Expensive meal to be invited to do we back out

[workingitout1234]

Invited to a family meal on Saturday for FIL bday, not a main milestone (if it was different story)
they have chosen a fancy venue and it’s set menu starting at £36 per person, plus we have to pay £15 for our child
I had a baby 4 weeks ago and are on statutory maternity pay and am scrimping day to day, we have 2 children. I have to consider if I go to a soft play, I can’t ever buy coffee, I have to return unwanted gifts to get things we need.

what do we do? I don’t want to be rude but I feel like this is too expensive and I can’t lie it’s made me feel really sad about money.

have spoken to my husband and he is also shocked, I’m going to let him handle it and make the decision but I feel like nearly £90 is too much money for a meal out
have eaten there before and the food was awful it’s all about the showing off the venue

Ah yes because family dynamics work just like that....

I think having a 4 week old baby is a good enough reason to decline any invitation out if you want to.

However, I'd be honest with them - "sorry I'm on maternity leave so funds are a bit tight. We can't really afford it right now. We hope the rest of you have a lovely time".

My MIL has a knack of picking totally inappropriate venues (that she then expects us to pay for, including her bill). We learnt pretty quickly to just be completely straight to the point regarding family suitability and cost.

How rude!

It’s very sensible not to spend £87 minimum (will be more with drinks and service) on one meal when SMP is £187 a week. Not wanting to spend more than half of one adult’s weekly income on one meal doesn’t mean the family shouldn’t have had a second child.

I agree with that.

Either DH goes or you all send apologies and invite FIL to do something nice but not pricey, like have him over for a cream tea or something. With a young baby you don't want to be baking, or I'd suggest bake him a cake - but you can buy the scones, cream etc from supermarket and still have a pleasant small gathering. I would hope he would be delighted to be doing anything where he can spend a little time with his new grandchild.

I absolutely hate how many posters on mumsnet act horrified when somebody can't afford a meal out.

I'm a low earner and I've all but given up on meals out. I still go for coffee and cake occasionally. My friend who is a high earner recently posted on Facebook that he can't understand how anybody is able to afford the luxury of a £5 coffee without really thinking about it, Netflix subscriptions and so on. There are threads on here about how much groceries cost these days. The cost of living crisis is hitting many of us, and if it hasn't hit you personally enough to be worried about spending on a meal out, maybe just be grateful.

Either you decline and tell them the reason
or
you pretend that it's not a good place to take young kids and so say you can't go
or
you pretend that it's not a good place to take young kids and so say YOU and kids can't go but DH will
or
you suck it up and pay

I don't think any of those things make you bad people. Only you know what affect any will have on your relationship with them...and only you know how much you do or don't want to have that affect!

I'm glad someone else said it.

When we had our second baby we were in exactly OP's position. But we also knew that it would only be for a year or two, because then I'd be going back to work. And it was worth the incredibly tight budgeting for me to be home with the children at that point.

Not having a second child because you'd need to budget incredibly tightly for a year would be insane.

Id say with young baby you can't commit to being out that long. If it's somewhere with a bar Id suggest you meet them for a drink beforehand or after, and just do that.

I’m a MIL and I’m fairly up to speed on the cost of living.

However, if the in-laws have enjoyed a good standard of living for some time, they might not appreciate how skint you are at the moment.

I think you and DH need to tell them that it’s a nice idea but you can’t afford it. You can’t even afford to have a coffee when out shopping.

You have to be very blunt when other people are trying to spend your money for you!!

Agree

I feel it's a bit crass of them to book something so expensive, they must know that you don't have lots of spare cash at the moment at least. It's something I wouldn't do myself - unless we were paying the bill. Just say that you'd love to see them but can't afford it right now - offer to pop round for a coffee in the morning to give FIL his card/gift or invite them to yours for a coffee after the meal.

With all due respect, if you're struggling this much financially, to think that a £36 set meal is somewhere "fancy", then it sounds like you couldn't afford to have another child. Even forgetting this meal out, the way you talk about how tight your finances are does indicate that you couldn't afford to have another child.

Saying “with all due respect” and then saying something spectacularly rude doesn’t make it less rude. HTH.

Well it's a bit late for that, they can't exactly do an Amazon return.

I'd be honest and say something like "Thanks so much for the lovely invite. Unfortunately finances are a bit tight with [baby]'s arrival, but obviously we'd still love to see you and celebrate. Could you come round for tea on x date?"

Well the OP is struggling for money, it's not a "big" birthday and she hasn't enjoyed the food at this place previously.
A simple "sorry, we can't make it this time, but come over for tea at the weekend" should do it.

"ReadingSoManyThreads" yet remaining oblivious to the diversity of budgets and attitudes?
You have NO idea how carefully, or otherwise, the OP is going about allocating her budget, her savings, her priorities.
Just a nasty line in superiority, that on judgement, that is a judgement possibly as sweeping as yours, you seem ill entitled to!

I would tell the PILs you aren't coming and why. If they are in any way decent they will pay for you to come out of kindness. Most families manage to cope with the fact that not everyone has the same spending power and people need some help occasionally. But if that's not your way, at least you've been clear and you can send your FIL a birthday card instead.

I would assume parents in law would be paying???
To a birthday dinner they have invited you to.
Hope you’re recovering well so soon after birth. If you are so short on money then your family should rally around and help!

I would write a lovely note explaining why you have to decline. There is no shame in being poor. Add a nice gesture like an inexpensive bottle of wine to show that you'd like to contribute something to celebrate FIL birthday (and aren't just bailing out). A small gesture can go a long way.

Alternately, if you are a half decent cook ask them over for dinner. I often have to decline expensive restaurant dinners that I cannot afford, but still have friends over for dinner (at my poorest, I'd cook spaghetti for everyone with garlic bread for starter) with inexpensive wine. It's more about being welcoming a creating a fun, convivial atmosphere than the expense spent.

Yes unfortunately it would end up being more than the set menu price and you may spend the evening worrying what the bill is actually going to come to. I would either send just DH or tell them the truth and invite them round to you for something to eat or simply cake. Then it is down to them to say it’s on us (if it is in their budget) or they should accept you can’t afford it and be happy that you still want to celebrate with them.

Since you clearly couldn't be bothered to read the thread, let me share my post just above yours

You have a four week old

Just don't go

What a pointless and mean post. What do you expect OP to do? Put the child up for adoption? I assume that once OP is back at work, money will be less tight, she just struggling on Statutory Maternity Pay and so can't afford to eat out.

Be truthful you can’t afford it.