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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want stepson coming into the main house?

372 replies

Articlewait · 07/10/2025 20:17

DP has a 17 year old DS from a previous relationship.

He lives with us FT and has done for about 4 months. We moved about 5 years ago and we had an annexe in the garden, and it's his house basically. It has a tv and tv and a mini fridge in sort of a living room, his bedroom with a double bed and an en suite. He does need to come in the house for proper meals but the annexe has everything he needs really. Before he moved in FT this was his space when he stayed.

Anyway, we have some issues with him and his behaviour, he doesn't go to college, he stopped going to school so didn't get his GCSEs. He smokes weed and other drugs, the annexe is a total mess with cans and bottles everywhere. He never tidies it but somehow has no shame and invites other lads and girls over and when they're here they all come into the main house for food, he has a fridge with food and other snacks that he asked me to buy him so there's no need to come into the house unless for meals which it isn't

He disturbs my DC and always leaves the back door open, he uses our bathroom and wees everywhere and he's constantly in and out and complains he's “bored”, he came in today and left a can of energy drink on the side and then complained because I threw it away. The energy drinks are all he drinks, I'm not happy about it! He then started winding the DC up when they were quietly reading and generally giving an attitude and being not very nice. He then came back in about 20 minutes later demanding I cook him dinner.

DP is hardly ever here tbh, he also makes excuses for him. I dislike stepson, would it be U to ban him from the main house?

OP posts:
Flopsy145 · 07/10/2025 20:50

This is a father and son issue, and I say this as a mum and step mum
If my DSS presented with these issues or if I felt scared of him and unsure of whether I could trust him to not be violent, I would pass this on to DH for him to parent. He either needs to take care of his space and be responsible for it or he loses it/the privilege of having friends over for instance. The being scared bit though, what are you scared he's going to do, hit you? This is the hardest bit, the other issues are not super extreme but you should not be feeling unsafe in your home.

And before this aggravates the step mum hating group on Mumsnet, yes I would want my kids dad to absolutely tackle this if it were my bio kids behaving like this in this situation and I would support them being disciplined for disrespectful behaviour

Zempy · 07/10/2025 20:50

Where is he getting the money for his drinks and weed?

Your DP sounds useless. I wouldn’t live like this.

TheBlueHotel · 07/10/2025 20:51

Allthatshines1992 · 07/10/2025 20:48

He could say he is homeless as his Dad's wife doesn't want to continue to house him. Say he is sofa surfing at different friend's houses with no fixed abode.

Show quote history

Do you think they just take teenagers' word for it??

PinkCrab · 07/10/2025 20:51

I think jumping straight to banning from the house is a bit extreme but I understand how difficult the situation must be for you.

You need to sit down with him to agree some boundaries first of all. For example, no friends in the house unless previously agreed and not after a certain time. No aggression (but you need to define specifically what this means). Must actively seek work/education and prove he is doing so. You and your DH need to clearly set these out with him as well as very clear consequences for breaking agreed boundaries (eg no friends visiting full stop).

Once you’ve set these out give it time to see how it goes. Consider it a reset. But I think you also need to sit down with your DH to explain how this situation is impacting you personally. He’s not there to see it for himself so he needs to also step up and take ownership for his son’s behaviour and impact in the family home. He needs to lead the discussion with your SS.

Original poster
Articlewait · 07/10/2025 20:51

His mum kicked him out and he came here, prior to that he was here 50/50, we converted the annexe a year ago because he didn't want to share a room with DS and our DD’s would wake him up (not purposely). I'm not sure the annexe is much different to a garage conversion tbh.

DP doesn't do anything about it and buys him the energy drinks. He didn't do his GCSEs in the summer and he was supposed to go to college, he went one day and then couldn't be bothered.

It also isn't a “shed”, he's got plenty of space and heating etc, he's not living somewhere that has poor conditions 🙄

OP posts:
Flopsy145 · 07/10/2025 20:51

Also I can guarantee a 17 year old with younger siblings absolutely loves living in the annexe for the most part and having his own man pad. Op hasn't put him out like a dog in a kennel ffs

Zempy · 07/10/2025 20:52

Where is he getting drug money from?

TeenLifeMum · 07/10/2025 20:53

This post has made me really angry. I have dd17 and she will always have a room here if she needs it whatever her age. Step children get replaced by the new children and everyone wonders why they aren’t just fine with it. As soon as they start misbehaving you pull them close rather than abandon them when it gets tough.

TheBlueHotel · 07/10/2025 20:53

Zempy · 07/10/2025 20:52

Where is he getting drug money from?

From his deadbeat dad clearly

wildfellhall · 07/10/2025 20:54

Wow. What do people think having children means? It a full-on commitment until they’re launched and independent. That’s our job as parents as I see it.
Not all kids are safely well adjusted at 17.
my 17 year old takes a massive amount of input from both her parents; were she to have a separate annexe I think she would go off the rails, she needs boundaries which she then pushes of course. But she also needs tons and tons of love and understanding. It a huge job IME to get a young one from 17 to independent launching.
This young one appears to be ungrounded and maybe feeling really rejected. Coming in to disturb the more valued children. Cinderella without the domestic skills.

His father needs to be one IMHO - I am speaking as one whose father was pretty useless.

Screwyoudavid · 07/10/2025 20:55

He isn't a Dog for heavens sake no you cannot ban him. Your H needs to take control of the situation. Kid probably knows he is disliked being kept outside the house poor lad.

TeenLifeMum · 07/10/2025 20:55

Flopsy145 · 07/10/2025 20:51

Also I can guarantee a 17 year old with younger siblings absolutely loves living in the annexe for the most part and having his own man pad. Op hasn't put him out like a dog in a kennel ffs

You can guarantee that? Bollocks. He’s clearly not a happy child if he’s not going to school/college and is taking drugs and drinking. These are not signs of a happy 17yo. (I have a 17yo and she would not be happy in an annex away from the family).

Nosleepforthismum · 07/10/2025 20:55

I agree that the annexe sounds amazing but it’s a privilege that needs to be removed if he can’t look after it and is using it as a doss pad. You are banning him from the wrong place. Ban the annexe and move him back into the main house until he can be respectful enough to get it back. Your DP needs to really do some parenting though and clearly some tough love along with some proper love and attention.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/10/2025 20:55

I’m imaging (I have a soft spot for troubled teenagers) this unloved, uncared for, untethered 17 yo boy. Nothing that gives him stability or comfort, no parent to guide and support. How lonely and sad he must feel. No wonder he’s smoking weed. There’s a big hole inside him and he’s filling it best he knows how.

They desperately need their parents at that age. They pretend they don’t but they really really do.

OP I assume you were hoping you could just form a family, with him providing but not parenting and the parasitical SS would just ‘fall off’ the host at some point. I mean, what was your plan for who would be the father in this family?

TimeForTeaAndG · 07/10/2025 20:55

So when he was 12 his dad and you moved to a house that had no space in the main house for him and he's had the run of an annexe with no real supervision any time he has stayed....and you wonder why he's off the rails?!

Motheranddaughter · 07/10/2025 20:55

Get him back in the house properly

Namenamchange · 07/10/2025 20:56

I feel for you, you are in a very difficult situation, I was in a very similar situation minus the shed and it become impossible. DH now ex, had to step up in the parenting stakes, and I had to step away before it became detrimental to me and my physical and mental health.

You are not SS parent, your dh will need to lead on this, and if that means he has to change his job them so be it. Your dh is living his best life, while you are stuck at home with an nearly adult who has no respect for you.

There is no point in you giving ultimatums unless you are going to stick with them, and the potential outcome of those. You dh needs to be the one to do this. Take a step back and make dh take a step forward.

Just to add, your dh is a terrible father, you probably know this already, he is showing you how he will parent your children. You don’t have to hang around for the shit show. You don’t need permission to leave.

Fushoutofwata · 07/10/2025 20:57

So you moved him out of your home when he was 12. Was that when you had your own children by chance?
why am I not surprised how’s he has turned out. Poor lad never stood a chance

pinkyredrose · 07/10/2025 20:57

TheBlueHotel · 07/10/2025 20:42

Present himself to the council and say what? My step mum doesn't want me coming in to the house and makes me live in an annexe? He's not homeless, he won't be housed! And why the hell should he be moving in with friends when he has at least one parent who needs to step up?!

Show quote history

Say that he's been thrown out and needs emergency accommodation.

He's causing Op to feel unsafe in her own home, the one place she should feel safe, secure and content.

17 or not he needs to sort his shit attitude out.

TwistedWonder · 07/10/2025 20:58

Poor lad doesn’t have a singje adult in his life who seems to give a shit about him and he’s living ilike Cinderella while the shiny new younger siblings are being parented abd properly cared for.

His behaviour might be pretty poor but sounds like he’s been let down by the adults responsible for his welfare since he was a child

Coconutter24 · 07/10/2025 20:58

TeenLifeMum · 07/10/2025 20:53

This post has made me really angry. I have dd17 and she will always have a room here if she needs it whatever her age. Step children get replaced by the new children and everyone wonders why they aren’t just fine with it. As soon as they start misbehaving you pull them close rather than abandon them when it gets tough.

Shall we forward that on to his dad for you?!

CaramelGhost · 07/10/2025 20:59

It sounds like he's been left to his devices for far too long at a young age, with little to no direction or boundaries. He's been failed. Most seventeen year old who ask for more space are told to lump it, you're a family. Who builds an annex and then now you essentially don't even want him in the family home??

He needs tough love, care, boundaries and a massive kick up the arse. More time in the family home, not less. He's a child.

TheBlueHotel · 07/10/2025 20:59

pinkyredrose · 07/10/2025 20:57

Say that he's been thrown out and needs emergency accommodation.

He's causing Op to feel unsafe in her own home, the one place she should feel safe, secure and content.

17 or not he needs to sort his shit attitude out.

Show quote history

Nasty, nasty attitude. It's also bollocks - he's not homeless and he won't just be housed. He'll be referred to a social worker who will speak to both parents and negotiate him right back home. They do this all the time.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/10/2025 20:59

pinkyredrose · 07/10/2025 20:57

Say that he's been thrown out and needs emergency accommodation.

He's causing Op to feel unsafe in her own home, the one place she should feel safe, secure and content.

17 or not he needs to sort his shit attitude out.

Show quote history

“…the one place she should feel safe, secure and content”?

Read that back and think about how children should feel.

Coconutter24 · 07/10/2025 21:00

TwistedWonder · 07/10/2025 20:58

Poor lad doesn’t have a singje adult in his life who seems to give a shit about him and he’s living ilike Cinderella while the shiny new younger siblings are being parented abd properly cared for.

His behaviour might be pretty poor but sounds like he’s been let down by the adults responsible for his welfare since he was a child

Have you ever watched Cinderella? She isn’t living in an annexe full of cans and bottles smoking weed, doing nothing with her life