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Original poster

If you worked 3 days but earned more than DH, would you do housework on your days off?

524 replies

namechange0998776554799000 · 09/10/2025 11:23

Just that really. Our situation is much more complicated, but in a nutshell I work 3 days a week, school hours & term time only, but still earn slightly more than DH who works full time. I'd say we share most housework roughly equally at the weekends and evenings, I do more cooking as he gets home late but he cleans the kitchen. I do more childcare but he does school runs.

My question is whether he should be peeved if I spend my two days off a week watching Netflix/getting a haircut/meeting friends, rather than cleaning the bathroom (as I just started to, which prompted this thread). Personally I feel like since we earn equally, I should do what I like on my days off and not feel guilty about it. Actually I feel like it's kudos to me for being in this situation 🤷‍♀️

DH hasn't actually expressed anything on the matter (yet).

I will still clean the bathroom, because it needs it, but I don't plan to feel bad about watching the traitors afterwards.

OP posts:
whatwouldafeministdo · 09/10/2025 13:01

Frankly though, if this is the way a partner is thinking, then there are bigger issues in the marriage than who does the housework and when.

Psychologymam · 09/10/2025 13:02

Woodwalk · 09/10/2025 12:53

I doubt this is your situation given it's term time only but I think equal WORK is fair which may not equate to time.

For example if I worked 5 days (as I do) working in hospitality (which I do) and my partner worked only 3 days doing the same, I'd expect him to do more at home.

However if my partner worked only 3 days BUT the 3 days he did work he was a top surgeon working 10 hours of open surgery high stress, high precision, highest stakes possible then actually - he can relax on his 'extra' days off.

Not all hours at work are equal. A 3 day a week surgeon probably requires much more down time than me. A laborer probably requires a lot more relaxation time than a receptionist, even if they work the exact same hours.

The example of medicine often comes up and makes me smile - while I always did night time waking with kids when DH had procedures the next day, he definitely pulls his weight and we have equal down time regardless of perception of our jobs so I don’t think it’s a get out of jail card!

User37482 · 09/10/2025 13:02

I would do chores on the days off, I would expect the same from DH. It’s not about how much money you bring in it’s also about equal downtime and clearing time for family time on the weekends. Everyone pitches in equally, I’d be really disappointed if DH was at home but left the cleaning for the weekends and evenings when we could be getting some quality time together

Original poster
namechange0998776554799000 · 09/10/2025 13:03

I do also cook 3 meals every evening (each child will only eat a few -different - things) and deal with many complex child-related issues. Plus I'm still trying to recover my health post cancer, which means life is often overwhelming and down time is very much needed. That doesn't mean I can't spare an hour to clean the bathroom though, I just hate doing it.

OP posts:
opencecilgee · 09/10/2025 13:04

Hmm similar situation for me

i pick up the lions share of household chores and childcare

its pissing me off. I pay a cleaner because i know it would fall to me otherwise

Purplecatshopaholic · 09/10/2025 13:04

namechange0998776554799000 · 09/10/2025 12:37

Because when one of us had to give up work, I wanted it to be him. I'd put a lot of effort into my career, had a full time permanent role earning a lot more than him and I didn't want to give it all away. There were other practical reasons too, e.g. I don't drive so can't do school runs, his job was not secure and badly paid. On paper, it made me no sense for me to be the one to give up work. But he refused, I gave up my career and will never regain what I had before.

Show quote history

I actually think this is at the heart of it op. It’s not really about housework, you resent your DH for this decision (I absolutely would too btw). I think you two maybe need to discuss your marriage in wider terms than just who does what housework.

indoorplantqueen · 09/10/2025 13:04

Same situation with me. Work 3 days TTO and then do private work as and when I want on the other two. I earn more than dh though he’s still a higher rate tax payer. I made particular sacrifices in my early career and studied a lot more ((Doctorate level) to get the career I want. Dh has been less motivated to study though he does alright.
I do probably a bit more but I do spend my time off seeing friends, watching tv or walking the dog, in between school runs. I think it’s about balance. I like to sit down with dh at 6/7pm after dinner and chill, so I do do a bit more at home and all the cooking.

SleeplessInWherever · 09/10/2025 13:05

namechange0998776554799000 · 09/10/2025 12:59

A lot of people saying to do the housework during the week so that the weekends are free. If I don't do it, it doesn't get done. In 40 years DH has never cleaned the bathroom and he would never even contemplate hoovering/dusting/tidying if I didn't make him. So on the weeks where I don't clean, that doesn't take away from the weekends - the house just stays dirty.

This is a very recent thing as I've rarely had child free days off before. When I was a SAHM I did all the housework, during the holidays I do it all, and just this week I've had two free days and had to weigh housework vs leisure time. When I was working full time/looking after children full time, I did it at weekends or in the evenings.

This is not to say DH does nothing - he cleans the kitchen, he just doesn't 'see' a dirty bathroom/floors/surfaces

Also, I take everyone's point about earning not coming into it. I suppose my thinking was that all the times I wasn't working, I did the housework without question because DH's contribution was working to support us. Now that we both earn, it feels different - I.e. I do the housework, the childcare, and also bring in more of the money? Today was the first day I questioned it. Still, I hear what people are saying about not making things so transactional.

Would it help to frame it that those 2 days per week, you’re still a SAHP?

3 days at work and the other 2 in your original role of SAMH, while your husband is still doing the same 5 days?

SpudsAndCarrots · 09/10/2025 13:06

Surely in this situation it would make more sense for you to work 5 days, DH to work 3 days and him do the cleaning. That way you both have the same amount of free time, you don't have to clean and you'll have more money.

MummyJ36 · 09/10/2025 13:06

I think you need to be willing to sit down with your DH and explain your resentment over having to give up work all of those years ago. Yes it is easy to “move on” but resentment never truly goes away unless you confront it. I suspect a lot of the issues going on here a related to that and what you felt you had to sacrifice all those years ago when your DH put you in an impossible situation.

allmymonkeys · 09/10/2025 13:07

DH hasn't said anything about feeling peeved because you're using free time to relax and enjoy yourself after you've completed any housework you yourself want to get done.

Um.

What's the question again???

I don't actually have a partner. But in principle I would base housework decisions on whether or not I cared about the task and not relative incomes (or even whose turn it was, or not necessarily).

Is DH struggling at work? Is there any particular sensitivity around this whole topic? If you know there is, don't tread on his corns of course but otherwise surely you can manage your time as you please. Why the shadow of guilt about it?

AgnesX · 09/10/2025 13:09

It's not really about salary is it, it's more about other effort?

As a team you both should put effort in as well so cleaning the bathroom if it needs done shouldn't be beyond you.

OchreRaven · 09/10/2025 13:10

@namechange0998776554799000 just put a good podcast or audio book in while you clean. Then when you relax you don’t feel guilty and also you feel like you’ve still had ‘me time’ while cleaning

Original poster
namechange0998776554799000 · 09/10/2025 13:10

bumblingbovine49 · 09/10/2025 13:01

Maybe because her husband could have sacrificed his long term job prospects and career instead of the op, who currently earns as much as her DH in 3 days a week as he does in 5 days a week. Maybe there is a good reason for the op to dot his and not the DH, but I'd be resentful about that too, whether it is reasonable or not.

Op please don't listen to the vast majority of people on this thread. Most of them have no idea of the pressures of SEN children where their needs affect your ability to work over the years. I can understand that this constant changing for hours to meet your child(ren)'s needs is not available in every job so you may be grateful for that but there is no getting away from the fact that using that flexibility constantly will affect your long term career options.

I would suggest that fairer way to deal with this is for you to work 4 days and your husband to do the same, though I appreciate that may not be possible with your husband's job. In any case I would say try to do some house based stuff ro
for half a day at least each week and then take it week by week as to how much energy you have to spend and what time you need to rest and recover

You are allowed to be tired, worried and a bit resentful though I know you will feel a bit guilty about some of these feelings. The key thing here is what your husband thinks - not a load of strangers on MN.

If you need some help coping with the guilt of taking time for you on your days off - I am now 60 years old and still work 4 days a week (used to be 3), 2-3 of them at home to have flexibility to help my now adult SEN son when he needs it.

I can tell you that I have over the year often spent at least one of my days off in bed, sleeping or reading for half the day and doing whatever I feel like and very littel housewor (subject to things like feeding DS and school runs etc when he was younger of course) DH has never minded this at all, he completely gets it and in fact has helped me deal with my early feelings of guilt about this when DS was young. This is part of the reason why our marriage has survived , despite the very real stress of having a child with severe behavioural issues, now adult who is looking more and more like he will never work.

You life with children with SEN children is a marathon not a sprint, take the moments that give you joy and pleasure (or at least rest and relaxation) where you can, and try to let go of the guilt for that

Show quote history

Thank you so much for this post. You have no idea how much I needed this having read all the other responses. Currently crying, which is always my response to true (rare) empathy to my kind of situation.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 09/10/2025 13:11

Chocolateismylovelife · 09/10/2025 11:30

The person working less should do more in the home regardless of income.

I agree. I don't think earnings are relevant.

Financial · 09/10/2025 13:12

Yes

MrsMcGarry · 09/10/2025 13:13

So your original question was definitely you being unreasonable, your later updates mean you are definitely not.

I think one factor is what he does and why he doesn't earn as much as you. If he's working really hard in a worthwhile job that just doesn't pay well because society values the wrong things, then your relative earnings should not make a difference to who does housework and you should share equally. If instead he has chosen to stay in a very low stress job and not seek promotion because he likes being able to dial it in at work, you should expect he does more.

But tbh that seems like the least of your relationship problems

SquirrelsAreGo · 09/10/2025 13:14

You know what, having read your posts back to back, and assiduously ignoring everyone else, I'm going to say, take the bloody win. Watch Netflix, get your nails done.

I'm sorry, but if all your husband contributes is cleaning the kitchen then fuck it. I think it might be useful for you to read your own posts back. You have had no agency over the past 15-20 years, so I think you absolutely should take time for yourself.

No one understands the impact unless it's happened to them - giving up your career, being a carer not just a parent, and feeling as if you have to justify your choices even though YOU weren't given a choice.

This whole thing gives me the rage. What kind of human has never cleaned a bathroom? Refuses to stay home even though it would make the most sense for both of you. I'm amazed you're not angry.

The one thing I will disagree on is not having a cleaner. I would forfeit nails, afternoon out, whatever, to have someone do in 2 hours what I couldn't accomplish in 4! Even once or twice a month makes a profound differences.

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 09/10/2025 13:14

Personally, if I worked 3 days I would spend one of my days off doing 'admin house stuff' - stick a couple loads of laundry in, go food shopping, do a general tidy. Basically remove the drudge work from the weekend so we have that free to have family time. Then I would have the other day as a day off. I'd also take the kids for a morning/ afternoon one day at the weekend if possible to give DH a break.

But I say this as someone whose DH is true equal partner and does a lot of cooking, cleaning, getting up with kids, days off when they're sick etc.

ACynicalDad · 09/10/2025 13:16

Imagine the response if the sex of each of you was reversed. Time matters, our funds a cleaner.

spoonbillstretford · 09/10/2025 13:18

If you can afford it, pay for someone to do it for you and have more free time.

CausalInference · 09/10/2025 13:18

I work 4 days and earn more (I do compressed hours so I still work 37.5 just over fewer days). I used to look after our children before they started nursery on my day off, now they have all started school I do housework, washing, school runs, life admin etc etc I wouldn't use it to laze around. I can't imagine spending the day sat watching tv when my husband is at work and then expecting him to come home and clean if he's working longer hours. I'd rather use my day off to get stuff done so we can enjoy the weekend as a family and actually do something nice together.

Me and my husband are a team, I do my best to support him and in return he does more than his share to support me. Money has nothing to do with it.

JamDisaster · 09/10/2025 13:18

OP, I think your later posts put a completely different complexion on things and most people are just replying to your first post, which made it sound as if you thought you deserved more free time that your husband because you earn a higher rate (which is obviously outrageous). Your later posts paint a completely different picture and I don’t think giving yourself some downtime is a bad idea at all.

user1496146479 · 09/10/2025 13:19

JamDisaster · 09/10/2025 11:30

Yes you should do housework on your day off if it needs doing. It should be split by available time not earnings.

Totally agree with this

StewkeyBlue · 09/10/2025 13:19

Teamwork is more than money.

So ‘disposable time’ is as important as ‘disposable income’

Your in-recovery from cancer is a big drip feed: teamwork in that case means he picks up things when you need to rest - he has more ‘disposable energy’ at times.