To not want stepson coming into the main house?

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DP has a 17 year old DS from a previous relationship.

He lives with us FT and has done for about 4 months. We moved about 5 years ago and we had an annexe in the garden, and it's his house basically. It has a tv and tv and a mini fridge in sort of a living room, his bedroom with a double bed and an en suite. He does need to come in the house for proper meals but the annexe has everything he needs really. Before he moved in FT this was his space when he stayed.

Anyway, we have some issues with him and his behaviour, he doesn't go to college, he stopped going to school so didn't get his GCSEs. He smokes weed and other drugs, the annexe is a total mess with cans and bottles everywhere. He never tidies it but somehow has no shame and invites other lads and girls over and when they're here they all come into the main house for food, he has a fridge with food and other snacks that he asked me to buy him so there's no need to come into the house unless for meals which it isn't

He disturbs my DC and always leaves the back door open, he uses our bathroom and wees everywhere and he's constantly in and out and complains he's “bored”, he came in today and left a can of energy drink on the side and then complained because I threw it away. The energy drinks are all he drinks, I'm not happy about it! He then started winding the DC up when they were quietly reading and generally giving an attitude and being not very nice. He then came back in about 20 minutes later demanding I cook him dinner.

DP is hardly ever here tbh, he also makes excuses for him. I dislike stepson, would it be U to ban him from the main house?

And the issue with 50/50 is often kids slip through the cracks between the houses…co-parenting is hard yes but clearly these issues started before!

I can’t help but feel at 17 he should be banned from the Annex not the house. Especially if he’s not following house rules there - smoking and drinking energy drinks. He needs to live in the same building as an actual parent and it sounds like neither you or his dad are currently parenting him.

What’s the long term plan if you do ban him from the house… he gets to make up his own rules and live indefinitely in the annex?

I agree. Ban from the annexe and lives in the house until things improve. This kid needs proper parenting!

Once he's 18 I guess you can tell him to fully move out. Or start paying rent for the annexe.

And stop cooking meals for him and cleaning up after him. But he needs to be able to use the kitchen and bathroom if there is none in the annexe.

Then perhaps she should have thought of that before becoming a step parent

As I said I would never become one myself, but are you arguing that every stepmum should be prepared to encounter violence from her stepsons?

How do you predict whether a step-child is going to become violent?

In this case it should have been abundantly clear from the fact that the stepson wasn't being adequately parented or cared for and was being left to fend for himself in an annexe that he was going to end up acting out in some way. The causal link between how he's been treated by his parents (and the OP) and how he's acting now is obvious.

It’s absolutely ludicrous that people are blaming op for this situation.

The ‘poor little boy’ wasn’t kicked out. He was given his own space away from his younger siblings, not a shed but a heated annexe! This is a huge luxury that many teens would love to have. His mum kicked him out, has anyone wondered why that might be? Because he was an aggressive, lazy druggie by the sounds of it. At what point will he take responsibility for his own behaviour given that he’s very close to being a grown man.

Posters rewriting the narrative to give them an excuse to bash blended families (a depressingly common trend on here) need to be realistic. Would you want a 6ft man like this around you and your kids when they are behaving in such a way?

Did the 6ft man behaving like this just pop up out of nowhere? Or did the OP know when she chose her husband that he had a son, who would grow into a 17yo young man, and that the type of young man he'd grow into would be affected by her husband's parenting and her own step-parenting?

That "druggie" sneer is an awfully bad look on you. Very judgmental.

Agree with other posters, this is just poor parenting. You have basically gone, well he is a challenge lets kick him out into the garden and give up.

He may have asked for more space, I am sure he liked the idea but as a parent your job is to make the hard decisions.

The hard decision here was to say, you are not making good choices, as much as you want your own space you cant be trusted to do so. Instead you will stay in the main house and have oversight on what you are doing.

The main AH here is your partner.

Yes clearly her crystal ball wasn’t working when she decided to get with her dh. You’re quite right, she should have known exactly what this boy would grow into.

We don’t really know the ins and outs of her dh’s parenting from the small snippets of info in her post but it’s worth remembering that even dc with good upbringings can exhibit this sort of behaviour. There is only so long people can blame poor parenting, it won’t wash with an employer or potential partner will it? “Oh my dad made me live in a shed so I’m going to be feckless and lazy and do drugs.”

Ironic that I’m judgemental for calling him a druggie but the posters falling themselves to blame and berate the op are not 🤔

That's not an answer to the question.

@gannett Tbf, the OP probably didn’t realize that her DP was going to be such a crap Dad to his son. He might have been better when his son was younger- younger children are v. different to stroppy teenagers.

What the OP needs to realize is that her SS is almost certainly feeling unwanted and unloved by his parents, who aren’t setting any boundaries or expectations. My DS (17) def. needs them and he still needs affirmation that we’re there for him. I bet if the OP invited him in for meals and sat and chatted to him sometimes, she’d get a very different perspective.

I feel for the OP as she’s been unfairly placed on this situation by her SS’s two unwilling parents. But kindness and a listening ear may do wonders, if she’s willing to make the effort.

Well it's his house too as it's his dad's. But that doesn't mean that there shouldn't be some ground rules for behaviour that his dad soul set and enforce. Bannng him from the house is unreasonable though.

But factual...

if she's willing to make the effort.

Or if she dare? I think she said she's afraid of him or afraid of his behaviour in front of the younger DC.

@Petitchat Yes, living on energy drinks will only make him more aggressive, he needs proper food. I can’t understand why his Dad is paying for them.

Seriously? 🤣

If you are truly scared you need a family meeting with DP and DSS try have your younger children away at the time. Write all your grievances down and what will happen moving forward be explicit with DP that this us non- negotiable and he needs to get a hold of his sons behaviour or otherwisecje will need to go back to his mothers.(or DP moves court with him) . At the end of the day you need to safeguard yourself and your children but also address what is DSS future he cannot go on doing nothing living a freeloading life forever. DP needs to step up and support him to get his act together for his own sake. If he has anxiety then that needs addressing by going to the GP .
You need to work on building him up but this cannot be done without boundaries and a plan that everyone sticks to.

Looking at my own 17yo and can’t imagine putting him in an adjoining house and leaving him to it. At 17 did your parents show you the door? Op he’s not 23 or 25, his dad needs to try to help him

Being ‘given your own space’ in no way means that he has been adequately parented, by either the OP or his father.
It sounds like these issues have been going on for a long time. He may be nearly 18 now, but this obviously started when he was younger. He was, as still is, a CHILD

He is 17 so he actually has to do what you says as you can’t throw him out lol

no more visits from friends would be a good start but then I guess nothing has ever been done towards building up some kind of respect to these rules? To start at 17 is really not great and if he isn’t in school also not a lot of support?

I’d be asking DP to sort his son out or you take yourself and kid away until it is? It is going to be extremely difficult for you to do anything and let’s be honest your dp just leave it with you and it is just not ok.

No wonder he's gone off the rails, it doesn't sound like anyone has any interest in parenting him. His self esteem is probably on the floor and he feels completely lost and like no one really gives a shit.

He sounds like a big of a waste of space tbh.
Is your husband happy with his son's behaviour?