To refuse to ask son to leave?

[Dishwater]

Please don’t post on social media as it is too outing.

Ok, this is long - sorry.

I am really struggling with this and would like to see how other people would deal with this situation.

i have a 19 year old son. I will give some background to try and be fair to all the people involved because it isn’t as straightforward (I think) because of some of these details. My son isn’t my partners but he hasn’t seen his own Dad in a number of years. My son has been difficult. He is exceptionally messy and selfish. In our previous home he completely hoarded rubbish in his room to the point it attracted bugs and furniture and walls were damaged which I know is really bad( this happened several times despite my please to improve / going in and helping / getting cross etc). Since we moved house I go into his room daily and he has improved some but likewise I take out any rubbish and grab his washing and generally tidy around. My partner hasn’t really gotten over my son having some friends around when we were away for 2 nights a year ago because some of partners things were damaged - sporting equipment. Son denied this initially, I asked him to leave temporarily because it wasn’t pleasant and he stayed at a friends but his birthday was coming up and I felt awful that he wasn’t at home so agreed that he could come back. My partner really just gets annoyed by everything my son does so I have spent years cleaning up after him before my partner sees any mess and it’s really taken its toll. Please don’t think I haven’t asked son to be more careful when doing certain things - wipe up after cooking, don’t use metal utensils on non scratch pans etc etc. but it does feel like I’m constantly moaning at him and I’m not sure if some of the smaller things would bother me quite as much as it bothers my partner, I know teenagers are messy etc. my son is also quite disrespectful at times, he will not answer me if he doesn’t like something I say but he has never sworn at me or said he hates me or anything like I sometimes see others say about their teenagers.

When we moved house I sat down and asked my partner what we needed to do to improve things so that he felt better about things, he said we should ask for a financial contribution and ask son to be tidier. My son wasn’t working FT so didn’t really have money at all, a very small amount. Son has now got a FT jobs so I approached the subject with him a few days ago (did post for advice on here) and son was receptive but we haven’t set an amount yet because h wasn’t home for 7 weeks.

Fast forward to last night, son went out with friends and came home around 9.30pm, partner went into the kitchen and came back agitated and said ‘there might be bugs in the kitchen, I’ve had to open the window, he is cooking and all the windows are steamed up, I see we’re back to being a free hotel again.’ And then he said he was going for a walk, no shouting but clearly very upset. I asked him what he wants me to do? Do you want a curfew for cooking? Do you want me to insist that I do the cooking for son? I told him he was going to contribute financially and he just said ‘I just want peace and stability, this isn’t for me.’ I think he’s referring to the fact that just doesn’t want him here to be honest. My son has a GF that he spent 7 weeks with without coming home. Before that he was spending 3-4 nights at home and the rest at his GF’s so I think that’s stopped this problem arising again because it’s just been short stints of having him. I have also told my son that it is difficult when we don’t know when he’s coming and going and I would be happy to say that he has to give us his schedule. (This is true but I think maybe it’s because I’m so anxious that my partner will be pissed off that’s I’m not even actually sure how I feel about it anymore) I am upset and a little angry that my partner is barely speaking to me because I haven’t actually done anything wrong! It doesn’t feel like much of a team if I have to shoulder the burden and blame. I’ve told him numerous times to just say to son ‘please put the extractor on.’ Or appropriate things as and when he sees something that is bothering him but he doesn’t.

I have two younger children with my partner, one is disabled, I do completely understand why my partner finds this situation difficult. But at 19 I can’t just ask my son to leave home can I? What can I actually do? Other than ask for a contribution and continually remind son to be tidier. I don’t think my partner will be happy while we he’s here to be honest (he is self aware enough to know he can’t outwardly say make he wants me to ask him to leave.)

I should add that I do a lot for my partner, I think that’s relevant because it’s not like he’s got all his life together if you know what I mean. I cook every meal, wash every pot, I don’t get on at him when he’s messy etc. But then I should also add that my partner gave my son his first car and could have sold it so I feel so conflicted about it all. I’m also not really happy with son coming and going but I can definitely put my foot down but I haven’t because I think I know deep down that my partner still wouldn’t be happy.

It’s my house btw but there’s no way my partner could afford to leave, he has a lot of debt.

I really don’t know what to do here. Partner and I get along well when son isn’t here but he’s my child at the end of the day.

Any words of wisdom?

You can help your son realise how much better he would feel if he rented a place of his own when he didn't feel constantly on edge. You can bet he would take much better care of his place.

He has a FT job, he can afford to rent a studio or houseshare. It would definitely be the best going forward. It's not about kicking him out, just helping him gain independence.

Why did you say “please don’t post on social media”? You do know that this forum is social media and what people write here is freely available for anyone to use in the entire world?

You seem to be making a lot of excuses for your son who sounds lazier and more incapable than my 9yo. I can see why your partner is beyond frustrated at this point. My son would be getting my foot up his backside if he behaved like that, dirty to the point of attracting vermin, no manners or respect and you sound very unsympathetic to your partners equipment getting damaged by him and his friends. He wouldn’t be having friends over again if it were me. Why on earth are you acting like his skivvy, running round after him trying to hide the squalor he’s causing before your partner sees it??

I think your partner is being unfair on your son. It sounds like tonight he wasn't doing anything wrong at all? Just cooking in the kitchen with a couple of friends? And yet your partner got upset and agitated - seems like an overreaction.

Also as you do all the cooking and cleaning for your partner it sounds a bit like the pot calling the kettle black!

Both of them sound inconsiderate and you're trapped in the middle.

Sounds difficult op.
You’re doing your best to manage a difficult situation. Could you help your son to find a house-share. The trouble is , if he’s messy and brings loads of people over, he’s likely to upset the others in the house.
I was very messy in my late tennis snd it did upset people, could you sit down and have a long chat with your son about your worries?
good luck. It’s horrible having all that tension in your hind, with your partner.

Get rid of both lazy sponging and disrespectful adult males OP, you'll feel happier for it xx

I think your ds needs to get his own place now and spread his wings. It sounds like your dp has had enough. Your post does seem to consistently excuse your ds behaviour and this probably annoys your dp.

How does your ds get on with his siblings?

Worse case scenario, if this caused you and dp to split up could you manage on your own financially?

Edit. Aaaaahh didn’t see the comment about the debt!

Why did you stay with a partner who clearly doesn't like your own son?

Why would your son cooking in the kitchen at 9:30 mean there are suddenly bugs in there? Your partner sounds like a complete weirdo to me.

Your partner also 'has a lot of debt' even though he is living in your house - why are you entertaining someone like that? Sounds like a cocklodger to me, and he doesn't have the excuse of being 19.

I'd get rid of the loser of a boyfriend. Then you can rebuild your relationship with your son.

Thanks, my post might have made it seem like he had friends over tonight but he didn’t. I think he just boiled a couple of eggs without the extractor fan on! I am not making excuses for him, he definitely has been told to buck up his ideas before. I even had him leave for a while while still 17. I just feel like partner will be upset over even the small things now so it’s past repair.

Im not minimising his stuff getting damaged, I made my son leave and apologise when he returned Also, the stuff wasn’t thrown away and I never saw the damage so whilst unacceptable I think maybe exaggerated as partner was already frustrated with my son.

I do know this is a public forum but there’s a big difference it staying on the site and being put on FB, I asked politely.

I bet you feel like walking away from.the whole mess.

What would happen if you just stopped trying to manage everyone's feelings? Let your son be messy to the extent you're comfortable with and told your partner to pull his weight (if you cook, he washes up etc).

Where I'm sitting, it looks like both men in your life are having a bit of a free ride at your expense.

Your son is an adult and working ft.

I think it's time he flew the nest - as much for his own sake as anyone else's. When he has to clear up his own mess he'll really start to grow up.

Son needs to move out. He’s an adult. We got told to move out at 18 and told we were so loved but now it was time to spread our wings and fly. We could go home in the event of an emergency but expected to be adults and responsible for own bills household chores etc. this was 2014 so not decades ago

If this is too outing, get it deleted.

By posting here, you are accepting it can get shared to facebook and on any newspaper site or social media site globally.

Hes your son, why are you allowing your partner to force you basically to move out your own son? Your son comes first. Your partner sounds really rigid (possible NT?) why would there be bugs in the kitchen from your son cooking at 9.30pm? Sorry but its like hes looking for a reason to get rid of him which isnt fair on your son.

I think this whole time you’ve been misdirecting the blame. It sounds like your partner is the arsehole here. Your son has had to live with someone who doesn’t like him and treats him with contempt for years. Mess and selfishness is absolutely standard teenage stuff, not all but it’s ‘normal’. Not excusing it but it’s not massively unusual.

what does your partner bring to your life. It’s your house, you do everything for him, you run yourself ragged cleaning up so that he doesn’t get angry.

the partner should have gone years ago/never moved in

Your son probably feels pushed out of his own home by your partner .
i would always prioritise my relationship with my son, regardless of his age , over any partner - else you risk losing your son . I would never sacrifice a relationship with one of my children for a partner.

Your son boiled a couple of eggs without the extractor fan on and your partner got upset with him! That's ridiculous. I wouldn't be chucking out my 19yo son because this man wants me to.

Your oh sounds awful. Horrible and controlling. You sound henpeckd and stepping on eggshells. The hygiene issue is a family issue and it sounds like you've taken more responsibility for that, well done it is hard i know. Your son comes first, you know that.

Also he gave him a car and didn't sell it! So?? What kind of low bar is that for step parenting?? You risk losing your son imo.

Sounds like a partner problem. I hardly ever use my extractor unless it’s a big meal or something really Smokey. It must be awful for your son to live in such a hostile environment

It’s so hard. I don’t want my younger children to have a broken home but I can’t carry on like this (I’m not even sure what OH thinks will happen if we split and he can’t afford to move out because he would still have to put up with my son anyway which is quite comical in a dark way) It’s also hard when some people think at 19 he should go and others think I should tell OH to go.

Basically, two things are true at the same time, OH is being harsh about small things and son takes / took the piss and I’m stuck in the middle.

I don’t think it’s really normal to live with someone else’s adult kids. A lot of people don’t even want to live with their own adult kids.

I’d discuss a deadline for your son to move out (a year or two?) so everyone’s clear. He can’t expect to be subsidised indefinitely whilst being messy and rude.

I think your son needs his own place TBH. Not to say that he’s “to blame” but obviously your partner has had enough and he’s now hyper-sensitive to everything your son does. I know lots of kids stay at home these days but if he’s working full time can’t he afford a house share at least? I left at 18 for uni and never lived at home again permanently- and when I was home in the holidays I paid rent.

I think they both sound extremely difficult. It's a really tricky one because I wouldn't want to throw my child out either unless I absolutely had to.

It sounds like your partner has developed a fixation with the possibility of bugs because of what happened which is understandable but at the same time your son is allowed to cook (but he should be opening windows and cleaning up after himself.

I would probably only allow son to use the kitchen IF he is cleaning up after himself. Sorry I didn't read every single line but you should not be washing up after him or collecting rubbish from his room. That's a show of complete disrespect for you. I would lay this out clearly to your son and set a rent amount immediately too. Even when I only worked 2 days per week at my first job my mum still charged me board. You have been letting him take the piss quite a lot.

I think another thing to ask is would your partner want you to throw out one of his bio children if they behaved like this.