To be annoyed at bf spending on a game when we've got baby stuff to get?

[ChosenHenry]

Hi, I’m new here so not really sure how this works but just need to get this off my chest.

Me and bf live together with our baby who’s 11 months. He’s just got paid from his apprenticeship and the first thing he did was buy that new FC26 football game for £56. We actually ended up having a row about it because I feel like we don’t have the spare money for stuff like that right now.

Only last week we had to borrow from his dad to cover food and nappies, so I’m struggling to get my head around why he thought it was a good idea to spend £56 on a game. I know it’s his wages and he works hard, but it feels like I’m the one constantly thinking about what baby needs and he just wants to treat himself.

I don’t want to be controlling but it feels unfair. We still need to get baby’s winter coat and shoes for when he’s walking and now I’m stressing again about how we’re going to stretch things.

AIBU to be this annoyed? Or should I just let him enjoy it since he is the one working?

Come on, it’s Sept/Oct, every football fan who plays FIFA looks forward to playing the new season game. Life is too short, live a little you are teenagers! It’s not ideal but god

He is legally still a child. That isn't opinion, that's fact. I'd say the op were legally a child too if she was 17.

OP is caring for their baby whist he works, that is a contribution! In what world is it okay for a father to spend £56 on a game when his baby needs things. Some people just love to have a dig even when it's very clear that the OP is right.

I think it's extremely likely that op will end up going it alone.

£56 is nothing? Maybe to a privileged person but not to someone who couldn't afford nappies and a suitable coat for their child. That £56 would cover a months nappies and a new coat.

Things are tough right now OP and I understand why you're upset with your BF. It was not a mature thing to do.

Sit down and discuss a budget.

I'd suggest you buy baby's clothes second hand not new. That can save a lot. Most babies grow out of things rather than wear them out so you can get good quality items for very little.

I would also look around for childminders rather than nursery as that might suit your DC better. The advice to speak to your doctor or HV about illness and child care is a good one. If you could work weekends or nights in the lead up to christmas then that could also delay you returning to work and DC needing to go into childcare. It might be worth it in the long run? Even offering ad hoc babysitting to get some savings behind you.

Ask your HV about free or very cheap baby groups. Just as its important for your BF to have a game to entertain himself, it's important that you have some friends. Wishing you all the best

You've been through a lot and you’re both very young. This is hard for both of you and he’s still a child. But, you’ve got a baby now, you made the decision to bring him into this world, and you both need to step up and make sure he has a decent future. Most of us don’t want to work and put there baby in nursery, we do it because working provides that future and puts food on the table and clothes for your child. Lots of us also don’t have any family support for childcare. Your baby is 11 months and you’re worried about the winter season, fine, take winter and use the time to make a proper plan, what jobs can you do and what do you want to do. Start looking into childcare places now as there’s often waiting lists, look at childminders too as nurseries are not the only option. Look into the government funding, if you are working youll get funded hours and also tax free childcare which brings down the cost. If you’re on UC you can get a big chunk paid for.

Totally agree. The privilege I read on this site is shocking sometimes.

people saying why not just get a job. Yes try but it is brutal out there for jobs with so many applicants going for every job.

He shouldn’t have sent £56 on a game. One because of the money but two these games are addictive so is he going to be playing this all night while you look after baby?

I wish you luck and hope your BF can grow up. It’s going to be hard as he is so young

Did you see she worked till the baby was born, pretty near? And she's doing the childcare?

I was originally going to comment to say this is what happens when you have a baby with a child...then saw he actually is a child - 17yrs old 😑

He sadly has chosen not to step up to the mark after becoming a father. Instead of growing up pretty damn quick, he's stayed a selfish child. What's done is done of course, you are absolutely right to be annoyed at him - I'd be LIVID.

He's shown you cannot rely on him.

I strongly disagree with the comments of you going back to work now. You are right to not risk your baby's health at this time of year. MN have some weird obsession with pressuring mothers on maternity leave to go back to work early. It's not in the best interests of the baby at all. You are doing the right thing there.

The baby shouldn't have to suffer with it's primary carer leaving it to go out to work because baby's father is too damned selfish to buy it some nappies.

You need a sit down chat with your BF, (not that you should have to) but explain to him the responsibilities he has now, and ask him if he is going to step up. If he's not prepared to, you will need some form of alternative plan in place.

This thread wants to make me weep in about a dozen different ways. The young mother is 17? 18? And presumably has had to put her education on hold or give up on it entirely (hope you at least got a few GCSE passes, my love).. The boyfriend (who doesn't appear to want to be a husband or even a "partner") is clueless about what it is really like to be a parent. The mother's own mum has gone no-contact. The boyfriend is buying toys for himself when they are living on a shoestring and idiots are criticizing her for asking him to step up and behave like an adult!
But I have to ask--why do people insist on throwing away their youth and perhaps all kinds of future opportunities by having babies before they themselves are really adults?

She could go back to work though, I went back when my son was 10 months because oh yeah, you have to earn money to pay for the child you chose to have!

Live a little? They can't afford a coat or nappies for their baby, yet you are advocating for the boy to spend £56 of his probably very low wages on a fucking game? Jeez.

@Vaguelyclassical people are suggesting they BOTH step up not just the dad. Why should he be the only one providing for the family when she is quite capable. She's making every excuse not to work. But unfortunately when you have a child you have step into the real world and if you are struggling financially you work, just like the millions of other parents.

It would be putting her baby at risk to put it in childcare during this season with all the bugs and virus' that go around. Baby was born at 31 weeks! This is very different to a baby being born at full-term. OP is right to put her baby first. BF should be stepping up.

I doubt she does. Did you miss the part about borrowing money for nappies? Did you read she is already worrying about babies winter coat and shoes ?
Doesn’t sound. Like op was spending on herself she is the sensible one .

She has mentioned multiple times that the baby is very young and was in NICU and is still fragile; it is quite reasonable to me that she wants a few more weeks to get him sturdy. (On other threads Mumsnetters have defended Stay at Home mothers who don't want to leave very small babes.) And we know nothing about what she's qualified to do, whether she lives in an area with loads of jobs or is in a rural area (bf has long train commute), whether she can earn the kind of money that would add meaningfully to family income if childcare is already an issue. I am not leaping to the conclusion that she is a shirker.

@Vaguelyclassical and how many mums of premature baby's work? Plenty. They do because they have to provide. If she doesn't want nursery look at a childminder. They'd get support with childcare fees. There are no excuses for her not to work. Her boyfriend is 17 and doing what he can (minus the game) she needs to play a part too.
If she doesn't like want to use childcare then evening or weekend work is the answer. There are always ways if you want them. OP just doesn't want them.
I'm supporting parents at the moment who are 17 and 18 and both work around each other. I'd admire them so much for it. Theyre an inspiration..

She is contributing financially. She's parenting a baby and running the household. How dare you suggest that a mother looking after home and children is not contributing to the bloody budget - she is contributing hugely, or do you think unpaid work in the home has no value? She's working hard and he thinks it's ok to borrow from his dad for nappies and food and to spend £56 on an unnecessary game as if he's a little boy with no responsibilities. He's a toerag and needs telling so - and the game should go back.
If I were her I'd get a full time job and make sure useless DP pays half the nursery fees or staya at home himself with the baby. (though I am not sure I would trust him with that job!).
The suggestion you make of OP working evenings/weekend is an enmiseration - it means she never gets time off from childcare or work - and nor does her P (who doesn't sound trustworthy, anyway). Not worth it. Do a proper budget.

trust fund @ChosenHenry. ?

She is contributing financially; she is providing the childcare. That is contributing. How dare you say it isn’t.

And he is spending money they do not have. Of course he should be told to grow up.

Sounds miserable to be working different shifts so you hardly see each other.

I was at college and working at primark before baby, I didn't finish it and left college much earlier than planned (I planned to do until Christmas). Again, I can't work evenings, bf doesn't get home until 6 sometimes later and busses around here are unreliable by 11/midnight whenever id finish. I don't drive, I have passed my theory though just haven't taken my actual test. And again, I don't feel comfortable putting him into childcare this time of year. Ideally not until he's walking or crawling at least.

All baby's clothes are from vinted and a lot of his things, I used all my birthday money and wages to buy things like a pram etc.

@ChosenHenry not sure if you've seen, but sent you a message. You should be able to see it in notifications

Get a weekend job then