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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you worked 3 days but earned more than DH, would you do housework on your days off?

524 replies

namechange0998776554799000 · 09/10/2025 11:23

Just that really. Our situation is much more complicated, but in a nutshell I work 3 days a week, school hours & term time only, but still earn slightly more than DH who works full time. I'd say we share most housework roughly equally at the weekends and evenings, I do more cooking as he gets home late but he cleans the kitchen. I do more childcare but he does school runs.

My question is whether he should be peeved if I spend my two days off a week watching Netflix/getting a haircut/meeting friends, rather than cleaning the bathroom (as I just started to, which prompted this thread). Personally I feel like since we earn equally, I should do what I like on my days off and not feel guilty about it. Actually I feel like it's kudos to me for being in this situation 🤷‍♀️

DH hasn't actually expressed anything on the matter (yet).

I will still clean the bathroom, because it needs it, but I don't plan to feel bad about watching the traitors afterwards.

OP posts:
Tryingtoconceivenumber2 · 09/10/2025 15:01

Same position her, i work 3 days and earned a lot more than DH did on 5.

We have 2 kids, one who is a toddler. My bum doesn't touch the chair on my days off. Playing with DC, taking her out, school runs. Cleaning the full 2 hours she naps. Though I think if I was relaxing DH would be ok with it but I can't when there is so much to be done. Maybe it will be different when both DC in school.

JustMarriedBecca · 09/10/2025 15:04

It's not my DHs fault that my career (law) pays more than his (professional services, not law). He has the same professional pressures as me - it's just law is paid bonkers money.

Save yourselves and get a cleaner though. Why bother doing it at all.

G5000 · 09/10/2025 15:12

Tryingtoconceivenumber2 · 09/10/2025 15:01

Same position her, i work 3 days and earned a lot more than DH did on 5.

We have 2 kids, one who is a toddler. My bum doesn't touch the chair on my days off. Playing with DC, taking her out, school runs. Cleaning the full 2 hours she naps. Though I think if I was relaxing DH would be ok with it but I can't when there is so much to be done. Maybe it will be different when both DC in school.

Of course it's totally different if you are taking care of children on your days 'off' or sitting watching Netflix. Which is what the first post said - also not accurate, as it has turned out.

For me, both partners should pull their weight, according to their ability. This can happen in various ways.

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 09/10/2025 15:21

Dearg · 09/10/2025 11:28

in your situation, why do you work only 3 out of 5 days? I understand the school hours and term time, but would 5 days not improve the family pot?

I think sharing housework, childcare etc is essential in any marriage, but I don’t get what earnings have to do with it.

There's more to life than the "family pot". If they're not struggling for money why does she need to earn more?

pinkspeakers · 09/10/2025 15:25

I think the person who has more time off from paid work should contribute more in other ways. I don't think the amount you earn is particularly relevant.

However, it does depend a little on how intense/tiring your work days are. If you earn more because you are working in a more stressful job, then you might need a bit more downtime than him.

HairyToity · 09/10/2025 15:32

We're in this position. My earnings on three days are similar to DH fulltime salary. I spend 1.5 days of my fays off in the week on housework, life admin, food shop and gardening etc. I have one morning a week that I do an exercise class and coffee with friend. The rest of the time it's housework etc. on days off.

DH is always busy, and does more than his fair share evenings and weekends.

YesImaman1100 · 09/10/2025 15:39

If a man said this was reasonable, he'd be slaughtered.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 09/10/2025 15:42

YABU because in my view, that justifies men who are high earners with wives rearing children, either as part-time working or SAHM's, giving their wives/partners grief about doing all the housework.

I think couples should work as a team, and divide household tasks out according to availability/working hours, rather than income.

If someone was earning £500K/yr and only worked 2 days per week, would it be fair for them not to do any housework when their spouse was working 6 days per week earning minimum wage? Of course it wouldn't.

So, in conclusion, in my view, it's not about who earns more, it's about availability of time to fairly distribute tasks between spouses.

Tigerthatcametobrunch · 09/10/2025 15:46

JamDisaster · 09/10/2025 11:30

Yes you should do housework on your day off if it needs doing. It should be split by available time not earnings.

Id say this actually depends on why he's earning less. If he's trying his hardest but can't earn more then I agree with you; if he's in a job that he absolutely loves and sacrifices career progression in order to do his role then I wouldn't be picking up the slack at home.

My ex worked more hours than me and out of the house,but earned less than half of what I did. Because I was at home more I ended up picking up most of the housework... He was a golf pro and after 7 years boy did the resentment build.

nellietheellie75 · 09/10/2025 16:00

I hired a cleaner. Problem solved.

Figgygal · 09/10/2025 16:07

I work 4 days and earn more than dh who works 5.
If I want the day for me i take it otherwise it's school run, cleaning, walk dog, food shop top up etc
I figure it's still better than 5 days on which I'd get a cleaner and means all the house crap doesn't end up affecting weekends.

He does his share and most of outdoor work so it's balanced. Don't see that income Is relevant

TY78910 · 09/10/2025 16:17

bumblingbovine49 · 09/10/2025 13:01

Maybe because her husband could have sacrificed his long term job prospects and career instead of the op, who currently earns as much as her DH in 3 days a week as he does in 5 days a week. Maybe there is a good reason for the op to dot his and not the DH, but I'd be resentful about that too, whether it is reasonable or not.

Op please don't listen to the vast majority of people on this thread. Most of them have no idea of the pressures of SEN children where their needs affect your ability to work over the years. I can understand that this constant changing for hours to meet your child(ren)'s needs is not available in every job so you may be grateful for that but there is no getting away from the fact that using that flexibility constantly will affect your long term career options.

I would suggest that fairer way to deal with this is for you to work 4 days and your husband to do the same, though I appreciate that may not be possible with your husband's job. In any case I would say try to do some house based stuff ro
for half a day at least each week and then take it week by week as to how much energy you have to spend and what time you need to rest and recover

You are allowed to be tired, worried and a bit resentful though I know you will feel a bit guilty about some of these feelings. The key thing here is what your husband thinks - not a load of strangers on MN.

If you need some help coping with the guilt of taking time for you on your days off - I am now 60 years old and still work 4 days a week (used to be 3), 2-3 of them at home to have flexibility to help my now adult SEN son when he needs it.

I can tell you that I have over the year often spent at least one of my days off in bed, sleeping or reading for half the day and doing whatever I feel like and very littel housewor (subject to things like feeding DS and school runs etc when he was younger of course) DH has never minded this at all, he completely gets it and in fact has helped me deal with my early feelings of guilt about this when DS was young. This is part of the reason why our marriage has survived , despite the very real stress of having a child with severe behavioural issues, now adult who is looking more and more like he will never work.

You life with children with SEN children is a marathon not a sprint, take the moments that give you joy and pleasure (or at least rest and relaxation) where you can, and try to let go of the guilt for that

Show quote history

I think if OP added all of this in to her post she would have avoided a lot of the initial commentary.

blablabla123 · 09/10/2025 16:21

Going to go against the majority of respondents… just 50/50 on everything. I think it would be different if you decided to stay home and earn less for it so you do the housework instead but if you earn more then it’s your days as long as you split everything equally :).

Shatteredallthetimelately · 09/10/2025 16:25

namechange0998776554799000 · 09/10/2025 13:33

I wasn't planning to get into all the back story and I appreciate the drip feeds can be very annoying. I suppose I wasn't expecting a near-unanimous initial response that I was essentially being lazy, so I felt defensive and wanted to explain. Lesson learned how to approach AIBU threads 😆

What you did was explain a situation without giving it all the added 'issues' you face in a day.

In reality you sound at the end of your tether, more so about your DC's situations and that's OK to feel like that, in an ideal world they'd get up of a morning and be only to willing to get to school and see their friends, but life isn't always like that and it's you that picks up.

Shatteredallthetimelately · 09/10/2025 16:29

My fat fingers pressed to soon....

You say your DH isn't a bad man...time to have a frank conversation, even if to plan in some down time, both separately if wanted and together as a couple/ family..

TheDenimPoet · 09/10/2025 17:22

Dearg · 09/10/2025 11:28

in your situation, why do you work only 3 out of 5 days? I understand the school hours and term time, but would 5 days not improve the family pot?

I think sharing housework, childcare etc is essential in any marriage, but I don’t get what earnings have to do with it.

Why don't you work 7 out of 7 days? It would improve the family pot.

Crapola25 · 09/10/2025 17:33

Yeh I'd be peed off if I was your DH, I think if you are working less you need to help out more at home on your days off or pay for a cleaner/help.

I have my own business, work minimum 7 days per week, max 12 (with some hired staff) and my DH works full time (but in reality 2 hours per day) we earn more or less the same and he spends his free time sat on his arse watching TV.

MagicLoop · 09/10/2025 17:45

What?! I don't understand what housework has to do with salary Confused. You get paid what you get paid. You are both contributing to the household financially. The amount of housework should be divided so that you each have the same amount of free time. Housework takes up time. It doesn't contribute money.

MagicLoop · 09/10/2025 17:50

namechange0998776554799000 · 09/10/2025 12:59

A lot of people saying to do the housework during the week so that the weekends are free. If I don't do it, it doesn't get done. In 40 years DH has never cleaned the bathroom and he would never even contemplate hoovering/dusting/tidying if I didn't make him. So on the weeks where I don't clean, that doesn't take away from the weekends - the house just stays dirty.

This is a very recent thing as I've rarely had child free days off before. When I was a SAHM I did all the housework, during the holidays I do it all, and just this week I've had two free days and had to weigh housework vs leisure time. When I was working full time/looking after children full time, I did it at weekends or in the evenings.

This is not to say DH does nothing - he cleans the kitchen, he just doesn't 'see' a dirty bathroom/floors/surfaces

Also, I take everyone's point about earning not coming into it. I suppose my thinking was that all the times I wasn't working, I did the housework without question because DH's contribution was working to support us. Now that we both earn, it feels different - I.e. I do the housework, the childcare, and also bring in more of the money? Today was the first day I questioned it. Still, I hear what people are saying about not making things so transactional.

When I was (briefly) a SAHM, I did pretty much all the housework. When I was part time I did the majority. Now that we are both ft we share the housework equally. However, now I've rtft, if your partner both refused to even consider the possibility of his career taking the hit, and has basically never done his fair share of thd domestic work, I can see why you feel hard done-by!

Caroparo52 · 09/10/2025 17:55

I would pay to have a cleaner. Then no arguments

Justcallmedaffodil · 09/10/2025 18:03

Personally I would (and did) get a cleaner. And enjoy my days off.

Psychologymam · 09/10/2025 20:35

Woodwalk · 09/10/2025 14:01

This is totally fair enough - I don't know any surgeons on a personal level haha! But just thinking about my own surgeries I have had which went on for hours - I know I would rather my surgeon had had a restful day before operating on me 😅 my life was in her hands on several occasions; nothing I do in my job comes close to the stress.

I hope you do see what I mean though - whilst my own work is physically quite busy it isn't mentally draining, and I can perform it well enough on minimal sleep if required. Hours worked doesn't always mean equal work, even if both partners do the exact same hours per week. If my partner did a job like that - or a fireman, or something equally stressful and draining, I think I'd be willing to do more at home. As it is, he's in an office and I'm on my feet, so actually following the same logic it's often he who does anything close to manual at home!

Show quote history

Yes I get it what you mean - I think it works well when it’s a day by day basis so you’re a team and one person picks up the slack when the other person is very busy at work/has long day etc. Whereas an expectation that you always have less down time as the norm feels less fair!

YourAmplePlumPoster · 10/10/2025 00:08

Like I said, one day for your friends, beautician appointments, leisure etc and one day for housekeeping. I also detest housework but I use various strategies like listening to podcasts or the radio while I'm doing something boring.

YourAmplePlumPoster · 10/10/2025 00:10

I don't think it's fair for a partner working full time to do housework, especially if he picks up the slack at weekends.

Opal888 · 10/10/2025 00:14

DW and I overtake each other in terms of earnings every couple of years. It has never altered how much house and child work we each do. Whoever has a day off is reasonably expected to do whatever chores need doing , with many hours left to spend on whatever they want. Whoever can be arsed does deeper cleaning (this is usually not me. I am currently the higher earner).
HOWEVER we are a same sex couple and I do find that women almost always do more than men without necessarily tracking, accounting for, or realising it. So honestly if I were married to a man I'd sit on my bum for most of my days off 😇

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