If you worked 3 days but earned more than DH, would you do housework on your days off?

[namechange0998776554799000]

Just that really. Our situation is much more complicated, but in a nutshell I work 3 days a week, school hours & term time only, but still earn slightly more than DH who works full time. I'd say we share most housework roughly equally at the weekends and evenings, I do more cooking as he gets home late but he cleans the kitchen. I do more childcare but he does school runs.

My question is whether he should be peeved if I spend my two days off a week watching Netflix/getting a haircut/meeting friends, rather than cleaning the bathroom (as I just started to, which prompted this thread). Personally I feel like since we earn equally, I should do what I like on my days off and not feel guilty about it. Actually I feel like it's kudos to me for being in this situation 🤷‍♀️

DH hasn't actually expressed anything on the matter (yet).

I will still clean the bathroom, because it needs it, but I don't plan to feel bad about watching the traitors afterwards.

A lot of people saying to do the housework during the week so that the weekends are free. If I don't do it, it doesn't get done.

Yet, in your OP you said you and DH do equal amounts of housework on the weekend…

I don’t really get how you can moan about the responses you’ve received when your whole OP was about you relaxing, watching Netflix and getting your hair done because you earn more then you drip feed HUGE into like recovering from cancer and the fact you have 2 disabled children.

I’ve seen your response saying the other comments you’ve received have been harsh but no offence, maybe if you didn’t leave vital info out of your OP that made you seem (sorry, but lazy) then people would understand you needing to relax..

Definitely you can do nice things on the days you are not working. But can't you also help move this house along. A bit of both? Balance.

Or you could work four days a week and use the extra money to allow your partner to work four days a week too, and have time together.

You are a team.

I'm in this situation. My days off are with DD so not really a break for me anyway unfortunately. I do some housework too.

When my kids start school I'll probably increase to 4 days and get a cleaner.

That 4th day would be quite short with school hours and I would still probably do bits that contribute to the household - cleaning, sorting, errands, but also time for me to get a break! I could then have more energy for other things like helping with homework across the week etc. Or giving DH more 'free time' at the weekend.

I think when you're married with kids as long as the split is fairly even with housework it becomes more about working together to keep the cogs turning.

I'm proud I'm able to earn more than DH even working part time but realistically I just feel sorry for him that he didn't have the same opportunities perhaps as I did growing up or that his career choice is just much more poorly paid. He works really hard too.

But it would annoy me if he begrudged me a break.

Earning more doesn't give you the right to relax more. If you've got the jobs that need doing done, by all means sit and watch Netflix, but if he is having to help out with jobs at the weekend that you could have done in the week it's not really fair. Where is his downtime?

Gosh OP, when I read your OP I thought it was outrageous to be honest; transactional and selfish. Having read your updates I feel very differently.

YOU are not behaving like a team player because HE doesn't behave like one.

On paper, it made me no sense for me to be the one to give up work. But he refused, I gave up my career and will never regain what I had before.

In 40 years DH has never cleaned the bathroom and he would never even contemplate hoovering/dusting/tidying if I didn't make him

Do you love him? In spite of his behaviour? I guess leaving is hard in your situation but if I was you I think I'd hate him...

^
This

OP posts that her and DH do equal housework on the weekend and evenings and she wants her 2 days off to be Netflix, lunches out and haircuts.

Then she updates to say she has 2 disabled children, her DH isn’t pulling his weight despite her first post and she’s also recovering from cancer.

No wonder 80% of us assumed OP to be lazy.

I wish people didn’t drip feed.

I think it comes down to the age old MN principle of equal leisure time. Fundamentally two people in a relationship should have the same or similar quality of life. It’s not fair if one has loads of downtime and expects the other to the split the housework 50:50 in their shared time off.

Obviously there’s flexibility in this - no one would suggest you should spend all your time off doing housework in hope - but you should do some, I think.

Edit - I’ve just seen there’s a drip feed but I can’t be bothered to update further!

Why does your bathroom need cleaning? Whenever we use our bathrooms we clean them after use, the only thing that needs doing is the floors occasionally. Teach your husband to leave the bathroom clean after use.

So H gets away with not caring for his wife's opinion, not doing the majority (or even 50%) of the childcare, not doing the majority of the cleaning and swans off to his lower paid work knowing his wife will pick up the slack??

The 1950's want your H back @namechange0998776554799000 (and I presume you would be happy to let them have him with his selfish attitude)

Both me and himself work pt, me 5 days, him 3 days - but the same hours

I used to feel like the housework was all down to me but if hes going to spend the day doing his hobby, then I sit and do mine - and the housework doesn't get done. However saying that, I will say to him, I need you with me on Saturday when I get back from what I do Saturday mornings, and together we pile in and get the house done - together

Hes also the one that does the gardens and cars, I do the cooking and I do the ironing - he can use the washing machine and loads his work clothes and takes stuff out of the tumble and folds. He clears away after dinner, hes just a crap cook and Im not :)

I often spend the day sitting on my arse watching Netflix and It doesn't cost me a thought because the housework isnt MY job, its ours.

Dont get me wrong, I had to remind him constantly that it was joint work. He used to say things like " I did the washing up for you" quick as a flash Id reply no actually you did the washing up because it needed doing "I made the bed for you" No you made OUR bed

Took a few years mind :)

All of this….

Your relationship sounds quite transactional if you think in those terms @namechange0998776554799000

None of this was stated in the OP hence the replies.

He is working in a worthwhile, vocational job in a sector that happens to be badly paid. In fact, he was offered a better paid job but had to turn it down as I was diagnosed with cancer. His current boss gave leave, fully paid, to care for me/the children on the condition he stayed for another 4 years. I've done the same in past years when he's been too ill to work. We've had a lot of give & take over the years.

Whether he is in a lower-paying or higher-paying job is not so much about being promoted/working harder, it's more akin to moving from public to private industry. He's not against it, but his current role is more flexible which is always our primary concern these days.

He's not a bad man. We both have our faults and we've both had a very tough few decades.

I would do a mix of the two, some cleaning / admin / grocery shopping to help keep on top of things and some time to yourself to relax and do things for yourself. We all need some time to ourselves to rest and recharge a bit.

I'd go for easy tasks, like doing a load of laundry, stick it in the washing machine make a coffee and watch some netflix. If I'd been semi-productive one of the days I'd be fine going out and seeing a friend the next day.

I think it's really important to have some kind of balance.

Ask yourself this, if you both worked exactly the same hours but your husband earned more, would you be happy if he did less housework on days off and you did most of it.

We're in a similar position - one of us earning more money for working three days a week, the other earning slightly less for working full time. The division of paid labour is more equal than that makes it seem though: the part time job is stressful and involves long hours, while the full time job is lower stress and I volved flexible hours and hybrid working.

On days when we both work, we share routine tasks like cooking, laundry and childcare. On days when only one of us is out at work, the other does the routine tasks that need to be done that day.

There's no expectation that non-routine maintenance tasks like cutting the hedge or deep-cleaning the bathroom get done on those days, though. Such tasks are divided up then done by the person who's doing them at a time of their choosing. This means some may be done by the non-working person on their day off, but only if that's what they decide to do with their time.

Overall, the part time worker's non-working day is probably about equally split between getting things done and relaxing. The latter is important: the reason they're working part time is because their job is intense and they need time and space to decompress!

Agree.

Surely its the effort not the income that needs to be even?

What would you say about an heiress putting her feet up all day then making DH do all the housework when he gets home from work: "I'm still 1.6 million pa ahead of you Bertie! Keep scrubbing!"💅

I mean they'd likely have a cleaner, but I am illustrating a point of principle.

I wasn't planning to get into all the back story and I appreciate the drip feeds can be very annoying. I suppose I wasn't expecting a near-unanimous initial response that I was essentially being lazy, so I felt defensive and wanted to explain. Lesson learned how to approach AIBU threads 😆

My partner and I understand quite well what it’s like to be a parent/carer.

We both work 40hour weeks, often having had 3 hours sleep and been up since 2am, and always after having cared for our complex needs 9 year old with limited communication and complex challenging behaviours.

It’s very, very difficult. But as the higher earner in that difficult set up I cannot imagine penalising him for having a lower paid job. We’re a team, and work as one.

I’m WFH today and he’s in the office, I’ll do slightly more because I’m in the house and he’s not. It just seems obvious to me.

OP’s husband does need to step his game up and clean the bathroom, but that’s not IMO because of anyone’s earnings. They’re not relevant.

We’re always given a choice. I wouldn’t give my career up for anyone, and no is a complete sentence. It would not and will not ever happen.

I think you should both still share the chores. Maybe you do a bit more but then women generally do -sticking washing machine on during a work break or dishwasher etc.
i do 1 day, he does 5. We have a cleaner as neither of us wants to clean (separate finances too)

This is shocking. Neither partner gets to "refuse" in a relationship, you work things out, otherwise it's not a partnership. I don't think I could get over the resentment I would feel towards my husband if this were me. You're a better woman than I am. On this basis alone, I wouldn't be looking at who does the housework on your days off. I'd be looking at the distribution between you of all responsibilities for house, earning, children - all the things. From your first post I thought you were being disrespectful to your husband's worth as a human. To no read that he "refused" - it's the other way round :(

I would probably do a day of chores and a day of what I wanted to do then we would both have weekends free

Get a cleaner.

I would do the the things on those two days, that would allow us both more family time at the weekends. I would probably predominantly do things that would benefit the kids.
Having said that.... Do you take on the 'mental load' of the family admin? Is your well paying job more stressful? Are you peri? If you need the rest, take it.
So many factors could affect it.

I’d spend a day blitzing and a day chilling and putting my feet up. All about balance!