If you worked 3 days but earned more than DH, would you do housework on your days off?

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Just that really. Our situation is much more complicated, but in a nutshell I work 3 days a week, school hours & term time only, but still earn slightly more than DH who works full time. I'd say we share most housework roughly equally at the weekends and evenings, I do more cooking as he gets home late but he cleans the kitchen. I do more childcare but he does school runs.

My question is whether he should be peeved if I spend my two days off a week watching Netflix/getting a haircut/meeting friends, rather than cleaning the bathroom (as I just started to, which prompted this thread). Personally I feel like since we earn equally, I should do what I like on my days off and not feel guilty about it. Actually I feel like it's kudos to me for being in this situation 🤷‍♀️

DH hasn't actually expressed anything on the matter (yet).

I will still clean the bathroom, because it needs it, but I don't plan to feel bad about watching the traitors afterwards.

I would probably work more than 3 days to earn even more money and to be able to hire a cleaner. I hate cleaning bathrooms!

I do earn more, I do work three days and I do do more housework.

Work is about more than money, it's about effort. Unless he's incredibly lazy/unambitious and languishing in a low-paid job when he's capable of more then you're behaving unfairly. He puts in a lot more hours for his financial contribution to the family than you do.

Absolutely still go for coffee, haircuts etc on your days off but also use that time to make the burden of household jobs easier on everyone. YABU.

I'm working towards this situation, and I can't ever imagine having enough housework to do that I couldn't sort it in 2x90m sessions on my days off, the rest to spend as I please.

Now "as I please" does tend to include gardening, and I would expect my husband to do a share at the weekend, but I can't imagine not using my time to sort stuff that needs doing.

I am in a very similar boat. This context does change things its not a dynamic everyone will understand.

My oh is of the view that I am integral to the survival of our family. I am the flexibility that makes life work. For that i have personally sacrificed and given things up. I often burn out,we both can.
So if I need netflix days and time to chill then thats really vital for our family surviving. If i go down we all go down.
There is no expectation put on me to be cleaning or doing all the drugery purely because I'm at home more. I am also the one that purely by proximity has to deal with more meltdowns alone etc
Where we can we try to be as equal as possible but we go more on how it feels between us rather than strict you've done xyz and you've only done xy. We aim for us to both feel supported by the other.

What's been key for us is understanding eachother and valuing eachother.

The issue is that this makes it look like you didn’t like the responses so drop (or make up) information in to change the story. Not that I’m saying you did that, just that people do and that’s how it can look.

100% agree. But then I think a lot of marriages on MN are more like mergers and acquisitions than partners who presumably love each other.
I get that things need to be ironed out if one parner is doing everything and the other nothing, but all of this 'I look after the children, that's MY job', 'I earn more so should do less', 'Make him do his own laundry, you are a SAHM not his personal slave' or yesterday's gem when the SAHM went for an hour-long walk leaving the baby with dad as soon as he finished work is so far away from what I consider a marriage to be.
Dismally transactional, as you say

I only work 4 out of 5 days because it does me good to have 3 day weekends to enjoy, this is worth more to me than “increasing the family pot” mind you my DH snd I have seoerste finances because he is crap with money. I pay the mortgage, he pays the bills. The rest of our money is used to buy food, which we just pay when we go shopping roughly taking it in turns. Then we do what we want with our own money. Pay half each towards holidays etc. if I wanted more money I would work 5 days, but I don’t need it and value my day off more than more money. If my DH wants more money he will need to earn more. We share housework etc, I don’t do it on my day off though. I’m not earning less to do his share of the chores.

DH hasn't actually expressed anything on the matter (yet).
I will still clean the bathroom, because it needs it, but I don't plan to feel bad about watching the traitors afterwards.

I’m confused as to why this is even an issue? Your DH hasn’t said anything about it plus you will still do the cleaning but then also have a bit of you time.
I do think if you’re home more than he is then you should pick up more around the house but tbh it sounds fairly split what you both do anyway

@SleeplessInWherever - Well from what you've written you clearly DON'T understand, and your life IS different. You have one child, which is so different compared to two, and somehow, despite your appalling nights, magically gets taken care of while you can both put 40 hours into a career/job.

So no, you don't know what it's like to not be able to continue your job because whatever is going on with your children can only be dealt with by a parent, and you end up having to be home, "on call" 24/7. I think you're comparing apples to oranges, and feeling very smug about it. Clearly she made a mistake in trying to write a flippant post, but the subsequent posts make it very clear what she is dealing with.

I think you’re a team and it’s about sharing the load. It’s not about how much money everyone’s earning, it’s about how tired everyone is and trying to give everyone some down time.

Of course it would but it sounds like her husband is a selfish prat who prioritises what he wants over the benefits to the rest of the family. If he'd agreed to take responsibility for his SEN kids, the family as a whole would have more money and they could then accommodate more free time for everyone by spending some of the extra on a cleaner or other help. But he didn't want to, so OP was forced to pick up the slack.

I'd find it really difficult to forgive his selfishness.

Does that mean if you both worked full time but you earned more he should do more housework because he “put less cash into the pot?” Because that’s what you’re saying essentially

Wow. Imagine if it were reversed. I don’t earn, dh earns well. I do most housework but he also pulls his weight.

I was all ready to say you were being unreasonable off your first post, but that gradually changed with each of your next posts - but this one and the one before really clinched it!

Enjoy your two days doing whatever you want to do! No-one ever died from a bit of toothpaste residue or a bath that wasn't immaculate!

And get him to start doing more round the house at the weekend (including the cooking) - I don't believe he doesn't 'see' dirt, he may just not have your standards. Even if you have to write a list of jobs each Saturday morning and mark next to them who is going to do what, he should be doing his fair share around the house!

You said he hasn't brought this up yet and it is possible that it may not even cross his mind - but if he did bring it up, tell him if he doesn't like it he can go part time to take care of the kids and you will go back to work full time - after all, if he hadn't have refused to do that in the first place, you would probably have been able to afford a cleaner!

You've had cancer so even if childless your career would have imploded. Add in sen children, does it make sense for you to step back rather than both of you.

Well it depends on how much money you have really.

This is what I was going to say.......Personally, I don't think that money should come into this question. I work 2.5 days a week and I do the bulk of the housework. No school runs or childcare for us as DS is 21. I do all the cooking as DH is a terrible cook and I tidy up afterwards. DH works much longer hours than me and I see the housework as topping up my working hours.

and then saw you were recovering post cancer. Ignore everything I have just said and put your feet up, the bathroom can wait!

To be honest OP I think if stuff needs doing and you are off, do what you can to clear it but it’s all balance isn’t it. Maybe one day for housework and errands and one for Netflix and tea?

It's not about the money for us. We have always put in the same amount of effort. Work, childcare, chores. All the money goes into a pot. We spend roughly the same, and have the same amount of free time.

Plenty of people have had cancer and made a full recovery, that's no reason why the care of two SEN kids should fall to her alone. If anything, the opposite, working is way easier!

You're not being lazy. It's your time. Enjoy it.

Just be, ‘economical with the truth’, always easiest in the long run.

This is totally fair enough - I don't know any surgeons on a personal level haha! But just thinking about my own surgeries I have had which went on for hours - I know I would rather my surgeon had had a restful day before operating on me 😅 my life was in her hands on several occasions; nothing I do in my job comes close to the stress.

I hope you do see what I mean though - whilst my own work is physically quite busy it isn't mentally draining, and I can perform it well enough on minimal sleep if required. Hours worked doesn't always mean equal work, even if both partners do the exact same hours per week. If my partner did a job like that - or a fireman, or something equally stressful and draining, I think I'd be willing to do more at home. As it is, he's in an office and I'm on my feet, so actually following the same logic it's often he who does anything close to manual at home!

OP it might be worth asking MN to put a note on asking people to read the full thread before they respond, this is one of those cases where you really need the full story.

I'm going to mute this thread now, because I started it feeling a little annoyed at having to clean the bathroom but otherwise in a great mood, looking forward to the rest of the day off, and I now feel thoroughly depressed at reliving the misery of the last few years. I have one hour left to get the food on before the children get home, and if I keep reading this thread I won't even get that done.

Thanks to everyone who wrote supportive posts, and no hard feelings to those who didn't based on my admittedly flippant OP.

There are a lot of posts now not benefitting from having RTFT.

OP - IMO he failed to respect your teamwork and partnership when he refused to be the one to stop his much lower paid work to support your children with SEN. Hard to move on from that when it has affected you for a long time and is still affecting you.

And he needs to step up while you are recovering from cancer - however long that takes.

My SIL's very honest oncologist told her, once her cancer was cured "it isn't a death sentence but it is a life sentence" - meaning the after effects can be with you for life. e.g tiredness, emotional and psychological imapct