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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not want stepson coming into the main house?

372 replies

Articlewait · 07/10/2025 20:17

DP has a 17 year old DS from a previous relationship.

He lives with us FT and has done for about 4 months. We moved about 5 years ago and we had an annexe in the garden, and it's his house basically. It has a tv and tv and a mini fridge in sort of a living room, his bedroom with a double bed and an en suite. He does need to come in the house for proper meals but the annexe has everything he needs really. Before he moved in FT this was his space when he stayed.

Anyway, we have some issues with him and his behaviour, he doesn't go to college, he stopped going to school so didn't get his GCSEs. He smokes weed and other drugs, the annexe is a total mess with cans and bottles everywhere. He never tidies it but somehow has no shame and invites other lads and girls over and when they're here they all come into the main house for food, he has a fridge with food and other snacks that he asked me to buy him so there's no need to come into the house unless for meals which it isn't

He disturbs my DC and always leaves the back door open, he uses our bathroom and wees everywhere and he's constantly in and out and complains he's “bored”, he came in today and left a can of energy drink on the side and then complained because I threw it away. The energy drinks are all he drinks, I'm not happy about it! He then started winding the DC up when they were quietly reading and generally giving an attitude and being not very nice. He then came back in about 20 minutes later demanding I cook him dinner.

DP is hardly ever here tbh, he also makes excuses for him. I dislike stepson, would it be U to ban him from the main house?

OP posts:
Dishwater · 07/10/2025 20:19

Watching this avidly. I think because it’s your step son you’ll get grief but if it were your own son people would call him a waster!

Ribenafan98 · 07/10/2025 20:19

No you cannot ban a child from your house. That is not going to improve his behaviour. What punishments do you give to him for bad behaviour? What boundaries do you put down with him?

Simplestars · 07/10/2025 20:20

He has to follow your house rules.
Can't come when kids are doing homework or gone to bed.

No smoking or drinking in your house.

TheBlueHotel · 07/10/2025 20:20

Yes, obviously you would. But why is his dad hardly ever there? What kind of fucked up home are you running?

IAintAfraidOfNoGoat · 07/10/2025 20:21

I do get where you’re coming from, but he’s only 17 and seems a bit abandoned and unloved.

At the end of the day you’ll do what you do, but 17 years olds still need parenting. That’s not your job though. I don’t know, I feel sorry for him.

Twoshoesnewshoes · 07/10/2025 20:21

No, he is a child. He shouldn’t be living in an annexe anyway.
where is his Dad? Why isn’t he helping out?

Sunshineclouds11 · 07/10/2025 20:22

How would you feel if it was your child your DH was wanting to ban from the house?

Skybluepinky · 07/10/2025 20:23

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
Articlewait · 07/10/2025 20:27

DP often works long hours and often in different areas, so it falls to me to do most of the parenting for SS and our DC, SS never listens to me, he's over 6ft and I don't want him behaving aggressively in front of my DC.

To the poster saying he shouldn't be in the annexe anyway - why not? He was complaining about not having his own space, so we converted the annexe into a space for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Articlewait · 07/10/2025 20:28

Sunshineclouds11 · 07/10/2025 20:22

How would you feel if it was your child your DH was wanting to ban from the house?

Hopefully my child wouldn't behave like this in the first place.

OP posts:
Wishitsnows · 07/10/2025 20:28

WTAF! He is a child. Why is his father not parenting him properly? He needs to understand why he didn’t complete his GCSE’s and help him get him a plan in place for his future. Why is he with you FT time if you can’t even stop him smoking weed. You have him living in an annex with a mini fridge?! So you not see why he maybe acts like he does?!

Sunshineclouds11 · 07/10/2025 20:28

Articlewait · 07/10/2025 20:28

Hopefully my child wouldn't behave like this in the first place.

Show quote history

But that wasn't my question.

Redpeach · 07/10/2025 20:30

Articlewait · 07/10/2025 20:28

Hopefully my child wouldn't behave like this in the first place.

Show quote history

Thats not the point

MayaPinion · 07/10/2025 20:31

He’s 17! You have a child living in your garden having basically kicked him out of the family home to live in a glorified shed with a mini fridge full of Monster. The minimum you can do is welcome him for meals.

Original poster
Articlewait · 07/10/2025 20:32

Sunshineclouds11 · 07/10/2025 20:28

But that wasn't my question.

Show quote history

If my child was behaving aggressively then I’d back him up, if he wanted to ban my child for no reason and his behaviour was fine then I wouldn't be happy. But he's not innocent, I don't feel safe when I'm alone with him with the DC.

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 07/10/2025 20:32

It doesn’t sound like a viable set up. His dad is barely around and he’ll know you dislike him; does he have his mum involved? I’d imagine all of these things are contributing significantly to his poor behaviour, none of the adults in his life are interested in him and he’s living on the periphery. His parents need to step in properly and start supporting their son, not isolating him further and if that means DH changing his job so that he isn’t away and leaving it up to you all the time, that’s what needs to happen.

Barso · 07/10/2025 20:33

I wouldn't find the drugs acceptable either. He is still only 17 and clearly needs some support and guidance. Does his dad ever spend time with him or address his behavioural issues?

Original poster
Articlewait · 07/10/2025 20:33

MayaPinion · 07/10/2025 20:31

He’s 17! You have a child living in your garden having basically kicked him out of the family home to live in a glorified shed with a mini fridge full of Monster. The minimum you can do is welcome him for meals.

We didn't kick him out. He wanted more space so we converted the annexe, if we didn't do that and this was a thread on space I'm sure posters would suggest an annexe in the garden, I've seen it on previous threads.

OP posts:
Sunshineclouds11 · 07/10/2025 20:33

Articlewait · 07/10/2025 20:32

If my child was behaving aggressively then I’d back him up, if he wanted to ban my child for no reason and his behaviour was fine then I wouldn't be happy. But he's not innocent, I don't feel safe when I'm alone with him with the DC.

Show quote history

Sorry but I don't believe that.

Sounds like he needs some love and care tbh.

Millionsofmonkeys · 07/10/2025 20:34

Actually I would ban him from the annexe.
Lean in when they are struggling, don't push them out.

I am not convinced you are listening though. When you say he disturbs "my children" you mean he interacts with his half siblings?
And until you have parented a 17 year old boy (they don't sit reading quietly unless there's something awry, or they are studying) it's very easy to say "MY children won't be like that"....

pinkyredrose · 07/10/2025 20:34

Time for him to leave. You shouldn't have to put up with that level of disrespect. Where was he before?

BlueberryLatte · 07/10/2025 20:34

I saw this thread title and was thinking you were being horrible...but tbh, I think you're right. If I had the money for a special annexe for my teenaged son (not that I have one yet, but you know) and he trashed it, did drugs and got pissed all the time, I'd also not want him coming and going all the time and definitely not with a load of mates he's invited to his house (not yours). I was young once too and I would never have smoked weed at home and lived to tell the tale. I also had to check with my parents before I invited people over because I didn't have my own annexe.

Yanbu at all.

TheBlueHotel · 07/10/2025 20:36

pinkyredrose · 07/10/2025 20:34

Time for him to leave. You shouldn't have to put up with that level of disrespect. Where was he before?

He's 17! Where the fuck do you think he should go?

FunnyOrca · 07/10/2025 20:36

He’s 17!

I think the freedom he has been given here is probably self-reinforcing. In your position, I’d rather he spent more time with the rest of the family and had a few more expectations put upon him rather than being allowed to do whatever he likes in his own space.

DrPrunesqualer · 07/10/2025 20:37

You have relegated your stepson, who’s a child, into a glorified shed!

You then wonder why he’s acting up

Change his living arrangements
welcome him into the family home like your kids
be supportive ( especially your dh )

This will give him a bit of self worth which given his treatment it’s unlikely he has at the moment

Its a long road but worth it for everyone, especially your stepson