Partner’s son smashed telly again and DP says it’s my fault???

[AutumnSquashSoup]

honestly I’m shaking writing this I just don’t even know anymore 😭
so DP’s lad (14) was here last night and started kicking off cos I told him it was time to come off xbox for tea, next thing controller’s flying across the room and bang straight into the telly 😩 screen’s got this massive crack now all lines down it

DP comes home from work and instead of telling him off he starts having a go at ME saying I “wind the lad up” and “don’t know how to talk to teenagers” like sorry for trying to feed everyone?? I was literally making spag bol with baby on my hip and eldest climbing on the sofa again

now he’s stormed off in the van saying he’s not paying for another telly cos “it’s always drama in this house” well yeah maybe if you actually parented your kid for once 🙄

I don’t even know what to do anymore can’t afford a new one and kids are crying cos they can’t watch bluey
I’ve honestly tried with that boy but he just glares at me and calls me names under his breath

AIBU to think DP should pay for the telly and actually tell his son off properly for once??
not asking for judgement just advice pls

Check your local Facebook page and see if anyone is giving away a TV. Really sorry that this awful behaviour is happening to you and your children. It's not your fault.

Walk. Go and stay at a cheap local hotel. Stay with a friend or relative. Even if it's just for a few nights it'll shake them to their cores if they think you might be capable of messing with their cosy little nest. Sounds like they've all just got used to treating you so badly it's become normalised :-(

Poor kid. It's not the childs fault. It's his father's.

If I were you I'd leave. It's only going to get worse.

Sounds like the rubbish has taken itself out!

You need to set a boundary and say that you will not look after DSS any more and if he's at yours DH needs to be there with him.

Look up Nacho kids.

They both need to go. Doesn’t matter that you have children with him. I mean, look at what a great dad he is! You are doing a disservice to your children having them both around because they will eventually learn to behave exactly the same.

I have a young teen. There are some hormonal strops sometimes, yes. No one in my house has ever broken a tv. I understand teens perfectly well. This isn’t how they behave.

Sorry you are going through this. I think you have to say that his son is only allowed to be there if he is there to control him.
The son should be contributing (allowance) at lease in part to the TV. He needs a penalty

I wouldn't bother replacing the tv (it goes so much deeper than a broken television) . The stepson was rewarded for breaking it by his father backing him up and putting a divide between you. He will likely do it again.

Does your DP pay towards bills and food.
Does the son spend time at his mum's.

While he’s out, take the Xbox and sell it. Use the money to buy a TV then get rid of both of them. Their behaviour is completely unacceptable, abusive, and verging on dangerous.

I am not condoning the ss or dp bit i feel like there must be a back story. For a start, he didnt mean to break the tv and it sounds az tbough he eas acting oit of extreme frustration. Are you giving him plenty of warning before he has to come off? If you are playing some collaborative xbox games and a player just walks off in the middle of a game, it is extemely ride and stuffs it up for everyone else, and he will probably get a lot of verbal abuse for it.
It must be difficult for him at home with 2 much littler children who he is not a full sibling of, he will feel like the odd one out.
Cant he have the xbox in his room so he has a private place to escape to? Yoir dh isnt necessarily a dick. He just feels sorry for his boy. He is from a broken home. Your kids aren't

Stop making excuses for this dreadful behaviour.

OP, I know it's really hard, but you HAVE to stick up for yourself. TELL them that this is unacceptable. Lay down the law. Sit them down and tell them, in a strong voice, that they WILL treat you with respect, or you will break up this family. Dad will be up to his ears working to pay child support and there will be no more home-cooked family dinners. Inform DSD that he is going to pay x amount each week for the TV. It doesn't have to be the value of the TV - I mean, he's only 14 - but he should be sacrificing something from his pocket money each week.

Tell them that their behaviour is appalling and you don't expect to ever be spoken to like that again.

Too many men think that a woman is trapped by babies into accepting all their crap. Babies may affect our income, but they need not affect our personal power to say, "Do NOT treat me like that, or else."

I am so angry for you.

As gently as possible if the OP can't afford to replace the TV there is no way even a cheap hotel is on the cards. Xx

However I agree that trying to make moves to get out or get him out is for the best. He's a bloody bully and his son is following his example. Please try to contact refuge or womens aid and take care OP. Xx

That X-box would be drop-kicked to the moon for starters.

Life it too short to put up with this shit. The incident itself wouldn't be so bad if your DH actually parented his son instead of blaming you for him acting up. We don't know the backstory here for this teen. It is concerning if this has happened before but how are kids supposed to learn if their dad acts like your DP?!

People saying to kick him out should know that of course it isn't that easy. You may jointly own or rent the property, it may be his in which case you have no right to just pack his bags. People are asking these questions as it isn't easy to advise until those details are clear.

Even if the house is yours, I don't know how you get him to leave if he refuses. I had this with my ex, it was my house but because we were married, I wasn't able to just throw him out and change the locks because it was the marital home. He refused to go and moved into the spare room and we had years of separating and reconciling under the same roof. I wish now I had got legal advice and started divorce proceedings to bring things to a head but it can be hard when you work and are trying to co-parent.

I think the process is easier if you aren't married in that you are allowed to just change the locks. I would check with a lawyer first though.

Literally throwing someone out who doesn't want to go is a whole load of grief and more difficult I should think if they have nowhere to go and a child to house.

Did he/they come back last night? Does SS live with you full time or partly with his mum? Just wondering on the arrangements and if either you or they have anywhere else to go in the short term if you separate.

Standing up to an abusive man who seems to condone violence can be very dangerous for the woman. As I said before, op needs to contact Women's Aid . Trust me , I've been there, had the black eyes and broken ribs to prove it.

If your partner speaks to you like that in front of his son and excuses all of his behaviour then you’re never going to be able to get anywhere with him. More worryingly your partner might also do the same with your joint children when they’re older. I’d say don’t replace the tv and sit down and have a conversation with DP were you are very direct about the impact this is having and the need for change.

Whose name is on the mortgage or rent book?

Get rid of your DP. He is a useless parent and advocates violence.

It is possible to interact with a reactive teen in a way that soothes or inflames the situation.

it sounds like your partner feels you are causing unnecessary stress with his son. from the description you have given (a 14 year old who can be reactive and could just eat later on his own) it sounds like you picked an unnecessary fight as you were trying to do the right thing. It sounds like your partner would have handled this differently. I used to be like you, and overtime accepted that I had to be more relaxed like your partner. It wasn’t easy but it was necessary and so I have some sympathy with him

A lot of teenagers do resort to aggressive behaviour Unfortunately, girls do it too and it doesn’t mean they are inherently bad. As a stepmother you are in a particularly difficult position and it’s particularly difficult for your DS as well. If you’re going to continue to be in this young man’s life, then you are going to need to approach him very differently. Recommend CAPA first response as an amazing organisation which helps families whose children use aggression.

Xbox would be smashed for a start. Tell DP he winds you up so it’s his fault.

Then I’d go from there.

Quite.

This ^

how about he parents his own child so that he doesn’t think that kind of behaviour is acceptable. Assuming you will in fact stay with him, then I would refuse to have his son at your house when he’s not there so that you can’t be blamed. He shouldn’t be using you to look after his child, anyway.

Again? How many ones has this happened?