To be annoyed at bf spending on a game when we've got baby stuff to get?

[ChosenHenry]

Hi, I’m new here so not really sure how this works but just need to get this off my chest.

Me and bf live together with our baby who’s 11 months. He’s just got paid from his apprenticeship and the first thing he did was buy that new FC26 football game for £56. We actually ended up having a row about it because I feel like we don’t have the spare money for stuff like that right now.

Only last week we had to borrow from his dad to cover food and nappies, so I’m struggling to get my head around why he thought it was a good idea to spend £56 on a game. I know it’s his wages and he works hard, but it feels like I’m the one constantly thinking about what baby needs and he just wants to treat himself.

I don’t want to be controlling but it feels unfair. We still need to get baby’s winter coat and shoes for when he’s walking and now I’m stressing again about how we’re going to stretch things.

AIBU to be this annoyed? Or should I just let him enjoy it since he is the one working?

I think people are bringing quite harsh, you e been through a tough time with a prem baby and you are both very young, particularly your boyfriend.
He shouldn’t have bought the game, I agree with that.
I do think looking at some evening work is an option for you, or weekends. Hospitality is an option.
Or you could think about doing what I did, I trained as a childminder so I was able to be at home with my children but earn money alongside.

@ChosenHenry have sent you a PM

People saying “He deserves treats, it’s his wages” seem to be forgetting that he is the father of a baby and responsible for him. Everyone deserves treats, but the fact is that no parent needs a treat more than their child needs food and nappies and £56 is a bloody big ‘treat’ for someone who has to borrow money for the weekly shop.

His son is just 11 months old and was two months premature and telling the OP to ‘go back to work’ isn’t especially realistic when she would be unlikely at 19 to earn enough to have more than peanuts left over after nursery fees. The earning power of two teenagers is very limited and posters are being very naive about what’s realistic for them.

The affluent, middle-class, middle-aged demographic of Mumsnet really shows its true colours on threads like this. The OP is 19 and sounds like a good mum; give the poor girl a break.

I also won't have any time to myself

You either do what adult parents do and get an income to support your baby or else your partner, who is still a child himself, is going to be the only one earning money and understandably want to spend some of on himself.

I’d be annoyed if my partner wasn’t bothering to contribute when we needed more money and, as a result, was expecting me to go without because my money alone wasn’t enough.

What a nasty thing to say. How the fuck is that comment helping the OP or her son? She needs support, not judgement.

So he was 16 when baby was conceived and prob at school - guessing baby wasn’t planned /you haven’t been together long

you both need to grow up a bit. You are struggling paying bills , food , clothes , nappies and both ideally need to work but your reason for not working weekends is that you won’t have any time to yourself

welcome to parenthood.

What about every evening once baby is asleep. That’s time to yourself

I get being prem and worried about catching stuff but babies need to build up their immune system

a cm is probably than a nursery illness wise

you need money so whether you work evenings or weekends in a pub / waitress / care home /stacking shelves at a supermarket /macdonalds etc

when am I meant to work evenings?
Yes
There also aren't any weekend “only” jobs
Shops take on weekend staff, I’m sure pubs, restaurants, cafes etc will also have weekend staff
I also won't have any time to myself if I did magically find a weekend job
You’re a parent now, time to yourself every week unfortunately isn’t a given. It’s nice that at the moment your bf can give you time on a Saturday but in reality you need to prioritise your financial situation over you time.
Didn't realise this place was so judgmental to new mums 🙄
I don’t think people are judging by suggesting getting a job to you, they’re probably trying to help, you need more money so the obvious solution is to go to work. You can work around your bf if you don’t want to put baby in nursery yet. Plenty of parents have to do that

This. Start planning for yourself. Don't trust your boyfriend to take care if you and your child.
He might grow up right now is he acting like a spoilt teenager but I would still plan a future for myself and kid ahead.

Nobody is judging you. You’re just surrounded here by mums who have also had to go back to work.

I went back when my baby was 7 months old, as did my colleague who had a baby at the same time. My mum had 2 kids and went back to work when we were both 4 months old. Not simply because we all wanted to, but because it made sense for our family’s financial security.

Of course we’d like to avoid our kids being in nursery or at a childminder in winter and catching everything. But we can’t because we’d have lost our jobs or be scraping by like you. Which is miserable and a recipe for sadness and resentment.

Do people not realise that even when the OP goes back to work, this couple is still not going to have £56 spare to spend on gaming? Even if she starts to bring in some money, her boyfriend is still going to need to learn to put his son’s needs before his own treats.

How can you possibly possibly think she is not contributing.

He’s not even old enough to buy alcohol so to say he’s acting like a teenager is to be expected and teenagers by definition are typically spoilt because they are immature!

He’s a child so of course he is going to. This is the sad reality of teenage pregnancies especially when the father is a couple of years younger.

Your bf is the same age as my youngest ds and I couldn't contemplate the idea of him having a baby. My ds is in no way mature enough and your bf doesn't sound like he is either, which is unsurprising when he became a father at 16 years old.
Of course it makes no sense to buy a game for over £50 when baby needs a new coat and your borrowing money for nappies etc.
What is the housing situation ? Do you not have any other income at all- universal credit ? Maternity pay? Child benefit? Is it literally an apprenticeship wage and that's it. That wont go far at all. I agree with others that weekend work will solve the issue as you won't need to use a nursery.
It is rubbish to be working full time and have no money for any of your own 'wants' at all. You will become very resentful of each other if money remains so tight . Its something you need to solve together and will need some give and take.

Can you ask your doctor on their views on when it would be safe for your baby to go to nursery? There is going to be stuff to catch there all year round, and not sure that winter is worse than any other time. Otherwise agree with the other posters look for weekend work.whilst your boyfriend looks after the baby.

Sorry OP didn't mention his age before later on.
OP har to make plans for her life. She can't rely on a 17 yo boyfriend wasting money.

Yes, I know he's likely to get sick in nursery any time of the year but i’d rather not risk it. He had to stay in for 5 nights back in Jan, just 3 weeks after wed brought him home. He had oxygen and i’d rather he or us not have to go through that again.

We don't have any support apart from his dad and stepmum no. My mum tried to force me into having an abortion then when I wouldn't she kicked me out, she's never met him.

Then there's bf’s mum, she never took the news of the pregnancy well and I do sort of get why, if baby tells me he got his girlfriend pregnant at 16 I would be shocked but I hope I'll be supportive too. But she blamed me for it all, she would talk about bf’s wants and feelings when he was right there telling her he didn't feel that way. She blamed me for him not wanting to go to uni, he said he never planned to go anyway.

Then when I was in labour, it was just me and her as bf was at college and she told me the whole time I was overreacting. I needed an emergency csection and baby could've died. She then somehow expected bf to go to college in the days after he was born when he even told her that he wouldn't have been able to focus.

And then baby came home December 27th, bf’s birthday is December 31st so he was only home for 4 days and we were getting used to it. And she blamed me for ruining his birthday, it wasn't ruined he just didn't want to do any big celebrations. He did eventually drop out of college and she blamed me for this also. Anyway, I'm sure I'll be judged for some of what I've written, there's more to this but this post is long enough. Maybe I'll do it in another post and add more of what I was going to say/answer questions

Did you groom him? Surely he was only 16 when baby was born and you'd have been 18.... :S

I think you made a mistake posting in AIBU rather than parenting hence some of the responses you've had. Unfortunately you are both very young and will make the usual teenage mistakes but with a baby thrown in as well. I think you need to see what benefits and the like you are entitled to in your current situation. I get why you don't want to work but it is a way out. However in the meantime could you not have a side hussle? It wouldn't make much but it would be enough so that you can squirrel it away for the basics. I had some success at selling old baby clothes on Vinted, cashback sites and online surveys. Whilst it was never very much it helped somewhat to buy the next size clothing. Your biggest issue is getting it into your partners head about paying out the essentials before the wants.

Your boyfriend is 17, and is behaving like a typical 17 year old, in spending £56 on a game for himself. Yes, he's irresponsible but equally he's immature, a little selfish and doesn't think. You've had to grow up because you've been growing a little life inside you. You need to sit down with your boyfriend, and work out a budget. He can't spend money on games, when he's borrowing money from his Dad for essentials like nappies. Yes, it's hard having to go without, but that's part of being a parent - putting your child's needs before your own wants. He may have wanted the game but it wasn't a necessity, it was a luxury that can't be afforded. I understand you are reluctant to put your baby into nursery due to being born premature. It's natural to worry. If your boyfriend is coming home at 5.30-6 pm in the evening, you could find a role in the evening. My Mum used to work in a pub, in the evenings to bring in extra money, and my Dad used to get home at a similar time. It might mean finding a role 3-4 nights per week 7-11 pm or something similar. Make sure you are claiming all the benefits you are entitled too. I know it's hard when money is tight, I have been there, so I do sympathise.

Wow seriously? She’s taking care of their baby and he’s buying an expensive video game while they are struggling for essentials. How is that ok? You sound like a silly teenage boy.

Oh my goodness @ChosenHenry some of these comments! Awful.As you mentioned, your boyfriend is going to be 18 in December and you’re only 19 yourself, that’s so ridiculous to say to you, you had a baby with a child!
Would that person, be saying that, if you were 18 in December and your boyfriend was 19, you being a child…no of course not.
I don’t think you’re being, unreasonable at all op, it’s ok to just get things off your chest, hear others constructive advice/views, not judgements.

I also wondered this. What were you thinking OP?!

We moved to his dad’s at the start of Feb and his mum blamed me for this too for “taking” him away, his dad then helped us with a deposit and we now live alone in our flat and he has an apprenticeship. I don't have many friends now either, they sort of drifted away when I had baby. We've never expected anyone to babysit (and no one ever has) or for money, yes his dad helped with the deposit but we didn't ask. And last week was the first and hopefully only time we've needed to for food.

I get UC and child benefit, things were tighter last week and he had to ask his dad because he was off sick a few weeks back so that left us short (not his fault obvs). Baby's coat is 3-6, he's small for his age and he's had it a while so he does need a new one soon.

He says that it doesn't matter because he'll get the trust fund soon but then I feel guilty that it'll go on us now and not towards the future.

Yes baby was unplanned, we've been together nearly 2 years and no of course I didn't groom bf. We were 16 and 17 when baby was conceived. I turned 19 last month, I'm only a little over a year older.

Your biggest issue is getting it into your partners head about paying out the essentials before the wants.

Yes. This is essential OP.

You're both VERY young to become parents but with that comes responsibility to the new life you've created.

If he is more interested in buying an expensive "crap" toy - he'll be on it while he should be parenting - I'd be going it alone.

Take it from me, hard, but easier than having a proverbial "anchor round your feet".

People will rally around. I'm still friends with mums from 30-plus years ago.

I'm 70 and have been around the block and the world

Wishing you strength and all the best OP.