To not want stepson coming into the main house?

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DP has a 17 year old DS from a previous relationship.

He lives with us FT and has done for about 4 months. We moved about 5 years ago and we had an annexe in the garden, and it's his house basically. It has a tv and tv and a mini fridge in sort of a living room, his bedroom with a double bed and an en suite. He does need to come in the house for proper meals but the annexe has everything he needs really. Before he moved in FT this was his space when he stayed.

Anyway, we have some issues with him and his behaviour, he doesn't go to college, he stopped going to school so didn't get his GCSEs. He smokes weed and other drugs, the annexe is a total mess with cans and bottles everywhere. He never tidies it but somehow has no shame and invites other lads and girls over and when they're here they all come into the main house for food, he has a fridge with food and other snacks that he asked me to buy him so there's no need to come into the house unless for meals which it isn't

He disturbs my DC and always leaves the back door open, he uses our bathroom and wees everywhere and he's constantly in and out and complains he's “bored”, he came in today and left a can of energy drink on the side and then complained because I threw it away. The energy drinks are all he drinks, I'm not happy about it! He then started winding the DC up when they were quietly reading and generally giving an attitude and being not very nice. He then came back in about 20 minutes later demanding I cook him dinner.

DP is hardly ever here tbh, he also makes excuses for him. I dislike stepson, would it be U to ban him from the main house?

Hi no your not being unreasonable in fact your being too reasonable. I kicked my 18 year old out after 3 years of trying to help him with exactly what your saying. Why are you filling his fridge with snacks then he's coming in with people for more!! how's he affording drugs you or your husband have been providing or his own mum giving him money buying food. I would with my own kids and step kids exactly the same 0 tolerance. My son has now started college and is getting up and going to bed it's cruel to be kind I'm sorry but there's absolutely no way I would tolerate this he's living off you both and doing sod all living the life he wants I presume mum kicked him out? I get mental health I did everything I could to help my son gently kindly for ages then I just realised he was taking the pxxs.Other posters saying he needs to be on the home I think are not seeing this he probably wanted and prefers his own place Scot free come on everyone wake up is this what we did no we went to college and got jobs kids if today are way too entitled fact is wheres mum I presume she ended up doing what I did and tired everything but had enough of the miserable life especially when the mess and disruption is in the family house like me he was going bed at 5 am waking everyone in bed all day up all night mess everywhere happy to eat sleep repeat. Drs did sod all after 3 years it was affecting me and the whole family.

This is absolutely horrific.
Poor lad , he has issues & sounds like all parenting has been abandoned.

How would you help your own child in this situation?

Definitely let him into the house; boundaries could improve and connect with him before any correction takes place. All sounds easy coming from those who are not in the situation. It comes off like Cinderella, the only difference being he isn't cleaning the main house and has a space he can call his own pad. Also comes off like he is separate to the rest of the family, which may be bearing on his emotions. He is still growing in the sense that he isn't fully mature yet, so his hormonal state is probably affected. And if his family are treating him like an outsider then he will continue to behave like an outsider. His behaviour is disturbing; however, he is clearly not feeling good about himself.

The situation this child finds himself in, is not of his own making. He is a victim of the breakdown of an adult relationship. He didn’t choose to be in this situation and still needs to be cared for and supported by the responsible adults in his life. You did choose this situation the moment you decided to live a life with someone who already had a child. Unless you are willing to treat that child like your own, don’t choose a life partner that has a child. I say this as someone who has been both a child who lived with a step mum and as an adult who has two step children and my own child. He needs boundaries, stability, love and to not feel like a visitor in his own home. Please show his Dad these responses, he really needs to step up!!

@Isamummy2021 The key difference is that you tried to help/ parent your son before you asked him to leave at 18. No one is helping or parenting this boy, neither of his parents, and the OP is stuck with the result of this. Her DP needs to step up and parent his son and the OP can be supportive.

He’s a child that you have shoved out into a shed in the garden. His dad needs to be parenting properly and you need to accept that when you married his dad he has a son he needs to take responsibility for. You can’t just try to get rid of him.

I just said it was inadequate patrenting. I font think I mentioned who. We font know. It could be the fathrr, the mother ir the syepmjm.or a combinstion if sll if them . Leaving a 17 year old like some kind of dog in a shed in the garden is ridiculous..

You need to set some very clear boundaries. Don’t ask DP, tell him… he’s not there and when he’s not there this IS what is happening.

I would set rules that when his friends are round non of them enter the main house!… you don’t know any of them from Adam and frankly you’re a woman alone in the house with 2 younger children….
He needs to either go to college or get a job… speak to DP, who is funding his energy drinks, alcohol and drugs? I’m guessing he also has a mobile… who funds all these luxuries?…
Sorry but son by biology or by relationship, I would not tolerate being spoken to like a piece of shit, I would not allow myself to feel scared in my own home and I definitely wouldn’t be allowing drugs on my property… with young kids there too?!…
His Dad needs to step up or I’d be leaving / throwing them both out .

Are your children with partner? Or from another relationship?

What do you propose OP does? Give her step son a cuddle and hope he stops being an abusive twat that scares her and her kids? 🙄

Did I miss something where OP said HOW the SS is actually threatening her or being abusive? All I saw when reading OP’s posts are that he’s tall, he makes a mess, he’s lazy, he smokes weed, and that somehow translates into him being threatening and making OP scared that he’ll hit her or hurt her. I’m not siding with the SS out of hand, I just can’t find where OP has mentioned HOW he’s actually been threatening, abusive, or misogynistic.

My thoughts exactly!

The boy’s own mother threw him out, but everything is the OP’s fault. She’s said she’s not allowed to discipline him, and in every other thread about stepmums, they’re told their DH/DP must be the one to do it.

Why is none of this down to the boy’s mother? She’s the one who kicked him out in the first place.

He needs love and care and your DH needs to step up before you lose DSS to a life of drugs and booze. Please don’t ban him from the house, genuinely feel heartbroken for the child.

I would invite him for meals and anything else going on in the house. He needs to learn what his consequences are for not doing his GCSEs and nurturing.

You need to get help as a family. You have a very unhappy and lost adolescent there with nobody caring for him or helping him find his way through a challenging period of his life. Does anyone actually care about him? How can he have self - respect or care for himself in this situation? His parents need to take some responsibility and you need to be part of the discussion. What a sad situation for him.

I agree strongly about leaning in.
Parenting is hard and teenage years can be really tough.
He shouldnt be in the annex as he clearly isn't responsible enough he should be in the house, is there a bedroom for him?
Why did he drop out of GCSEs?
Sounds like both his mum and dad are absent and you've been left with the very difficult parenting of a troubled teen.
Should say that teenage bedrooms are often a mess, pick your battles, a messy room or a can left on the side isn't the real issue here. Although a very messy room is often indictitive of poor mental health.
Do not ban him from your house, that will make it a lot worse and is very unreasonable.
Can DH be more present? Would his employer be supportive of a change of duties due to family circumstances so he can be at home more often?
He can apply for unpaid parental leave until DS is 18 so if you have savings that might be a good option or even get signed off with stress/anxiety due to home circumstances so he can have a good period of time with DS, it gives DS a message he is important and loved and to try and support changes.

Where is his money coming from? You need to get that stopped and he needs to get a job or go back to college.

It certainly worked out well for my DSis, her DH had a DS from a previous marriage and she was her DSS’s main carer during his teen years, whilst she was a SAHM with younger DC.

The difference was that her DH actually parented DS, and very well, and co-parented well with his ex. He and his ex were also happy for my DSis to deal with her DSS’s behaviour when his dad wasn’t there. He was mostly well-behaved, because the adults in his life cared about him and brought him up properly.

Blended families can work. The problem here is that this DSS’s mum has given up on him his dad patently doesn’t care, and his stepmum now actively dislikes. This isn’t really about blended families not working, it’s about poor parenting.

You don’t believe that a dope smoking male teen can be threatening and aggressive? What a sheltered life you’ve led.

In short, no, you can't ban a minor child from their legal home.

You need a serious, sit down conversation with his father though. Where's his bio mother in all this?

OP, if you are looking for solutions, it might be helpful for you (and your poor though infuriating SS) if you started a new thread focusing on the inadequacies of your husband as partner and father and on your joint failure to establish a stable home life for all the children in your care.

But if you’re looking to evade and redirect blame and seek sympathy then this thread is absolutely the way to go. Your SS is a monster! Your parenting is fine! How dare your SS not behave like the adult that he isn’t and sort out all his problems with no fuss or bother to you!

Why is the weed even being tolerated? One of mine went through a strange phase of wanting to smoke it and it was absolutely no uncertain terms banned from the premises.
If she wanted to go and do it, she had to literally go somewhere else and finally enough because she was so welcomed and loved in her home. She didn’t want to so the weed stopped.

Appropriating the language of domestic violence to talk about a child is disgusting.

Not the first time I've seen it on MN (it's a stepson thread bingo tbh) but still disgusting.

The kid didn't suddenly emerge in OP's life as a 6ft weed smoker. She's known him and probably lived with him since he was 12, I would guess. In that time, what steps were taken to prevent this situation developing? Yes, the main responsibility lies with his parents, but it surely was becoming fairly clear that he was going down a certain route. If his parents weren't stepping up, the OP's options including taking a bit of responsibility for a child living under her roof herself - or, if for whatever reason she couldn't do that, she could have protected herself by leaving a man who was proving himself inadequate as a parent. Instead she added herself to the list of adults who didn't give a shit about the stepson and showed it, and she's reaping what they all sowed now.

Sending a child to sleep in a nice shed in the garden rather than making him a part of your family is the problem.
He needs to get a job and help.with household chores and his father needs to lay down the rules.

Your SS needs more parenting and more support and your DH is going to have to step up. The Annexe is the space he seemed to be asking for but he has not had enough boundaries and support for this to work. Your DH needs to stop buying the energy drinks and set some clear expectations for SS. SS needs to return to education - DH can ask the college or local authority for advice. No fridge raiding by SS or his guests. Maybe SS could get a part time job to give him a sense of purpose.
Banning him from the house- no - but clearer expectations about respect, language etc. Maybe give him some responsibility about doing some of the younger DC’s reading homework? SS needs to feel like he belongs somewhere- and really your DH is going to need to lead on this.
Good luck.

It's been done - usually with terrible consequences for the kid.
Everyone needs to remember that this is an adolescent whose own parents don't give a shit & a stepmother who he doesn't respond well to. The result is that he is a little shit. He needs a major major intervention from his father & immediately. If this doesn't happen, the chances of everything turning out ok are close to zero. I am minded of the grandson of a neighbour of mine years ago, dead at 24 whose life closely resembled that of the OP's SS. Difficult adolescent, chucked out into bedsit land at just 16 rather than putting in the heavy lifting parents have to do. Oh, you should have seen the hypocritical crocodile tears when that happened! Quite sickening.
I don't blame the OP in all this but her DP needs his arse kicking and hard. If he won't do anything, she should consider taking herself & the younger children out of the picture as he will not be a reliable parent for them either should trouble come (it often does with young teenagers).