To not want stepson coming into the main house?

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DP has a 17 year old DS from a previous relationship.

He lives with us FT and has done for about 4 months. We moved about 5 years ago and we had an annexe in the garden, and it's his house basically. It has a tv and tv and a mini fridge in sort of a living room, his bedroom with a double bed and an en suite. He does need to come in the house for proper meals but the annexe has everything he needs really. Before he moved in FT this was his space when he stayed.

Anyway, we have some issues with him and his behaviour, he doesn't go to college, he stopped going to school so didn't get his GCSEs. He smokes weed and other drugs, the annexe is a total mess with cans and bottles everywhere. He never tidies it but somehow has no shame and invites other lads and girls over and when they're here they all come into the main house for food, he has a fridge with food and other snacks that he asked me to buy him so there's no need to come into the house unless for meals which it isn't

He disturbs my DC and always leaves the back door open, he uses our bathroom and wees everywhere and he's constantly in and out and complains he's “bored”, he came in today and left a can of energy drink on the side and then complained because I threw it away. The energy drinks are all he drinks, I'm not happy about it! He then started winding the DC up when they were quietly reading and generally giving an attitude and being not very nice. He then came back in about 20 minutes later demanding I cook him dinner.

DP is hardly ever here tbh, he also makes excuses for him. I dislike stepson, would it be U to ban him from the main house?

This is an absolutely brilliant point.

There is nothing wrong with him having the annex as his own space. but the title of your thread suggests that you have effectively kicked him out of the house.

His behaviour needs addressing and his dad should step up, but you sound awful. Whether or not you like him he is a part of the family. Poor boy, no wonder he acts as he does.

Your 'd'p sounds like an absolute waste of space.

I don't understand what you get out of this relationship. I agree with the pp who said take your kids and leave.

Absolutely!

If your husband is hardly ever there, it isn't viable for SS to live with you full-time. You are not his parent, and he is obviously going through a period of self-neglect, feeling lost and needing guidance and support from his parents, as is common in late adolescence, especially for boys. His dad is responsible for him and has to give the boy time, structure, rules and boundaries. It is vital this happens now. I honestly don't think you can be expected to provide this. The situation is only going to escalate if your OH continues to abandon his child. It is shit for everyone other than your husband. SS should not be living in a filthy annexe, with friends and girls coming and going day and night; he should not be expected to never come into the house and have a loving interaction with his family. Equally, you cannot be expected to lay down the law with a 6-foot almost-man who is acting out, you cannot provide motherly love to someone who isn't your child, and your younger children should not have their time disturbed by their older brother in the way you describe. If it were my DH I would be clear: he pulls his finger out or SS has to go back to his mother, or wherever he was staying until 4 months ago.

Totally agree his actual parents need to step
up. Leaving her to cope with the poor boy is not acceptable

Where on earth is this boy’s father? It’s like he’s MIA. He’s going badly off the rails and his dad needs to step up pronto.

Generally I strongly disagree with kicking kids out as I think it puts them at risk, but I’d probably put some boundaries in place:

No in and out with random friends, certainly not in the main area; come in for meals at the same time as everyone else; do something, whether it’s work or study or whatever the hell he prefers, as long as it’s something.

I honestly think allowing kids to fully drop out is the first mistake, I’ve never heard of a situation first hand where this happened and it didn’t go wrong. I’ve had to battle DD on it too, but at the end of the day they know they have no choice. She begrudgingly applied to uni.

Can he get a part time job or volunteer?

Like an unwanted dog, you’ve banished your SS to the garden, and seem surprised he’s using drugs and alcohol as mechanisms to cope with his life with consists of an absent father and a step mother who doesn’t like him and wants to ban him from her house. Poor kid, he has been totally failed by the adults around him.

Your DH has completely failed this child. It’s up to you what you do but how can you look at your DH? He’s also failed you by letting an aggressive man sized child to be in your space. The whole thing is a mess and there’s one single person at fault and it’s not DSS.

An annex sounds great for his own space, entertainment etc. But whether he is stepson or own son no weed, alcohol or poor behaviour in front of younger kids. Sometimes.teens will always look for a negative...".you not doing enough for them, don't care enough, guilt trips". Every so often step intk his space to say hi without a complaint about the room just " are you ok?".." had you a good day or a bad day? "....later they will come back to chat. And if he wants pals over it would be mannerly to ask you first especially if a big group. Send them out a pizza or something to keep them out of your fridge and assert yourself with his pals who go to open the fridge! You are not a hostel!

Sounds like a bit of a nightmare OP. I think your DH needs to pull his finger out and take some responsibility. Clearly your SS is struggling - not having a focus be that college or a job at his age is only going to cause far bigger problems for him (and all of you.) I can't imagine how he must be feeling after his Mum threw him out but he is 17 and not a young child so he does need to start to take some responsibility.
I would want to have a good conversation with him and DH and talk about what he wants. I'd let him know that I love him and want him to be happy but what is going on right now cannot continue. He needs to find a focus, job, college, apprenticeship and you will support him to achieve what he wants but he's going to have to work. I'd be telling my DH to stop giving SS money. If he wants pocket money then he has to earn it. Jobs around the house, making an effort to find work, go to college etc. Don't fund him anymore.

I feel the problem here is your dh. He needs to be more present and involved in his sons life.

I can see why you have suggested the ban, you sound at the end of your tether with an almost grown man who is disrespecting your home and his father who is doing little address the issues or back you up.

Although it may seem like it will make life easier for you to ban him from the house in reality it will make things much worse. This young lad is clearly spiraling but is living on your property. I would be concerned that he might up his drug use or even begin dealing and behaviour and visitors could become increasingly antisocial. Or if he continues to opt out of life his mental health will spiral further and he will end up a dependent and antisocial recluse who will always be there.

He needs urgent and significant intervention from his father to get him back on track and some clear ground rules on behaviour. No drug taking at home and to respect your home as a minimum. Howler, it sounds like this would be impossible to implement without your dh on board. Hence why your dh us the problem.

She is also not his mother! The parenting advice given by some on here is well-meaning but irrelevant because the person who needs to parent this boy is absent from the home!

Or his dad running?

You need to get some support, and if his dad won’t do it then get outside services involved. And do it urgently before he turns 18. There’s more help available for children than adults. Try the local council adolescent support services.

Has he ever got physical? You say you’re scared of him hitting you, but has he ever done anything to indicate that he is likely to? Weed does not make you violent.

My nearly 17 year old is still at the busom of the family and although is older than his years in terms of maturity he would undoubtedly act like a knob if he was outed to an annexe. He wants and needs parentel
attention, he still
needs rules and guidance.

Another joyous blended family model.

Drugs in your house and he’s in the eyes of the law a child.. you have another child there I’d be careful someone doesn’t call social services for the sake of your other child. Personally if I felt he was invading my space I’d be inclined to send him back to his Mum. I think it’s nice you converted an annex for him.

I assume this is made up but if not YABVU!

YWBU.

Hes under 18, and he sounds like a waster, but baning him from the home, his home and his dads doesnt seem the solution. I think you need you DP to set ground rules. I even wonder if hed be better in the main house.

I think its bizarre hes been in the annex since he was 12?!? Wouldn't be surprised if he felt pushed out. But at 17 it seems a privilege and faux independence he hasnt earnt.

This is a DP problem not a SS problem, to quote a mumsnet saying. He's doing fuck all parenting while his son is going off the rails.

I think you'll have to have it out with the boy's father. Either he backs you up and you engage more, or he does his own freaking parenting. Honestly, some men.

Has he ever been parented? Your DH needs to step up and be a parent.

The number of men who get re-married thinking that their new spouse will take on the parenting of an existing (often very needy) child is gobsmacking. It is always the case on stepmother threads that there is a rubbish/absent dad not pulling his weight and a stepmother trying to hold things together in an impossible situation. It's infuriating.