Page 5 | To not want stepson coming into the main house?

AutumnedCrow · 07/10/2025 21:10

TheBlueHotel · 07/10/2025 21:05

Why don't you leave your husband then and take your kids somewhere safe and leave him to pick up the pieces with his son? What alternative is there at this point?

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I have to agree with this.

Otherwise it’s a place for him in a council hostel for teenagers aged 16-19 who have been made homeless by their families (they do exist - we have one about a mile from my house), and his actual parents get to just walk away from their responsibilities.

His father’s behaviour is especially shit. It’s about time he stepped up properly.

terriblemuriel2 · 07/10/2025 21:11

Wishitsnows · 07/10/2025 20:28

WTAF! He is a child. Why is his father not parenting him properly? He needs to understand why he didn’t complete his GCSE’s and help him get him a plan in place for his future. Why is he with you FT time if you can’t even stop him smoking weed. You have him living in an annex with a mini fridge?! So you not see why he maybe acts like he does?!

A child? He’s 17…one year off being an adult. He is in no way a child who doesn’t know better. He’s very nearly a full grown man.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/10/2025 21:11

MollyMollyMandy33 · 07/10/2025 21:09

But he is a CHILD. He needs decent parenting by someone to help him sort himself out, not being left in his own space (however well intentioned) to do as he likes and consume energy drinks.
Being banned from the house is the last thing he needs. What he needs is much closer supervision, guidance and being welcomed into a family, albeit with boundaries. Either you or your DH need to step up urgently. Poor CHILD

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He ignores her. His dad doesn’t care. What the fuck is OP meant to do exactly?

TheignT · 07/10/2025 21:11

Articlewait · 07/10/2025 20:33

We didn't kick him out. He wanted more space so we converted the annexe, if we didn't do that and this was a thread on space I'm sure posters would suggest an annexe in the garden, I've seen it on previous threads.

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But people assume they will still come in and out of the family home not be isolated in the annexe.

valentinka31 · 07/10/2025 21:12

Articlewait · 07/10/2025 20:17

DP has a 17 year old DS from a previous relationship.

He lives with us FT and has done for about 4 months. We moved about 5 years ago and we had an annexe in the garden, and it's his house basically. It has a tv and tv and a mini fridge in sort of a living room, his bedroom with a double bed and an en suite. He does need to come in the house for proper meals but the annexe has everything he needs really. Before he moved in FT this was his space when he stayed.

Anyway, we have some issues with him and his behaviour, he doesn't go to college, he stopped going to school so didn't get his GCSEs. He smokes weed and other drugs, the annexe is a total mess with cans and bottles everywhere. He never tidies it but somehow has no shame and invites other lads and girls over and when they're here they all come into the main house for food, he has a fridge with food and other snacks that he asked me to buy him so there's no need to come into the house unless for meals which it isn't

He disturbs my DC and always leaves the back door open, he uses our bathroom and wees everywhere and he's constantly in and out and complains he's “bored”, he came in today and left a can of energy drink on the side and then complained because I threw it away. The energy drinks are all he drinks, I'm not happy about it! He then started winding the DC up when they were quietly reading and generally giving an attitude and being not very nice. He then came back in about 20 minutes later demanding I cook him dinner.

DP is hardly ever here tbh, he also makes excuses for him. I dislike stepson, would it be U to ban him from the main house?

So very very sad to read this, and, I'm afraid, it makes me feel quite angry.

Ban him from the main house?

How on earth do you think that will improve relations and help him through this time?

And if you answer is that he's disrupting you and your own children and you don't want him in the house then that is a big part of the answer as to why he's gone a bit off the rails. And now you want to ghettoise him further?

I am sorry but I find your attitude shocking. You need to deal differently with him and have better boundaries and motivate and reward him, and ... love him.

But the very fact I have to tell you that shows that unfortunately you don't know how.

Don't ban him from the house. It would be truly cruel and deeply selfish and ruin his life further. And conflict your poor DH awfully. How could you even think of doing this?

Anonymous23456 · 07/10/2025 21:12

Articlewait · 07/10/2025 21:04

No, we didn't move him out when he was 12. He and DS were sharing a partitioned room. Then about a year ago he was complaining about sharing. The annexe was already there but more a games room that he'd go in to chill but we eventually ended up converting it and he stayed in there when he was here and now full time.

He started refusing to go to school, he complained he was anxious but DP didn't do anything to help him he just gave in and it wasn't any of my business (his words), he still uses the anxiety excuse a lot but I don't believe it.

I try to speak to stepson but he ignores me and says he can do what he wants. And yes, I am worried he might hit me. I also don't want him spouting misogynistic things in front of DS and DD’s

Who said it was none of your business, your husband or your SS? Your H is a shit father. He's chosing not to parent. SS is a result of his failure as a dad. He's also failing you as a H if your scared and disrespected in your own home by his son.

valentinka31 · 07/10/2025 21:13

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/10/2025 21:11

He ignores her. His dad doesn’t care. What the fuck is OP meant to do exactly?

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She's meant to find a way. She's an adult. And she's a step mother.

Fushoutofwata · 07/10/2025 21:14

RavenPie · 07/10/2025 21:10

No. He’s to little. He hasn’t been brought up to the responsibility and although it’s only about 5 minutes until he’s an adult, you don’t get to dump him early because you’ve twattified him (by “you” I mean his actual mum and dad). Immature, arsehole kids who cba to go to school, can’t study for exams, can’t stick at college, smoke weed and drink monster need more parenting, not less. “Mum kicked him out and dad cba” just isn’t good enough. His dad needs to be less shit. This hasn’t crept up. At 14 he wasn’t laying the table, talking about his homework, making conversation with his siblings over the lasagne - why wasn’t his dad parenting him then?
If you are not safe then the family needs to be split but obviously his dad needs to be with him, either somewhere else or in the current home. He can’t just “go to the council”.

Read your update. This nails it. OP I’m afraid you haven’t got a stepson problem you’ve got a DP problem. I would not stay with a person who cannot take responsibility and parent their child and abandons them. What makes you think your DP will support you and go parent your children any better?

Starzinsky · 07/10/2025 21:16

Sounds like the boy needs active parenting and definitely not an annex. Sounds like your DH needs to be reminded he needs to be an active Dad. That would be where I would look to first not banning a child from their home.

SunnyViper · 07/10/2025 21:16

Your DP is a weak parent. Tell him to sort it.

Rosscameasdoody · 07/10/2025 21:16

Ribenafan98 · 07/10/2025 20:19

No you cannot ban a child from your house. That is not going to improve his behaviour. What punishments do you give to him for bad behaviour? What boundaries do you put down with him?

She’s not his parent and as we’re constantly being told, as a step parent it’s not her place to discipline him. This isn’t a DSS problem, it’s a DP problem.

Holluschickie · 07/10/2025 21:17

valentinka31 · 07/10/2025 21:13

She's meant to find a way. She's an adult. And she's a step mother.

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I think the OP needs to leave and let her DP parent his own son. No one should have to live with a dangerous man.
Likely to be difficult but maybe better than the current mess.

Krakinou · 07/10/2025 21:19

His dad needs to step up and get him some counseling if he’s addicted to weed. And lay down some serious rules at least for when he’s in your house. Can you get DP to spend some time with him just hanging out in the annex together in the evening. It sounds like he’s really lonely.

It’s not acceptable that you are scared of him though. Your DP needs to address it. Did his mum kick him out for the same reason?

I had a friend at 17 who was going off the rails and her parents rented her a flat and “let” her move out. She did pull herself together academically (though she was really bright and didn’t drop out of college officially). She’s very successful now. But it was an incredibly hard and lonely time for her.

NimbleDreamer · 07/10/2025 21:19

Glitchymn1 · 07/10/2025 20:42

^

That poor child. Neither of you are fit to parent him. You’ve put him in a shed. Shame on you.

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Pretty much this tbh.

Reading this thread has upset me at how poorly he has been treated.

OP you and your DH should be thoroughly ashamed of yourselves.

Dublassie · 07/10/2025 21:20

OMG this so so sad 😢!!! I hug my big lads when they come in every day from uni . One of them is nearly 21!!! This poor kid must feel so unloved …..

Raisetheroof2026 · 07/10/2025 21:21

Articlewait · 07/10/2025 20:27

DP often works long hours and often in different areas, so it falls to me to do most of the parenting for SS and our DC, SS never listens to me, he's over 6ft and I don't want him behaving aggressively in front of my DC.

To the poster saying he shouldn't be in the annexe anyway - why not? He was complaining about not having his own space, so we converted the annexe into a space for him.

I’ve thought about this one. And I’ve come out thinking he needs connection and companionship even if he is a moody teen why are you banishing him to the annex?! He’s still a child. Make him part of the family again - on your rules of course - but what you are doing is mortally wrong and I feel for the boy.

Joeylove88 · 07/10/2025 21:22

OP I am not a parent to a teenager but at the end of the day him 'living' in the annexe should surely be a privilege and if he cant respect that space then maybe he does need to come back into the main house and realise you dont just get to use such a lovely space to make into a shithole and he either learns some respect for the property or he stays in the main house. It sounds like he actually needs some boundaries instead of being left to himself his dad needs to be parenting him though and this should not be left to you! His dad needs to spend some time with him to help him and to set boundaries especially as you say you dont even feel safe being alone with him...thats a whole other issue! It's a bit of a mess but its a mess that his actual parents should be fixing!!

DierdreDaphne · 07/10/2025 21:22

Your DP is failing his son (and you and your shared kids) very badly indeed. This child is not being parented. Has your DP explicitly handed that responsibility to you? If so and if you have accepted the responsibility, then you are failing him as well. But it seems the opposite is the case, your DP told you to "stay out if it" ie don't parent him either. So neither of you are parenting him, he is being left to flail about in the breeze of teenage impulses.

So this is on your DP primarily. However I am shocked that you are not demanding your DP step up and help his son. What does he expect to become of him if he continues to ignore the issue, and indeed, to explicitly tell you to keep out of it???, this might end very badly very soon. It suggests you are not really a partnership at all.

Nestingbirds · 07/10/2025 21:22

Articlewait · 07/10/2025 20:28

Hopefully my child wouldn't behave like this in the first place.

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Well they might.., poor kid. I can’t bear to read this tbh

Holluschickie · 07/10/2025 21:22

The boy's own mum has kicked him out and his own dad ignores him, but the OP is getting all the hate for a child she is not allowed to parent.
Would not be a stepmum for all the tea in china.

TheRocksStoppedRolling · 07/10/2025 21:24

Holluschickie · 07/10/2025 21:22

The boy's own mum has kicked him out and his own dad ignores him, but the OP is getting all the hate for a child she is not allowed to parent.
Would not be a stepmum for all the tea in china.

She is the one posting, but most people recognise that his dad has failed him. OP is choosing to be part of this so is partly to blame though.

Allthatshines1992 · 07/10/2025 21:25

Holluschickie · 07/10/2025 21:22

The boy's own mum has kicked him out and his own dad ignores him, but the OP is getting all the hate for a child she is not allowed to parent.
Would not be a stepmum for all the tea in china.

Yeah, it's a sad situation all round for the boy, for the OP and maybe even for the OP's children in this too.

LargeChestofDrawers · 07/10/2025 21:25

So his mum doesn't want him, his dad can't be arsed, and you just want rid of him. How charming. He'll be having to use all his mental survival skills (built by himself, probably not healthy ones) to get through life. What other choice does he have about where to live? None is the answer. He obviously knows his mum doesn't want him, and he will also know his dad can't be arsed, and he will also know that you want rid of him, but at 17, he has nowhere else to go.

No wonder he behaves as he does. It's all bravado, hiding a hurt, scared, rejected boy.

I suggest you contact social services and get him some support, or will you not, in case it reflects badly on all you adults?

mummymissessunshine · 07/10/2025 21:26

OMG. That poor boy. Abandoned and unloved and uncared for in the annex.

you can’t buy a teenager. You can’t just stick them outside in the garden and provide food and hope they make it to adulthood in good form.
They need love. They need boundaries. They need parenting. they need nurturing. They need connections. They need mentors. They need role models. They need standards. They need to be believed in.

he isn’t / wasn’t a mini adult.

I don’t know how you change things now but you and his parents need to make some changes. For everyone’s sake.

socks1107 · 07/10/2025 21:26

I understand your pov and it would drive me mad but also he is a young man excluded from family life into the garden.