Page 6 | Expensive meal to be invited to do we back out

workingitout1234 · 2025-10-07T15:12:21+00:00

Invited to a family meal on Saturday for FIL bday, not a main milestone (if it was different story) they have chosen a fancy venue and it’s set menu starting at £36 per person, plus we have to pay £15 for our child I had a baby 4 weeks ago and are on statutory maternity pay and am scrimping day to day, we have 2 children. I have to consider if I go to a soft play, I can’t ever buy coffee, I have to return unwanted gifts to get things we need. what do we do? I don’t want to be rude but I feel like this is too expensive and I can’t lie it’s made me feel really sad about money. have spoken to my husband and he is also shocked, I’m going to let him handle it and make the decision but I feel like nearly £90 is too much money for a meal out have eaten there before and the food was awful it’s all about the showing off the venue

Futurehappiness · 07/10/2025 19:36

ReadingSoManyThreads · 07/10/2025 18:17

With all due respect, if you're struggling this much financially, to think that a £36 set meal is somewhere "fancy", then it sounds like you couldn't afford to have another child. Even forgetting this meal out, the way you talk about how tight your finances are does indicate that you couldn't afford to have another child.

Posts like this (there is a similar one upthread) make me really angry with their condescending superiority and uncalled for comments. You preface your post 'with all due respect' and go on to be insultingly disrespectful, insinuating that the OP is somehow irresponsible on absolutely zero evidence.

The OP does not say she is struggling financially, just that she has no spare cash atm during maternity leave so can't afford to eat out right now. That is so common for many people like young families faced with a rising cost of living.....I just don't understand why it comes as such a shock to some people on here.

Shr3dding · 07/10/2025 19:46

ReadingSoManyThreads · 07/10/2025 18:17

With all due respect, if you're struggling this much financially, to think that a £36 set meal is somewhere "fancy", then it sounds like you couldn't afford to have another child. Even forgetting this meal out, the way you talk about how tight your finances are does indicate that you couldn't afford to have another child.

Can you explain the thought process behind your post, it's not nice, it's not helpful, what are you thinking it's adding?

CurlewKate · 07/10/2025 19:51

Whatareyoutalkingaboutnow · 07/10/2025 16:15

Just decline. It's an invitation, not a summons.

Because just saying no with no explanation wouldn’t be upsetting or rude at all….

Shoxfordian · 07/10/2025 19:52

Have you already said yes? Its not great to back out really, especially for a birthday

Lavender14 · 07/10/2025 19:54

I think either you're honest about it and you make other affordable arrangements with them separately or your dh goes alone.

I'd also speak to a citizens advice service to double check you're getting all the financial support you're entitled to.

Whatareyoutalkingaboutnow · 07/10/2025 20:09

CurlewKate · 07/10/2025 19:51

Because just saying no with no explanation wouldn’t be upsetting or rude at all….

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Well now, I didn't say that, did I? Ffs.

Etoile41 · 07/10/2025 20:24

If you can't afford it, say so and don't go.
Years ago, PIL were having a largish get together for a special occasion. DH and I were a couple of years into our careers, we had just bought a house and I was pregnant, so we were very hard up and could definitely not afford dinner. We explained that we couldn't afford to go for dinner but would join them for a drink. We went had a couple of drinks and when the bill came, they tried to spilt the bill per couple, us included! We had 3 drinks v various courses and alcohol but wanted us to pay equally 🙄

ReadingSoManyThreads · 07/10/2025 20:49

Shr3dding · 07/10/2025 19:46

Can you explain the thought process behind your post, it's not nice, it's not helpful, what are you thinking it's adding?

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My thought process is that I see countless threads of people expecting or having just had a baby that are massively struggling financially. Of course there are times when pregnancy cannot be helped, but so many times these are planned pregnancies. It's not like the rate of statutory maternity pay is a secret, it's information that can easily be seen when deciding if people can afford a/another baby. I honestly think if people financially struggle to get through the maternity leave period, which is rather short, we're talking up to a year, then they're not financially in the position to have a/another baby.

If you're not earning enough to be able to save up to financially prepare for a child, then that should factor into the choice to have one.

I thought my previous comment was quite clear really. In terms of what I think my comment is adding. I genuinely didn't say it to be rude, I'm autistic so am quite blunt. I said it because it might actually make someone think twice about living beyond their means and having children that they cannot afford, obviously too late in the OP's case, but for others reading.

There's just a lot of financially irresponsible people, and it irks me, as my husband & I have always been responsible, since we were children. I really do feel for people who suffer job losses etc., that's why it's so important to have a safety net of at least 6 months worth of emergency savings. My husband was made redundant just 2-3 weeks before I had our second child, and I was a SAHM, but because of our savings, it wasn't an issue. We're not well-off by the way, we just have always saved to have a safety net.

Lindy2 · 07/10/2025 20:52

I think having a 4 week old baby is a good enough reason to decline any invitation out if you want to.

However, I'd be honest with them - "sorry I'm on maternity leave so funds are a bit tight. We can't really afford it right now. We hope the rest of you have a lovely time".

My MIL has a knack of picking totally inappropriate venues (that she then expects us to pay for, including her bill). We learnt pretty quickly to just be completely straight to the point regarding family suitability and cost.

SalamiSammich · 07/10/2025 20:55

How is this even a dilemma!?

"Sorry, can't afford it.but hope you have a lovely time. Perhaps you can come around on Saturday morning for coffee and a cake :)"

Original poster

workingitout1234 · 07/10/2025 20:58

The scary thing is (for the cost of living crisis).. we are ‘quite’ comfortable for a couple in our early 30s and find it this tough but many are much worse off, we have no debt and we do have savings that we have worked seriously hard to build up, but that is there in case things go seriously wrong (emergency). We can’t claim child benefit as husband earns ‘too much’….
but thanks to interest rates shooting up we have a large mortgage payment and everything has got super expensive, husbands industry has taken a downturn and his commission is much less plus job less secure.

we will go out for a bite now and again to spoons, a Chinese or Indian with a bring your own wine etc. it’s much less than £36 each

I thoroughly enjoy a spoons curry with a drink for £12 and paid only £9 for this recently! I can sit and enjoy knowing I can afford. Our local spoons is quite a nice one as spoons go.

my employer has no enhanced maternity so It’s stat for me only.
i think I’ll be going back to work early as this is just a rubbish feeling

OP posts:

rainbowsandraspberrygin · 07/10/2025 21:07

ReadingSoManyThreads · 07/10/2025 20:49

My thought process is that I see countless threads of people expecting or having just had a baby that are massively struggling financially. Of course there are times when pregnancy cannot be helped, but so many times these are planned pregnancies. It's not like the rate of statutory maternity pay is a secret, it's information that can easily be seen when deciding if people can afford a/another baby. I honestly think if people financially struggle to get through the maternity leave period, which is rather short, we're talking up to a year, then they're not financially in the position to have a/another baby.

If you're not earning enough to be able to save up to financially prepare for a child, then that should factor into the choice to have one.

I thought my previous comment was quite clear really. In terms of what I think my comment is adding. I genuinely didn't say it to be rude, I'm autistic so am quite blunt. I said it because it might actually make someone think twice about living beyond their means and having children that they cannot afford, obviously too late in the OP's case, but for others reading.

There's just a lot of financially irresponsible people, and it irks me, as my husband & I have always been responsible, since we were children. I really do feel for people who suffer job losses etc., that's why it's so important to have a safety net of at least 6 months worth of emergency savings. My husband was made redundant just 2-3 weeks before I had our second child, and I was a SAHM, but because of our savings, it wasn't an issue. We're not well-off by the way, we just have always saved to have a safety net.

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I don’t get the impression they’re struggling day to day - but that they can’t afford this extra.

having 6 months worth of savings is quite a lot of most people. The OP says they have savings. But I’m guessing this is hard earned and don’t want to spend on an expensive meal.

saying that - I do agree that in this current climate, £36 is standard unfortunately.

OP - just say you can’t afford it! Hopefully they’ll understand.

Ilovecakey · 07/10/2025 21:57

Evaka · 07/10/2025 17:22

If you hate to say it you know you're being a wanker.

So just don't.

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Exactly

ReadingSoManyThreads · 07/10/2025 22:14

rainbowsandraspberrygin · 07/10/2025 21:07

I don’t get the impression they’re struggling day to day - but that they can’t afford this extra.

having 6 months worth of savings is quite a lot of most people. The OP says they have savings. But I’m guessing this is hard earned and don’t want to spend on an expensive meal.

saying that - I do agree that in this current climate, £36 is standard unfortunately.

OP - just say you can’t afford it! Hopefully they’ll understand.

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Yeah, OP updated about savings and the non-entitlement to Child Benefit etc. after my previous comments, so doesn't sound as dire a financial situation as I took from the OP. Which is good of course.

If I were OP, I'd just explain to family that they cannot afford the meal but thanks for the invite and wish them a lovely evening. At the end of the day, it's an invite, not a summons. It's like the other thread where the attendance at a 'wedding' party would cost them £11K, whether or not they could afford it, it's their money, if they don't want to spend that much, they should decline without worry.

CalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 07/10/2025 22:58

I’d be honest rather than make an excuse - money is tight as you aren’t earning at the moment, but you’d like to see him to celebrate in the day (or whatever). Once tips, drinks etc are added on, you might even be expected to cover his share of the meal between you too which will really stress you out.

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/10/2025 01:53

So what did you say to in-laws @workingitout1234

CurlewKate · 08/10/2025 06:32

Whatareyoutalkingaboutnow · 07/10/2025 20:09

Well now, I didn't say that, did I? Ffs.

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You said “Just decline”

Original poster

workingitout1234 · 08/10/2025 09:26

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/10/2025 01:53

So what did you say to in-laws @workingitout1234

Husband still hasn’t spoken to them and we still haven’t decided what to do as a couple
ive told him how I feel about it and im leaving him to handle as things get messy with in laws easily from experience

OP posts:

Whatareyoutalkingaboutnow · 08/10/2025 10:21

CurlewKate · 08/10/2025 06:32

You said “Just decline”

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Oh, sorry. I didn't mean they should actually say "we decline" without anything else. That would be terrible. (and literally rude).
"We can't make it this time, have a lovely birthday" would cover it though.

PurpleThistle7 · 08/10/2025 10:24

I think that’s really cheap for a set meal dinner to be honest but that doesn’t mean it’s affordable for you. Just not sure how much cheaper a place would be possible, but maybe it’s just because of where I live.

nothing wrong with saying no thank you to an invitation but I’d likely have my husband go on his own as it’s his father. And then offer to have them round for cake or something

Oxforddictionary12 · 08/10/2025 10:26

I would make you excuses on this one- it is an expense too far when you are on maternity wages- less than minimum wage. If you went it would be stressful with the youngsters anyway and you'd probably resent it.

Don't give any time to those people saying it's irresponsible to have a second child. I'm very glad others have called them out as I'd find it hard to do so politely. You can still live life very happily and provide for your children even if you can't stretch to going out for meals at this phase in your life.

TheSwarm · 08/10/2025 10:28

Just be honest and say you can't afford it.

Fcs1985 · 08/10/2025 10:34

I don't think people understand smp these days, id prob let hubby go n stay home with kids. I did that with my in-laws grandparents before as we couldn't afford that massive chunk especially when it's not a big one. They were happy that he come all sent love. You can only live within your budget. There not in your boat so they may not understand it. But also ull have your own routine with kids and I'm sure a layer meal would disrupt it aswel. Xx

DaisyChain505 · 08/10/2025 10:42

workingitout1234 · 08/10/2025 09:26

Husband still hasn’t spoken to them and we still haven’t decided what to do as a couple
ive told him how I feel about it and im leaving him to handle as things get messy with in laws easily from experience

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It really doesn’t need to be this big of a deal.

Either ask one of your family members to babysit so just the two of you go and this would save paying the extra for kids or just be honest and get your husband to speak to his parents and explain that given your current situation money is really tight and would they be ok with just him going?

WhereAreWeNow · 08/10/2025 10:44

I'd just make excuses (or maybe be honest and say money's tight) and let DH go alone.