To be annoyed at bf spending on a game when we've got baby stuff to get?

[ChosenHenry]

Hi, I’m new here so not really sure how this works but just need to get this off my chest.

Me and bf live together with our baby who’s 11 months. He’s just got paid from his apprenticeship and the first thing he did was buy that new FC26 football game for £56. We actually ended up having a row about it because I feel like we don’t have the spare money for stuff like that right now.

Only last week we had to borrow from his dad to cover food and nappies, so I’m struggling to get my head around why he thought it was a good idea to spend £56 on a game. I know it’s his wages and he works hard, but it feels like I’m the one constantly thinking about what baby needs and he just wants to treat himself.

I don’t want to be controlling but it feels unfair. We still need to get baby’s winter coat and shoes for when he’s walking and now I’m stressing again about how we’re going to stretch things.

AIBU to be this annoyed? Or should I just let him enjoy it since he is the one working?

Not a smart decision to decide to have a baby with a 16yr old but what's done is done. You need to be smart about this OP for your child. No point being passive, and living off handouts because he is not capable of supporting his child.
Chances of this relationship lasting are slim so you need to be prepared and plan how you are going to be the role model your child deserves.
Finishing your education should be a priority and you can make that happen. You don't want to end up 'stuck' because you are unable to stand on your own two feet and support yourself and your child. Of course, he will have to contribute, as he should, but you'd be much better off figuring out how you can manage solo. I have no doubt you have the strength and ability, you just need to dig deep and find it

Honestly the “kids having kids” saying is ridiculous, baby is here now what am I supposed to do?? And yes, we did use contraception when he was conceived. It's not like we were careless.

Also posters seem to not realise all areas are different, my college didn't have a nursery, and no it isn't easy to find a job here, maybe you all live in big cities but we don't.

We can afford to feed baby, we borrowed for food for us and nappies for baby and again that was a one off, bf had been off sick which meant we were short. Usually we can manage. And I do realise I overreacted about the game. I was just annoyed in the moment because that £56 could've gone towards a new coat and shoes for baby and probably still have some left over.

Huh?! Do you even know what “misogyny” means? If you did, you certainly wouldn’t have made such a ridiculous comment in response to my post.

You are directing your question to op as if her partner isn't part of the equation. If you can't understand any of the many reasons why a young woman may become a younger mother then yes that's misogynistic and harmful.

It doesn't have to be a nursery, you could use a childminder with less children so less likely for him to get unwell.

What happens the next time he gets ill and you are short again?
Or what happens the next time he decides to be irresponsible and buy a game because he fancies it and doesn't think about his child?

@ChosenHenry I had DS when I was 19 (he’s now 12). DH and I both had some moments where we could have been more mature. We talked about it, agreed a way forward and moved on. Buying the game isn’t great and I would be annoyed too. Hopefully your boyfriend will see it wasn’t the best use of the money.

The best thing I did for myself (and our family) was getting my qualifications and going to uni. It was hard at the time but now I’m in a well paid professional job/ we own our own house etc. It can be done and you can succeed together as a family. Some people will be extra judgmental just because of your ages. Ignore them!

op I am 34 and would be annoyed if my partner spent money on a luxury item before necessities were taken care of, you’re not being unreasonable at all.

Unfortunately a lot of males mature at a slower rate to females so he probably hasn’t gotten to the point you have in terms of priorities etc. This is your opportunity to educate him on financial management and family priorities so that this doesn’t become a reoccurring thing in the future. Not that this is your responsibility, but it’s the situation you’re in and it will make your life better in the long run.

For what it’s worth, given the circumstances it sounds like you are managing really well. Most of the people on here would struggle to manage a household on a single apprenticeship salary. In the long run though, please do look at doing some online education or training at home whilst baby naps or something, you are very vulnerable should anything happen & you and your partner part ways. Not to mention if it’s hard to get a job now, it will be after a big gap in your CV.

Is your baby walking? If not I wouldn’t bother prioritising shoes. Just get a winter coat with feet in off Vinted or something!

edited to add - if you don’t already have a Monzo account, I’d recommend it. You can make pots on there and allocate your money at the start of the month. We do this to keep control of spending so we aren’t blindly just taking from the main household pot. We have pots for the following and once they’re empty; no more of those things until next pay day:
day’s out with the kids
coffees
parking charges
takeaways
food shopping
pet care
main joint account is for bills only

Have you enquired about access to food banks? Is this something you qualify for?

I dont know many people who went back full time at 9 months!! 1 or 2

@Wavescrashingonthebeach Many I know of did, especially if they needed to to pay the bills and support their families as is the case here.

You absolutely can work when your boyfriend is home. How do you think other people manage? Work evenings and weekends. Solved.

I am directing the question at the OP because she is the OP. By definition, she is the person answering questions because it’s her post. If her “child partner” was the OP I’d be asking him the same question. So your statement about misogyny is just a bit silly and irrelevant.

Ok, I think budgeting sounds like the first step. Also making sure you're getting everything you're entitled to, have you heard of healthy start? Money towards healthy food and milk for the baby.

There are more seasonal jobs going, e.g. I've seen Tesco advertising. I suggest you speak to a health professional about whether your baby is at a genuine additional risk of getting severely ill. You can get free hours of childcare. And UC will cover a lot too.

Op - maybe wait til spring to work but you could certainly put in some research and planning soon around college courses and jobs. Your partner is very young, as are you, so you both need to think about how you get the best quality of life and future for you all long term - not just who spends what on games right now. Good luck x

Maternity leave is only paid for 9 months, surely most people go back then, unless they are fortunate enough to have a more generous occupational maternity package. Mind you most of my female friends are well earning professionals, so their salaries added a lot to their household finances, so extended unpaid leave would have been unaffordable.

Op I'm so sorry you have so little support from family. You are in a very tough situation & have had to grow up fast. I can understand with a preemie you have not wanted to go out to work yet. You need to start thinking of a plan now for you & your baby’s security. Could you resume your college course at some point, next autumn maybe? Many have nurseries on site. Christmas jobs are usually advertised now, weekend shifts could work in the short term just to get a cash boost till Christmas?

Sell all your baby clothes/gear as baby grows out of it. Won’t make a lot but it’s some money to put away as emergency savings. Do online surveys while baby naps its only a £ or so per survey but adds up if you do several a day. Anything else you could do as a wee side hustle?Check if you can reduce your bills by switching energy/broadband/ mobile etc.

Lastly, my best friend & my sister had babies at 17 & 18. BF was a single mum from day 1, sister had a partner & went on to have another child with him at 22. It was incredibly hard for both when their kids were small but ultimately all was fine & they both have good careers now & their kids are grown up & doing well in life. You have chosen a harder path but you will still get on & succeed if you try. Wishing you luck x

There’s no way a 17 yr old apprentice is earning anywhere near enough to keep a family of 3! So it's not really about him getting more to spend on himself but them having more
money overall.

@AnneShirleyBlythe I agree. But then I don't think any father should have to "keep" his partner or children. As a mother it is equally my duty to provide for my child, not rely on someone else to do it for me.

I went back at 4mths - I work nights

im se and earned more in one night then a weeks of ma

so was the obvious thing to do

times are hard and everything is a cost so living off one wage and an apprentice one at that , just isn’t enough

being a sahm is a luxury at the moment

I agree with trying to better your self and online courses or some kind of qualification will help

They have a baby for goodness sake. She is contributing.

She is 'providing' she's providing child care, he wouldn't be able to work as an apprentice without that child care. However, I would so for overall quality of life it may be better to try and get something so not such a struggle..

@Goldenbear Won't she be entitled to a funded nursery place?

get a job

why are you having a baby with a 16 year old?

why are you having a baby when you cant afford too?

Honestly, he was wrong to buy a game as first priority - but, that’s an age thing. Boys don’t mature like girls (especially mothers) do.

Not excusing this, but it’s true. He’s likely going to need more time/cajoling to realise he’s not persona number uno now.

For this reason, you need to sure up your finances.

This might be very small steps initially.

What can you do, to do this?

• work out the house
• paid work in the house (even something ad hoc like prolific surveys, Shoppix receipt uploading)
• Collect loyalty rewards at shops
• sell babies old stuff to pay towards new
• Train online for a career you can start, once you’re more settled with baby being in childcare
• shop olio/yellow stickers/grow veg
• buy all things using cashback
• sell any ‘hard copy’ computer games BF has that he’s ‘completed’

are just some ways you can ease the pinch a bit.

ultimately though, baby comes first. So BF needs to get on board with that, or (especially if he’s costing you financial support from UC that is depriving baby) ship out.

🤗 🌺

I get UC and child benefit, things were tighter last week and he had to ask his dad because he was off sick a few weeks back so that left us short (not his fault obvs). Baby's coat is 3-6, he's small for his age and he's had it a while so he does need a new one soon.

Are you claiming everything you’re entitled to? For the Universal Credit, are you claiming the child and housing elements as well as the standad? You can use this calculator to work out what you’re entitled to. You’ll have to put your boyfriend’s age as being 18 for the calculator to work, but just to give a rough idea of what you’re entitled should be getting.

https://benefits-calculator.turn2us.org.uk

If either of you have health conditions you could also apply for PIP and the disability element. When you do go back to work, you should also qualify for the childcare element.

You should be coming out with at least £950 between Universal Credit and Child Benefit.