To be annoyed at bf spending on a game when we've got baby stuff to get?

[ChosenHenry]

Hi, I’m new here so not really sure how this works but just need to get this off my chest.

Me and bf live together with our baby who’s 11 months. He’s just got paid from his apprenticeship and the first thing he did was buy that new FC26 football game for £56. We actually ended up having a row about it because I feel like we don’t have the spare money for stuff like that right now.

Only last week we had to borrow from his dad to cover food and nappies, so I’m struggling to get my head around why he thought it was a good idea to spend £56 on a game. I know it’s his wages and he works hard, but it feels like I’m the one constantly thinking about what baby needs and he just wants to treat himself.

I don’t want to be controlling but it feels unfair. We still need to get baby’s winter coat and shoes for when he’s walking and now I’m stressing again about how we’re going to stretch things.

AIBU to be this annoyed? Or should I just let him enjoy it since he is the one working?

Father buys one entirely unnecessary item (I'm assuming OP would have mentioned if this was a pattern). Yes, he shouldn't have done it, but the whole budget (I say budget, I don't think they actually have one) is so precariously balanced that it is a major problem. Separately, and aside from this, they both need to be looking at ways to increase their income, which might well mean OP returning to work.

Me! I did, because I had a child to feed and bills to pay.

I dont know many people who went back full time at 9 months!! 1 or 2

I know loads who did, maternity stops being paid after 9 months, most people need the money, even if you only bring in a bit after childcare costs etc most people need that money.

I also had a preemie. Not all of them are “fine”.

Father buys one entirely unnecessary item a week after borrowing money for food. How many times do you allow that before it’s something you are angry about?

Useful comment.

What is she supposed to do now? Put it back until she’s ready?

Time to start looking for a job.

Relying on this boy and his dad is not viable.

It's sad but realistic to say that the relationship may well not last.

The sooner you find employment (maybe part time, working from home - consider the options) the sooner you'll have income, savings, pension, possibly career options. A future that isn't entirely dependent on an immature lad.

He spent £56 on a game because it’s his wages and he works hard, and he knows that you're the one who is going to constantly think about what baby needs, and he just wants to treat himself.

It's that simple. That's his priority, and will remain so. And you thinking that you're being controlling is all part of his plan. He'll call you that too, to your face, and mean it.

Honestly I'd leave, claim UC, get housed, and live a happy single parent life with support, upskill before child turns 3, and then go into some better paid work and probably be the sole, proud, provider for your child, who will witness this and admire you forever.

Or you could stay with him, gaslight yourself to exhaustion, end up a husk of your former self, broke, beaten down, with 3 kids and one extra adult one then wonder where your life went when you're 50.

I also had a preemie. Not all of them are “fine”.

Mine wasn't fine. She spent 6 weeks out of her first 3 months in intensive care, was fully ventilated for a week at one stage in there.

Yes, she had to go to childcare and i had to return to work, because life is not free. You can't live a life expecting other people/the state to fund your choices.

Of course they’re not but she doesn’t mention anything that would prevent her from working such as oxygen dependency etc.

And mine wasn’t fine in that she weighed 1lb 5 oz at birth and spent over 3 months in hospital. I still went back to work to support her.

Yes, and the first bleeding corner to cut is on manchild console games! This poor mother has a small baby who started life in NICU and I’m willing to bet she’s providing the bulk of the child care yet the first suggestion is to go back to work? Who’s going to care for baby then? Because dad will be playing Call of Duty.

OP, you are both very young, and with limited family support.

Download the MSE budget planner and go through it with your bf, and maybe include his dad as well if he is supportive, so that you can work out exactly how much money you need to live on. Your bf can see for himself then that there is no spare money for computer games.

It is a huge shock to both of you at such a young age, giving up what should be a few years of fun, to raise your own child. My initial thoughts before seeing his age, was that he needs to grow up and support his family, but the ages do affect things.

AIBU is not good for support, there are a lot of people on here who just snipe at OP no matter what the problem is. I would find another area on Mumsnet for support like Being A Parent, or even Relationships.

Edited to say - your relationship may or may not work out long term, but I do know a couple who were in a similar situation at 15 and 18, and they ended up married with 3 DC , a great home, both working, and still together over 20 years later.

@HappyNewTaxYear
He’s not a man child - he is 17, still legally a child.
He cares for the baby every Saturday so the op can have time for herself.

Her boyfriend, the father of her baby, is funding their choices.

What a shitty thing to say.

The person who I find incredibly inspiring as a parent was 17 when she became a mum. Her kids are grown and have turned into the smartest, kindest, most fun people I know.

To be fair he isn’t fully funding it on an apprentice wage. Good on him for trying to better himself but it’s not going to come close to covering the costs at this point. The OP is making a choice not to work for her own reasons but she has to accept her part in making finances so tight.

OP will be getting around £1000 depending on her housing costs that she is absolutely entitled to. She would not be expected to begin looking for workuntil her child is one or get work until her child is two. Her ability to work is hindered by childcare, the costs of which would likely result in her contributing the same as she does now to the pot.

You’ve got to grow up quickly when you’ve become a father. He wasn’t too careful about NOT becoming a father. Time to face the consequences the way us mothers always have to. No more gaming.

What happened to the Dad?

I'd also recommend you're on rock solid contraception that you control. Aonther pregnancy with this boy would be disastrous

He's too young. Too young for fatherhood, too young to settle down, and too young for you.

He's only legally a child until December. He is closer to 18 than 17.