents taking turns collecting them as those who have both at most school events. Funnily enough where it's one it's always the Mum!

🙄

I think it depends how he is re stuff for the kids geverally. I’ve had to miss some parents evening due to work and the same for my DH. We are equally involved in school stuff so if one night he went out I wouldn’t mind and vice versa. It sounds like maybe there is a bigger issue here where he’s treating you as the default parent and just doing the bits that suit him and that is not on.

This - he just assumed the OP would be ok and put what he wanted (and let’s be honest it is what he wanted first)

Parents Evenings vary actually depending on age and whether the child goes with you. Sometimes it is better if they don’t so one parent looks after and the other goes

I'd be equally unimpressed with a teacher who assumed parents evening was the only way for someone to show interest in their child, tbh.

Never not attended parents evening together. If someone has to work fair enough. You both need to know what is going on with your child. You both pick upon different things. Maybe it’s the school I am in but pretty much everyone goes together or at least 80%.
I would have hit the roof and put my foot down.
We have three kids btw. When they were little we brought them
with us or put them in after school club.

How old is yoru child?

DH always came with me whenever he could, there's no way he would have cancelled for a mate.

I bet it would be a different story if you had told him you were doing a hobby instead without even asking him first.

Make sure he does the next school thing alone and it isn't all falling on you because you're the woman and it's a woman's job.

Or maybe he'd think "Thank God, we can give it a miss then".

normally only one of us would go and report back

Yep. More bothered about "letting his mate down" (for a commitment that he never made in the first place) than keeping a commitment he had already made to his child and his partner. I'm sorry, OP. I think it shows that he thinks that your child's appointments are up to you to manage and attend, and that he places no importance on him being a part of it.

That's not what Cariadlet said.

and most teachers wouldn't care, and have more important things to worry about 😂

How old are the kids? Probably not relevant I know, but the first 2 years parents evenings were so lame in our school, quick five mins in and out and not much to report. I did have to miss a couple for my eldest when my business was first starting out, then when I went for my youngest I thought, god there’s no point two of us being here. But still, the point is he didn’t want to go and chose football which i agree is shit. So my waffling above is irrelevant

Also: if he's at all interested, he's giving OP additional invisible labour because he's going to ask her what the teachers said, and she's going to have to remember and parrot back to him what he could have been there listening to first hand.

No, just heavily implied.