To not want stepson coming into the main house?

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DP has a 17 year old DS from a previous relationship.

He lives with us FT and has done for about 4 months. We moved about 5 years ago and we had an annexe in the garden, and it's his house basically. It has a tv and tv and a mini fridge in sort of a living room, his bedroom with a double bed and an en suite. He does need to come in the house for proper meals but the annexe has everything he needs really. Before he moved in FT this was his space when he stayed.

Anyway, we have some issues with him and his behaviour, he doesn't go to college, he stopped going to school so didn't get his GCSEs. He smokes weed and other drugs, the annexe is a total mess with cans and bottles everywhere. He never tidies it but somehow has no shame and invites other lads and girls over and when they're here they all come into the main house for food, he has a fridge with food and other snacks that he asked me to buy him so there's no need to come into the house unless for meals which it isn't

He disturbs my DC and always leaves the back door open, he uses our bathroom and wees everywhere and he's constantly in and out and complains he's “bored”, he came in today and left a can of energy drink on the side and then complained because I threw it away. The energy drinks are all he drinks, I'm not happy about it! He then started winding the DC up when they were quietly reading and generally giving an attitude and being not very nice. He then came back in about 20 minutes later demanding I cook him dinner.

DP is hardly ever here tbh, he also makes excuses for him. I dislike stepson, would it be U to ban him from the main house?

As per my previous post I think his parents should. Tbh if I were the OP I’d probably cut my losses, but I find men who can’t do the basics a bit icky whereas the OP doesn’t seem to think there is anything particularly wrong with it.

Oh yes you can. There needs to be clear boundaries here

I think he's waiting to be banned or asked to leave. Is his opinion of himself so low?

Can you take the heat off the situation and have an honest discussion with him.

Had similar with our adopted son. Always had a difficult relationship with him. Thought it was attachment disorder. Had lots of sessions with psychologists etc etc.

Ended up using a marriage counsellor and he left home. Broke my heart. He was 16.

Anyway he ended up in council run special accommodation, with a youth worker that he related to better than us. Got diagnosed with autism and ADHD, has gone to university (could have knocked me down with a feather on that one).

Still irritating at times but now we know why. And we have a good relationship.

I would seek help and not rush to dismiss or ban.

Marriage counselling ended up in a bit of a showdown. Either he buck up his ideas or he goes. He declined to agree. Counsellor just explained that it was his time to leave. His decision.

It might be that.

I don't think some posters are listening to you OP.
Stepson's behaviour is insupportable. He's behaving like a spoilt brat. One you are actually afraid of. He's 17 not seven. He has not been 'kicked out of the house' he has been given the space he wanted. Bed, TV, fridge, no one hassling him to keep his room tidy, as many friends in as he wants. To read some comments one might think he was shivering in a tiny tent, or sleeping on the cold damp floor of a cellar.
Your attempts to help and support him have been thrown back in your face by the ungrateful brat. I do so tire of posters defending atrociously behaved people
. At 17 he'll soon be old enough to leave. I'd give him notice now.
'The annex is yours only until you're 18.'
Or, once you're 18, you'll be responsible for your own meals, laundry etc.

Meanwhile I would seriously consider limiting his access to the house to times which you are comfortable with. Change the locks, or fix sturdy bolts. It sounds like you're living with a potentially dangerous character and you have others to consider who need your protection.

Good luck resolving this horrible situation you find yourself in through no fault of your own.

Hold on, you put a 17 yo outside, in his own space and he does whatever he likes? He's a permanent guest in his own "home" and isolated. The behavior is to be expected.

As a step mother myself I was ready to call you out based on the title. However, I think you’re going to have to ride this out until he’s 18 and then legally evict him.

Your husband needs to gently ask him what his plans are when he’s 18 as the Annex won’t be available. Suggest finding a job to start saving. Setting ground rules about entry into the main house.

This is very interesting and good advice.
Thanks for that.

maybe because...he's 17 and doing whatever he wants with little to no parenting?? I'd be embarrassed to blame everything you loathe about him on the kid himself. it seems a lack of attention and love is the root

He'd more likely end up on the streets.

Another monster.
18 and out the door ?
unbelievable

Yes, it’s not her problem to fix. It is the fathers. There is a young child in the home who doesn’t need to see drug use and intimidation.

The father has dropped the ball here. You can throw around all the names you want - doesn’t change that fact. If you feel so strongly maybe offer to take him in your self.

What has never happened is you can neglect your young child, ignore them, kick them out of the mums, not allow him out of the shed at his dads, not get involved when school starts to fall by the wayside, not teach them how to look after themselves properly, not notice or care when they smoke weed, buy them energy drinks and allow feral behaviour at the bottom of the garden, and magically produce a 17yo who can stand on his own two feet and pay bills.

This is exactly it, and all of that didn't happen overnight. It happened over the course of several years, during which OP was an adult in the same house as this child. That is why she bears responsibility for the current situation - how he's turned out and her continued presence around him.

It literally is her problem as she's the one posting on the internet looking for advice on a situation she isn't happy with. In practical terms, she's the one who's looking for an immediate fix, not the father or the stepson.

And honestly it doesn't matter whether MN posters vote that she's reasonable or unreasonable to keep her stepson in the shed, because her actual options are limited.

1. Use her influence on his dad to keep him in the shed then chuck him out completely ASAP. She can't do this by herself but given how little his dad seems to give a shit it may be possible to get him to agree. Clearly this is her preferred option.
2. Use her influence on his dad to get him to do some proper parenting for once. This would involve letting the stepson into the house and probably having him around for a while, and she'd have to step up to the plate herself as well. This is probably the most ethical option and as such probably the least likely outcome.
3. Carry on with the increasingly dysfunctional status quo indefinitely. Most likely outcome.
4. Take some responsibility for her own choices in life and leave her useless husband and waster son. This is the most sensible option by far.
5. Step up to the step-parenting plate herself even if her useless husband won't, and show this 17-year-old the love and support he's obviously been denied for his teenage years. Actually this is the least likely outcome.

What like an unwanted dog ? Shall i meet her at the motorway services ?
We’ll all end up supporting this young person one way or another because their family has let them down.

He is going to wreck your whole life until father kicks him out . That's a man not a child, what punishments are people on about

Dear lord , I wonder why this child ( and at 17 he absolutely is) is drinking and smoking all the time ? Any guesses?
That is his father and his house , it must be absolutely awful to feel so unwelcome and unliked. I hope one day when your perfect young children are teens you will look back on this with shame .

Omg I know you say he is 6ft but he's still a child! Him coming into the house is because he wants interaction! He needs some love and companionship. Does your DH spend quality time with him?

I'd say if he is drinking and taking drugs he should be in the main house where you can parent him.

If that works for you.

Personally I would throw the whole man away along with his son. He knows his son is abusing drugs in the household and intimidating his wife and their other child.

Maybe you can take them both on and do the OP a favour. They can abuse your good nature which it seems you have plenty to offer.

Obviously "absolutely nothing" so that leaves.......?

i Think you and DH should be reported to social services

Can't see a problem with being in the annex! I actually think he's quite lucky... I think he'll really react if you ban him... But you do need to set some boundaries like no drinking (energy drinks or alcohol) inmain house.. Only use his own loo as he can't seem to aim! how does your DP condone his slobbish behaviour... I'm sorry to say but I don't think your going to sort this out on your own... there's just a lot of take by him but no give and no reason to get his act together.. he's just fine as it is... I'm only saying this because I don't think your at fault in that your feeding him.

Why have you resurrected a thread that hasn't been updated for five months?