Page 10 | DH missing parents evening to play football tonight

HannahU · 2025-10-09T17:02:14+00:00

DH was supposed to be accompanying me to parents evening later. He messaged me this afternoon to say his mate is short on numbers for his 5 a side football and asked him to do a favour, so he ‘didn’t want to let him down’ he said yes. He says it doesn’t need both of us at parents evening and I’ll be better at remembering what was said to update him after! AIBU to feel a bit peed off at how casual he is with this?

thisishowloween · 09/10/2025 21:32

@StormyPotatoes you don’t have to attend parents evenings to find those things out though. You can get in touch with their teacher at any point in the school year. You can speak to the pastoral team or the head of year. You can make an appointment to pop in after school or catch them in the playground, or send an email. When I was in school there was even a section in our homework diaries where teachers and parents could communicate each week.

This idea that you must attend parents evening to learn about your child’s progress is quite sad to me. If you’re engaging with them, helping with homework and getting involved in their lives, then parents evening should just be a nice added extra you attend if you want to - it shouldn’t be something you’re relying on to learn about your child’s’ education and school life.

And if there are no concerns, well, then there’s no need to really attend parents evening anyway imo 🤷‍♀️

BluntPlumHam · 09/10/2025 21:43

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/10/2025 19:29

I dont get all the smug "If you dont go, you dont care" comments.

You dont get a badge for going, or told "You took ten minutes out of your whole year to show up and be told what you already knew, well done you!"

I genuinely don’t understand how shit the schools are these days or is it just parents not bothering to work with the schools anymore ? At mine it’s rare not to see two parents and it’s usually a two way interaction, in depth covering where DC are and where improvements if any can be made. We usually go with questions and concerns if any and teachers are very engaged and prepared. They know the children well and provide some valuable insight into what our DC is up
to for what is a significant period of time away from us.

ThatRealLemonCat · 09/10/2025 22:05

We've also always attended parents evening together to show DC we both equally value their education and support the school.

locals schools are more grateful by the support we give when we actively volunteer than when we both show up just for the sake of showing our face once a year 😂

sittingonabeach · 09/10/2025 22:08

@ThatRealLemonCat you can do both, I did.

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/10/2025 22:10

MaurineWayBack · 09/10/2025 20:54

The problem with the ‘taking it in turns’ idea is that he has already said the OP ‘is better at remembering anyway’

Chances are hed be going and then come out with ‘yes. Teacher said dc is fine’ with no question asked, no details etc….

And yes parents evenings are tedious.
But they’ve also been essential with my dcs. I’ve learnt one of them was really struggling (like being a year behind) at one of them. I could talk about issues such as who they were sat next to (teacher hadn’t realised - brand new teacher who then acted around it once aware) etc….

It’s not just about hearing ‘yes dc is doing well/struggling with xyz.’ And then moving on because there’s nothing new

The biggest issue here is that parents evening was the first you heard of your child being a whole year behind.

That isnt a parents evening thing imo. That should have been addressed by the school way sooner.

ThatRealLemonCat · 09/10/2025 22:12

BluntPlumHam · 09/10/2025 21:29

It’s not just showing your face. Some of us have good communication skills. It’s an opportunity to get feedback as to where your child is and where improvements can be made. If you go in, with a laissez faire attitude then you will be met with a similar attitude.

Serious and engaged parents are met with the same attitude. It’s a two way relationship and should be treated as a collaboration for the over all well being and achievement of the child.

I never said it’s the most important thing but attending parents evening together is certainly important.

Show quote history

again, I don't wait for parents teachers to know where my kids are at.
In some schools, the first parent/teacher is mid-year!

Serious and engaged parents are met with the same attitude. It’s a two way relationship and should be treated as a collaboration for the over all well being and achievement of the child.
that's easily seen throughout the entire year, nothing to do with a 10mn quick chit-chat between the child and his teacher.

It's pretty obvious which parents are engaged, and what is done throughout the year to improve their learning and and give them opportunities to go far beyond the small curriculum.

Some of us have good communication skills.
ok, well done you.

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/10/2025 22:14

Xmasbaby11 · 09/10/2025 20:58

In primary school, it was mostly just me who went as I did most of the school runs and had a rapport with the teacher, more familiar with the school system - I also work in education.

In secondary, actually, we both try to attend, because it's a real rush seeing so many teachers and we don't always have time to make decent notes. It's only one parents' evening a year and DD has ASD and struggles, we get little contact with school so try to attend any school meetings together whenever possible. Plus the kids can stay home alone now.

I think it depends on the precedent. If you both agreed you were going together, it does feel like he's chosen his friends.

You take actual notes?!

I have had kids in school since 1995 and my youngest is in y10, so have had had 30 years of it (yes yes, eldest born when I was 17, youngest I was 38 with others in between) and I can honestly say I have never seen anyone taking notes.

limescale · 09/10/2025 22:14

thisishowloween · 09/10/2025 21:32

@StormyPotatoes you don’t have to attend parents evenings to find those things out though. You can get in touch with their teacher at any point in the school year. You can speak to the pastoral team or the head of year. You can make an appointment to pop in after school or catch them in the playground, or send an email. When I was in school there was even a section in our homework diaries where teachers and parents could communicate each week.

This idea that you must attend parents evening to learn about your child’s progress is quite sad to me. If you’re engaging with them, helping with homework and getting involved in their lives, then parents evening should just be a nice added extra you attend if you want to - it shouldn’t be something you’re relying on to learn about your child’s’ education and school life.

And if there are no concerns, well, then there’s no need to really attend parents evening anyway imo 🤷‍♀️

Edited

I think you are describing Primary school. There is no 'catching in the playground' at Secondary.
Obviously with any sort of pastoral concern or an exceptional educational one parents are encouraged not to wait until parents evening, but mostly, for academic progress parents evening was certainly not 'a nice added extra',

Most of DS's (now year 12) Secondary parents evenings were virtual. I hadn't even met most of the teachers until year 10 when they resumed in-person ones.

I found the in-person parents evenings so beneficial.

ThatRealLemonCat · 09/10/2025 22:16

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/10/2025 22:10

The biggest issue here is that parents evening was the first you heard of your child being a whole year behind.

That isnt a parents evening thing imo. That should have been addressed by the school way sooner.

Show quote history

I don't get it at all.

Even if no-one has contacted you ,your child had not told you that they are behind and struggling, and you had somehow missed that they can't do basic homework, you can see their marks? You know in which set they have been put in? Or their reading band or whatever they have in the youngest years.

If one of my child wasn't in the top set of any subject, I wouldn't wait for parents teacher to arrange a proper meeting with that teacher to fix that immediately.

HOW could any child be a year behind without anyone noticing?

limescale · 09/10/2025 22:17

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/10/2025 22:14

You take actual notes?!

I have had kids in school since 1995 and my youngest is in y10, so have had had 30 years of it (yes yes, eldest born when I was 17, youngest I was 38 with others in between) and I can honestly say I have never seen anyone taking notes.

Show quote history

I took notes - recommendations that teachers made (books, 6th form taster day dates, exam boards, remind DS to look at something or other.
Or at least I did take a pen and scribbled a few things down on the booking sheet. It's not that odd.

limescale · 09/10/2025 22:20

SalonDesRefuses · 09/10/2025 21:17

Also, most parents I know keep up to date with teachers regularly. And if there are any issues you call the school or they call you.

What do you mean? At Primary? Surely not secondary, where a single teacher may have many, many students across different years. I rarely emailed a teacher at secondary, certainly not just to keep up to date.

thisishowloween · 09/10/2025 22:21

limescale · 09/10/2025 22:14

I think you are describing Primary school. There is no 'catching in the playground' at Secondary.
Obviously with any sort of pastoral concern or an exceptional educational one parents are encouraged not to wait until parents evening, but mostly, for academic progress parents evening was certainly not 'a nice added extra',

Most of DS's (now year 12) Secondary parents evenings were virtual. I hadn't even met most of the teachers until year 10 when they resumed in-person ones.

I found the in-person parents evenings so beneficial.

Show quote history

Well yes, the playground thing was primary, but in secondary you could also email teachers, ring or make arrangements to pop in if you wanted to.

It’s great some people find parents evening useful, it really is - but they could just say that without telling everyone else they don’t care about their kids or aren’t interested in education just because they don’t feel the same way.

limescale · 09/10/2025 22:24

thisishowloween · 09/10/2025 21:13

@StormyPotatoes but you don’t need to attend Parents Evening to know what’s going on or to show an interest - that’s the whole point I’m trying to make.

There are so many other ways of doing that, and if parents are engaged in other ways, then it won’t matter if they never attend Parents Evening. But if they don’t bother engaging in any other way then yes, they should probably spend ten minutes a year engaging with their kids school.

What do you mean by 'engaged in other ways'?

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/10/2025 22:25

ThatRealLemonCat · 09/10/2025 22:16

I don't get it at all.

Even if no-one has contacted you ,your child had not told you that they are behind and struggling, and you had somehow missed that they can't do basic homework, you can see their marks? You know in which set they have been put in? Or their reading band or whatever they have in the youngest years.

If one of my child wasn't in the top set of any subject, I wouldn't wait for parents teacher to arrange a proper meeting with that teacher to fix that immediately.

HOW could any child be a year behind without anyone noticing?

Show quote history

Well I was with you until the "if my child wasnt in the top set" bit. Not every child can be top, its fine to be average, you cant have a top set without middle and bottom ones too.

ThatRealLemonCat · 09/10/2025 22:30

PyongyangKipperbang · 09/10/2025 22:25

Well I was with you until the "if my child wasnt in the top set" bit. Not every child can be top, its fine to be average, you cant have a top set without middle and bottom ones too.

Show quote history

I have no opinion about other people, but there's no reason why my kids wouldn't be in the top sets. if they need help they have it, but they only thing asked of them is to do well at school and do a couple of sports of their choice.

If one of them needs to spend less time messing around with their friends and more time studying to catch up, so be it 😂

They know, so they do the minimum to stay where they should be. Sometimes they even do more than the bare minimum, which is always a bonus😂

brunettemic · 09/10/2025 22:33

Which school year is it? I’m not sure I found any of them any interest or use in primary until maybe year 6 at a push. As for secondary we’ve had year 7 and 8 so far and neither of them have told me anything I don’t already know.

thisishowloween · 09/10/2025 22:35

limescale · 09/10/2025 22:24

What do you mean by 'engaged in other ways'?

Show quote history

Helping with homework and reading, enabling them to be curious, teaching them things like languages, or about dinosaurs, or taking them to museums. Talking to them about their day, showing an interest in their friends and their projects, getting involved in their lives, letting them try activities, or new foods.

The 10 minutes spent at parents evening shouldn’t tell an engaged parent anything new, is my point. It’s a nice thing to attend if you want to but let’s not pretend it’s some life-changing event that mustn’t be missed.

Coatsoff42 · 09/10/2025 22:35

I’d be keeping this in my back pocket for a revenge drop out in return. Its very petty, but what’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.
Not something important like parents evening, but something I didn’t want to do. Drop out and have no qualms.

ThatRealLemonCat · 09/10/2025 22:39

thisishowloween · 09/10/2025 22:35

Helping with homework and reading, enabling them to be curious, teaching them things like languages, or about dinosaurs, or taking them to museums. Talking to them about their day, showing an interest in their friends and their projects, getting involved in their lives, letting them try activities, or new foods.

The 10 minutes spent at parents evening shouldn’t tell an engaged parent anything new, is my point. It’s a nice thing to attend if you want to but let’s not pretend it’s some life-changing event that mustn’t be missed.

Show quote history

absolutely

and you stick with this through secondary, it's exactly the same.
It sounds so counter-productive to put so much emphasis on parent-teachers, and think it's enough.

In primary, they have one teacher, and you see them a lot through the year anyway - more than either of you would like probably 😂

BluntPlumHam · 09/10/2025 22:41

ThatRealLemonCat · 09/10/2025 22:12

again, I don't wait for parents teachers to know where my kids are at.
In some schools, the first parent/teacher is mid-year!

Serious and engaged parents are met with the same attitude. It’s a two way relationship and should be treated as a collaboration for the over all well being and achievement of the child.
that's easily seen throughout the entire year, nothing to do with a 10mn quick chit-chat between the child and his teacher.

It's pretty obvious which parents are engaged, and what is done throughout the year to improve their learning and and give them opportunities to go far beyond the small curriculum.

Some of us have good communication skills.
ok, well done you.

Show quote history

That’s the thing, we do both and more. It’s a package not options based where you decided to engage when and if based on what you think is best for your child. It’s a collaboration. I have seen you relentlessly post on here and seem to be getting irate at people for saying both parents ideally should attend if they can because it is an important meeting. Why is that bothering you so much? It’s how it should be, both parents wanting to actively parent their child … surely anyone would commend that not be offended by it.

BluntPlumHam · 09/10/2025 22:50

ThatRealLemonCat · 09/10/2025 22:39

absolutely

and you stick with this through secondary, it's exactly the same.
It sounds so counter-productive to put so much emphasis on parent-teachers, and think it's enough.

In primary, they have one teacher, and you see them a lot through the year anyway - more than either of you would like probably 😂

Show quote history

You’re both missing the point entirely… the list of things thisisholoween has mentioned is everything that two engaged parents who would take parents evening serious would be doing anyway and if not more. It’s op’s partner and others who take a lazy attitude to attending parents evening that strike
me as the sort who are unlikely to do anything extra outside of school for their children’s enrichment.

thisishowloween · 09/10/2025 22:53

BluntPlumHam · 09/10/2025 22:50

You’re both missing the point entirely… the list of things thisisholoween has mentioned is everything that two engaged parents who would take parents evening serious would be doing anyway and if not more. It’s op’s partner and others who take a lazy attitude to attending parents evening that strike
me as the sort who are unlikely to do anything extra outside of school for their children’s enrichment.

Show quote history

You could be right, maybe he just doesn’t give a shit, in which case OP has way bigger problems to worry about than parents evening.

Or maybe he just doesn’t see the point in going to parents evening when his kid is happy, engaged with school and isn’t having any problems.

ThatRealLemonCat · 09/10/2025 23:08

BluntPlumHam · 09/10/2025 22:41

That’s the thing, we do both and more. It’s a package not options based where you decided to engage when and if based on what you think is best for your child. It’s a collaboration. I have seen you relentlessly post on here and seem to be getting irate at people for saying both parents ideally should attend if they can because it is an important meeting. Why is that bothering you so much? It’s how it should be, both parents wanting to actively parent their child … surely anyone would commend that not be offended by it.

Show quote history

why is it not possible to express an opinion without being "irate" or "offended"? I don't think the same as you, so I can only be furious/fuming/ horrified/ shocked?

Does it make it easier for you to disagree with someone if you think they are having a temper tantrum at the other hand? 😂

It's not bothering me enough to send me to school at every meeting, so it s' bothering me even less on here.

I know I am posting on here, but.. so are you?😂

SalonDesRefuses · 09/10/2025 23:12

limescale · 09/10/2025 22:20

What do you mean? At Primary? Surely not secondary, where a single teacher may have many, many students across different years. I rarely emailed a teacher at secondary, certainly not just to keep up to date.

Show quote history

Yeah, I was thinking about primary. My apologies.

My DC secondary school gives very comprehensive report cards just after parents evening. Again, you can contact a particular teacher directly at any time if you need to if there's an issue.

I don't know why people don't trust their partners to pass on info. It's not as if neither were there. Plus report cards detailing everything for each class.

Opal888 · 09/10/2025 23:12

If DW ever did this, there would be A Situation. I've been to plenty of parents eves solo, and she's taken her share solo, when it was unavoidable (work or the other kids), but not a last minute bail out. He should be worried about letting you/his kids down, not his mate. Makes me wonder how the emotional and mental labour is stacked in your house!