To be annoyed at bf spending on a game when we've got baby stuff to get?

[ChosenHenry]

Hi, I’m new here so not really sure how this works but just need to get this off my chest.

Me and bf live together with our baby who’s 11 months. He’s just got paid from his apprenticeship and the first thing he did was buy that new FC26 football game for £56. We actually ended up having a row about it because I feel like we don’t have the spare money for stuff like that right now.

Only last week we had to borrow from his dad to cover food and nappies, so I’m struggling to get my head around why he thought it was a good idea to spend £56 on a game. I know it’s his wages and he works hard, but it feels like I’m the one constantly thinking about what baby needs and he just wants to treat himself.

I don’t want to be controlling but it feels unfair. We still need to get baby’s winter coat and shoes for when he’s walking and now I’m stressing again about how we’re going to stretch things.

AIBU to be this annoyed? Or should I just let him enjoy it since he is the one working?

Oh give over.

this is a pointless post, no one is going to support what the guy did but we can also understand why and how he did that - a combination of being young and financial misuse. He hasn’t done something so awful that deserves the bashing ffs.

equally OP is right to be annoyed but now what? are you going to leave him? To move on from this you get rightly pissed off then crack on what’s done is done. I never understand what the point is in encouraging more people to say stuff about a partner you’ll stay with anyway

my point is, he could’ve used the money in a different way but also what he’s done is not that shocking or unexpected considering their context as presented

So you don’t have any family support apart from the substantial support, both financial and emotional/practical of your BF’s dad and stepmom?! Please say you’re on contraception now, it’s free and very easy to come by nowadays!

Im sorry but its age old story. Teen parents - the women matures and the man doesn't.
You need to become self supported incase this all goes wrong. Get a job or go to college and get qualifications or do an apprenticeship yourself. The baby can go to childminder if your worried abut daycare.
You need to think how your going to support yourself and not reply on a 17 year old. His dad will soon ask you to leave if you split up

Why did you have a baby so young and when you weren’t financially secure?

"Doesn't appear to want to be a husband"? He's 17, he's not even legally allowed to get married!

You also have to have your own "treats" too.

That's what millions of parents up and down the country are doing though. Unfortunately it takes two incomes to raise a family these days (unless you have one higher earner). An apprenticeship wage is not going to cut it for a family of 3. Families are working opposite shifts, or using childcare, or working weekends to make ends meet. The op values 'time to herself' above providing for her family. Universal credit would cover most of the childcare bill in her situation.

I'd be resentful if I was earning all the money and my partner wasn't making any moves to get a job, and then couldn't spend any of that money on myself. They need a dual income or they'll be trapped in this poverty cycle. It's not really about the game, the game was just the tipping point.

Ouch.
“this baby has no hope”.

What an awful thing to say. It sounds like he has parents who love him and want to nurture him. A dad doing an apprenticeship to better himself. Living independently not at home with their parents.

So no-one gets any respite from anything. She's doing her best in a crap situtation, basically kids having kids.

Or we could value childcare and women's role in reproduction, stop promoting neo-liberal individualised consumerism and stop commodifiying even our own bodies.
Damned if I would have gone out to work all week-end and/or evenings, after looking after a baby all week, including broken nights. And I did not.
Anyway, OP has pointed out DP does not get home till after 6, she doesn't drive (yet) and the late buses are unreliable - all of these are negatives and a woman having to travel home late at night on unreliable public transport is unacceptable.

@Blondeshavemorefunyes, he gets a government trust fund when he's 18 (plus whatever is added) but I feel guilty that he said it's fine because he'll be getting it soon, instead of using it for the future.

To the posters suggesting a weekend job, how? It isn't that easy, there's not many jobs out there, bf was looking for a job when he was still at college and he couldn't find one, the few he did find and apply to he didn't hear anything back. I was similar before I did get a job. I also don't drive so it’d likely have to be a bus journey away but again working late means the busses are unreliable (and I'm not sure i’d be comfortable getting a bus that late anyway). It's not that I value time to myself its the fact that there's simply not many jobs out there. But also what we do works, and btw when I do have “time for myself” on a Saturday it's usually for the food shop and a lie in.

And yes, we only really have his dad but we've never asked him to babysit, we are spending Christmas with them and he and bf’s stepmum have offered to babysit on NYE for bf’s birthday but I'm still unsure, it's likely I stay with baby and bf goes out with his mates to celebrate. My mum has never met baby and he's 1 next month so that's likely not going to change, bf’s mum hasn't seen him since he was tiny. I also forgot to add that when we moved to his dads she reported us to social services, they have no concerns and there wasn't a case but after that I don't trust her with baby. She does message bf and usually blames me for being controlling and stopping him from seeing her (I don't, he's free to see her whenever he wants).

Get an agency job. Packing boxes in a warehouse, Amazon, Royal Mail, factories… they all use agency staff. No interviews, just induction and start work. You even pick your own shifts so there’s literally no excuse. You made the choice to be in this situation, you’ve got to figure it out.

I'm glad someone's said it... OP. You are doing your absolute best and need better support.

You are both quite young and that can be a struggle. I think if you are worried about your baby's health then you are not quite ready to go for the nursery option.. you said you were on maternity leave.. is there any chance you could do some work from home for your company for say two half days a week or at the weekend when your BF could look after your little one?

Can you get some advice from CAB to find out if there are any allowances you can claim for or ask them if there's any where that you could do work from home jobs, that you could maybe do in the evenings to earn a bit extra?

It may feel tough now, but your baby will soon get stronger and you will have fewer concerns, and when you are ready to return to work, it will really help to have the extra income. Use this time to try to find access to training or careers advice if you can. Your BF's dad sounds quite supportive and its nice that you all go to visit on a Sunday.. Things will get better as you both get more used to parenting.

OP you need to get a job, surely you can pick up some weekend shop/waitressing work? Especially in the run up to xmas. You've worked at Primark I'm quite sure they'll bite your hand off at a p/t employee who wants Saturday and Sunday shifts only.

You and your boyfriend are not caring for the baby effectively if you don't have money for nappies and a winter coat.

Your boyfriend was of course wrong to splurge on the game for himself in the circumstances, you're not unreasonable to be miffed. But you're being unreasonable by not getting work at the weekends. There's no need for childcare, your boyfriend can look after him. If you did 12-16 hours a week you will earn an additional 586 - 780 per month (min wage) that's well worth it even after your bus fare. And you'll have plenty of money for nappies and clothes and likely a bit to treat yourselves and baby (new toys etc).

Do that for 6 months and then get baby in childcare and get more hours.

OP - both of you should be working to support your child. I assume you are in receipt of benefits currently?

I remember when my oldest was a baby, a mars bar was a monthly treat when I got paid. Money honestly was so tight that every penny had to be accounted for and I couldn't afford things that weren't essential. I still consider £56 a lot now.

I’m sorry you have no family support. That must be hard but esp at your age

the only way things will improve is to get a job and earn more money into the household - which means a weekend job

Oh that fund. So will be around a thousand plus whatever his parents put in so the total isn’t going to last long sadly

17, fucking hell.

I would be pissed off too, otoh when your family is short of money borrowing for basics, you both need to be working.
Especially if he is an apprentice. Do you qualify for childcare.
Parents these days don't have the luxury or basics to survive on one low wage.
Baby shouldn't be waiting on basics like a winter wardrobe.

Sorry, I see you are 19 he is 17. Life will get easier.

The way you’re doing things obviously isn’t working. So you need to look at what can be done to improve the situation in the long term. It’s great that you do have the support of your partners Dad and Stepmum and maybe they can help out.

At this point I would be tempted to get baby into a nursery asap so you can get back to college and get some qualifications because moving forward that will make life easier for you AND set a good example to the baby as he grows up. It may mean very few treats for both of you in the next year or two but it is helping build a better foundation for moving forward. Many colleges have an onsite nursery which would be ideal.

If I were you I would go back to college and do an access course into a NHS job or similar eg access to nursing or access to healthcare
You'd get free nursery on the college grounds and can visit him between classes and the college day is not too long. I know it's RSV season but if you start to look now you can apply for Jan or April entry if possible.. much more favourable

Buy some Sambucol and everyone have some thru the winter to boost immune system.
Would you not get more benefits if you were single? Could you apply to be on housing register? One or two bed flats are always in stock on my local council - it's the houses people wait ten years for.

Tbh op i have a 17 year old. I can see why his dm wasn't happy I wouldn't either if an older girl got pregnant, he left college likely lost out on opportunities for just being a kid. Which is why i tell my son to be safe. He wouldn't have the maturity and capacity to be a dad which is evident here. You have little to no family support and decided to proceed with the pregnancy, as harsh as this may sound your relationship will likely not last. You need to be getting a job to support yourself.

You do know that not everywhere has these types of places, don't you? Not every town is the same 🙄

God there are some harsh responses on this thread.

You’ve got to think strategically, short and long term. Speak to your HV. Get advice about getting back to college and what support you can get. Maybe you do need a weekend or Saturday job too, and if it’s something that ties in with your college course, even better. You already have customer service experience which is great.

While it’s clearly vital that you both strive to earn what you need to support your child right now, it’s also vital that your own prospects suffer as little as possible, for your baby’s sake and your own. With BF doing an apprenticeship and you in college your prospects as a family could be really looking up in a few years’ time. You sound like a very responsible and loving mum. Good luck