Expensive meal to be invited to do we back out

[workingitout1234]

Invited to a family meal on Saturday for FIL bday, not a main milestone (if it was different story)
they have chosen a fancy venue and it’s set menu starting at £36 per person, plus we have to pay £15 for our child
I had a baby 4 weeks ago and are on statutory maternity pay and am scrimping day to day, we have 2 children. I have to consider if I go to a soft play, I can’t ever buy coffee, I have to return unwanted gifts to get things we need.

what do we do? I don’t want to be rude but I feel like this is too expensive and I can’t lie it’s made me feel really sad about money.

have spoken to my husband and he is also shocked, I’m going to let him handle it and make the decision but I feel like nearly £90 is too much money for a meal out
have eaten there before and the food was awful it’s all about the showing off the venue

Great for you but for a lot of people it’s a lot. The poster has said it’s a lot for them at the moment so this is an unhelpful comment.

Me. Moire Rose, welcome to the conversation! TBF I love learning new words and this is a good one.

What a helpful and understanding post. Glad you posted.

OP unless you're one of those 'must do everything as a couple' people, send dh alone.

I simply said I don't think they've chosen somewhere expensive. It's a birthday celebration, a £36 set menu doesn't suggest they've gone out of their way to choose somewhere expensive, but obviously if it's toʻ much for OP they shouldn't go (which is also what I said) .

OP refers to the choice as fancy and goes on to say the food is awful and its all about showing off the venue, which sounds quite sneery to me.

I don't think DH should go alone, as PP suggest. That would be a much worse snub than not going at all, in my ILs' eyes.

So don’t say it.

Shes got two not a tribe of 12.

Blimey if I invited the offspring for a meal I would jolly well pay for it all.

Just be honest with them.

Are you sure they’re not picking up the bill? YANBU. They should consider everyone’s budget or pick ip the tab or host at home.

I’d be really concerned about the risk of ‘let’s just split the bill’ if DH went by himself.

Only the OP knows how likely that is, though.

I would say DH go alone and he can explain to his family the financial restrictions right now. If they’re decent and able they should treat you.

I think the point about it not being that pricey for a 3 course fixed menu at the weekend, is that the OP is implying that they've chosen something bonkers and are unreasonable to expect others to go. So a few are pointing out that it is hardly The Fat Duck in terms of pricing. If it is too much for them that's totally their prerogative and call to make, but the in-laws don't sound like they're being outlandish.

Thank you. That’s what immediately came to mind.

Just be honest “unfortunately money is really tight with being on maternity leave so we won’t be able to attend but hope you have a lovely time”.
No one (at least no one reasonable with any sensitivity) can argue with that!

Either DH goes alone, or you explain that you just can’t afford it and would FIL like to come round for a little tea and cake. End of.

I don’t think they’ve picked somewhere expensive. That seems very reasonable. However if you can’t afford it, then A) would either say that. B) send DH alone, C) say you’re already committed to another event that night and just make an excuse.
As someone said, it’s not a summons. Don’t overthink. I understand being upset over money though. That would upset me too, if things were that tight ypu couldn’t enjoy your time away from work. The prices of everything have really increased in the last 5 years.

Our DC are grown up. If DH wanted a birthday meal out with the family, he would pay for it and the children aren't struggling.

This is difficult on many levels.

It’s where you are in life and personal means isn’t it. Currently I’m still a high earner and mortgage free so more often that not I will pick up their tab. Having said that my Dad was still comfortably off in retirement and was not averse to treating all of us from time to time. That didn’t mean that I didn’t treat him sometimes or that my daughter doesn’t sometimes fight me for the bill.

Just your husband goes and explains why.

I wouldn’t call £36 fancy but totally get it’s not in your budget at the moment

just be truthful and say money is tight as on ml so that dh will come alone so only him to pay for

These threads always baffle me because I can’t imagine not being transparent with family - I mean I understand all families are different but it is so far off my own experiences it just doesn’t really compute.

In my family my dad always pays. He wouldn’t entertain us adult kids paying. When my grandparents were alive they always paid. But the “head” of the family in our hierarchy has always had pots of money- my dad only spends 10% of his income as he has an enormous pension and virtually no outgoings.

But my parents have always had an idea of where we are at financially and so it would never, ever, come to pass that we’d be asked to something that was beyond our means.

Your DH should be honest. And also offer to go alone if it’s that important. I wouldn’t spend money I didn’t have for sure.

I certainly wouldn’t feel up to going if I’d had a baby four weeks ago!
Let your husband go, it’s his Dad, and let it be known that the family budget doesn’t stretch to such luxuries at the moment.

Same with us. And when we invite we pay for everyone. We split the bill for works dos, but for family events we don’t.

DH just needs to tell them you can’t afford it. Surely they know money is tight for you?

I would just be honest and tell them you haven't got the funds for an expensive meal but invite them over for tea and cake afterwards.

If you can’t afford it, you can’t afford it.

I would say you and the DC have come down with an illness and for DH to go alone.

No way would I say I can’t afford it and make them feel bad.
You chose to have a baby and get maternity pay and they shouldn’t have to foot the bill for your families decisions.

I assume you’ll all put in to pay for FIL too and so by just DH going it makes it much cheaper.

Gosh , people are getting a bit hung up on whether £36 is expensive or not. It doesn’t matter, it’s too much at the moment for Op and her family.

And I would not be encouraging DH to go alone; as pp have suggested, some thoughtless chump will volunteer to split the bill, and pal for the parents; good chance DH will end up spending a chunk of money, while Op lies left at home, literally, holding the baby.

No shame in it OP, just say ‘ Sorry, not this time’ .