If you worked 3 days but earned more than DH, would you do housework on your days off?

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Just that really. Our situation is much more complicated, but in a nutshell I work 3 days a week, school hours & term time only, but still earn slightly more than DH who works full time. I'd say we share most housework roughly equally at the weekends and evenings, I do more cooking as he gets home late but he cleans the kitchen. I do more childcare but he does school runs.

My question is whether he should be peeved if I spend my two days off a week watching Netflix/getting a haircut/meeting friends, rather than cleaning the bathroom (as I just started to, which prompted this thread). Personally I feel like since we earn equally, I should do what I like on my days off and not feel guilty about it. Actually I feel like it's kudos to me for being in this situation 🤷‍♀️

DH hasn't actually expressed anything on the matter (yet).

I will still clean the bathroom, because it needs it, but I don't plan to feel bad about watching the traitors afterwards.

I don't think you have moved on from your resentment about this, OP. I think you have some bigger issues to unpick than who does the vacuuming.

I think from your updates this has been a little bit of a drip feed if I’m honest.

I think your position is very unfair to your husband. You split chores by time available, not by who brings in more money.

How about both?! I think with 4 days off a week you can cope with socialising and putting feet up and housework occasionally.

Can’t you do both? Get a routine whereby you clean bathroom ( I mean how long does that take? ), clean kitchen and go out. On your other day change bedding / put wash on or whatever else needs doing then go out. I don’t think the 2 things are mutually exclusive.
In your situation I would feel obliged to do a bit more of the domestic stuff due to being more ‘time rich’ but would also make sure I carved out some ‘me’ time during those days.

I doubt this is your situation given it's term time only but I think equal WORK is fair which may not equate to time.

For example if I worked 5 days (as I do) working in hospitality (which I do) and my partner worked only 3 days doing the same, I'd expect him to do more at home.

However if my partner worked only 3 days BUT the 3 days he did work he was a top surgeon working 10 hours of open surgery high stress, high precision, highest stakes possible then actually - he can relax on his 'extra' days off.

Not all hours at work are equal. A 3 day a week surgeon probably requires much more down time than me. A laborer probably requires a lot more relaxation time than a receptionist, even if they work the exact same hours.

Whoever is at home more should do more housework. That's my set up. It's also a friends (who's male) set up as well. It just makes more sense. Housework doesn't take long. Plenty of time to have you time.

I think both partners should be carrying an equal load when everything - house, kids, work - is taken into consideration. Do you feel like both of you have a similar amount of time for yourselves, same amount of pressure and stress overall? If so, then all good. If not, then it's going to lead to resentment.

I would be livid if my DH refused to do housework because he earned more than me, and said it was "kudos" to him for having a better paid job. The unfairness and arrogance would be repulsive.

So you think in the situation where one partner is, say, an accountant and works 3 days earning more and the other person is, say, a nurse working in A&E working 5 days (or equivalent) the person working as an accountant should expect the nurse (saving lives) to do the same amount of housework despite the fact he/she has less time at home because he/she earns less?

That doesn't seem very nice to put it mildly and suggests the higher earning partner doesn't really care about the lower earning partner much nor wants to prioritise time together as a couple. Surely if you wanted to spend more time with them, you'd get some of the boring chores out of the way so that you could enjoy free time when you're both off work together as a family?

Earnings often don't bear any resemblance to how hard a job is. TAs, for example, get paid horrendously low wages but often work with children with very significant additional needs which can be very hard work.

In fact, the worse paid a job is often the more its importance to society. The education system would collapse / is collapsing (because TAs can now earn more in Sainsburys) but there are quite a few high paid jobs where no-one would immediately notice if they all disappeared.

Often whether you get paid a high income or low income job is about how much of a leg up you've had in the first place, how many family connections you have not how hard you work. Case in point Jaden Smith has just been appointed as the men's creative director at Christian Louboutin. I bet that job pays well, and I don't think someone from a council estate background had the same chance of getting that job, just a hunch.

You must lack imagination. I work 4 days a week to pursue personal projects. That’s one way in which I invest in myself. I could earn more by working full time. I choose not to.

It really is.
I have more time off, but earn more so finish your 5 days and get to cleaning, sir 😳.
Just wow!

Ah!! So this is really about getting your husband back because he refused to go a different route when one of you had to give up work. I think you haven't got over this, even although you say it is behind you and it has caused huge resentment of your husband since then. Which will only get worse unless you can find a way to let it go, I'm so sorry. He was a prat to refuse if your income would have been better and you would have had your career.

Can you discuss this with him, or get some counselling to help you unpick your feelings and decide what to do about them?

Time is the commodity in a marriage, not money. It’s family money and who earns what is irrelevant as long as you have enough. But you should work together to ensure you have equal time to relax/do hobbies/spend time together.

I would just blitz the housework on my first morning off and then you could still have a day and a half to do what you want and then weekends free to do things as a family

I don’t think you should have to commit your two full non working days to housework, but I do think you should use that time to do a reasonable amount of it. Doesn’t mean you can’t also watch some tv or use it for recreational activities as well, but you should be doing more than he has to, yes. That’s being a team.

I work 3 days, don’t earn as much as H but earn a decent amount. I have time for housework and leisure stuff on my days off. I’d rather keep the weekend free for all of us to be able to enjoy them and not do chores then.

H used to work in retail and wasn’t around much at all, but now he has weekends free we want to make the most of the time with the kids.

Wow how sad!
It isn’t about what you earn. Imagine this reversed? Really sad.

This is a terrible way of looking at things! You’re meant to be a team?! What does earnings have to do with it?!

Ah. That changes things quite a bit and I think you’d have got very different replies if you’d included that in your OP.

However, how this is going to be practically resolved I don’t know. You are going to end up (and are already) very resentful of him.

I think you both need to sit down and address this set again.

A lot of people saying to do the housework during the week so that the weekends are free. If I don't do it, it doesn't get done. In 40 years DH has never cleaned the bathroom and he would never even contemplate hoovering/dusting/tidying if I didn't make him. So on the weeks where I don't clean, that doesn't take away from the weekends - the house just stays dirty.

This is a very recent thing as I've rarely had child free days off before. When I was a SAHM I did all the housework, during the holidays I do it all, and just this week I've had two free days and had to weigh housework vs leisure time. When I was working full time/looking after children full time, I did it at weekends or in the evenings.

This is not to say DH does nothing - he cleans the kitchen, he just doesn't 'see' a dirty bathroom/floors/surfaces

Also, I take everyone's point about earning not coming into it. I suppose my thinking was that all the times I wasn't working, I did the housework without question because DH's contribution was working to support us. Now that we both earn, it feels different - I.e. I do the housework, the childcare, and also bring in more of the money? Today was the first day I questioned it. Still, I hear what people are saying about not making things so transactional.

I don't think it should matter who earns what. The chores should be shared by the time you both have to do them. In that situation I would expect to do more than DH but on the days you both work, I would still expect things to be shared. I would want to get as much as possible done in the week so that there isn't much left for the weekend, surely that's one of the bonuses of being part time?

Get a cleaner.

I totally agree with this.
you’re a team.
can you put some money towards a cleaner, get an online delivery and both do washing every day so it doesn’t build up / then you can relax a bit and jobs are cleared before weekend!

Maybe because her husband could have sacrificed his long term job prospects and career instead of the op, who currently earns as much as her DH in 3 days a week as he does in 5 days a week. Maybe there is a good reason for the op to dot his and not the DH, but I'd be resentful about that too, whether it is reasonable or not.

Op please don't listen to the vast majority of people on this thread. Most of them have no idea of the pressures of SEN children where their needs affect your ability to work over the years. I can understand that this constant changing for hours to meet your child(ren)'s needs is not available in every job so you may be grateful for that but there is no getting away from the fact that using that flexibility constantly will affect your long term career options.

I would suggest that fairer way to deal with this is for you to work 4 days and your husband to do the same, though I appreciate that may not be possible with your husband's job. In any case I would say try to do some house based stuff ro
for half a day at least each week and then take it week by week as to how much energy you have to spend and what time you need to rest and recover

You are allowed to be tired, worried and a bit resentful though I know you will feel a bit guilty about some of these feelings. The key thing here is what your husband thinks - not a load of strangers on MN.

If you need some help coping with the guilt of taking time for you on your days off - I am now 60 years old and still work 4 days a week (used to be 3), 2-3 of them at home to have flexibility to help my now adult SEN son when he needs it.

I can tell you that I have over the year often spent at least one of my days off in bed, sleeping or reading for half the day and doing whatever I feel like and very littel housewor (subject to things like feeding DS and school runs etc when he was younger of course) DH has never minded this at all, he completely gets it and in fact has helped me deal with my early feelings of guilt about this when DS was young. This is part of the reason why our marriage has survived , despite the very real stress of having a child with severe behavioural issues, now adult who is looking more and more like he will never work.

You life with children with SEN children is a marathon not a sprint, take the moments that give you joy and pleasure (or at least rest and relaxation) where you can, and try to let go of the guilt for that