Page 12 | To not want stepson coming into the main house?

Articlewait · 2025-10-07T19:17:19+00:00

DP has a 17 year old DS from a previous relationship. He lives with us FT and has done for about 4 months. We moved about 5 years ago and we had an annexe in the garden, and it's his house basically. It has a tv and tv and a mini fridge in sort of a living room, his bedroom with a double bed and an en suite. He does need to come in the house for proper meals but the annexe has everything he needs really. Before he moved in FT this was his space when he stayed. Anyway, we have some issues with him and his behaviour, he doesn't go to college, he stopped going to school so didn't get his GCSEs. He smokes weed and other drugs, the annexe is a total mess with cans and bottles everywhere. He never tidies it but somehow has no shame and invites other lads and girls over and when they're here they all come into the main house for food, he has a fridge with food and other snacks that he asked me to buy him so there's no need to come into the house unless for meals which it isn't He disturbs my DC and always leaves the back door open, he uses our bathroom and wees everywhere and he's constantly in and out and complains he's “bored”, he came in today and left a can of energy drink on the side and then complained because I threw it away. The energy drinks are all he drinks, I'm not happy about it! He then started winding the DC up when they were quietly reading and generally giving an attitude and being not very nice. He then came back in about 20 minutes later demanding I cook him dinner. DP is hardly ever here tbh, he also makes excuses for him. I dislike stepson, would it be U to ban him from the main house?

Blablibladirladada · 08/10/2025 18:37

Tryingatleast · 08/10/2025 18:29

Looking at my own 17yo and can’t imagine putting him in an adjoining house and leaving him to it. At 17 did your parents show you the door? Op he’s not 23 or 25, his dad needs to try to help him

Yeah…he defo has been put out for the peace I guess but no child would react nicely to that…

To take independence yes so as a « starter »…you can have this mini house and you need to pay us the bills you use bla-bla-bla…this kind of things. He just has been put in there and by the look of it is banned from the main…

I read a similar story where later stepson inherited looooads from his mom side and in this case the op had nothing. Only then the step mom got interested for « her kid » and knew how it feels to have the table turned.

this story is sad really.

Wetoldyousaurus · 08/10/2025 18:46

I agree with posters saying he needs to be loved more. You, you husband and his mother need a plan. Bring him into the house with some strict rules. He contributes to chores - along with your own DC. One night a week is family board game night. Another night is family movie/tv night. Help him form appropriate bonds with his siblings. No energy drinks or drugs on the property, apart from communal cups of tea and coffee and a beer or wine on special occasions. Show him how to cook and assign him one dinner night per week with a budget - he must shop and cook the food for all of you at least once a week. When he has managed some of these he will be allowed to live in the annex again but only if he keeps it tidy and no obvious illegal drug use. When you got together with his dad you signed up to become a responsible adult in this child’s life. You have a responsibility towards him. Make it very clear though that if he doesn’t meet expectations then there will be consequences. And also create a reward system. And make sure he is very cognisant that the safety and needs of the youngest or most vulnerable members of the family must come first. This kid needs parenting, affection, attention and a chance to contribute positively. Please be generous enough to give him that or he will be a pest in society and to himself for the rest of his life.

Wildefish · 08/10/2025 18:46

TheBlueHotel · 07/10/2025 20:20

Yes, obviously you would. But why is his dad hardly ever there? What kind of fucked up home are you running?

RUDE . If it’s anyone’s fault it’s the father not the stepmother.

MeetMyCat · 08/10/2025 18:47

Dishwater · 07/10/2025 20:19

Watching this avidly. I think because it’s your step son you’ll get grief but if it were your own son people would call him a waster!

This is so true!

croydon15 · 08/10/2025 18:48

He should either be in full time education or looking for a job and certainly not doing drugs, he will ruin his health and life, time for DH to step up.

Sugargliderwombat · 08/10/2025 18:49

Your dp is an absolutely useless waste of a dad. He needs to solve this problem by actually parenting, he is failing you all.

waterrat · 08/10/2025 18:50

He needs to be parented - not just have food put in the shed.

Spinmerightroundbaby · 08/10/2025 18:50

Articlewait · 07/10/2025 20:27

DP often works long hours and often in different areas, so it falls to me to do most of the parenting for SS and our DC, SS never listens to me, he's over 6ft and I don't want him behaving aggressively in front of my DC.

To the poster saying he shouldn't be in the annexe anyway - why not? He was complaining about not having his own space, so we converted the annexe into a space for him.

Agreed. For many teenagers this would actually be living the dream. I think his intrusion into the home and the mess he makes are the least of your problems though. He needs his dad to step in, step up and provide him with some guidance. He needs some boundaries. While you can lay down some rules about what he can and can’t do in the main house, if he isn’t studying he should be getting a job.

waterrat · 08/10/2025 18:52

He is a school refusing child who isn't being properly parented - who has anxiety and could only manage a day of college? has anyone had him assessed for any ND conditions? or for trauma?

He lost both parents effectively and when did he last have a proper family around him?

You are talking as though he is a grown man - he should have proper support!

Barnbrack · 08/10/2025 18:53

TheBlueHotel · 07/10/2025 20:20

Yes, obviously you would. But why is his dad hardly ever there? What kind of fucked up home are you running?

Yep, sums up my initial reaction

Barnbrack · 08/10/2025 18:57

Articlewait · 07/10/2025 21:04

No, we didn't move him out when he was 12. He and DS were sharing a partitioned room. Then about a year ago he was complaining about sharing. The annexe was already there but more a games room that he'd go in to chill but we eventually ended up converting it and he stayed in there when he was here and now full time.

He started refusing to go to school, he complained he was anxious but DP didn't do anything to help him he just gave in and it wasn't any of my business (his words), he still uses the anxiety excuse a lot but I don't believe it.

I try to speak to stepson but he ignores me and says he can do what he wants. And yes, I am worried he might hit me. I also don't want him spouting misogynistic things in front of DS and DD’s

How many children do you have an what ages? Have you always disliked him so much or is it more recent? Where IS his mum? She chucked him out but is she now entirely uninvolved? And his dad is never around? Yet hos siblings have a loving mum protecting and caring for them (as you should obviously) while he's out the back not welcome in the family home. Regardless of how you got here it's a pretty shit situation for this kid. I wouldn't be surprised if he's anxious, noones even pretending to want him around

19lottie82 · 08/10/2025 19:32

You and (mainly) his father are basically letting him do what he wants, he’s receiving no parenting or attention that isn’t negative then you want to ban him from the house because of his behaviour. Do you see the irony and vicious circle here?

RosyDaysAhead · 08/10/2025 19:36

He’s only just 17 by the sounds of it and in no way ready to be living by himself. I would say he has that space on the proviso he looks after it! He needs to be supported to get back to college, stop the drugs and find a purpose. All you’re doing is alienating him, causing resentment on both sides and giving him non parenting at all. I think your husband needs to have a word, but first you need to realise there are 3 children that need parenting in your life, whether he is biologically yours or not, by agreeing he could live with you, you are basically taking responsibility for a minor and you need to step up, he need to toe the line and your husband needs to back you

carchi · 08/10/2025 20:04

BlueberryLatte · 07/10/2025 20:34

I saw this thread title and was thinking you were being horrible...but tbh, I think you're right. If I had the money for a special annexe for my teenaged son (not that I have one yet, but you know) and he trashed it, did drugs and got pissed all the time, I'd also not want him coming and going all the time and definitely not with a load of mates he's invited to his house (not yours). I was young once too and I would never have smoked weed at home and lived to tell the tale. I also had to check with my parents before I invited people over because I didn't have my own annexe.

Yanbu at all.

Totally agree. Maybe it's time for a compromise. He should be welcomed into the family home but only if he stops taking drugs (because why should his younger siblings see him stoned) and stop letting his friends use the OPs home as some sort of youth club for his friends. It's sad that his own parents don't take any responsibility for his upbringing and just leave it all to his stepmum. But he is not a baby and needs to start taking some responsibility for his own behaviour.

Vynalbob · 08/10/2025 20:19

I had to leave home at 15. It's not the US people should stop infantising 17 year olds. The bare minimum he should act with respect. If you're genuinely unnerved when your DP isn't there you've got to get it across to him. Just been watching the latest police in 24 hours for people without empathy for you I suggest they give it a watch (not a happy story).

Ribenafan98 · 08/10/2025 20:28

Shotokan101 · 08/10/2025 18:15

Seriously? 🤣

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Seriously what?

Wooky073 · 08/10/2025 20:29

Maybe get a social worker involved - as he is still a child and is clearly struggling, and you are also struggling. He has a right to an education whilst he is a child. It should not have got to this point but the longer it goes on the worse it will be. Get some help with him. He needs first boundaries and his dad to enforce them and support you. The dad needs to be at home sorting out his son asap.

Doubledenim305 · 08/10/2025 20:52

Daygloboo · 08/10/2025 00:29

But you've got to admit its rather inadequate parenting, blended or not.

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Inadequate parenting by the FATHER and MOTHER. not the stepmum who has no say but dealing with all the problems herself. I just don't understand the lack of empathy towards the stepmum. The actual mum and actual dad are getting away lightly here. THEY are the ones you should be gunning for, if you feel the need to blame anyone other than the boy.

ForNoisyCat · 08/10/2025 20:56

IAintAfraidOfNoGoat · 07/10/2025 20:21

I do get where you’re coming from, but he’s only 17 and seems a bit abandoned and unloved.

At the end of the day you’ll do what you do, but 17 years olds still need parenting. That’s not your job though. I don’t know, I feel sorry for him.

But parenting is a step- parents job, especially when the child/young adult lives with them FT. Poor kid - did he asked to be put in the Annex? There’s presumably room for your kids in your house? He might be feeling abandoned, lost and defeated; pushed out of the ‘family’ home, distanced from hus step mum snd his dad not often there. How about his bio mum? Is she any good? I feel deeply sorry for his 5 years of being ignored

ForNoisyCat · 08/10/2025 20:58

RosyDaysAhead · 08/10/2025 19:36

He’s only just 17 by the sounds of it and in no way ready to be living by himself. I would say he has that space on the proviso he looks after it! He needs to be supported to get back to college, stop the drugs and find a purpose. All you’re doing is alienating him, causing resentment on both sides and giving him non parenting at all. I think your husband needs to have a word, but first you need to realise there are 3 children that need parenting in your life, whether he is biologically yours or not, by agreeing he could live with you, you are basically taking responsibility for a minor and you need to step up, he need to toe the line and your husband needs to back you

Spot on!

Squirrelandnuts · 08/10/2025 21:00

Ribenafan98 · 07/10/2025 20:19

No you cannot ban a child from your house. That is not going to improve his behaviour. What punishments do you give to him for bad behaviour? What boundaries do you put down with him?

17 is a difficult age. His father has remarried, he is clearly not coping with school, he's farmed out to the out-house with no parent to care about what he does or give him any kind of proper guidance.

Why are you're surprised he's taking weed, and bringing various 'friends' to the house.

As for energy drinks, that's what teenagers drink nowadays. Some don't even touch water. Its tough, but if you all ate a meal or two together, you could dictate no energy drinks.

You knew your husband had a child, you don't get to push him aside for yours, whatever his behaviour, your husband is still his father.

Petitchat · 08/10/2025 21:03

RosyDaysAhead · 08/10/2025 19:36

He’s only just 17 by the sounds of it and in no way ready to be living by himself. I would say he has that space on the proviso he looks after it! He needs to be supported to get back to college, stop the drugs and find a purpose. All you’re doing is alienating him, causing resentment on both sides and giving him non parenting at all. I think your husband needs to have a word, but first you need to realise there are 3 children that need parenting in your life, whether he is biologically yours or not, by agreeing he could live with you, you are basically taking responsibility for a minor and you need to step up, he need to toe the line and your husband needs to back you

You need to step up, he need to toe the line and your husband needs to back you

I see this as the other way around.

The husband needs to step up, not OP. And she needs to back him.

ThisCheekyHazelSheep · 08/10/2025 21:17

Your disdain for him is clear.

Sounds like you've been on the scene what at least five years?

So from the time this kid was at least 12 it's been pretty obvious to him he's not wanted.

His dad sounds like a dropkick so not surprised he hooked up with someone who hates his kid because he's too lazy to do any actual parenting.

He's showing all the signs of ADHD, is obviously neglected emotionally, is engaging in high risk activity and you're talking about yourself and how uncomfortable you are?

You've left this kid to raise himself and you want to complain about how he does it?

Wake up to yourself.

Doubledenim305 · 08/10/2025 21:24

Petitchat · 08/10/2025 21:03

You need to step up, he need to toe the line and your husband needs to back you

I see this as the other way around.

The husband needs to step up, not OP. And she needs to back him.

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This. Absolutely.

changeme4this · 08/10/2025 21:27

You have a partner problem. The Boy has clearly learned to be a bully to get what he wants and his Father won’t stand up to him.

you should not feel scared in your own home, but this is a vicious circle that has been created.

Time for Dad to put his big girl pants on and be a parent and decent partner. Stop buying the energy drinks (which is adding to the anxiety), tidy up his Son or take him to work every day!

the boy needs an example to be set for him with boundaries and consequences in place. And not just for 5 minutes because this situation isn’t going to go away.

dad needs to be in it for the long haul.