Expensive meal to be invited to do we back out

[workingitout1234]

Invited to a family meal on Saturday for FIL bday, not a main milestone (if it was different story)
they have chosen a fancy venue and it’s set menu starting at £36 per person, plus we have to pay £15 for our child
I had a baby 4 weeks ago and are on statutory maternity pay and am scrimping day to day, we have 2 children. I have to consider if I go to a soft play, I can’t ever buy coffee, I have to return unwanted gifts to get things we need.

what do we do? I don’t want to be rude but I feel like this is too expensive and I can’t lie it’s made me feel really sad about money.

have spoken to my husband and he is also shocked, I’m going to let him handle it and make the decision but I feel like nearly £90 is too much money for a meal out
have eaten there before and the food was awful it’s all about the showing off the venue

As a mum of adult kids I just cannot imagine asking my kids to come out for dinner with me without paying for them! We don’t go out often 😄 …but if we do we’d want to pay for the younger generation, always

When you say £36 per person, how many courses does that include? Because if it’s a three-course set menu it’s unlikely to be a particularly fancy venue and I can see why your in-laws didn’t think it would pose a problem, if they don’t know your financial situation. So, while I understand why you don’t want to spend that amount of money, I wouldn’t be blaming your in-laws for their choice of venue or thinking they’re being insensitive.

Obviously that doesn’t mean you have to go though!

What’s the dispute here between you and your DH - is he saying that you actually can afford it and it’s nothing to worry about? Or is he saying that he agrees it’s an amount to worry about, but thinks you need to go anyway and put up with the expense?

Since the food is awful, give it a miss whatever the price.

Explain it’s expensive so husband will be attending alone.

I agree but I personally wouldn’t send DH either. It was a joint invite and as a family if you can’t afford then you can’t. I’d save the money that otherwise DH would have spent alone and add a quid here and there so that when a ‘milestone’ celebration happens then hopefully the whole family can attend together.

There's no shame in not being able to afford things. Being rich or poor doesn't make you a better or worse person. This is family. You can simply say "we can't afford that, sorry not to be there" and don't go.

If the basic set menu is £36 pp you will pay at least £55 pp once the 15% service charge and a drink or two are added. Just say no.

Surely a father is a close enough relative to be able to be honest about how tight things are financially.

If you can't afford it, you can't afford it. Be proud that you're prioritising your family over something you can't afford.

That’s a lot of money on maternity leave, it’s a full food shop. I’d let my DH go alone, tell him to order his own drinks at the bar and take correctly cash to pay for his meal, perhaps look at the menu before he goes so he’s prepared.

Maternity pay is a real shock to the system, everybody knows that! It’s only temporary, but don’t be embarrassed. The struggle is very real!

Just send your DH on his own.

That’s fine, if you’ve got more money to burn than they have.

But my household’s income is now at least five times as much as my mother’s, and the price of a meal in a restaurant is far more affordable to us than it is for her, so no way would I be letting her pay for me. She’d love to, but realistically I’m not going to sit there watching her pay for my dinner when my partner and I have full time jobs on decent salaries and she’s an 80-year-old widow on pension credit.

I don't like wasting money on meals out neither OP. And it sounds like you are not in a position to be spending this type of cash on something frivolous.
Just tell them it is beyond your budget right now and send FIL a nice card and gift.

Who else had to look up 'impecunious'?

‘ Thank you for inviting us to lunch, we are a bit stretched with the new baby and extra expense. We would love to celebrate with you, why don’t you come over to us on x day for a lunch or dinner? X’

I'm very happy for you.

But whether YOU think it's expensive or not isn't exactly helpful is it?

I also think you mean "underlies". I don't think the OP was being "sneery" at all. How rude to call a mum of two stressed to the eyeballs about money "sneery" and to state it's "not that expensive". Who do you think you are?

Am just about to 😂

No it doesnt, its explaining the reality of the situation

It's the obvious thing to do

So people who can't afford to pay for the whole bill should miss out on going out with family?

Great if you can afford to pay for everyone but theres nothing at all wrong with everyone paying their way.

You can't imagine families different to yours?

Does your mum invite everyone out to restaurants with no intention of paying, or does she host celebrations within her means? Obviously, if the children are inviting/ hosting to celebrate their mum, it's a different situation.

My mum, also on pension credit, has little money so invites us to her, or (more often) we invite her and the wider family to us as we have more space. We also, as children, have booked a restaurant and shared the bill between the children, as it was our gift/ celebration for her.

My dad also has little money, but for a big birthday had obviously saved up, as he insisted on paying for us children and our families. We were expecting to pay for ourselves as we know he isn't well off, but he would have found it insulting that we didn't accept.

"Only £36" is misleading.

By the time a few piggies have added on today's special, some fancy cocktails, a few bottles of wine, some brandies, port and the cheeseboard, it will be a lot more. And they will expect to split the bill so everybody else is paying for their luxury.

As the responses thus far are demonstrating... do not say 'it's too expensive' or you'll get arguments about how it is relatively cheap compared to this that or the other.

Say 'Unfortunately our budget doesn't currently allow for meals out' and invite them round to yours for cake/drinks etc some other time.

Not at all.

There is something wrong if your guests can't afford your choice though. It would seem more sensible to celebrate within the means of those paying.

If you hate to say it you know you're being a wanker.

So just don't.

To be fair it isn’t expensive. It might be too expensive for the op and that is fine, but I don’t think it can be considered expensive for 3 courses ( assuming it is).

Any option to order just one course?