AIBU to want the nursery to offer him different food?

[LilacPomPom]

I have a 17mo old son who attends nursery twice a week for half days (Tuesday 8-1 & Thursday 8-1).
These are not funded hours at all and are entirely paid by myself & my partner for the small fortune of over £400+ a month.

When we looked around the nursery, I was in awe of the menu and how established it was with a variety of foods and I found it quite fancy. It has a “home cooked” kind of vibe to it but with extras so instead of a beef bolognaise, he’s offered lamb (which I think is slightly odd as it’s not what I would expect from a Spag Bol essentially).

Since September, my LO barely eats there. We’ve changed his diet at home to eating what me & my partner eat and he does really well. He’s a bit funny with textures but he has changed drastically and does brilliantly at home.

He rarely eats at nursery. Out of the whole of September, he’s eaten 2-3 portions of breakfast and maybe the mash from a lunch or the plain pasta from lunch. Today, I’ve looked on the nursery app to see if he’d eaten breakfast. Nope.

i’m a little irked that they don’t offer him anything else. He’s offered one option of “beans on toast” and if he doesn’t eat it, he’s not offered cereal (which I know he would eat at least some of) or anything else. The same applies for lunch too. I’m not allowed to bring food into the nursery for them to give like a box of cereal or the bread he has at home (just even silly things like that) due to allergies in the nursery.

i’m getting a bit annoyed that we’re paying all the money and he’s not even being offered an alternative and he’s just not eating and their happy with that. I’m unsure whether to make a comment to them about just offering him something else. Like, today he was given Beans on Toast. He ate none. However, I know that he eats toast with butter all the time and he has had beans before, just mashed into a potato.

AIBU to expect them to at least offer an alternative and be upset that they’re literally not phased if he doesn’t eat at nursery especially when I’m paying the full price for his hours? (we’re one of maybe 5 families who get no funded hours at all).

I know the money thing shouldn’t make a difference but there’s also a few little things that we can/can’t do as we’re not funded. All children, regardless of financial status, should be entitled to healthy and nutritious food - it just stings a little that we’re paying for the addition of food (compulsory) and he’s not eating anything.

I think some of these responses are quite harsh. I wouldn't be happy if my DS regularly wasn't eating at nursery.

I think children experience some tastes more intensely than adults do - I know this was the case for me as a child. Yet, although people take it for granted that adults shouldn't all be expected to like the same food and need a choice, people don't seem to believe the same is true of children. But if a child repeatedly chooses to go hungry rather than eat a particular meal, then the chances are that they're not being fussy or difficult, they genuinely find it unpleasant.

Surely the nursery could at least offer something like bread and butter or a piece of fruit as an alternative?

By the way, I know a few adults with terrible aversions to certain foods - because when they were young, they were forced to eat them by school dinner ladies. It did more harm than good.

I think children experience some tastes more intensely than adults do - I know this was the case for me as a child.

It's to do with number of taste buds. Young children have many, many more taste buds that adults do. So it's not surprising that they prefer bland food whereas adults prefer food with more flavour. It basically tastes different for them.

Perhaps they do this to help prepare children for school lunches (since every child is offered these in England from Reception to Year 2). Although parents usually choose from a menu, you have to choose months ahead and it tends to be plain stuff, on rotation.

Unless you choose a very fancy nursery it's unlikely they have resources to offer all kids a choice at mealtimes.

Imagine if all children refused a meal and were rewarded with other options. It encourages fussy behaviour, and many parents can't afford to offer choices and alternatives at home.

Encouraging choice at home is great provided you can afford it and have time to prepare alternatives.

Nursery settings have to choose fairly plain foods as most children prefer familiar, non-spicy meals. There's the salt issue as well as herbs, spices, textures many will reject.

Remember lots of children are raised with one option at mealtimes, at that age. Maybe work on this at home, rather than getting child to expect another option. Beans on toast, mash, I would not object to simple, healthy meals like that.

They can’t give them all diff things it would be a logistical nightmare. Even the veggie children have a veggie version of the standard main - children like to be like their friends. Is he hungry when he gets there? Mine were 1st arrive and had nothing at home (on purpose) so they happily went straight in and sat down - they knew this meant breakfast!! Also as he settles he’ll see nursery meals as sociable. In my kids one they all sat together, with a teacher who chatted and encouraged and at 3 they served themselves with veg / seconds etc. It’s great practice for table eating. Finally, nursery is a huge expense, I had multiples and at the time no funded hours (it was a while back) and it was way over £1500 a month, so try not to equate it all to cost - it’ll stress you. If he’s happy and the care is good quality, food is a small element.

The cook's banging out 50 lunches and already having to take into account loads of allergies, they can't start accounting for preferences too.

I wouldn't expect them to offer different things because then other children will want different things

Could you send a lunchbox of things you know he will eat?

Thanks for some of the responses. I’ve just picked my son up from Nursery and had a chat with his key worker. Apparently they try to serve meals separately but certain things they don’t and that they don’t have more than one option unless for allergies, intolerances etc. Today, all children were offered a mince dish with potatoes and she said that not many of the children ate it at all. I asked about breakfast and she said that he did eat some of the fruit. We then spoke about how some days he seems more interested but today, not so much. We’ll keep working towards this.

I’m not overly worried, I think some of the comments have made me realise that it’s not the end of the world as he isn’t there for a period of time. It’s just hard when all you read is that he didn’t eat anything.

in response to the other MN users who just, as expected with MN, come across quite rude - thanks for sharing your opinion.

Right now, little one is sat eating his lunch (just in case anyone presumes I didn’t feed him if he doesn’t eat at nursery 🤦🏼‍♀️)

My daughter would refuse food at nursery she would be given extra fruit for pudding but that would be it. We would try to give her food she was most likely to eat at home. Although she would often refuse that too!

She doesn't eat at school now, she has a bespoke menu due to food allergies so the chef noted which meals she will eat so the chef rewrote her menu only with the meals she will eat and she's better now.

I'd look to see if there are any foods routinely not eaten and ask for simple substitutions such as toast in place of beans on toast.

I've realised that as adults we place much more importance on food than children, for whom it is just "fuel" a lot of the time.

It used to depress me when I took my child to parties and playdates and they wouldn't touch the food on offer and ran around the room instead of eating. Similarly, I'd feel bad if we had a child over and they didn't want to eat anything I offered. Now I just forget about the food and insist my DC sits nicely and chats to friends during party teas and give any playdate hosts a heads-up that DC probably won't eat anything and please don't go to any trouble for them. Kids just want to play a lot of the time but what you're paying for (and getting) is the exposure to different food from what you cook at home and the sitting nicely mealtime experience, which is still beneficial.

This is good advice about asking them to separate the foods.

Is it an issue with the food? It sounds like they have a fancy menu to impress parents but if it isn’t to toddler taste then it’s pointless.
Mince and potatoes doesn’t sound great tbh.

It’s very “grown up” food, without sounding silly?
lots of curry’s, lentil bakes, fish cake and herb potatoes. It sounds lovely from an adults perspective but I can see why children might be a little averse to those big flavours intially.

You might be better off with a childminder.

No, that makes sense @LilacPomPom Although I like putting herbs and spices in things I started off with plain stuff until DS got the hang of it (by spices I mean cinnamon/nutmeg/cloves etc. I'm not a fan of chilli.)

Don’t get me wrong, we use spices and have home cooked meals too. A typical meal is often pasta bolognaise which we all eat together. I think my wording initially has gained some negative follow as I was nowhere near expecting anything to be made in addition to the menu for my son. I just had expected it to all be separate. Maybe he’ll settle in properly soon.

I used to feed mine their breakfast before they went in, so anything extra was a bonus. I'd give her snacks when I collected her too. Eating different foods in a nursery can be over whelming for small children. The food looks and smells different even if it's called the same thing e.g. pasta. Could you speak with them about cereals for breakfast? Andboroviding toast without beans? They might be willing to adapt it slightly.

Apologies, I used the wrong terminology. However, regardless of income - I would expect the nursery to “care” about whether a child is eating there. Or, if I worked there, I’d bring it up with the parents (which they hadn’t done until I asked about it today).

If you pay for a service, you would expect the service to be of good quality and whilst he is loving nursery and he’s engaging in their activities (loves the water play) - it begs the question that, if it’s costing me X-Amount, and he’s repeatedly not eating and not sleeping and we got hit badly with the September illnesses and he had to miss a session in his third week, is it worth it?

I think that from a perspective of, if it wasn’t costing me as much as that (through partial or full funded - unsure how it all really works) I wouldn’t feel so strongly about it. It’s just a feeling I have. I don’t expect my son to be treated “better” or differently because of this and I feel that all kids should have access to the service and should get nice food.

if someone had posted this as a funded placement, would you be saying the same thing? Or would you be saying that “it’s what you get for funded placement”? Does that make sense? I choose to pay for nursery and I like the nursery. Just because I pay doesn’t mean I can’t mention that fact when I’m concerned about my LO not eating. Also, if you want to get into finances - we didn’t apply for child benefit either (purely because if you earn x-amount, you actually pay it back). Do I mind? Nope. Do I mind paying for nursery when he’s only there twice a week and not eating - yeah, a little.

Refusing a toddler breakfast to make sure you get your money's worth at lunch time is insane behaviour. If you have such a chip on your shoulder about paying £10 an hour for childcare, pull him out and do it yourself.

I get why they don’t do it, but they cld maybe offer something else quite basic. The nursery my kids went to would offer sandwiches if the kids had barely ate anything. They always said they would make sure the kids weren’t hungry. Sometimes kids were hungry just before pick up and they would offer them fruit or crackers/biscuit, just something small to keep them going.

Well of course they can offer an alternative. It won't cost the Earth to have a packet of butter or box of cereal available. Why do you expect so little?

I think you are perfectly reasonable OP. My little one's nursery always had a tin of spaghetti hoops or cereal available. Sometimes little ones can be starting to be unwell and be off strong foods but still hungry etc
And, as usual the mumsnet brigade is out in force to tell the OP they are being silly. I would just ignore as I expect a lot of comments on mumsnet are trolls

My nursery offers alternatives. For example, he doesn’t like pin wheels, so they offered him butternut squash soup which he loved. He always eats there and is happy. They put the children first and children need to be fed.

It’s two mornings a week. He’s hardly “regularly” going without food.

What’s a “pin wheel”?

genuinely never heard of it.

It's generally a good idea to put in the claim for Child Benefit, simply for the available NI credits should your circumstances change or you have any periods out of work. You can opt out of receiving the payments, so there is nothing to pay back.

I believe it also means the child automatically gets their NI number, when the time comes.