Expensive meal to be invited to do we back out

[workingitout1234]

Invited to a family meal on Saturday for FIL bday, not a main milestone (if it was different story)
they have chosen a fancy venue and it’s set menu starting at £36 per person, plus we have to pay £15 for our child
I had a baby 4 weeks ago and are on statutory maternity pay and am scrimping day to day, we have 2 children. I have to consider if I go to a soft play, I can’t ever buy coffee, I have to return unwanted gifts to get things we need.

what do we do? I don’t want to be rude but I feel like this is too expensive and I can’t lie it’s made me feel really sad about money.

have spoken to my husband and he is also shocked, I’m going to let him handle it and make the decision but I feel like nearly £90 is too much money for a meal out
have eaten there before and the food was awful it’s all about the showing off the venue

If you can’t afford it then you can’t afford it.

I think it’s a perfectly reasonable amount of money for a meal out. There’s 4 of us, 2 adults 2 dc and I don’t drink alcohol and a meal out is £100. That’s unfortunately what meals out cost. But it’s okay to bow out. You have a very young baby and a small child who will be no fun to have around at a multi course meal.

Your Dh goes, has a lovely time with his family. You invite them over to yours another day for coffee and cake to celebrate.

I had exactly this scenario when I had young babies. My father in law always liked to be taken out on his birthday for a meal. We had no spare money and it was really difficult. We would both just have soup and he would have three courses and wine. I found later that he also liked to be treated when we went for a meal for our birthdays or for our children's birthdays (he went by the view that if we invited him and his wife then we would be paying for them) Sad because we had to stop inviting them, paying for our family of five was expensive enough. After a few years of struggling, I had a chat with him and said that it was too expensive to take him out for his birthday but I would make him a meal and birthday cake instead.
This will happen each year so best to have the chat sooner rather than later.

I've been there with invitations on maternity leave, the drop in pay is a real shock. You have to start saying, sorry we can't afford to come, but we'll drop in the day before to drop off your gift. That's what we did both times I went on maternity leave. Living within your means is sensible and stops you going into debt. One average meal for the family is not worth going into debt for. Your fil has no right to be annoyed, if he wanted you all there he'd choose a cheaper place.

I understand that it's more than you can afford, OP, but I suspect your parents in law think they have chosen somewhere "cheap and cheerful" (maybe to help you!). £36 for a whole meal is not much, to be honest. They just have a different perspective to you.
But you don't have to go, so maybe you could compromise by having your husband go on his own? Otherwise, just say no!

This is what I’d suggest too

It will be more than what you have budgeted.

You will need your factor in drinks and service charges. If the bill is getting split evenly you will end up paying for others choosing wine/sides.

As others have said it’s not an overpriced menu. Just say with being on maternity leave you can’t afford to eat out and offer them to come over for cake or something. I recently hosted my family and instead of a full roast we had burgers and chips! Life is expensive at the mo.

It's not for a whole meal though is it? There are drinks etc .

Same here.

We will be going for a meal with DS and his partner for DH’s birthday next week. Our invitation so we pay.

Send Dh and you get to miss it with the new baby and all. I dont think anyone will question that. I remember those days and they suck but they will pass. I would get gift cards for my birthday and turn around and sell them to get diaper and formula money. Hang in there.

Just be honest: tell them are barely making ends meet while you're on maternity leave, and this is a luxury you cannot afford. End of.

You can politely decline the fancy family meal by saying you’ve reviewed your budget and unfortunately, it’s not feasible for you right now. Keep it simple and honest, like “Thanks so much for the invite, but I just can’t swing it financially at the moment. Hope you have a great time though!” or “I really appreciate the invite, but we’re on a tight budget with the baby just born and all. Let’s catch up soon another way.” You don’t need to go into detail, just light and polite. Most people will understand, especially when you explain you’re just trying to manage financially right now.

THIS

If your extended family consider £36 pp a “fancy” meal suitable for a birthday celebration, I’m assuming you’re all fairly impecunious. Surely they will therefore understand if you explain you can’t afford it? Not at all unreasonable to back out.

This!

Well said. £90 can be a weeks worth of shopping for example. It's a lot of money.

@Bottleplant , it’s set menu starting at £36 per person
It will be more than £36, and there'll be drinks on top of that.
If they split the bill, it will be much more, and someone will probably insist that the others pay for the PILs.

Tell them you can’t go and offer them a coffee and cake at yours another time. Have your dh do this.

Sending just your dh seems to solve all the problems. You can just say not up to it .

Yeah I don’t get the hesitance. We are ok financially but at the end of my MAT I was saying to family ‘I’ll have to see as I’m on 0 pay now’ or whatever. It’s completely normal and not shameful at all. They might have just not realised & be mortified or want to treat you guys or something! I do agree with PP’s that DH could just go.

Yes, which is exactly what I said.

If OP isn't able or doesn't want to spend the money they shouldn't go, but ILs haven't gone out of their way to book somewhere fancy, as OP implies.

This.
Honesty is the best policy and I’m sure they’ll understand.

I understand posters mentioning having her DH attend alone, but there could be problems. If everyone decides to "split" the bill and also pay for the parents, that is still going to be very expensive for her DH. Add in that some might have several extras, and it could become outrageous, even if he isn't given a full split. Say, if 7 people go plus inlaws, he would only be responsible for 1/7th and not 1/4th. The problem with that is the others could well get pissy and say they want it divided up by "family", so DH could get stuck with 1/4th or more of the bill if others bring children.
I would just bow out unless your DH can talk to the others beforehand and get the split worked out because, on the day, it will be too "difficult" to pipe up about the bill.

The above is JMO with a different scenario. It's not just the OP and their child adding to the cost if the bill is split differently because of strong personalities, etc.

I've been to group meals where there are CFs. They usually order lots of sides and drinks. The less well-off pick cheaper meals and are driving, but pick up the divided equally bill.

I agree with @AnnoyedAsAllHeck it wont be £36.

Explain why you cant go and then suggest some firm dates for them to come over for cake & coffee.