AIBU to want the nursery to offer him different food?

[LilacPomPom]

I have a 17mo old son who attends nursery twice a week for half days (Tuesday 8-1 & Thursday 8-1).
These are not funded hours at all and are entirely paid by myself & my partner for the small fortune of over £400+ a month.

When we looked around the nursery, I was in awe of the menu and how established it was with a variety of foods and I found it quite fancy. It has a “home cooked” kind of vibe to it but with extras so instead of a beef bolognaise, he’s offered lamb (which I think is slightly odd as it’s not what I would expect from a Spag Bol essentially).

Since September, my LO barely eats there. We’ve changed his diet at home to eating what me & my partner eat and he does really well. He’s a bit funny with textures but he has changed drastically and does brilliantly at home.

He rarely eats at nursery. Out of the whole of September, he’s eaten 2-3 portions of breakfast and maybe the mash from a lunch or the plain pasta from lunch. Today, I’ve looked on the nursery app to see if he’d eaten breakfast. Nope.

i’m a little irked that they don’t offer him anything else. He’s offered one option of “beans on toast” and if he doesn’t eat it, he’s not offered cereal (which I know he would eat at least some of) or anything else. The same applies for lunch too. I’m not allowed to bring food into the nursery for them to give like a box of cereal or the bread he has at home (just even silly things like that) due to allergies in the nursery.

i’m getting a bit annoyed that we’re paying all the money and he’s not even being offered an alternative and he’s just not eating and their happy with that. I’m unsure whether to make a comment to them about just offering him something else. Like, today he was given Beans on Toast. He ate none. However, I know that he eats toast with butter all the time and he has had beans before, just mashed into a potato.

AIBU to expect them to at least offer an alternative and be upset that they’re literally not phased if he doesn’t eat at nursery especially when I’m paying the full price for his hours? (we’re one of maybe 5 families who get no funded hours at all).

I know the money thing shouldn’t make a difference but there’s also a few little things that we can/can’t do as we’re not funded. All children, regardless of financial status, should be entitled to healthy and nutritious food - it just stings a little that we’re paying for the addition of food (compulsory) and he’s not eating anything.

That's just TWO children wanting different options, can you imagine 30? Oh my god It would be impossible

When he wakes up on the days for nursery, he’s always offered milk and a snack. If he wakes up closer to drop off (like 7:30ish) he’s offered milk only due to time constraints.

DS went to a small nursery where there were no more than 12 children per session. A childminder would have fewer still. I've always felt that very young children are better off in small settings and I think this is another reason why.

Well that's lovely but many nurseries have way more than that...so maybe a nanny/childminder might be better in this case

They do, but aren't there any small nurseries or childminders where you live? I looked around three settings and chose the smallest.

I'm sure there are but this isn't about my children, it's the OPs

Size of the setting makes little difference, actually. It just depends on their policies and approach.

And what suits a baby / toddler is very different to what suits a preschooler, especially those older in the academic year. By that point a lot actively enjoy the company of other children.

“if someone had posted this as a funded placement, would you be saying the same thing?”
You were the one who brought into it the fact that you were paying full whack and receiving no funded hours, as if that somehow entitles you to better service. All children should be entitled to the best possible level of care.

I don’t “want to get into finances”, I was simply responding to your statements about finances.

Also “do I mind paying for nursery when he’s not eating” - you don’t send him to nursery so he can eat - you send him there for childcare, and eating just happens to be a small part of the day. The majority of your fee goes on paying staff to look after your child, not the food he may or may not eat.

I paid £1k a week for one of my dc’s nursery fees and you only ever got one option for each meal with recipe cards to take home so you could make the food at home for them to get used to it. Intake was monitored and you were only contacted to take them home if they didn’t eat any breakfast or lunch in a day. Beef and Pork was never offered because the majority of kids were unfunded and from wealthy Hindu, Muslim and Jewish parents sending their kids there. So there was a lot of fish and lamb and poultry. So they probably made the bolognaise decision based on the needs of the parents who are paying most for their children’s place(s).

To answer your question- no, it’s not worth it unless you have no choice but to send him there due to work. So I would pull him out and set up a water activity at home, job done.

I honestly haven't seen any rude replies on this thread.

Honestly @LilacPomPom and I mean this gently I think all the issues you’re stating are just normal part of settling into nursery. He’s been there 6 weeks but is only going 2 mornings a week. It takes time. Ask all the mums with kids going to nursery for the first time and most of their kids have struggled with sleep/ food/ separation anxiety/ illnesses. The fact he’s only missed one session in 6 weeks is quite good🤣 There’s quite a few funny videos on Instagram about you paying through the nose to get viral bugs and then you can’t take them in because of the bugs that the nursery have given you.

It’s a challenging time and if you’re back to work at the same time, there’s a lot of change. I’m not trying to minimise it but just let you know it’s normal to feel overwhelmed and a bit upset - you just want the best for your child.

You’ve done the right thing by talking to the nursery and would urge you to keep communication lines open in future. You say you expected the nursery to “care” that he’s not eaten. I suspect they’re less worried than you are because they’ve seen this pattern a hundred times over and know that babies normally settle with time. He’s not losing weight and is otherwise happy - this to them is not a cause of concern. That doesn’t mean they don’t care about your son though.

I do agree that they should have spoken to you directly about him not eating anything but then again if he’s only there 8-1 they may assume you’re giving him breakfast before you go and obviously will give him dinner when he’s at home.

hopefully you all get used to the new routine soon

Thank you for this. I struggled with PPD/PPA so nursery was a big thing for both him (and me). I think it’s crazy because it’s taken a lot for me to put trust in someone else to care for my little one so it’s reassuring that a couple of people have expressed it may just be settling in. I also think it’s very different with my work, too. A full day of nursery for him is 07:30-18:00 which was too long for me to think about at 16/17 months old. Plus, I’m away for the whole day. I wake him up in the morning and then by the time I’m home, I have a quick cuddle and put him to bed. I think that’s why it stresses me out so much because I can’t be there all the time. I also, in no way, want to be overbearing or too much, or create a molly-coddled child.

I haven’t had this problem as my kids have always eaten well at nursery. But they specifically said that they would never let a child go without and if they wouldn’t eat what was given they would offer an alternative…something like potato waffles that would be easy and quick to cook. Fruit is also available freely in the toddler and preschool room and they can eat an apple or orange whenever they want.

I don’t think I’d make a fuss over two half days - if it was two full days I would be asking them to make sure he eats something. But presumably they also do a morning snack? So he won’t starve.

Then why did you say "I’m not giving him food before nursery purely so he’s hungry and wants to eat there"

As in, I won’t give him cereal or toast or porridge (typical breakfast things) but he has milk and a snack.

I think it’s a combination of settling in and not being used to the food offered. He’ll get there so try not to stress. Mine was similar and refused all food at nursery including the pack lunches I made for him. Eventually he ate half a crumpet with marmite every day and he survived on that for a full day for a good six months. It was very stressful but he started to get a bit better after turning two as he’d have a banana with his half crumpet and he then progressed to trying the nursery meals and it snowballed from there. I do remember the chat about nursery being concerned he might have sensory issues around food as he was so fussy but he’s just turned 4 now and eats everything in sight.

I really would make sure you give him breakfast at home though. No point sending him to nursery hungry and just accept that it won’t matter if he eats there or not for now.

As I said, insane. Withholding a meal so you can eke out every penny from the nursery and then starting a thread about how they let him go hungry.

Actually, they should be able to find something that the little boy likes.
Even if it is accommodating a piece of toast with butter instead of beans on toast.

Ask to see their policy

He wakes up at 7:30 and Nursery starts at 8. Sorry I do things differently. He’s otherwise well fed. I dread to think what else I do would be insane compared to some other parents 😂 But oh, well :)

Two half days and only started a month ago? He is still settling in. He is getting to know a new place, new adults and perhaps a new way of eating - some children find having a hot meal at lunch time odd if they’ve been having cold lunches and hot dinners (for example). If the foods are new he may just be getting used to the taste and texture of new foods and once they become familiar he will eat them happily. It is a fact that young children can be wary of new tastes around the time they start wandering from their parents side more.

I’d give it until after half term and you may find that he is eating much better by then. So long as the staff are making you aware of how he has eaten so you can offer something after he finishes at 1pm. Unfortunately you can’t force children to eat and it can be worrying if you have a full time baby doing ten hours if they haven’t eaten. We often will make some toast or similar in those circumstances but not for a baby going home straight after lunch as we know the parent can offer something if they need to. We do present foods differently if needed - some children don’t like gravy on their meal, for example, so we will add it on the side so they can taste it if they want to but they still eat the rest of the food.

No, they shouldn't. They cannot possibly do this for every child.

I think it depends on the nursery and the setting. My dc is in a relatively small nursery - 9 kids in her class and 3 adults. All the food is made on site by the chef. I haven’t needed to ask but I know for a fact they could absolutely offer toast and butter or beans on the side instead of on the toast if that was requested. I appreciate in bigger settings this may not be possible but I also dont think it’s a huge ask.

My god all the perfect mothers again,like you I'd be miffed by it especially at those prices,like you say why not just ask him does he want the toast without beans fgs..honestly I'd start looking for someone to look after him at home if you could,I would not pay that money for my child to go to nursery,good luck x

I did read your updates... I think you should feed him breakfast at home regardless and then you'd have one less nursery meal each day. It's all brand new and it's a very short day so I would try not to worry about it. He will be fine and will likely settle soon. Or he will just have an early breakfast and late lunch a couple times a week - also fine.

None of the nurseries I used had options for lunch - everything was prepared in the kitchens and then delivered on trays after they were out of the baby room (in the baby room it was more complicated with bottles and baby led weaning and spoon feeding options so each baby was different - probably why the ratios are really different for the under 1s).