To refuse to ask son to leave?

[Dishwater]

Please don’t post on social media as it is too outing.

Ok, this is long - sorry.

I am really struggling with this and would like to see how other people would deal with this situation.

i have a 19 year old son. I will give some background to try and be fair to all the people involved because it isn’t as straightforward (I think) because of some of these details. My son isn’t my partners but he hasn’t seen his own Dad in a number of years. My son has been difficult. He is exceptionally messy and selfish. In our previous home he completely hoarded rubbish in his room to the point it attracted bugs and furniture and walls were damaged which I know is really bad( this happened several times despite my please to improve / going in and helping / getting cross etc). Since we moved house I go into his room daily and he has improved some but likewise I take out any rubbish and grab his washing and generally tidy around. My partner hasn’t really gotten over my son having some friends around when we were away for 2 nights a year ago because some of partners things were damaged - sporting equipment. Son denied this initially, I asked him to leave temporarily because it wasn’t pleasant and he stayed at a friends but his birthday was coming up and I felt awful that he wasn’t at home so agreed that he could come back. My partner really just gets annoyed by everything my son does so I have spent years cleaning up after him before my partner sees any mess and it’s really taken its toll. Please don’t think I haven’t asked son to be more careful when doing certain things - wipe up after cooking, don’t use metal utensils on non scratch pans etc etc. but it does feel like I’m constantly moaning at him and I’m not sure if some of the smaller things would bother me quite as much as it bothers my partner, I know teenagers are messy etc. my son is also quite disrespectful at times, he will not answer me if he doesn’t like something I say but he has never sworn at me or said he hates me or anything like I sometimes see others say about their teenagers.

When we moved house I sat down and asked my partner what we needed to do to improve things so that he felt better about things, he said we should ask for a financial contribution and ask son to be tidier. My son wasn’t working FT so didn’t really have money at all, a very small amount. Son has now got a FT jobs so I approached the subject with him a few days ago (did post for advice on here) and son was receptive but we haven’t set an amount yet because h wasn’t home for 7 weeks.

Fast forward to last night, son went out with friends and came home around 9.30pm, partner went into the kitchen and came back agitated and said ‘there might be bugs in the kitchen, I’ve had to open the window, he is cooking and all the windows are steamed up, I see we’re back to being a free hotel again.’ And then he said he was going for a walk, no shouting but clearly very upset. I asked him what he wants me to do? Do you want a curfew for cooking? Do you want me to insist that I do the cooking for son? I told him he was going to contribute financially and he just said ‘I just want peace and stability, this isn’t for me.’ I think he’s referring to the fact that just doesn’t want him here to be honest. My son has a GF that he spent 7 weeks with without coming home. Before that he was spending 3-4 nights at home and the rest at his GF’s so I think that’s stopped this problem arising again because it’s just been short stints of having him. I have also told my son that it is difficult when we don’t know when he’s coming and going and I would be happy to say that he has to give us his schedule. (This is true but I think maybe it’s because I’m so anxious that my partner will be pissed off that’s I’m not even actually sure how I feel about it anymore) I am upset and a little angry that my partner is barely speaking to me because I haven’t actually done anything wrong! It doesn’t feel like much of a team if I have to shoulder the burden and blame. I’ve told him numerous times to just say to son ‘please put the extractor on.’ Or appropriate things as and when he sees something that is bothering him but he doesn’t.

I have two younger children with my partner, one is disabled, I do completely understand why my partner finds this situation difficult. But at 19 I can’t just ask my son to leave home can I? What can I actually do? Other than ask for a contribution and continually remind son to be tidier. I don’t think my partner will be happy while we he’s here to be honest (he is self aware enough to know he can’t outwardly say make he wants me to ask him to leave.)

I should add that I do a lot for my partner, I think that’s relevant because it’s not like he’s got all his life together if you know what I mean. I cook every meal, wash every pot, I don’t get on at him when he’s messy etc. But then I should also add that my partner gave my son his first car and could have sold it so I feel so conflicted about it all. I’m also not really happy with son coming and going but I can definitely put my foot down but I haven’t because I think I know deep down that my partner still wouldn’t be happy.

It’s my house btw but there’s no way my partner could afford to leave, he has a lot of debt.

I really don’t know what to do here. Partner and I get along well when son isn’t here but he’s my child at the end of the day.

Any words of wisdom?

How much does your partner contribute to your bills ?
I appreciate it is very hard for you with two younger shared children, but you hold quite a few of the cards here if you are the provider, yet you seem so anxious about your partner’s reactions. Is seeing an independent counselor a possibility for you (if you do not have shared finances, just don’t tell anyone and go for a few consults, just to get an objective opinion, where you can share the facts more freely than a forum also)

You can really tell he is not his father. Be completely different if he was.
How many parents on here can say they have had teens throw a party and break something? Or did that themselves when young .
But did they all get kicked out? Or punished for years over it ?
He cooked some eggs . Really dramatic response from your dh.
Bugs coming in? Bloody hell can you not open windows for fear of bugs ? Thats mad in itself.
He is in debt and lazy so not exactly a good example either
But he is pushing you to kick your son out .
I do agree your son needs to keep his room tidy . But other then that he sounds like a normal teen

Forgetting your partner for a moment.

Your son has absolutely no respect for you at all, he doesn't listen to you, he is 'messy and selfish' (your words), and he doesn't care that you do everything for him, being so utterly lazy that you have to go and clean in his room every day is disgusting OP, he's taking you for a bloody mug.

There has been a real breakdown in parent/child respect and he thinks it's your job to clear up his mess every minute of the day, he literally has no consideration for you at all, and as a partner of yours I'd struggle with his attitude towards you and I'd be angry at you for pandering to it to be honest.. this is where the main problem lies IMO.

When your partner complains, you rush to placate him with ideas of what YOU can do to make your sons presence in the house more tolerable, it's batshit!.. it sounds like you've done this for a long time without realising and now you have a son who does absolutely fuck all because you do it all for him, and a partner who expects you to deal with the carnage your son creates because you are the one that has failed to set rules about respectful cohabitation.

Charge him board straight away (should have been anyway, no matter what he is earning) and stop doing everything for him, explain to him what is expected of him and if he can't live respectfully in the house then he should find somewhere else to live and bloody mean it, how long are you going to let this go on?

Then have a serious think if your partner is a decent partner fed up to the back teeth with this situation, or is he is actually a horrible partner who is using this situation as an excuse to complain all the time, and drag you down.. if your son has been gone for 7 weeks you should have an idea as to the answer to that question.

You’ve hit the nail on the head by saying that your dp is annoyed with everything that your son does! To me this isn’t a ds issue, it’s a dp one!
Speak to your son and set some firm boundaries… and do the same for your dp and stop running around after him and get him to sort his debts out asap or get help to get this in order…
As it’s your house, it’s up to you to ask your son for financial contribution towards housekeeping if that’s what you want - your house, your rules. I believe that a home should be a safe haven for your children and not for a dp to try and sabotage that dynamic…

i didn’t mean to trigger you. Sorry if it hurt you, of course I think about the guilt I feel about my oldest son having gone through a separation and it makes all this harder.

When he said he will leave, I would have said "I completely understand, take a few days and then get in touch and let me know when you want to come and take the youngest children out."

I would help your DS find a room in a shared house. If he’s messy there his housemates might be able to manage him better (or the landlord).

As the mother of two boys I would be keeping my son and kicking out the over fussy, unstable sounding bf. Getting his knickers in a twist because your son boiled an egg without putting the fan on and imaganing bugs because of it, man sounds barmy and controlling.

I can empathise a little. I have a teenage son and a husband who don't massively get on. But you need to do better in teaching your DS to be a decent housemate. He's not a child any more, he's a young man and he's not pleasant to live with at all. I get the resistance to constant nagging but the alternative is the terrible pattern you're in where you tidy and clean and enable DS to avoid conflict. What kind of adult/housemate/partner do you think he's going to be if you carry on this way?

Maybe he has seen you doing everything for your partner so thinks its normal.

He should be contributing if he is living there and working FT. Give him an ultimatum about his room and attitude, etc.

I think your partner has got used to him not being there and liked it.

When he said he would leave, you should have just said ok then. He has no intention of leaving, he just wants you to think he will. Nothing your son does will ever be good enough, you do realise that don't you. Your son doesnt sound that bad to me. Ok, he's a bit mesy and lazy but that could be said for a lot of 19 year olds. I mean, being pissed off because your kid is cooking boiled eggs......what the actual fuck. Why are you putting up with this utter bullshit? There is no way a man would come and live in my house and treat my kid like that, I would be firmly getting his arse out the door. Seriously, why are you allowing your son to be treated like a second rate citizen in his own home. If you don't sort this out, you are going to irrepairably damage your relationship with your son for ever.

I imagine you will find once your partner is gone, your son will probably pull his socks up and start working with you. Walking on egg shells is fucking awful, and the fact that you are the one allowing this to happen is crazy.

Did you read the rest of it? The egg isn't the issue. The son is filthy, disrespectful and lazy. He's 19, and adult, and should be pulling his weight in the home, or at the very least looking after himself.

Your partner sounds a bit manipulative here. He has no intention of actually leaving IMO, he's just threatening it so that you'll kick your son out. Could you and DP attend counselling together and try to talk through some of these issues?

Perhaps you need to be a bit more selfish OP.

What would make YOUR life better, living with your son or your partner?

Neither of them are putting you first, think about it.

Haven’t rtft- it sounds difficult- in some areas your son is being unreasonable but in some ways your partner is being totally unreasonable- cooking at 9.30pm hardly the middle of the night and a bit of steam is a massive over reaction on your partners part. The house is yours and you say you do everything for your partner too- well he needs to get a grip and start cleaning up too but cheeky to expect your son to be doing a PM thing that your partner isn’t doing. Do you pay for most things too OP? That would be interesting to know. If you kick your son out then he will always know you put your partner first

I think your DP is being ridiculous tbh.

It's YOUR house but yet is complaining about YOUR son.

Yes, at 19 he should be a bit more mindful, but fgs he is 19. Putting an extractor fan on is probably the furthest thing from his mind.

Yes I have grown up DS's and yes I have encountered these problems, it is all part of growing up. DS2 was the worst for it and some of the things he did caused us no end of frustration.

Why did DS come back home from GFs? Did the occupants of where ever he was living get pissed off with his untidyness etc and tell him to bugger off? If that's the case then DS needs to buck his ideas up, pay rent and be respectful of where he lives.

I think you need a house reset and set out some ground rules for both these men and stop being walked over as it sounds like you have a busy life with two other children anyway and you shouldn't be being used as a doormat. If they don't improve then ask both to leave for your sanity.

I’m also not really happy with son coming and going but I can definitely put my foot down but I haven’t because I think I know deep down that my partner still wouldn’t be happy.

So it’s your P’s way or the Highway. He is setting you up to fail

It’s my house btw but there’s no way my partner could afford to leave, he has a lot of debt.

So your DP has no more rights to call the shots than your Ds. But thinks he can rule the roost. And he has you running round cooking, cleaning after him

It was calmer when your Ds was away because your DH had you all to himself, running around after him and HIS children.

And he is behaving like a child, his emotional manipulation and sulking.

Get your Ds to make a fair contribution, and give him his own key. What’s this ‘he took a key’?

I don’t agree with those saying that this is a DP issue. Your son is disrespectful to you and to his siblings, if he is that messy and he doesn’t contribute to the household. I would be having a very stern conversation with him - as in giving him an ultimatum about pulling his socks up or leaving. But you may feel that you’ve talked to him too many times already.

19 year olds don’t need to live at home. This wouldn’t be exactly “kicking him out” as some have said. He works full-time. He lived with his girlfriend for 7 weeks. Is there a reason why he can’t continue to live with his girlfriend or to find a room in a shared house? Most 19 year olds are away at uni, many in shared houses.

Ok imagine the partner was not there, would the way your son is be acceptable regardless?

Yes children should come before partners but there has to be a line, partner leaves then what? Will he still be the same?

I would let your OH go.

Your son might shape up a lot better without him around.

Sounds to me as if you are the main earner & do everything else.

Your son perhaps feels why should he contribute when the other adult male doesn't?

I think you are at fault here. Firstly for raising a child that is so incompetent and lazy and secondly for waiting on your DH. Set some boundaries and stick to them.

What a drama.

It was 9.30pm and a boiled egg. But of course, it wasn’t really about the boiled egg.

Your OH needs to grow up. Kids make mistakes and are selfish, we parent, we teach and we encourage and support them to become capable adults. You don’t hold grudges and punish for years over misdemeanours.

Your DS needs his own key, needs to pay rent and needs to respect his home.

Has your partner always been on your sons back ? Does he treat his kids that he has with you the same ? He sounds like an absolute areshole to me and like your son can't do right for doing wrong.......no doubt if he'd put the extractor on for boiling a few eggs the stepdad would have been at him for wasting electricity 🙄

I think you need to sit and have a good think about the history of the relationship between them and if you yourself have been guilty of prioritising your own happiness and relationship above yourself. I myself couldn't live like that, putting everything into my younger kids whilst accepting that my son is pushed out. And whilst 19 is classed as an adult let's face it he really isn't. He's still young and he was also your baby once......from where I'm looking the stepdad is the issue. He wants him gone and he'll do whatever it takes to make that happen. Don't allow him to do this.

If your son was your partners he’d be a lot more tolerant and kind to him.

Your partner is actually the real problem here let’s be honest!! Is he paying the bills/rent etc? Just get him to leave - partner - as your children are number 1 and your poor son has been treated appallingly! You will find it a lot easier to live with him without your parter and probably a lot of his behaviour calms down when your partner goes. He is clearly affecting your sons mental health because this is what this hoarding etc is a symptom of