Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Expensive meal to be invited to do we back out

227 replies

workingitout1234 · 07/10/2025 16:12

Invited to a family meal on Saturday for FIL bday, not a main milestone (if it was different story)
they have chosen a fancy venue and it’s set menu starting at £36 per person, plus we have to pay £15 for our child
I had a baby 4 weeks ago and are on statutory maternity pay and am scrimping day to day, we have 2 children. I have to consider if I go to a soft play, I can’t ever buy coffee, I have to return unwanted gifts to get things we need.

what do we do? I don’t want to be rude but I feel like this is too expensive and I can’t lie it’s made me feel really sad about money.

have spoken to my husband and he is also shocked, I’m going to let him handle it and make the decision but I feel like nearly £90 is too much money for a meal out
have eaten there before and the food was awful it’s all about the showing off the venue

OP posts:
Namenamchange · 07/10/2025 16:14

what would you do if it was your dad? Would you go? Not go? Can dh go without you to make it cheaper?

How does the bill get split? Each what they orders it so many ways?

HeyWhaychaDoin · 07/10/2025 16:14

Agree, it won't just be the set menu price will it? Drinks too, then "can't let mil and fil pay can we? Let's split the bill'
And so even though you'll have drunk water, you'll be paying for.the rests drinks, coffee etc!

Bladderpool · 07/10/2025 16:15

Please be honest with them, a simple explanation that you’ve given here should be enough.

OneMintWasp · 07/10/2025 16:15

I would just be honest and say you can't afford it right now but why don't they come to you for a meal/take away / cake what ever. If you show willing to see them that's the main thing.

TheNightingalesStarling · 07/10/2025 16:15

Can DH go himself? Baby is perfect excuse for that, and a lot cheaper than you all going.

Whatareyoutalkingaboutnow · 07/10/2025 16:15

Just decline. It's an invitation, not a summons.

Wolfpa · 07/10/2025 16:16

The healthy thing to do would be to admit that you don’t have the funds and to bail out on this one.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 07/10/2025 16:16

Just say you can’t afford it so you can’t go, because that is the truth.

LeedsZebra90 · 07/10/2025 16:16

Be honest. It might make them rethink as you may not be the only one in this boat. In your situation I'd explain its too expensive so just DH will be coming.

Bottleplant · 07/10/2025 16:17

I'd explain just as you have here and both ILs and my parents would either say, don't be daft we'll pay, or accept that we won't be going.

Arlanymor · 07/10/2025 16:17

I think your DH should just tell the truth and say that it's too expensive for you all to go along, but they as he wouldn't want to miss it he will come alone. That seems a reasonable compromise.

CatsorDogsrule · 07/10/2025 16:18

At least they have been upfront that you have to pay for yourselves. I would let your husband decide, but in the circumstances wouldn't be keen to attend.

However, if my parents or In-Laws were inviting us to a meal to celebrate their birthday, they would be insisting on paying for all of their guests.

Sirzy · 07/10/2025 16:18

I think you should go for DH going alone.

Newmeagain · 07/10/2025 16:18

This would never happen in my family because if my parents knew I was struggling with money, they would not except me to pay for a meal out!

just be honest and explain you can’t afford it.

Bottleplant · 07/10/2025 16:19

Fwiw, I don't think a £36 set menu is that expensive, aren't most chain places about that for 3 courses at the weekend?

That's not to say you should go if you don't feel able to, but you're a bit sneery about their choice, and I wonder what underlines that.

Zempy · 07/10/2025 16:19

Yeah I am surprised they aren’t paying for you!

Politely decline due to low funds or send DH alone.

Allseeingallknowing · 07/10/2025 16:21

Bottleplant · 07/10/2025 16:19

Fwiw, I don't think a £36 set menu is that expensive, aren't most chain places about that for 3 courses at the weekend?

That's not to say you should go if you don't feel able to, but you're a bit sneery about their choice, and I wonder what underlines that.

May not be for you, but it is too expensive for the OP, that’s the point

Ttcno2thisber · 07/10/2025 16:25

Newmeagain · 07/10/2025 16:18

This would never happen in my family because if my parents knew I was struggling with money, they would not except me to pay for a meal out!

just be honest and explain you can’t afford it.

Same. Can’t believe this is an issue. My DH would just say “ahh sorry we don’t have the funds for that what with wife being on Mat leave and just had another kid but happy to come to you for lunch / dinner”

MidnightMeltdown · 07/10/2025 16:25

Bottleplant · 07/10/2025 16:19

Fwiw, I don't think a £36 set menu is that expensive, aren't most chain places about that for 3 courses at the weekend?

That's not to say you should go if you don't feel able to, but you're a bit sneery about their choice, and I wonder what underlines that.

This. £36 is fairly standard pricing, nothing ‘fancy’.

Hate to say it, but why on earth have you had a second child if you are struggling that much for money and don’t have savings etc to dip into?

hattie43 · 07/10/2025 16:25

I can only assume they aren’t aware how tight your finances are so let them know . They can either offer to pay , choose somewhere cheaper or you don’t go , that’s their options .

lola006 · 07/10/2025 16:26

If you have a decent relationship with the IL’s then your DH should go and just say “we’d love so much to come but with OP on SMP we just can’t afford it. I will come on my own though.” If your IL’s really want all of you there then you’d hope they’d offer to cover your costs.

A 4 week old baby is a great way to get out of things though. Maybe your DH and other DC can go and just use newborn as the excuse.

Allseeingallknowing · 07/10/2025 16:26

Saying you can’t afford it seems like you’re hinting at them to pay for you, though!

MummyNeedsCoffee1 · 07/10/2025 16:27

Yes, decline. They might want to split the drinks bill and it will get even more expensive and awkward if you don’t say anything now

Allseeingallknowing · 07/10/2025 16:28

Zempy · 07/10/2025 16:19

Yeah I am surprised they aren’t paying for you!

Politely decline due to low funds or send DH alone.

It’s a hell of a lot to pay out, unless they are wealthy!

IsItSnowing · 07/10/2025 16:28

Allseeingallknowing · 07/10/2025 16:26

Saying you can’t afford it seems like you’re hinting at them to pay for you, though!

No it doesn’t. It just being honest.