To not want stepson coming into the main house?

[Articlewait]

DP has a 17 year old DS from a previous relationship.

He lives with us FT and has done for about 4 months. We moved about 5 years ago and we had an annexe in the garden, and it's his house basically. It has a tv and tv and a mini fridge in sort of a living room, his bedroom with a double bed and an en suite. He does need to come in the house for proper meals but the annexe has everything he needs really. Before he moved in FT this was his space when he stayed.

Anyway, we have some issues with him and his behaviour, he doesn't go to college, he stopped going to school so didn't get his GCSEs. He smokes weed and other drugs, the annexe is a total mess with cans and bottles everywhere. He never tidies it but somehow has no shame and invites other lads and girls over and when they're here they all come into the main house for food, he has a fridge with food and other snacks that he asked me to buy him so there's no need to come into the house unless for meals which it isn't

He disturbs my DC and always leaves the back door open, he uses our bathroom and wees everywhere and he's constantly in and out and complains he's “bored”, he came in today and left a can of energy drink on the side and then complained because I threw it away. The energy drinks are all he drinks, I'm not happy about it! He then started winding the DC up when they were quietly reading and generally giving an attitude and being not very nice. He then came back in about 20 minutes later demanding I cook him dinner.

DP is hardly ever here tbh, he also makes excuses for him. I dislike stepson, would it be U to ban him from the main house?

Your partner is a waste of space ! Does he parent your younger children ?
The boy has only been with you a few months and already you have said your partner is never home and you dislike him.
You are both awful.

This is exactly it 🎯 💯 spot on and exactly how I would feel and react. Honestly don't care what rest of world /Mumsnet says. If I was abandoned by DH to deal with this nonsense by myself, I'd be taking myself and kids out the equation. Absolutely unacceptable to have drugs and violence around young kids. Sorry/not sorry. That's just how it is.

I agree. I came from a blended family and am raising one of my dc in one. But MN hates them for some reason and the general consensus is that any child in a blended family will emerge traumatised and mentally scarred. It’s ridiculous.

This poor child, because at 17 he's still very much a child, is clearly crying out for attention and seems to have been abandoned by his parents and now you're trying to kick him out of the family home..... I feel massively sorry for him, no wonder he's acting out.

This thread makes me sad as my DS is the same age and he and his friends are having such different upbringings. We parents are so involved in their lives, from feeding them proper meals to guiding them with their educational choices. There’s no way that any of DS’s friends would have been allowed to just not take their GCSE’s, for example (we’re in the US so different system but the principle applies, they all took their summer exams)

Your DP should be ashamed of himself, @Articlewait, he’s really letting his son down. Please speak to him.

This is a husband issue. Your DH needs to step up and get his son in order. Prioritises OP.

It's difficult to know from OP post what they have done. I took my lad to GP several times. Tried going to walks coffee sports things alone to talk. Asked him if he needed any new clothing new styles go shopping I got him a piano which he absolutely loves but nothing worked. I begged him to get help he just wouldn't open up I was so worried for so long but it got to a stage where me and my husband and the rest of our children were completely disrupted and miserable. I just hope for OP he grows out of it. I would be interested to know why he had to move there as I suspect mum had enough I mean the lad is taking drugs but how has he the money for it . Not working. Lucky no drugs involved in mine but I never gave him money unless it was for food clothing essentials because he refused to get a job or go to college at the time.

Indeed so hard to read, know this. I have a nearly 18 yr old, thus can relate. Its crushing to know what your SC is going through. Many have thankfully suggested ways to handle.

1. But folks who suggested your DP to take control, perhaps dont see that he had left his ex, his son and somewhat you too - see the pattern. Could one expect him to take responsibility?
2. Sorry OP for this situation. But the almost-abandoned 5mins-to-18 child made-to-fall-off-the-host happened because how all adults around him handled him, as many said. What if OP instead of this boy turning into whatever, You can turn him around - he becomes a confident, steady man and You become his anchor? That would be a total game changer. You will feel so happy in your own life, than feeling what you are feeling now, and will continue to feel so. What if you both talk, heart to heart, cry, as much both of you want, perhaps you hate him, but can you please give him a chance with love? Put your rules etc, but everyday hold each other's hand and assure that you'll be there for support. I am pretty sure it will be magic. I am pretty sure 20 yrs later you will be so very pleased with what you had sowed. Often love is the answer. (Cost free too). Leaving is the easiest to do and when you'll look back 20yrs after, you'll feel more miserable if things slide further. Choice is yours, Now, with You. Sending you both much love and best of my wishes, xx

Step parents who have become a target of scorn/disrespect for poorly parented children cannot just slot into a parental or big-sibling role with them. Someone completely new would be better.

Your suggestion would put OP’s own children at risk and is unlikely to be effective given her position in the DS’s family to date. She is a figure he takes his frustrations out on. It’s not her attention he craves, it’s his parents’ and he likely sees her (and his half-siblings) as one of the reasons he doesn’t get that.

@RawBloomers "Someone completely new would be better" While you could be right there, passing it on without taking charge at home, wouldn't help much I guess.
I was not suggesting not to seek the help required. Thats of course needed.
But will certainly help if OP and the mentioned child's relationship changes - if OP can work on that.

Your post wasn't a joke or being sarcastic then ? 😂

What's funny?

I think it’s the idea OP can realistically hold a boundary with a 6ft male who won’t listen to her, acts aggressively and scares her without shutting him out of the house.

I don’t think it’s realistic to think OP can change this dynamic. Whatever she does risks antagonizing the situation and making her more of a target for his frustration and aggression.

The problem isn't that he has his own space - it's that you resent him ever joining the family in the main home. You genuinely seem to think he has no right to intrude on "your" space. Yes, he sounds like a bit of a waster, but you obviously don't want him around, and I'm sure he's picked up on that. You can keep telling us how comfy the kennel is, but the reality is, you put him out in the back garden like a dog. When he was 12! And you're surprised he resents you playing happy families in the main house and doesn't respect you, or his living space?

Really though, this is just another thread where a woman would rather brand her step-child a problem child, than confront her partner for being a shit dad.

@SnoopyPajamas They converted the annex from a games room into his living space a year ago so he was 16.

I agree that he’s not accepted as part of their family, it’s a sad situation. 😕

Shutting him out in an annex is really dark. Why not force him to do domestic chores as well and just keep him as a modern slave?! Honestly he’s a human being who needs love and human connection and engagement and guidance. He’s clearly struggling and it’s a symptom of no parents giving a shit about him.

Lol are you appearing in any pantomimes this Christmas OP?

So your DCs get to live in the main house like proper kids whilst this interloper has been kicked out to the shed?

Ok then.

She’s said he’s aggressive and ignores her. To be honest posters on here are so contrarian she’d be foolish to give details because a bunch of poster will just pick her choice of words to death, twist her meaning or tell her it’s obviously not really threatening regardless of how it makes her feel.

yes exactly. Lads need love too. This is just awful to read. So sorry for him. And for DP. He obviously needs some support to be able to parent his son. Not just criticism and draconian bans etc.

Well maybe the actual parents should step up to sort their child out not rely on someone else to do it. OP has a home to run and two other younger children. Do you think she has time to sort out a badly behaved teenager who is making her family life a misery.why are you calling out the OP when you should be blaming the absent parents. Why not provide a useful response rather than making her feel guilty ?

I moved out at 17 and paid my bills

That’s not the norm nowadays @TheShadowOfTheWizard. Just because it happened in the past doesn’t mean that 17-year-olds shouldn’t be parented more now.

I’m old enough to remember when 17yos could easily move into houseshares without needing references or deposits or guarantors. I can remember when a job in a bar or shop would pay your rent and you wouldn’t be stuck on an 8 hour contract. Lots of people leave home to study at 17/18 or go travelling, Ds2 has 3 friends who joined the army at 16 - which isn’t quite the same as they are very directed. Getting married at around 18 wasn't absolutely wild when I was a kid. What has never happened is you can neglect your young child, ignore them, kick them out of the mums, not allow him out of the shed at his dads, not get involved when school starts to fall by the wayside, not teach them how to look after themselves properly, not notice or care when they smoke weed, buy them energy drinks and allow feral behaviour at the bottom of the garden, and magically produce a 17yo who can stand on his own two feet and pay bills. If you neglect the early years, the late teen years will be extraordinarily time consuming. This is a regressed kid - not a sensible and mature one. My 16 yo would be fine on his own - but the OPs dss is a wastrel toe-rag with no qualifications, no direction, no sense and a weed and energy drink habit that most parents would see as something that needed sorting out, not the purchase of a mini fridge.

And do you think the parents should tackle this "wastrel toe rag"?
Or OP?
Or parents supported by OP?