To be annoyed at bf spending on a game when we've got baby stuff to get?

[ChosenHenry]

Hi, I’m new here so not really sure how this works but just need to get this off my chest.

Me and bf live together with our baby who’s 11 months. He’s just got paid from his apprenticeship and the first thing he did was buy that new FC26 football game for £56. We actually ended up having a row about it because I feel like we don’t have the spare money for stuff like that right now.

Only last week we had to borrow from his dad to cover food and nappies, so I’m struggling to get my head around why he thought it was a good idea to spend £56 on a game. I know it’s his wages and he works hard, but it feels like I’m the one constantly thinking about what baby needs and he just wants to treat himself.

I don’t want to be controlling but it feels unfair. We still need to get baby’s winter coat and shoes for when he’s walking and now I’m stressing again about how we’re going to stretch things.

AIBU to be this annoyed? Or should I just let him enjoy it since he is the one working?

OP what do you want from this thread?

I get what you’re saying but it’s really not worth the risk to go back to work yet. He was premature and still catches things easily, I’m not comfortable putting him in nursery while all the winter bugs are going around. It’s not about making excuses, I just want to keep him safe. I’ll look at work again when he’s a bit older and stronger.

He doesn’t have to go to nursery. His other parent can take care of him some evenings and weekends while you work.

This. Dad can parent whilst you work evenings and weekends

And how easy is that? Bf doesn't get home until 5:30/6 sometimes later because he has to get the train, when am I meant to work evenings? There also aren't any weekend “only” jobs, I also won't have any time to myself if I did magically find a weekend job. I have baby 5 days a week, all day. BF takes him on a Saturday so I have some time and I offer to do the same for bf on Sundays but he usually wants us all to go to his dads.

Didn't realise this place was so judgmental to new mums 🙄

I worked (along with many other parents) 6-12 three nights a week and all day Saturdays in a customer service centre, responding to calls and emails.

There are plenty of similar roles advertised in retail or hospitality this time of year.

You can’t complain about having no money if you choose not to work.

Do you not get maternity pay from your work or government maternity allowance? Did you save up your wages during pregnancy for months you might be short? Do you get child benefit?

If he works hard, he should spend a bit of money on himself every once in a while, just as you should. £56 is nothing.

If I was you I’d apologise for overreacting and suggest you sit down together to work out finances together.

Id also strongly suggest you start planning for life as a single parent.

Honestly OP your baby is better off in nursery with financially secure parents than at home with you struggling to find money for food, nappies, and a winter coat.

Plus you’re young, you presumably don’t have much (if any) work experience and will possibly be damaging your future career and security by not working.

How long have you been together?

£56 is nothing?!? We must live in different worlds…as another poster said, a £3 coffee as a treat is one thing, £56 could do most (or possibly all, depending on how skint you are) of a weekly food shop!!

round my way, and I accept this will differ regionally, this would be easy. Waitressing, bar work, babysitting etc all available in the evening.
it isn’t about judging you, it’s about helping you.

A few batshit answers here.

He shouldn't spend all that on a game if you're borrowing for nappies. As he is 17 and not 37, let's not be too harsh, but he will need to get his priorities straight quits fast. You're both very young and both need to grow up fast. You probably shouldn't rush into work at this very second because you have a young baby,but plan that in the next three months you've got a long term plan for yourself. How will you support your child if bf doesn't get it together? Are you going straight into work, or training? Have you got family support, or just his dad?

I didn't want to go back to work either but I had to to support my children. There are loads of weekend only/evening jobs. Many of us work shifts opposite to our partners to make ends meet and ensure our children have their basic needs met. We'd all love time to ourselves but that's an option many parents don't have.

No, he shouldn't have spent that money but equally you should be working and you had a baby with a child (as in he isn't legally an adult).

After RSV season it will be something else. Nurseries are germ pits.

Make sure the next coat is too big and roll up the sleeves to make it last. This time of year js when you typically get the NCT sales and can pick up a cheap second hand coat.

I think you both need to sit down, work out finances and look at what can be done to contribute more to the income in the house. I appreciate your baby was premature and you are worried about him but ultimately between the two of you, you can’t afford nappies so I think you need to be looking for a job. Then you can have an equal amount of spending money once the bills are paid and if you want to spend your spending money on the baby, that is up to you but your boyfriend can then spend his on a computer game.

You're in a low income family and your partner is working an apprenticeship to better your lives. You would get support towards childcare costs.
Get yourself a part time job and contribute to the household income.
Your partner is the only person bringing in an income, he should be allowed some treats and downtime. If you're struggling you both need to take responsibility for making yourselves more financially stable.
If he needs a winter coat get yourself on Facebook marketplace or vinted

It sounds very difficult for you both. It's great that his dad is supportive and caring.
I think you are right that sitting down together and doing a budget is a good idea - that will make you feel more secure in terms of what money is coming in and what your essential bills are. If you can, put money aside each month for the baby so that you can avoid having to borrow from his dad. As your boyfriend progresses through his apprenticeship hopefully he will get more money and that will make things a bit easier.
Can he sell games that he doesn't play any more?

This is ridiculous. They don't have the money to spend on a game for one person, they are borrowing for essentials. Are you a single man, by any chance?
Even if OP does manage to work, chances are childcare will completely use up all the extra money and they still won't have the cash to splash recklessly on treats for themselves. Parents need to sacrifice so their children don't go without, and they don't get to be livid about it.

I strongly suggest you also start an apprenticeship as soon as you can. You need to be able to support yourself. Without that you have no options.

no he should not have bought a game instead of nappies and a winter coat for his baby. But he is s child himself and is of course making childish decisions.

Your 17-year-old boyfriend is behaving like a 17-year-old boy. Yes, it’s irresponsible to spend £56 on a game when you’re on an apprentice wage and you have a baby. Of course it is. But it’s exactly what I’d expect a 17-year-old would behave. He isn’t emotionally mature or sensible enough to be a dad.

YANBU to be annoyed, and YANBU to tell him so. But YABU to be surprised that he’s behaving like this.

All I can suggest is that if you have a good relationship with his dad, have a chat with him (in the nicest and politest way possible, not in a ‘your son’s an arsehole’ type way) and explain that you’re a bit worried about your boyfriend’s spending and that you don’t seem to be able to make him understand that £56 on a game isn’t affordable to someone bringing up a baby on an apprentice’s wage. Maybe his dad could have a man to man chat with him about what it means to be a dad, and his child’s needs have to be the most important thing is his life if he’s going to be a decent father. His dad will be speaking from experience and your boyfriend might listen to him more than he listens to you, maybe?

I’m sorry you’re having to go through this. You’re obviously taking motherhood seriously and doing the best you can for your baby, and it must be hard to do that at 19. I hope your boyfriend can step up just like you clearly have - you deserve better support x

He shouldn't be spending on a game when your baby needs things. But also your baby has two parents to provide for them, it's not fair on your partner to be expected to support a whole family on an apprentice wage. Probably about time you thought about going back to work and brought some money in. Then maybe your bf can buy his game, and you can buy something for yourself too without so much financial worry.

Work out a budget!

Put down on paper what you have coming in, what you have going out.

Once you've got rent, bills, nappies, other day to day baby consumables (formula for example) sorted - then food for yourselves and household goods (washing powder, bog roll, toothpaste etc)...

Then look at what is left - that is what is left to buy the more irregular items - clothing for yourselves, clothing for the baby.

After THAT is done... then if there is anything left, that is what goes on games, takeaways, frivolities and fripperies.

Get his input on this - it is much easier to stick to a budget when you can see what needs paying, what is coming in, than to be sensible with money if you have no clue what needs to go out, whats come in.

I agree that noone can be spending on luxuries when you don't have the basics covered first. Especially when Christmas is round the corner if you celebrate it.

Op I think what you both need to do is sit down together and work out a budget. CAP are really good with this and also run programs including cooking on a tight budget etc which might be useful if you're looking at weaning too.

Speak to your health visitor about your fears around rsv and germs from nursery. They do get sick when they start. Usually every 2 weeks or so in the beginning with some type of cold or bug so if your child is vulnerable that's a valid concern, but it would be important to work out if that's a legitimate vulnerability or if you just want to be extra cautious because of how early he was and in reality would be grand. So talking to a professional about that would help better than anyone on here can advise as they know your baby.

I would also think about whether a few hours cash in hand would work for you. I know people who did a few hours in a local takeaway one night a week or a bit of cleaning etc. You say you have your baby every day apart from Saturday but his dad should also be able to look after him for a few hours during the week to give you a bit of down time if you need to work a few hours at the weekend. The reality is op that you and baby are in a much better position if you are working, especially if the relationship doesn't work out in future. Hopefully that won't be the case but it's always good to have control of your own security.

Have a look at how you can minimise your baby costs too, I barely bought ds anything brand new when he was that wee because he just grew out of it all so fast so I got a lot of his clothes etc on marketplace etc and just gave them a good wash. Now he's a bit older and is in his clothes for longer I don't mind getting him new things.

I think if you're in the situation where one of you is working and the other is doing the childcare then you're essentially working from a shared pot and it's not as simple as my money v your money. It's household money and there needs to be a set amount he's paying in to the bills, a set amount for savings and then a set amount for fun and whatever is left over is his. But that needs to be set out in advance. When you go back to work same rules apply though it'll naturally be easier to have money for luxuries and fun.

If I was his dad I'd be pissed that he couldn't provide nappies but could spend so much on a game.

Also op go to a citizens advice service together and make sure you are both getting all the financial support you're entitled to.

'i wouldn't have any time to myself' welcome to parenthood! My dp and I worked opposite shifts for nearly 10years to make sure our children were provided for. My friend took and evening job in a pub when her baby was small to make ends meet. It's what parents do. Plenty of weekend jobs going in the run up to Xmas. Smyths toys always look for evening seasonal shelf stackers too.

Your bf had a lapse in judgement but it's a huge responsibility to expect him to provide for you all.
People aren't being judgemental, they're being realistic, new parents often don't have the luxury of time to themselves.

“Your 17-year-old boyfriend is behaving like a 17-year-old boy. Yes, it’s irresponsible to spend £56 on a game when you’re on an apprentice wage and you have a baby. Of course it is. But it’s exactly what I’d expect a 17-year-old would behave. He isn’t emotionally mature or sensible enough to be a dad.”

This. Pointless asking why you’ve made this life choice. It’s too late. Just depressing that yet another child unnecessarily brought into poverty and these circumstances. Hope you are using contraception and both looking at what kind of outcomes you want for your child’s future.

It can be incredibly judgemental on here.
Your boyfriend is only 17. Hes extremely immature. So his behaviour is normal but frustrating. Its done now, hes got his game, but going forward just work something out between you to better manage money.
I hope you get some kind, sympathetic and constructive replies on here.
And no you are not unreasonable to not want to put your baby in nursery this early.