To not want stepson coming into the main house?

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DP has a 17 year old DS from a previous relationship.

He lives with us FT and has done for about 4 months. We moved about 5 years ago and we had an annexe in the garden, and it's his house basically. It has a tv and tv and a mini fridge in sort of a living room, his bedroom with a double bed and an en suite. He does need to come in the house for proper meals but the annexe has everything he needs really. Before he moved in FT this was his space when he stayed.

Anyway, we have some issues with him and his behaviour, he doesn't go to college, he stopped going to school so didn't get his GCSEs. He smokes weed and other drugs, the annexe is a total mess with cans and bottles everywhere. He never tidies it but somehow has no shame and invites other lads and girls over and when they're here they all come into the main house for food, he has a fridge with food and other snacks that he asked me to buy him so there's no need to come into the house unless for meals which it isn't

He disturbs my DC and always leaves the back door open, he uses our bathroom and wees everywhere and he's constantly in and out and complains he's “bored”, he came in today and left a can of energy drink on the side and then complained because I threw it away. The energy drinks are all he drinks, I'm not happy about it! He then started winding the DC up when they were quietly reading and generally giving an attitude and being not very nice. He then came back in about 20 minutes later demanding I cook him dinner.

DP is hardly ever here tbh, he also makes excuses for him. I dislike stepson, would it be U to ban him from the main house?

I don't feel safe when I'm alone with him with the DC.

He definitely needs to go.

OP I feel for you here. It sounds like you've given this kid a place to stay for free, fed him, provided for him and he's just a useless dirty dosser. I wouldn't like him or want him setting this example for my children either. It's not acceptable for him to be there without being in education or employment. He must attain one or the other or he's out altogether imo. Not just out of the house but out altogether.

Yeah, that's an issue with him being in the bloody annexe! I have both a 17 year old and an annexe and while when I converted it I had an idea that DS might move into it (after he finishes college, not while he's still a child) the way he treats his bedroom demonstrates that he's not mature enough to live separately in a separate annexe. But OP wants him out of sight and out of mind. The poor kid needs some bloody parenting. If his father won't do it then someone has to make him!

There is an argument for insisting he lives in your house and lives by house rules etc.

Where is his mum? He's only been with you FT for a few months and he's already persuaded you he needs his own pad. Nope! He's still a kid and acting like a big baby. He doesn't get his own premises.

Where???

Perhaps you could message the OP, go pick him up and take him in?

Because he would be parented. Your DH has essentially washed his hands of SS, both in terms of parenting, and living arrangements. He’s failed him. And that is the issue, not whether he’s allowed in the main house (he’s a child, he should be).

You don’t have to live with an unruly, poorly parented, aggressive 17 yo. But your DH DOES. And SHOULD.

Halfway house, foster care, council flat.

Why should she? He has at least one parent if not two. Neither of them are doing their job properly. It's not OP's responsibility, though that doesn't mean she's not being absolutely horrible.

He can present himself to the council, move in with other family or friends.

Btw at 17 he's not a child, he's a minor.

Hahahahaha
halfway house? Halfway between what and what?
foster care - in what universe?
council flat?!?!?!?!

Present himself to the council and say what? My step mum doesn't want me coming in to the house and makes me live in an annexe? He's not homeless, he won't be housed! And why the hell should he be moving in with friends when he has at least one parent who needs to step up?!

^

That poor child. Neither of you are fit to parent him. You’ve put him in a shed. Shame on you.

17 year olds are still children, except they think they are all grown up and know it all.

The problem you have is that he’s in an annexe, if his bedroom was in the main house you couldn’t ban him from the house. If he had a room in the main house he wouldn’t be able to invite all his mates over. If he had a bedroom in the main house his food and drink wouldn’t be in a mini fridge and separate from the families.

Im not saying it’s easy but it looks like he’s quite isolated from the family already.
I think he’s crying out to be parented and may have been for a long time. We don’t know the circumstances why he’s living with you and not his mum, and it’s a shame his dad hadn’t stepped up and been there for him and it’s fallen to you.

In answer to your question, yes you would be unreasonable to ban him from the house, it’s his home. However he should be made to abide by the rules of house and have some respect. How you make that happen I’m not sure.

I’d be thoroughly ashamed if I failed my DC at 17 and they ended up in a halfway house. FFS it isn’t society’s job to pick up after lazy, ineffective dads who throw their first children away in favour of a second family (that they’ve recruited another woman to run).

They clearly have money and resources. But no time or care for the son. And I don’t blame OP, I blame the dad.

The issue is that his Dad is barely around & I guess doesn’t actually spend time with him. At that age they should be going to footie, pool, golf, having the odd beer together, father-son activities. I feel sorry for him as he seems a bit of a lost cause with no GCSE or college course. Presumably DH is quite well paid if you can afford an annexe. Can’t he direct him into his industry?
That said I do feel bad for you being the one to deal with him. Where is his Mum? Can’t he go there occasionally?

Yes you would be unreasonable to banish your stepson to the shed.

I agree with you 100%. However I also see this woman's dilemma and he isn't her child. She has her own children, she doesn't want him there. He is a deadbeat loser with no ambition. The council may house him.

He’s 17 so not an adult. Shoving him in the garden leaving him to parent himself doesn’t seem to be working does it? Surprising that 🙄

This.

The council won't house him. He's not homeless. Councils don't accommodate teenagers just because their stepmothers ask them to.

He could say he is homeless as his Dad's wife doesn't want to continue to house him. Say he is sofa surfing at different friend's houses with no fixed abode.

This. He sounds completely abandoned by the adults in his life .

agree—you are treating him like trash. not really your problem, but where are the parents?

You can give a teenager more space than banishing them to a shed. You could easily have turned it into a pad for him to have space but yet he slept in the house. He is 17 and basically only allowed in for main meals. No wonder he is acting out. Does anyone actually have a conversation with him that is more than could you pass the ketchup? He sees you all from across the garden playing happy families whilst he is forbidden like he is the black sheep of the family. I'm afraid your DH needs to come and parent his child properly, put some proper boundaries in place and force him into work or back into education. Give the kid some self pride back instead of being bored out of his head.