Page 4 | To not want stepson coming into the main house?

Articlewait · 2025-10-07T19:17:19+00:00

DP has a 17 year old DS from a previous relationship. He lives with us FT and has done for about 4 months. We moved about 5 years ago and we had an annexe in the garden, and it's his house basically. It has a tv and tv and a mini fridge in sort of a living room, his bedroom with a double bed and an en suite. He does need to come in the house for proper meals but the annexe has everything he needs really. Before he moved in FT this was his space when he stayed. Anyway, we have some issues with him and his behaviour, he doesn't go to college, he stopped going to school so didn't get his GCSEs. He smokes weed and other drugs, the annexe is a total mess with cans and bottles everywhere. He never tidies it but somehow has no shame and invites other lads and girls over and when they're here they all come into the main house for food, he has a fridge with food and other snacks that he asked me to buy him so there's no need to come into the house unless for meals which it isn't He disturbs my DC and always leaves the back door open, he uses our bathroom and wees everywhere and he's constantly in and out and complains he's “bored”, he came in today and left a can of energy drink on the side and then complained because I threw it away. The energy drinks are all he drinks, I'm not happy about it! He then started winding the DC up when they were quietly reading and generally giving an attitude and being not very nice. He then came back in about 20 minutes later demanding I cook him dinner. DP is hardly ever here tbh, he also makes excuses for him. I dislike stepson, would it be U to ban him from the main house?

saraclara · 07/10/2025 21:00

TimeForTeaAndG · 07/10/2025 20:55

So when he was 12 his dad and you moved to a house that had no space in the main house for him and he's had the run of an annexe with no real supervision any time he has stayed....and you wonder why he's off the rails?!

All if that. My jaw is hanging open after reading your posts @Articlewait .

When he asked for more space, I doubt that he realised that having that annexe would mean that he wasn't allowed in the main house at all (except to eat) That's absolutely insane.

His behaviour now is the result of how he's (not) been parented, yet you think the answer is to banish him even further.

The damage has been done. His father bears most of the responsibility, but you carry a fair bit of it too.

TheRocksStoppedRolling · 07/10/2025 21:00

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/10/2025 20:55

I’m imaging (I have a soft spot for troubled teenagers) this unloved, uncared for, untethered 17 yo boy. Nothing that gives him stability or comfort, no parent to guide and support. How lonely and sad he must feel. No wonder he’s smoking weed. There’s a big hole inside him and he’s filling it best he knows how.

They desperately need their parents at that age. They pretend they don’t but they really really do.

OP I assume you were hoping you could just form a family, with him providing but not parenting and the parasitical SS would just ‘fall off’ the host at some point. I mean, what was your plan for who would be the father in this family?

Yes. I think a lot of teens may think they would love this arrangement, but my experience is that teens really need their parents and they wouldn’t like this living in the annex thing full time with very little input from parents.

My teens love having their own space, but they still come to us to chat, for reassurance and guidance, for a hug and to just feel looked after and looked out for.

I think this lad is crying out for attention and boundaries but doesn’t really realise it. That is what parents are for.

MelaniesLaugh · 07/10/2025 21:00

Is there a kitchen and bathroom in the annex?

pinkyredrose · 07/10/2025 21:02

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/10/2025 20:59

“…the one place she should feel safe, secure and content”?

Read that back and think about how children should feel.

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Exactly. Ops younger children shouldn't have to live with this aggressive, disrespectful young man.

If Op and her husband confirm to the council that he's no longer welcome they'll have to find him somewhere.

Snugglemonkey · 07/10/2025 21:02

Allthatshines1992 · 07/10/2025 20:38

OP I feel for you here. It sounds like you've given this kid a place to stay for free, fed him, provided for him and he's just a useless dirty dosser. I wouldn't like him or want him setting this example for my children either. It's not acceptable for him to be there without being in education or employment. He must attain one or the other or he's out altogether imo. Not just out of the house but out altogether.

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Wow, you speak like she has housed a random child off the street as an act of charity. This is a family member. A child who is no longer bring parented by op or her dh. How old was he when that started? Where is his mother? When did all his parental figures stop giving a fuck about his well being?!

AutumnedCrow · 07/10/2025 21:02

MelaniesLaugh · 07/10/2025 21:00

Is there a kitchen and bathroom in the annex?

OP says there’s an en suite, and a fridge.

Holluschickie · 07/10/2025 21:02

Every problem posted by a stepmum is basically a lazy arse DH refusing to parent and using her as a nanny.

I wouldn't want to live with my own DS if he made me feel unsafe.

Minnie798 · 07/10/2025 21:02

Well my 17 year old would absolutely love an annexe like you describe . But he wouldn't still be in it if he behaved as your step son is doing. He's not respectful of the space- or you.
His dad needs to be around more, to spend time parenting.
I personally don't believe banning him from the main house is the answer , if anything he should be moved back in there. But it is your husbands job to sort this out, not yours.

AbzMoz · 07/10/2025 21:03

It’s less about the annex and more his temperament… The annex has become the doss house for him and his mates and dp seems to have removed himself from the situation.
some discussions (led by and enforced by DP) around what’s expected - you get the annex but it is tidied up; you are welcome here but you’re enrolled on a course/working etc are needed; you’re welcome in for family meals but we aren’t feeding visitors and energy drinks aren’t on the menu…

TheBlueHotel · 07/10/2025 21:03

pinkyredrose · 07/10/2025 21:02

Exactly. Ops younger children shouldn't have to live with this aggressive, disrespectful young man.

If Op and her husband confirm to the council that he's no longer welcome they'll have to find him somewhere.

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I assure you, absolutely assure you this is not how it works
Parents don't just just get to decide their minor children are 'no longer welcome' and get them rehomed like a dog

BlueOpaqueTights · 07/10/2025 21:03

Articlewait · 07/10/2025 20:28

Hopefully my child wouldn't behave like this in the first place.

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Wow! This is why I feel so sorry for older kids in this set-up.
You only give a shit about your own kids, and stepson isn't allowed into the house that is his current family home.
It's not his fault that his parents have split up.
Unfortunately, we tend to mature as our kids grow and you are clearly not mature enough to deal with a 17 year old, especially one you don't like.
You shouldn't have had a kids with a man with an existing kid, and your DH should have looked out for his son instead of creating a shiny new family.
DH absolutely needs to step up and you both need to grow up.

Original poster

Articlewait · 07/10/2025 21:04

No, we didn't move him out when he was 12. He and DS were sharing a partitioned room. Then about a year ago he was complaining about sharing. The annexe was already there but more a games room that he'd go in to chill but we eventually ended up converting it and he stayed in there when he was here and now full time.

He started refusing to go to school, he complained he was anxious but DP didn't do anything to help him he just gave in and it wasn't any of my business (his words), he still uses the anxiety excuse a lot but I don't believe it.

I try to speak to stepson but he ignores me and says he can do what he wants. And yes, I am worried he might hit me. I also don't want him spouting misogynistic things in front of DS and DD’s

OP posts:

Nosleepforthismum · 07/10/2025 21:04

Edited as just read the OP’s update

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/10/2025 21:04

pinkyredrose · 07/10/2025 21:02

Exactly. Ops younger children shouldn't have to live with this aggressive, disrespectful young man.

If Op and her husband confirm to the council that he's no longer welcome they'll have to find him somewhere.

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The SS is 17 FFS. Where does he get that?

And I know you were deliberately making a point. But he’s 17, not 25. He’s a child and his (mother’s and) father’s shitty parenting directly caused all of this. OP is caught in the middle but she doesn’t exactly have the moral high ground enabling the father’s crappy choices. And producing Family 2.0 for him.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/10/2025 21:05

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/10/2025 20:55

I’m imaging (I have a soft spot for troubled teenagers) this unloved, uncared for, untethered 17 yo boy. Nothing that gives him stability or comfort, no parent to guide and support. How lonely and sad he must feel. No wonder he’s smoking weed. There’s a big hole inside him and he’s filling it best he knows how.

They desperately need their parents at that age. They pretend they don’t but they really really do.

OP I assume you were hoping you could just form a family, with him providing but not parenting and the parasitical SS would just ‘fall off’ the host at some point. I mean, what was your plan for who would be the father in this family?

Exactly this. I have a 17 year old, the year above and I’m horrified at how little care and parenting is going on. Teenagers need far more parenting than little kids. This is a fundamental age and he’s been completely failed by both his parents.

You came in at the start of this time in his life, just about to hit the teen years. And it sounds like it may have torpedo’d things somewhat. I cannot think what possessed the 2 of you to set up house and expect him to share a room with your ds. That was never going to go down well.

TheBlueHotel · 07/10/2025 21:05

Articlewait · 07/10/2025 21:04

No, we didn't move him out when he was 12. He and DS were sharing a partitioned room. Then about a year ago he was complaining about sharing. The annexe was already there but more a games room that he'd go in to chill but we eventually ended up converting it and he stayed in there when he was here and now full time.

He started refusing to go to school, he complained he was anxious but DP didn't do anything to help him he just gave in and it wasn't any of my business (his words), he still uses the anxiety excuse a lot but I don't believe it.

I try to speak to stepson but he ignores me and says he can do what he wants. And yes, I am worried he might hit me. I also don't want him spouting misogynistic things in front of DS and DD’s

Why don't you leave your husband then and take your kids somewhere safe and leave him to pick up the pieces with his son? What alternative is there at this point?

AutumnedCrow · 07/10/2025 21:05

Nosleepforthismum · 07/10/2025 21:04

Edited as just read the OP’s update

Edited

No, for a year.

Soontobe60 · 07/10/2025 21:05

MayaPinion · 07/10/2025 20:31

He’s 17! You have a child living in your garden having basically kicked him out of the family home to live in a glorified shed with a mini fridge full of Monster. The minimum you can do is welcome him for meals.

Don’t be ridiculous! He moved into the annex 4 months ago presumably having lived with his mother before that. I’d argue that the vast majority of 17 year olds would live their own annex!
OP, where’s he getting his money from to fund his drug habit?

herbalteabag · 07/10/2025 21:06

Being stuck in an annexe for most of the time sounds incredibly lonely. It's more likely to exacerbate his weed use and make him depressed. It's fine for him to live in the annexe as long as he can come into the house when he likes. How is being shut away with no chance of proper conversations going to help him find his way?
Your DP is being a useless parent to him.

Allthatshines1992 · 07/10/2025 21:06

Holluschickie · 07/10/2025 21:02

Every problem posted by a stepmum is basically a lazy arse DH refusing to parent and using her as a nanny.

I wouldn't want to live with my own DS if he made me feel unsafe.

I've noticed this too. And I see both sides, the step-child always seems to be someone 'in the way' of the person the Step-Mum wants to be with. The child is alienated from both their real parents and the people the parents have remarried don't really want them there either in most cases it seems.

Almost comes down to needing to have a good solid relationship with a significant other before having kids together and then staying together, even when you're not entirely happy for the greater good of the family (of course there are extreme exceptions to this).

pinkyredrose · 07/10/2025 21:08

Articlewait · 07/10/2025 21:04

No, we didn't move him out when he was 12. He and DS were sharing a partitioned room. Then about a year ago he was complaining about sharing. The annexe was already there but more a games room that he'd go in to chill but we eventually ended up converting it and he stayed in there when he was here and now full time.

He started refusing to go to school, he complained he was anxious but DP didn't do anything to help him he just gave in and it wasn't any of my business (his words), he still uses the anxiety excuse a lot but I don't believe it.

I try to speak to stepson but he ignores me and says he can do what he wants. And yes, I am worried he might hit me. I also don't want him spouting misogynistic things in front of DS and DD’s

Op i still believe he has to go. You don't feel safe and you're worried about being assaulted.

What the hell is the problem with his dad, why is he so passive!

bluegreengreenblue · 07/10/2025 21:09

Christ. Have you not considered he might be playing up because he feels so unwanted?

MollyMollyMandy33 · 07/10/2025 21:09

Articlewait · 07/10/2025 20:32

If my child was behaving aggressively then I’d back him up, if he wanted to ban my child for no reason and his behaviour was fine then I wouldn't be happy. But he's not innocent, I don't feel safe when I'm alone with him with the DC.

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But he is a CHILD. He needs decent parenting by someone to help him sort himself out, not being left in his own space (however well intentioned) to do as he likes and consume energy drinks.
Being banned from the house is the last thing he needs. What he needs is much closer supervision, guidance and being welcomed into a family, albeit with boundaries. Either you or your DH need to step up urgently. Poor CHILD

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/10/2025 21:10

So his mum had enough and his dad said he could be there ft but you’d have to deal with him as he’s too busy working. I wouldn’t have drugs in my property or a much taller than me nearly adult male ignoring me or being rude to me. You need to prioritise your own children since you can’t seem to have any influence over SS so I’d explain to DP calmly but firmly that he gets a fucking grip or I’d be off.

Neither parent can be bothered parenting him but oh so typically posters on here consider you responsible for this absolute mess.

RavenPie · 07/10/2025 21:10

No. He’s to little. He hasn’t been brought up to the responsibility and although it’s only about 5 minutes until he’s an adult, you don’t get to dump him early because you’ve twattified him (by “you” I mean his actual mum and dad). Immature, arsehole kids who cba to go to school, can’t study for exams, can’t stick at college, smoke weed and drink monster need more parenting, not less. “Mum kicked him out and dad cba” just isn’t good enough. His dad needs to be less shit. This hasn’t crept up. At 14 he wasn’t laying the table, talking about his homework, making conversation with his siblings over the lasagne - why wasn’t his dad parenting him then?
If you are not safe then the family needs to be split but obviously his dad needs to be with him, either somewhere else or in the current home. He can’t just “go to the council”.