To not want stepson coming into the main house?

[Articlewait]

DP has a 17 year old DS from a previous relationship.

He lives with us FT and has done for about 4 months. We moved about 5 years ago and we had an annexe in the garden, and it's his house basically. It has a tv and tv and a mini fridge in sort of a living room, his bedroom with a double bed and an en suite. He does need to come in the house for proper meals but the annexe has everything he needs really. Before he moved in FT this was his space when he stayed.

Anyway, we have some issues with him and his behaviour, he doesn't go to college, he stopped going to school so didn't get his GCSEs. He smokes weed and other drugs, the annexe is a total mess with cans and bottles everywhere. He never tidies it but somehow has no shame and invites other lads and girls over and when they're here they all come into the main house for food, he has a fridge with food and other snacks that he asked me to buy him so there's no need to come into the house unless for meals which it isn't

He disturbs my DC and always leaves the back door open, he uses our bathroom and wees everywhere and he's constantly in and out and complains he's “bored”, he came in today and left a can of energy drink on the side and then complained because I threw it away. The energy drinks are all he drinks, I'm not happy about it! He then started winding the DC up when they were quietly reading and generally giving an attitude and being not very nice. He then came back in about 20 minutes later demanding I cook him dinner.

DP is hardly ever here tbh, he also makes excuses for him. I dislike stepson, would it be U to ban him from the main house?

DH needs to step up and be a parent. Impose boundaries. Bin and ban the weed from home. It can destroy the mental health of teenage boys for life.

Can't he find a course and sort himself out. Doesn't his father think he needs to be doing something. Or does he need therapy because he sounds lost.

So do people think blended families have more problems ?

But you've got to admit its rather inadequate parenting, blended or not.

This didn't happen overnight and it can't be fixed over night.

I suggest that when your DP comes back... you give him a list of simple rules and he kindly and calmly explains them to DS. If he shouts, uses a nasty blaming tone and general makes DSS feel like shit, its not going to work.
Eg,. Clean your room, or no more fridge supplies. Washing clothes or cooking.

(explain what that means as he doesn't know) Empty the bins once a week for eg. Change the sheets etc
Most important - no drugs in the house.

If you see him responding to this and making an attempt.. encourage him. Make him a nice sandwich or something. Get the smaller ones to dust.. make it a family thing.

If you get that farm, DP then tackles the issue of ignoring and intimidating if you ask him to do anything. Ask him WHY he does that. Does he think its reasonable. What example does it set his brother and sister. Does he think its OK to intimidate women because you are bigger and stronger. Does he think you should be scared in your own home.

If you see an improvement in behaviour.. Thank him, without any "tone" but as if you were talkign to your DS.

If that works get in contact with careers advice at sixth form college and see what options he has. There will be some. They will have more knowledge than you, Make an appointment for him,.

If none of this works.,, then I think you may have to contact a children's charity.. I'm sure people can recommend on.. who may have some advice short of SS. But it may end up to SS,

Your DSS has never been taught and has been allowed by his father to find his own way (very poorly).

I think it may be an option for you to leave, but it won't help DSS at all since the dad will continue to be completely useless and it sounds like he dumped the responsibility on you and has washed his hands.

But you and your DC need to feel safe in your own home and if the drug behaviour escalates, you could feel very insecure indeed.

Just to add, since I can't edit. I'm no expert, and I don't know what's available, youll have to look about for good advice and actual help but it seems worth giving it a go,, before you escalate and if he sees you are attempting to help him, it might make a difference. Also stop any "martyr" talk or making out that his presence is awful for you. To give this a chance . Be very matter of fact and neutral with requests. Like you would with your own kids.

I'm sorry this seems to be falling to you. But it sounds as if his dad is useless... so its up to you to decide how much you can do.

Neither parent can be bothered parenting him but oh so typically posters on here consider you responsible for this absolute mess.

I agree with @AnneLovesGilbert , neither of his parents can be bothered to parent him properly and you’re landed with the consequences.

To answer the OP’s question, no, you can’t ban your SS from the house, it’s his home. What you can do is speak seriously to your DP and insist that he starts parenting his son properly. My DS is the same age and I completely agree that tall, muscular teenagers can be intimidating if they’re aggressive or demanding. You need to cultivate a positive relationship with him too - don’t push him away, make it clear that he’s welcome in the house and engage him in conversation, for example. But your DP really needs to step up, he’s being a crap Dad atm.

As others have said, the real problem here is your DP, who is completely abdicating his responsibility as a parent, and has done for some time from the sounds of it.

This boy needs boundaries, he needs attention, he needs support to not fuck his life up. And not to be a danger to you/his half siblings, if you think he really is.

Your DP needs to start being a proper parent to his son. That’s the job that he signed up for when he chose to become a father. You as a parent yourself should understand this.

This

Blended families seldom work out well for the kids

As a mum and a step mum I find your posts awful.

How would you feel if your dh refused to allow your dc in the house?

I appreciate his behaviour is poor, but he appears to have been rejected by all the adults in his life. Im not surprised he has gone off the rails a bit.

Her DC are not violent or misogynistic.
No woman should have to put up with a violent man in her house. Even one who has been rejected by everyone else.

this is a terrible situation - 17 is still a child.

still needs a lot of parenting and support

but your DH is a useless weak father - he needs to step up and parent him before it’s too late.

How could you still be attracted to DP? Urgh. I bet he leaves all the parenting on your DC to you. You might as well be a single mum.

So she needs to leave and take her kids with her. The boy still needs a parent.

Yes, that"s what I suggested upthread. Her DH sounds rubbish anyway. As does his first wife.

Don’t be ridiculous. Me and many of my friends moved away from home at 16. We survived. At 16, you can get married. At 16 in some countries you can vote / drive a car / drink in restaurants / have sex / have a baby etc.

But this isn't something that any decent parent would actually want for their 16 year old. Getting married , having a baby, moving out to fend for themselves. It's a nightmare scenario.
The dad needs to step up for this 17 year old.

Bollocks is she innocent.

The lion's share of the blame goes to the poor kid's dad, of course. No arguments there. A catastrophic parenting failure on his part.

But this situation hasn't just happened to the OP. She chose to marry a man who had a son already and she chose to have children with him. You would expect at the very least that the two of them - her as well as him - would have discussed how to blend their families in such a way that the existing stepson wasn't neglected and excluded. That should have been their joint responsibility, and they've both failed in it. (And if she wasn't allowed any input into how a teenager she'd be living with was raised, she shouldn't have gone into the situation in the first place.)

This kid didn't start behaving badly overnight. There would have been gradual escalations and warning signs. As an adult living with him, she should have been able to take action rather than apparently just wash her hands of him.

He should never have been sent out to live in an annexe in the first place. I would imagine many, maybe most, teenagers would want to do that - it definitely doesn't mean they should have it.

OK, this is going from bad to worse.
He is physically threatening? And he is being misogynistic in front of young children?
And your DH does nothing but continue the supply of energy drinks?

You are focusing on the wrong problem.
DH is your problem. Look there first.

The world had changed since you were 16.
No reputable landlord will rent to anyone under 18 or without a guarantor these days.

"when I was 16 posts are completely irrelevant here" This boy is not you.

Ahhh…the start of the drip feeding, now he’s a huge 6ft aggressive stepson and PP is worried for his safety 😂

Another sweeping and highly ignorant generalisation.

He and DS were sharing a partitioned room. Then about a year ago he was complaining about sharing.

How old are your DC? @Articlewait
It's hardly surprising at 16 SS was unhappy with sharing, particularly if the sibling is younger.
Why didn't your DC share a room together instead?

@Articlewait, teens are usually very sensitive to any hint they might not be liked, while typically being less sensitive to how their own tone of voice or behaviour comes across.

It sounds like this boy needs his dad urgently. In your shoes, I’d encourage his dad to seek help, eg from a family therapist.

JFC. Your DP is a useless idiot. You insist he takes a week off work to spend time with his DS and really work out what’s going on. This poor kid needs people to care not shove him in an outhouse.