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Original poster

To refuse to ask son to leave?

280 replies

Dishwater · 09/10/2025 08:19

Please don’t post on social media as it is too outing.

Ok, this is long - sorry.

I am really struggling with this and would like to see how other people would deal with this situation.

i have a 19 year old son. I will give some background to try and be fair to all the people involved because it isn’t as straightforward (I think) because of some of these details. My son isn’t my partners but he hasn’t seen his own Dad in a number of years. My son has been difficult. He is exceptionally messy and selfish. In our previous home he completely hoarded rubbish in his room to the point it attracted bugs and furniture and walls were damaged which I know is really bad( this happened several times despite my please to improve / going in and helping / getting cross etc). Since we moved house I go into his room daily and he has improved some but likewise I take out any rubbish and grab his washing and generally tidy around. My partner hasn’t really gotten over my son having some friends around when we were away for 2 nights a year ago because some of partners things were damaged - sporting equipment. Son denied this initially, I asked him to leave temporarily because it wasn’t pleasant and he stayed at a friends but his birthday was coming up and I felt awful that he wasn’t at home so agreed that he could come back. My partner really just gets annoyed by everything my son does so I have spent years cleaning up after him before my partner sees any mess and it’s really taken its toll. Please don’t think I haven’t asked son to be more careful when doing certain things - wipe up after cooking, don’t use metal utensils on non scratch pans etc etc. but it does feel like I’m constantly moaning at him and I’m not sure if some of the smaller things would bother me quite as much as it bothers my partner, I know teenagers are messy etc. my son is also quite disrespectful at times, he will not answer me if he doesn’t like something I say but he has never sworn at me or said he hates me or anything like I sometimes see others say about their teenagers.

When we moved house I sat down and asked my partner what we needed to do to improve things so that he felt better about things, he said we should ask for a financial contribution and ask son to be tidier. My son wasn’t working FT so didn’t really have money at all, a very small amount. Son has now got a FT jobs so I approached the subject with him a few days ago (did post for advice on here) and son was receptive but we haven’t set an amount yet because h wasn’t home for 7 weeks.

Fast forward to last night, son went out with friends and came home around 9.30pm, partner went into the kitchen and came back agitated and said ‘there might be bugs in the kitchen, I’ve had to open the window, he is cooking and all the windows are steamed up, I see we’re back to being a free hotel again.’ And then he said he was going for a walk, no shouting but clearly very upset. I asked him what he wants me to do? Do you want a curfew for cooking? Do you want me to insist that I do the cooking for son? I told him he was going to contribute financially and he just said ‘I just want peace and stability, this isn’t for me.’ I think he’s referring to the fact that just doesn’t want him here to be honest. My son has a GF that he spent 7 weeks with without coming home. Before that he was spending 3-4 nights at home and the rest at his GF’s so I think that’s stopped this problem arising again because it’s just been short stints of having him. I have also told my son that it is difficult when we don’t know when he’s coming and going and I would be happy to say that he has to give us his schedule. (This is true but I think maybe it’s because I’m so anxious that my partner will be pissed off that’s I’m not even actually sure how I feel about it anymore) I am upset and a little angry that my partner is barely speaking to me because I haven’t actually done anything wrong! It doesn’t feel like much of a team if I have to shoulder the burden and blame. I’ve told him numerous times to just say to son ‘please put the extractor on.’ Or appropriate things as and when he sees something that is bothering him but he doesn’t.

I have two younger children with my partner, one is disabled, I do completely understand why my partner finds this situation difficult. But at 19 I can’t just ask my son to leave home can I? What can I actually do? Other than ask for a contribution and continually remind son to be tidier. I don’t think my partner will be happy while we he’s here to be honest (he is self aware enough to know he can’t outwardly say make he wants me to ask him to leave.)

I should add that I do a lot for my partner, I think that’s relevant because it’s not like he’s got all his life together if you know what I mean. I cook every meal, wash every pot, I don’t get on at him when he’s messy etc. But then I should also add that my partner gave my son his first car and could have sold it so I feel so conflicted about it all. I’m also not really happy with son coming and going but I can definitely put my foot down but I haven’t because I think I know deep down that my partner still wouldn’t be happy.

It’s my house btw but there’s no way my partner could afford to leave, he has a lot of debt.

I really don’t know what to do here. Partner and I get along well when son isn’t here but he’s my child at the end of the day.

Any words of wisdom?

OP posts:
IMustDoMoreExercise · 10/10/2025 21:51

Dishwater · 10/10/2025 18:52

I do think some people are hyper focussed on my OH and I do understand why. I maybe should have not said step Dad because it does sometimes feel like people grab onto that. Of course I haven’t got the room to say everything my son has don but I’ll give you an example, whilst he has improved, when I went into his room to get his washing he had toothpaste smeared on his newly decorated wall, wrappers on the floor and he had poured milk out of his bedroom window. I know people will think this is not a big deal but when you’ve had to go into his room multiple times, fix furniture he has broken ‘by accident’ (smashed light switch so I had to learn to rewire a new light switch, wardrobe door broken completely off, lumps of plaster out of the wall, a broken expensive bed, all of which happened on different occasions) and spoken to his within the last 3 months about making sure he doesn’t disrespect the thing he we’ve bought. It feels bad and it does need addressing.

Show quote history

I'm not sure anyone would say smearing toothpaste and pouring milk out the window are not bad.

I actually feel sorry for your husband. There is no way I would put up with your son even if I was his mother.

JungAtHeart · 10/10/2025 22:43

I’m sorry OP but your DS is nineteen! You cannot expect an adolescent (because that’s what their brains are until they’re 27!) behave like a fully formed, mature, sensible, thoughtful adult … because he isn’t one. Your partner sounds nitpicky, unreasonable and divisive. Have you considered how uncomfortable your DS feels in his own home? I have two teen DDs. I had a similar situation with my exH. Not their bio Father He found fault with everything. Like you I was always trying to stop him being upset with the mess, teen behaviour, attitude. And I finally just had enough. It’s been a year since we separated and we can all breathe again, relax be ourselves. My DDs aren’t perfect - they’re teenagers. And that’s completely normal!

RosaMundi27 · 10/10/2025 22:57

Honestly, I think your biggest problem is your partner, not your son. He's a grown man who contributes very little to the household as far as I can see. What is he bringing to the table?
Your son is immature and thoughtless and probably needs to move out and rent for a bit and just grow up.
But you'll still have to deal with your partner, and ask yourself why you're slaving for man who lives off you and is in debt?

RoseAlone · 10/10/2025 23:00

Your partner is the problem, not your son. If anyone goes it needs to be him.

Butterflywings84 · 10/10/2025 23:18

Dishwater · 10/10/2025 18:52

I do think some people are hyper focussed on my OH and I do understand why. I maybe should have not said step Dad because it does sometimes feel like people grab onto that. Of course I haven’t got the room to say everything my son has don but I’ll give you an example, whilst he has improved, when I went into his room to get his washing he had toothpaste smeared on his newly decorated wall, wrappers on the floor and he had poured milk out of his bedroom window. I know people will think this is not a big deal but when you’ve had to go into his room multiple times, fix furniture he has broken ‘by accident’ (smashed light switch so I had to learn to rewire a new light switch, wardrobe door broken completely off, lumps of plaster out of the wall, a broken expensive bed, all of which happened on different occasions) and spoken to his within the last 3 months about making sure he doesn’t disrespect the thing he we’ve bought. It feels bad and it does need addressing.

Show quote history

What on earth does he do in there to course that sort of damage?! Does he have underlying issues? Toothpaste on the wall and milk out of a window is not normal.

Original poster
Dishwater · 10/10/2025 23:32

Butterflywings84 · 10/10/2025 23:18

What on earth does he do in there to course that sort of damage?! Does he have underlying issues? Toothpaste on the wall and milk out of a window is not normal.

Show quote history

He doesn’t wipe his hands after he’s done anything. I know it sounds really weird and I can’t explain it to you, it’s not intentional so it’s not smeared purposely but he just never wipes his hands so any ketchup on them ends up on the cupboard door. He obviously had some toothpaste on his hands after bridging his teeth. I know it sounds mental but what do you actually do about it? I pass him a wet wipe when he eats around me and say ‘please wipe your hands so you don’t get x,y, z on anything.’ Or I’ve gotten cross when I’ve seen something messy like a dirty handprint (only when I realised it was an issue, I’m not a complete clean freak) But how many times can you say that to a person before they get the message?!? It feels like constant nagging and that’s horrible. In terms of damage he went through a period of being angry so that was the light switch. He said that the wardrobe was accidental (impossible) I don’t know what to say because it doesn’t sound real. People have called me heartless on here and some have said that I am cruel for asking him to leave for a while but if I had posted just about him and not mentioned my OH I suspect I would have been told that I shouldn’t be putting up with him anymore - I can’t win! I’m trying and reminding all the time and it has gotten better but I think that’s just because he isn’t here as much. My OH has overreacted a lot, especially this time but I can see why he would have had enough because frankly so have I. But I’m not being made to choose between them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dishwater · 10/10/2025 23:35

IMustDoMoreExercise · 10/10/2025 21:51

I'm not sure anyone would say smearing toothpaste and pouring milk out the window are not bad.

I actually feel sorry for your husband. There is no way I would put up with your son even if I was his mother.

Show quote history

See this is what I mean! Some people absolutely wouldn’t want him around anymore. I believe that this incident was a complete overreaction on my OH’s part but I can genuinely see why he wouldn’t want to live with someone that has caused damage and is so messy. I feel like I cannot win.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dishwater · 10/10/2025 23:39

Shegotanology · 10/10/2025 19:54

If that's the case, you and DH both, need to sit down and have a word with your son. Tell him how it's going to be from now on and the consequences if nothing changes.

But I have. I have literally said to him twice now that if he does this again (let his room get damaged and so disgusting) that he would need to leave. He did it again. Now I’m going in and making sure it doesn’t happen but where do you draw the line? At what point is it enough?

OP posts:
CautiousLurker01 · 11/10/2025 00:59

Dishwater · 10/10/2025 23:39

But I have. I have literally said to him twice now that if he does this again (let his room get damaged and so disgusting) that he would need to leave. He did it again. Now I’m going in and making sure it doesn’t happen but where do you draw the line? At what point is it enough?

Show quote history

Well, you said if it happened again he would have to leave… so if you want to have any power to your words, you now have to ask him to leave. You never follow through on your threats so they are meaningless.

I’d issue him a letter of eviction, with a ‘leave by’ date, and he can take it with him to the local council to apply for social housing. Otherwise you’ll be posting this again in 5 years when he won’t have got any better. My autistic 20 yr old has just moved into uni accommodation and she’s coping. Your son will too.

Then I’d sort out DP…

BooneyBeautiful · 11/10/2025 01:44

ComfortFoodCafe · 09/10/2025 08:51

Hes your son, why are you allowing your partner to force you basically to move out your own son? Your son comes first. Your partner sounds really rigid (possible NT?) why would there be bugs in the kitchen from your son cooking at 9.30pm? Sorry but its like hes looking for a reason to get rid of him which isnt fair on your son.

I think OP means her DP opened the kitchen window to let the steam out, and therefore some bugs may have got in.

176509user · 11/10/2025 02:42

It sounds a very stressful situation for you OP. You're stuck in the middle between 2 men who won’t pull their weight.

You absolutely can take control of the situation even if it seems you can’t. You just have to want to do it.

Your DP sounds useless and lazy as well as emotionally abusive. He’s a bad role model to your son and to your younger children.The younger children will be learnin from him that it’s ok to sulk when things don’t go as planned and it’s ok to treat women like skivvies. If you have a DD she will learn that it’s OK for a partner to expect her to do everything while he puts his feet up.If you have a younger DS, he will learn the negative traits of laziness and treating women as as skivvies.

You DS sounds as if he may still have some mental health issues. Could he have ADHD as I know from experience that messiness is a common trait? I bet there are a whole load of issues he may want to talk to you about but feels he can’t because of your loyalty to DP.

If you DP decides to leave, you have to decide whether you want him to be allowed to just walk back in as and when he likes. It’s for you to decide if you want the locks changed. He’s a grown man and despite his debts, he’s not your problem to fix. Threatening to leave is just a way of messing with your mind. You really don’t have to put up with it.

So, your situation can greatly improve by removing one of the aggravating factors. Your DS or the lazy entitled partner. If it was me I’d be removing the partner for everyone’s sake. You may find that DS behaviour improves when DP has gone from his life.
How old was your DS when you moved DP into his home ?

Cherrysoup · 11/10/2025 09:09

Dishwater · 10/10/2025 23:39

But I have. I have literally said to him twice now that if he does this again (let his room get damaged and so disgusting) that he would need to leave. He did it again. Now I’m going in and making sure it doesn’t happen but where do you draw the line? At what point is it enough?

Show quote history

When he did it again and you’d already told him he’d have to go if it happened again. It did and you gave him an empty threat.

MrsJeanLuc · 11/10/2025 09:52

Cherrysoup · 11/10/2025 09:09

When he did it again and you’d already told him he’d have to go if it happened again. It did and you gave him an empty threat.

Show quote history

Exactly.

@Dishwater how do you ever hope to get control of this situation if you issue threats you have no intention of following through!

Your DS needs to see consequences to his actions. You find a mucky handprint - then go find him and make him clean it up. Every time.
He won't? Then turn the router off and hide it.
He damages/destroys things - cancel his mobile phone contract. You need to find things you CAN do that he will care about.

NB: I'm not suggesting you suddenly impose some draconian regime, you would take these actions in combination with talking calmly with him about creating and maintaining a pleasant environment for everyone.

ThatBlackCat · 11/10/2025 10:31

Dishwater · 10/10/2025 18:52

I do think some people are hyper focussed on my OH and I do understand why. I maybe should have not said step Dad because it does sometimes feel like people grab onto that. Of course I haven’t got the room to say everything my son has don but I’ll give you an example, whilst he has improved, when I went into his room to get his washing he had toothpaste smeared on his newly decorated wall, wrappers on the floor and he had poured milk out of his bedroom window. I know people will think this is not a big deal but when you’ve had to go into his room multiple times, fix furniture he has broken ‘by accident’ (smashed light switch so I had to learn to rewire a new light switch, wardrobe door broken completely off, lumps of plaster out of the wall, a broken expensive bed, all of which happened on different occasions) and spoken to his within the last 3 months about making sure he doesn’t disrespect the thing he we’ve bought. It feels bad and it does need addressing.

Show quote history

Which is exactly why I think it's way past time you made him leave for good. That is not normal in any house for anyone to do that much damage. It's simply not normal! You need to get him to leave!

ThatBlackCat · 11/10/2025 10:38

MrsJeanLuc · 10/10/2025 20:56

@Dishwater , I haven't read every word on this thread, but I have read your posts and I think your partner (OH = other half?) is a bigger problem than your son. Yes your son is taking the piss a bit, but he's 19, and I think without your partner muddying the waters you would find it easier to set your expectations and agree a way forward that you can both live with.

I am going to suggest something you probably haven't thought about, but you are the head of this household - "My house, no mortgage and I pay most bills like council tax, water, utilities" - and I think you should start behaving like it. If your OH behaves in ways you don't like, then tell him. Same goes for your son. It's up to you to decide how you want to live, set some boundaries/rules and stick to them.

Then maybe you should read this as her son is a monster and destructive wrecking ball who to me sounds like he needs to be in a mental health facility, because none of this behaviour is remotely normal:

Of course I haven’t got the room to say everything my son has don but I’ll give you an example, whilst he has improved, when I went into his room to get his washing he had toothpaste smeared on his newly decorated wall, wrappers on the floor and he had poured milk out of his bedroom window. I know people will think this is not a big deal but when you’ve had to go into his room multiple times, fix furniture he has broken ‘by accident’ (smashed light switch so I had to learn to rewire a new light switch, wardrobe door broken completely off, lumps of plaster out of the wall, a broken expensive bed, all of which happened on different occasions) and spoken to his within the last 3 months about making sure he doesn’t disrespect the thing he we’ve bought.

BlueMum16 · 11/10/2025 11:11

Dishwater · 10/10/2025 23:39

But I have. I have literally said to him twice now that if he does this again (let his room get damaged and so disgusting) that he would need to leave. He did it again. Now I’m going in and making sure it doesn’t happen but where do you draw the line? At what point is it enough?

Show quote history

So with the toothpaste on the wall you take DS back in their and make him clean it. Same with the milk.

You need to pull him up EVERY time there's minor damage (which both these incidents are) so he is reminded what is and isn't acceptable.

Cooking eggs and steaming windows is fine.
A splash of water on the floor after a shower not a massive issue but he needs to consider acceptable behaviour.

I agree with PP who said your DS sees you do everything for DH (and I'm assuming other DC) and sees nothing wrong with his mum picking up after him too.

Your DH is a bully. He's using this as an excuse. I wouldn't be surprised if he wants to end you relationship and is using DC as the wedge between you.

Please pick your DC but mould DS into an adult who can support himself both financially and in a home.

Shotokan101 · 11/10/2025 13:22

Dishwater · 09/10/2025 08:19

Please don’t post on social media as it is too outing.

Ok, this is long - sorry.

I am really struggling with this and would like to see how other people would deal with this situation.

i have a 19 year old son. I will give some background to try and be fair to all the people involved because it isn’t as straightforward (I think) because of some of these details. My son isn’t my partners but he hasn’t seen his own Dad in a number of years. My son has been difficult. He is exceptionally messy and selfish. In our previous home he completely hoarded rubbish in his room to the point it attracted bugs and furniture and walls were damaged which I know is really bad( this happened several times despite my please to improve / going in and helping / getting cross etc). Since we moved house I go into his room daily and he has improved some but likewise I take out any rubbish and grab his washing and generally tidy around. My partner hasn’t really gotten over my son having some friends around when we were away for 2 nights a year ago because some of partners things were damaged - sporting equipment. Son denied this initially, I asked him to leave temporarily because it wasn’t pleasant and he stayed at a friends but his birthday was coming up and I felt awful that he wasn’t at home so agreed that he could come back. My partner really just gets annoyed by everything my son does so I have spent years cleaning up after him before my partner sees any mess and it’s really taken its toll. Please don’t think I haven’t asked son to be more careful when doing certain things - wipe up after cooking, don’t use metal utensils on non scratch pans etc etc. but it does feel like I’m constantly moaning at him and I’m not sure if some of the smaller things would bother me quite as much as it bothers my partner, I know teenagers are messy etc. my son is also quite disrespectful at times, he will not answer me if he doesn’t like something I say but he has never sworn at me or said he hates me or anything like I sometimes see others say about their teenagers.

When we moved house I sat down and asked my partner what we needed to do to improve things so that he felt better about things, he said we should ask for a financial contribution and ask son to be tidier. My son wasn’t working FT so didn’t really have money at all, a very small amount. Son has now got a FT jobs so I approached the subject with him a few days ago (did post for advice on here) and son was receptive but we haven’t set an amount yet because h wasn’t home for 7 weeks.

Fast forward to last night, son went out with friends and came home around 9.30pm, partner went into the kitchen and came back agitated and said ‘there might be bugs in the kitchen, I’ve had to open the window, he is cooking and all the windows are steamed up, I see we’re back to being a free hotel again.’ And then he said he was going for a walk, no shouting but clearly very upset. I asked him what he wants me to do? Do you want a curfew for cooking? Do you want me to insist that I do the cooking for son? I told him he was going to contribute financially and he just said ‘I just want peace and stability, this isn’t for me.’ I think he’s referring to the fact that just doesn’t want him here to be honest. My son has a GF that he spent 7 weeks with without coming home. Before that he was spending 3-4 nights at home and the rest at his GF’s so I think that’s stopped this problem arising again because it’s just been short stints of having him. I have also told my son that it is difficult when we don’t know when he’s coming and going and I would be happy to say that he has to give us his schedule. (This is true but I think maybe it’s because I’m so anxious that my partner will be pissed off that’s I’m not even actually sure how I feel about it anymore) I am upset and a little angry that my partner is barely speaking to me because I haven’t actually done anything wrong! It doesn’t feel like much of a team if I have to shoulder the burden and blame. I’ve told him numerous times to just say to son ‘please put the extractor on.’ Or appropriate things as and when he sees something that is bothering him but he doesn’t.

I have two younger children with my partner, one is disabled, I do completely understand why my partner finds this situation difficult. But at 19 I can’t just ask my son to leave home can I? What can I actually do? Other than ask for a contribution and continually remind son to be tidier. I don’t think my partner will be happy while we he’s here to be honest (he is self aware enough to know he can’t outwardly say make he wants me to ask him to leave.)

I should add that I do a lot for my partner, I think that’s relevant because it’s not like he’s got all his life together if you know what I mean. I cook every meal, wash every pot, I don’t get on at him when he’s messy etc. But then I should also add that my partner gave my son his first car and could have sold it so I feel so conflicted about it all. I’m also not really happy with son coming and going but I can definitely put my foot down but I haven’t because I think I know deep down that my partner still wouldn’t be happy.

It’s my house btw but there’s no way my partner could afford to leave, he has a lot of debt.

I really don’t know what to do here. Partner and I get along well when son isn’t here but he’s my child at the end of the day.

Any words of wisdom?

Stop enabling your son's disgraceful selfish behaviour - that's my advice...... otherwise just ho all the way and get "Doormat" tattooed across your forehead and be done with it.....

Original poster
Dishwater · 11/10/2025 13:31

Shotokan101 · 11/10/2025 13:22

Stop enabling your son's disgraceful selfish behaviour - that's my advice...... otherwise just ho all the way and get "Doormat" tattooed across your forehead and be done with it.....

Show quote history

Thanks. My son stopped at home that night because frankly I wasn’t happy with my partners threats to leave and wanted to stand my ground. Son is at his GF’s right now and I am going to be honest I feel a little differently today, I know people think it’s weird but I don’t like not knowing when he will be home, I am forgiving myself for that because I do know that I am a good person and it is my home that I have worked for and I am a loving Mum, none of this is being said out of spite. It is also more peaceful when he isn’t here (but I am mindful that it may be because I pick up in partners mood) I am reflecting. I am leaning towards a suggestion that he pays some board but that he is saving to move out with an end in sight. I think he does need to stand on his own two feet and once he is 20 and the teenage years are gone I will feel more like it is okay to say that it’s time for him to do that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dishwater · 11/10/2025 13:34

Cherrysoup · 10/10/2025 20:16

You need to be a lot firmer with your ds. He sounds extremely uncaring and disrespectful. A friend’s dd had maggots in her room from similar mess. Friend gave her a deadline to sort out her room, dd moved out.

Your ds needs to pay keep, regardless of whether he’s there or at his gf’s. He needs to keep his room clean, he’s not a child. I’d say he should be considering moving out. Aren’t his gf’s parents sick of him always being there so much?

I’m not sure to be honest. I am going to ask him for a small amount of board and set some ground rules (like I already haven’t 😂) but some uodatws ones about his coming and going. I am leaning towards telling him he needs to look at moving out within the next 12 months.

OP posts:
beAsensible1 · 11/10/2025 17:29

Butterflywings84 · 10/10/2025 23:18

What on earth does he do in there to course that sort of damage?! Does he have underlying issues? Toothpaste on the wall and milk out of a window is not normal.

Show quote history

Because how does it toothpaste get on the wall?

is he dyspraxic @Dishwater because breaking light fixtures etc by being heavy handed repeatedly is a bit weird. Does he bump into things? Can he drive?

Original poster
Dishwater · 11/10/2025 20:29

beAsensible1 · 11/10/2025 17:29

Because how does it toothpaste get on the wall?

is he dyspraxic @Dishwater because breaking light fixtures etc by being heavy handed repeatedly is a bit weird. Does he bump into things? Can he drive?

Show quote history

He can drive yes, I paid for every lesson and my OH gave him a car so it’s not like we’ve washed our hands of him in any way (I know some people think I’m a monster). Maybe he is dyspraxic, one of my other children is autistic so it wouldn’t be a stretch.

OP posts:
JJMama · 12/10/2025 13:52

‘Partner’ sounds like a fuckwit. Be a mother to your son; help him move forward so he can help himself. The fact you’re jittery around your partner says everything.

Unview · 12/10/2025 14:07

I think he does need to stand on his own two feet and once he is 20 and the teenage years are gone I will feel more like it is okay to say that it’s time for him to do that

You first told him to leave at 17. He has been showing signs of emotional trauma - hoarding and so on - and not being able to manage without help - the help that you need to be giving him to help him function, rather than the constant criticism that he hears from your hideous P.

But you've already neatly moved onto him being out from under your feet asap.

Your DS very obviously has issues that need addressing. He needs to make changes himself, but he needs your help to do that. He is NOT a fully functioning adult with adult skills yet. He has had a pretty shit time of it for years and I feel really, really sorry for him.

I am leaning towards telling him he needs to look at moving out within the next 12 months

I have two teens myself - I know how things can be, but this is incredibly sad. Your poor son. He will be in no doubt that your P and your new family come first, and he just gets kicked to the kerb again for being a young person who is trying, failing sometimes, and struggling with some things.

I wasn't parented after the age of 17 - it caused me endless trauma, but I would have seemed 'fine' at the time. I feel for your son so, so much. After everything that people have discussed with you on this thread, it's horrible to read this.

Unview · 12/10/2025 14:10

it’s not like we’ve washed our hands of him in any way

You're literally planning to kick him out again, you've given him 12 months.

Maybe he is dyspraxic, one of my other children is autistic so it wouldn’t be a stretch

So explore that with him? Find out? If he's undiagnosed with any ND, then surely, surely you can see that is really bloody relevant to his behaviour? But yeah. Could be, who knows, ah well! Good luck out there, kid.

Beachtastic · 12/10/2025 19:12

OP you're in a horrible situation, I am sorry.

The things you describe your son doing are more than just carelessness. He seems to be acting out of some kind of fury and resentment. A PP suggested he's fed up of seeing you bossed around in your own home by someone who is not pulling his weight. It sounds as though he has no respect for your OH, and to be honest, from your posts, neither do you, at least right now!

Have you talked quietly with your son about what is making him so angry? This all seems to me to be way beyond house-training a teenager.